Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: kutuup on April 02, 2013, 03:27:01 AM
-
Hi all,
I'm new here so I'll introduce myself, I'm James, I'm 24 and live in Buckinghamshire.
So I've been having serious issues with depression and anxiety lately, the anxiety is getting better thanks to medication but the depression has stayed about the same, it's almost constant.
I think a lot of the problem is the age I'm at. At 24 I feel like I should be in a proper job and dating at stuff, but I've been unemployed for 6 months and single for a little over 6 years.
I feel like a complete loser.
It seems like every day I look what people I know are up to on Facebook or whatever and nearly every week someone I went to school with announces they're engaged or got married or got an awesome job and I'm still sat here single and jobless. It's like I failed in life. I have a degree in computer science, but I can't find a job that uses it so the best I can get at the moment is retail work, which I don't mind doing since I need the money and some can be fun, but they're not exactly stimulating.
As for relationships, I'm not a terrible looking guy (I think), and I make every effort to be caring and nice, which people comment on all the time, but it never seems to get me anywhere as I've been single since I was 18. It makes me start thinking there's something wrong with me that I don't see. I ask girls out sometimes but I kinda feel a sense of futility in it since I get turned down every time, not rudely turned down, just them saying they're not interested politely. I've never been asked out by a girl either.
In terms of friends, I always seem to attract insecure types, which really doesn't help me as I'm very insecure myself. Most of the people I see on a regular basis start to grate on me often since they're usually (and I know it's not a nice thing to say, but it's how I feel) kinda, I dunno, dim? Eccentric too. And kinda awkward. It's hard to explain what I mean. What it comes down to is I struggle to find stimulating company.
I just feel like my life is going nowhere and I'm a failure. It got worse after a really good friend I made at uni committed suicide out of the blue. He must have been going through some REALLY horrible stuff since I've never considered that extreme a thing, but losing him as a friend really hit me hard.
I guess my problem is I'm unstimulated, painfully lonely and have no self confidence. I've been going to CBT, but it isn't really helping, maybe I should try seeing a different person?
I hope someone can offer some advice.
Many thanks,
James
-
Hello James and welcome to the forum, depression is awful, it knocks our self esteem. If CBT is not helping have you considered counselling? Also contact your local MIND center they offer many services like counselling and courses etc.
S x x x x
-
Hi and welcome James
-
Hi James... Welcome to the Forum
Unfortunately, when we're depressed our self-esteem is at an all time low. We seem to beat ourselves up for the things we see as failures and forget our achievements.
Hopefully, in the future, you will be able to put your degree to good use. I'm also sure you will eventually meet someone special.
CBT is not for everyone, maybe another form of therapy would suit your needs. As Shaz suggested, your local MIND organisation might be able to help. It's good to share our thoughts on the Forum. I hope you find it helpful.
-
Thanks everyone.
I have been feeling like CBT isn't doing it for me, it's just like they ask me what I'm depressed about, I tell them, and they say we'll look at some thing to help which seem to boil down to "if you feel down think about something good." Which doesn't really help. I think what gets me down most is that people can be perfectly well intentioned and say "You'll get a good job someday and meet a girl." But really, honestly, I know deep down that there's every chance I won't get a good job or meet a girl. If it were true that it was a certainty, nobody would die alone, but they do every day.
It almost feels like I'm cursed, I know I've had a lot of luck in life, but that luck just seems to have run out. I think about leaving the country a lot, but where would I go? With the mess the UK is in at the moment I'm constantly hearing people young and old talking about how young people have no future here and I tend to agree. I could go to Ireland as I'm a citizen there, but I hear they're in even more of a mess. My ultimate dream would be to go to Canada where my brother and his wife live and start over there, but it's very hard to be allowed to stay there and ultimately I'd just be running away from my past which wouldn't solve anything. I know this sort of thing is corny, but I the last line of Hurt by Nine Inch Nails comes to mind a lot "If I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself, I would find a way."
In fact that song speaks to me a lot, especially this part: "What have I become my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end, and you could have it all, my empire of dirt, I will let you down, I will make you hurt."
I wouldn't recommend anyone feeling down listen to that song as it's very sad and about a time in the writer's life when he was at his lowest. I do find it helps to know that Trent Reznor (who I'm a massive fan of) went through something similar and went on to do well.
As for why that speaks to me, it just sums up how I feel about my relationships with various other people. "What have I become my sweetest friend?" reminds me of a girl I had a long relationship with years ago and was inseparable with, she's married now and I'm jobless and in a rut, very different from what I thought I would be. "Everyone I know goes away in the end" reminds me of how I always seem to make new friends for a short period before they drift away and move on to bigger and better things, including my old school friends, and I'm left behind. "and you could have it all, my empire of dirt" is very apt for me, I feel like my achievements are worth nothing and have never gotten me anywhere and may as well be "dirt". "I will let you down, I will make you hurt" reminds me of my parents, I always feel like I've let them down by not being a success like my brother and sister, still living at home, jobless and single.
I'm a musician so I find music very helpful to listen to and compose as it helps me vocalise my feelings and find ways to word things I can't think how to say.
-
Hi James, and welcome to the forums.
dont let the fact of your relativly young age weigh you down so much, unfortunatly age is no barrier to depression, it can strike at any time young or old.
music can often be an outlet for people, like a way to focus ones thoughts.
-
Writing or composing are wonderful ways to express and even understand ourselves.
Perhaps you need some talking 1-2-01 therapy to explore where these feelings originate and how you can resolve them
-
Thanks for the replies everyone. I started CBT a few months ago and my doctor put me on Venlafaxine a few weeks ago and the past week or so I've responded really well to it. I still have bad days, but overall the depression and anxiety have been greatly improved. There are days when I can feel like the depression is creeping in but crucially I feel like I have a choice in the matter now. If I fight back and think "No, I'm not doing this now." I can fight it off. The anxiety has been more stubborn and there are days where I struggle with it, but I feel like I have more of a reign on it than before. I still carry Diazepam on me as a crutch but I haven't had to use it in at leas 2 weeks. I think something pivotal I've gotten out of the CBT is to talk openly about the things that interest me, I'm into some kinda obscure stuff, things like technology, science, metaphysics and philosophy. I was surprised to find that a lot of people I never expected would care about that stuff will actually take an interest in things like that when you talk to them about it. In fact, my friend's girlfriend had an hour long conversation with me about time travel that I found amazingly stimulating. (I never even knew she thought about that kind of thing), I should add, me, him and her are good friends and they are a superb couple, it wasn't about me worming my way in with her or anything lol
I think the way I need to start thinking (and the way my CBT therapist is teaching me to think) is that my interests and the way I think can be a gift or a curse. It's just a matter of learning to see them as a gift as opposed to a curse, I need to start seeing my quizzical nature and existentialism as a positive trait rather than a waste of time. I'm hopeful that over time I can make some big leaps and learn that the fact that I'm different and ask questions other people don't is an asset rather than a hinderance.
Thanks again to everyone for your kind words, I'll be sure to keep you updated.
-
I should clarify that I've been seeing a different CBT therapist lately that seems to be a lot better at pinning down on things I say and making me think a lot more while giving helpful advice. Seems that not all CBT therapists are as good as each other, the guy I've been seeing lately seems to really have a talent for it.
-
Hi Kutuup,
Sounds like the treatment is beginning to have an impact; I'm on Vodafone too, and I reckon it took 6-8 weeks before it really helped and I was beginning to despair!
Sometimes you don't get on so well with one counsellor, npt for any reason, it just doesn't gel, glad its going better with the new one though so that's good!
Anyway, you hang on in there, the best people do have to kiss a lot of toads before finding their prince(ss), the right person will be out there as will the job, but you need to learn to love yourself first! Whilst.you probably won't be thinking it now, you are still very young, you have loads of time, and when all those mates of yours are divorcing, you will be finding your forever love!
Big hugs xxx
-
Hi Grandma,
Thanks for the message, I had a pretty rough day today with the anxiety but I find that now I know that a lot of the time I'm anxiety free I can just shrug it off and know that tomorrow will be better. I think what was crucial for me (in the hopes that this will help others) was learning not to surround myself with negative people. I spent years upon years surrounded with people who had a negative outlook and who, frankly, drained me of everything I had in trying to make them feel better. I'm a very caring person but there comes a point where you have to think of yourself and take a real look at yourself. There's caring and wanting to help, and there's giving yourself entirely to people and letting them take everything from you at the expense of your own happiness. You can't spend your entire life trying to help people who help themselves by waiting for you to validate them at your own expense. You absolutely should care about people and listen to them, but when they're taking everything from you and giving nothing back, you have to walk away for your own good. People are there to support you and for you to support them, but some people forget the second step. You're only human, you can't carry the weight of everyone's problems on your back. You have to help the people who listen to your advice and forget the ones who ignore it but still come back for more. When a person needs help, they'll take any advice that will help them and really think about it, when they come back for the 100th time and ask for more advice, they aren't looking for help any more, they're looking for you to fix their problems for them.
People will eat you alive if you let them. The trick is learning to care when people need it, not when they've asked it despite your best efforts and repeated attempts to help them. There's a point when you have to take something back. If they aren't willing to give anything back then it's time to walk away. The people who won't give anything back aren't worth your time. Your help isn't free, you count for something, you can't let people take what they want and offer nothing in return. It will only leave you empty. Offer your help wherever you can, but make sure people are really listening. Be accepting when a person makes mistakes and winds up in a bad place, but recognise when they expect you to fix things that are in nobody's control but their own.
You can only give so much, be sparing with what you give and make sure you give it to the right people when they really need it. The most important part is to give, not be taken from.
-
Jamie... I hope you've had a better day today
-
Wow, never been called Jamie before lol
I did have a better day today, thanks Cat :) I've found it helps a lot to have a positive outlook and listen to positive music. I think I needed to learn that even though every day isn't perfect, the good days do exist and those are the ones you should focus on. As for the anxiety, I read a very good article about how to change your thinking and I've been using one of the quotes they presented as a kind of mantra, it's from one of my favourite movies too, The Shawshank Redemption. It's: "Fear can hold you prisoner, hope can set you free." I've let my fear and depression hold me prisoner for so long, it's time I fought back. Fear and depression are brutal and cruel and can make you feel helpless, but you can fight back in time. I found this song/speech very helpful too, I hope it helps others.
Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI#)
I found that it put a lot of things in perspective.
Much love everyone.
-
Sorry, JAMES, I misread the name on your first post
I've just listened to the above clip and thought it was excellent. Being more than double your age, I can say, hand on heart, it is all so very true. I think it's good to try staying positive. Remembering mantras also help me. Pleased you had a better day yesterday. Hope today's going okay
-
Sorry, JAMES, I misread the name on your first post
I've just listened to the above clip and thought it was excellent. Being more than double your age, I can say, hand on heart, it is all so very true. I think it's good to try staying positive. Remembering mantras also help me. Pleased you had a better day yesterday. Hope today's going okay
Haha it's OK, I get people's names wrong all the time, and Jamie is a contraction of James (even though they have the same number of letter oddly lol)
I did have a good few days, the anxiety has been back the last couple of days but I do find I'm much more able to fight back which is a big plus :) I just try to picture anxiety and depression as bullies who come and go and pick on you if you let them, sometimes the fight is hard and you wind up with a black eye, but over time you learn that you CAN fight back and when you do it's a surprising feeling when you realise that you are stronger than you think.
Like another quote I repeat to myself says "What do you do when your enemy is one inch away from you? Do you curl up and cower? Or do you put your fist through them?" That's from Kill Bill of all places lol I'm a Tarantino junkie I guess :P
I think a lot of my problem is spending a large part of my childhood around people who treated me as some kind of sidekick or punching bag to make themselves feel better when I should have been around people who treated me as an equal, I've found as I've grown up that those people do exist, but at times I'm too kind to be selective and only give my care and attention to the people who treat me as an equal instead of a means to an end.
I have a lot of memories that when I look back on them as an adult I realise I was being made fun of and treated like a joke, and it's only now that I realise that fact, and frankly, I'm angry that those people did that to me and treated me that way. There are some that I have met in later life who have been thoroughly ashamed of what they did to me, and I'm happy to forgive them and give them another chance, who didn't make mistakes as a child after all? The problem is that I give too much time to the ones who have never apologised or realised what they did to me, like I should forgive them without them acknowledging that they treated me like crap. I'm more than happy to forgive people who regret how they treated me if they ask for it, but nowadays I'm just realising that, when it comes to the ones who never apologised, THEY should feel bad, not me, and when they claim to be friends, they are lying. They aren't a real friend, they're people who EXPECT forgiveness, not ASK for it, and they are people I don't need.
I guess I'm lucky that I have two great parents who always look out for me, and even though sometimes they can be a little over protective which can cause some friction, I know that as long as they can (thankfully they're still relatively young, in their early 50s), they'll keep looking out for me. I also have a sister who I fight with all the time but I know she just gets frustrated sometimes because she wants me to be happy and sometimes I don't always make it easy for her to help. I have a brother too who is off being Canadian with his lovely wife who I don't get to see too often, but whenever I do, he and his wife (my sister in law) always have my back and help in any way they can.
-
Jamie is a contraction of James, that is very true, but jamie or jimmy Bond just dont quite sound the same :)
-
Jamie is a contraction of James, that is very true, but jamie or jimmy Bond just dont quite sound the same :)
Haha can you imagine?
"The name's Bond... Jimbo Bond."
XD
-
Sorry, I just noticed your post just as I'm about to go to bed, I'm knackered! I will reply tomorrow. Hope you're doing okay
-
Hey guys, sorry to report I had a pretty bad day today :(
So I have this "friend", we hang out sometimes and chat and stuff, but today he's REALLY made me angry.
Me and him know one of our friend's housemates, who happens to be a girl a couple of years younger than us (she's 22) who I quite like and have been chatting with a fair bit.
So today the three of us were chatting on facebook (facebook drama eh? happens all the time :P) and out of the blue he says (WARNING: this is pretty graphic) "So James, creampie or bukakke?", literally out of NOWHERE! He does this all the time, too! His idea of humour is just coming out with really overtly sexual and graphic stuff, I swear he's some kind of pervert! So he comes out with that in the middle of a conversation with this girl, who goes silent immediately, and I am just beyond humiliated and immediately tell him to back off since we hardly know this girl and I don't even find that question funny! Don't get me wrong, I love a dirty joke, but that's not even a joke! And we're in a conversation with a girl we barely know! He responds by saying he could describe much worse and then goes on a tirade about how I'm uptight and that what he said isn't rude constantly asking this poor girl if she's offended then laying into me for "being offended for her". So I tell him he's being an embarrassment and he just gets more and more defensive and saying really graphic and sexual stuff like we're supposed to find it funny! I had to start another chat window with this girl to apologise and tell her how embarrassed I was, and she just kinda laughed it off and said don't worry, then went silent.
So I'm left talking to this guy who sees nothing wrong with what he said and acts like I've done something wrong to HIM!
I'm fairly sure he's put this girl off the both of us and made us both look like idiots because he has no idea about what's appropriate to say in a conversation!
Like I said, he does this ALL THE TIME too! Every single thing he says is a sex reference, which is even worse because (and I don't normally make comments on people's appearance) he's HUGE AND GROSS! He never washes, he's grossly overweight and smells terrible! I don't mind if someone's overweight, or even obese, as long as they make an effort to present themselves well and keep clean etc. but this guy doesn't even TRY! He's like some lecherous slob who has an obsession with sex and a temper shorter than a fricking matchstick. I swear I wouldn't be surprised if he turned up on a sex offender's register! I'm not even joking, or saying that to be spiteful, he SERIOUSLY worries me.
I want to apologise for making comments about his appearance, that's never fair, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to get across.
Despite all this, for some reason, he has a fairly big circle of friends! Bigger than the circle I have. However, they're mostly girls, and they nearly all have terribly low self esteem, including his girlfriend, who's a freaking VET, yet thinks he's the best she can do!
I just can't take this guy any more! He's vile! He's rude and obscene and lecherous and yet always makes me feel bad if I call him out on it, like I should feel sorry for him for some reason!
I want to get him out of my life, but I don't know how to get rid of him! So many of my friends are friends with him too, so it's not like I can avoid him! I feel embarrassed being around him, not for the way he looks (even though he doesn't make any effort, constantly has food stains down his front, but I can forgive someone for that), but for how truly gross his personality is!
To top it off, he's INCREDIBLY dense to the point where it's amazing. I'm not going to give examples as that isn't fair and I don't want to give examples that other people might read and feel bad themselves if they don't know something. But trust me, he's supremely stupid.
What can I do? I can't take this guy, I need better friends who are just normal and talk about normal stuff and do normal things and are positive and help me feel positive while I help them feel positive, isn't that what friends do? A lot of my friends can't stand him either, but I feel like I'm stuck with him because I don't have the guts to just tell him he's embarrassed me for the last time and I frankly don't like him.
I just think I was brought up to be a nice guy, and to have good manners, especially when it comes to girls, and being around someone like him who is that rude and ignorant and frankly disgusting just makes me feel bad about myself.
What can I do?
-
Dont bother talking to him, he's a child. His social skills are limited. Thats the only sensible thing that I can think of really.
-
It's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks his behaviour is inappropriate :) thanks
-
I was actually listening to In My Place by Coldplay earlier and I had an interesting thought. One line goes "how long must you pay for it?". I immediately thought that related to how I always try to be a good person and treat people well, and yet I always seem to "pay" for doing it, it never gets me anywhere. But then I remembered it does with some people, and I don't have to "pay" for being a good person. The people who make you pay for it aren't worth it, I shouldn't be paying for being a good person as if it's a bad thing, I just give my time to the wrong people.
What I'm really paying for is not standing up for myself and saving my good heart (I like to think anyway :P) for people who deserve it and appreciate it.
-
Nice guys come first.....its true, and even backed up by loads of genuine evidence.
-
Nice guys come first.....its true, and even backed up by loads of genuine evidence.
I think you're right, for example, one of my exes who wasn't exactly pleasant to me to say the least got in touch with me recently after we broke up a long time ago because at the time she said I was too nice and she wanted to just sleep around. Lo and behold she comes back after years of being with some guy who treated her like a sex toy and tried to get back in with me. I took her back as a friend, after all she made a mistake like we all do. But it was a very liberating thing when she told me she wanted me back and I found the self respect to tell her that even though she'll always be my friend, I shouldn't have to pay for her mistake, and I gave her every chance to not make that mistake at the time. She had her chance, and I worked myself sick at the time to help her, but she made her choice. I have to live with the mistakes I've made in life, why shouldn't she? I made it clear that I care about her and will be there for her, but as far as any romantic involvement goes, there was a time when I offered her the chance to be happy and she turned it down. She's my friend and I'll always look out for her, as I told her. But our relationship can't ever be more than that. There was a time and place, but I can't put myself out again to have a relationship with her after she treated me that way.
In the words of Austin Powers:
"That train has sailed"
:P
James
-
It sounds wise not to get involved with someone like that anyway. Her middle name is 'trouble'
-
Catching up, sorry, friends like you have described are very annoying. I've been fortunate that people I have known like that haven't embarrassed me but have cringed when they have done that to other friends. I know this is easier said than done but try and distance yourself from him.
Good for you for being firm with the ex 0158
-
Hi James I've read your posts and your still young and I'm sure you will find the right person for you. I lost my job 2 months ago and I'm still unemployed my depression cost me my job. Anyway where do you go to try and meet people I often find when I feel well if I go to the library or the gym or take the dog for a walk that plenty of girls speak to me about stuff yet if I go for a drink up town with friend's nobody talks to me. I hope what I have said has helped and if you ever need somebody to talk to we're all here to help.
-
Hi Petop,
Thanks for the response :)
One of my main weaknesses is meeting new people. I'm a bit of a recluse, I generally don't seek out new people because I have this feeling like they're not going to like me or will reject me, even when they are nice to me I always think they must be doing it out of pity or because they think they should be. That's a hard thing to shake off. In my childhood I was surrounded by people who kept me around to feel better about themselves, I was the "funny looking friend" to a lot of people. The problem is, you only realise it when you're in your 20's and think back on how they never treated you as a friend, rather a means to an end. I personally came to realise that to the person I considered my best friend for much of my childhood I was someone he kept around as someone to compare himself positively to. There was no equality, and even today there isn't. So I removed him from my life and went my own way. Sadly removing a lot of the toxic friends from your life can leave you feeling pretty lonely at first, that's the stage I'm at. I'm still looking for people to replace them with, and I've met a lot of people along the way who it hasn't worked out with, but if you look long enough, they're there, at least I hope so.
-
Just found this on Facebook, apologies in advance for it being pink, it just made me think of your post x
-
Thanks Maddy :) I actually really like that shade of pink :D I think a lot of my problem is not having the courage to cut loose the parts of my life that don't make me happy, I'm sure when I learn to do it ill be a much happier person. I think my parents hold far too much sway in my life, as much as I love them. Even little things like insisting I spend time with old friends whom I have little in common with or disapproving of jobs I apply for because they think I can do better. I probably can do better but they don't seem to understand that with the job market how it is right now I have to take anything I can get really. I think their constant mollycoddling affects my confidence about making my own decisions.
-
I can see how it would yeah, it sounds like they undermine your confidence a fair bit. It's difficult, but once you break free it will be so liberating x
-
I think a lot of the problem is they seem to think I'm still a kid lol I'm bloody 24! Like when they go away for the weekend and leave me home alone my mum always says she's worried about me and feels bad. It makes me think they think I'm incapable of looking after myself :( I think a lot of it is that I don't socialise a whole lot, and my brother and sister do. They don't seem to accept that I'm happy that way as I just haven't met many people who I get on with that well. I'm mostly just happy by myself and doing my own thing for now. When I meet some people I like I'll hang out with them. I think they worry about me because I'm not like my siblings, but that shouldn't be a reason for them to worry and try to encourage me to be someone I'm not. They even talk to me like I'm a kid sometimes, like they'll ask what I'm doing on a Friday night and I'll say "Not much, just relaxing and watching a movie or something." and they'll come back with something like "Why don't you go and see (someone), you like (someone), don't you?". Yes, I probably do like them, but I don't need to be reminded to go see them, if I want to go see them or they want to come see me, we'll arrange something.
I understand why they worry, but I've explained over and over why they don't need to and they never seem to respond to it in any real way, which causes friction.
I dread to think what it'll be like when I move out eventually. I can just picture them calling me all the time to check up on me :S
-
Are you the youngest?
-
Sibling I mean x
-
Nah I'm the middle child, my sister is younger and my brother is older.
-
There goes my theory that they are keeping you the baby of the family!
-
I think it's that I'm the only one still living at home. That and I'm the only one who takes after my mother and inherited her line's tendency towards depression and anxiety. It's worse with my mother, I wonder if she feels bad that I inherited it from her, but I think she doesn't realise that I'm not ALWAYS depressed or anxious, I go through horrible spells of depression, and anxiety is something I struggle with, but both come and go and I've gotten a lot better at dealing with them after treatment and settling on a medication that works for me. That and my confidence has grown a lot since I got really bad last year. I still have tough days, but I'm a lot better overall. I appreciate the fact that I'm lucky to have parents who care so much, but I just wish they'd have a bit more faith in my ability to cope. I'll always have a tendency to get depressed or anxious, but there's so much I want to do and I feel like they don't think I can handle it, which knocks my confidence.
-
Hi There, i think it could be that your parents are so concerned for you they are the way they are, they may well have plenty of faith in your ability to cope, they are just concerned for you.
-
This is the problem with parents at times. They think they are protecting you but you still need your independence.
-
Hi all, thanks for the responses, I think I really need to have a talk with my parents about this stuff. Sadly today I had a rough day, I felt depressed as soon as I woke up, it took me a while to get out of bed, but I got there. Luckily I didn't have any commitments today until the evening when I had to go record my weekly podcast I do with a friend. So I went to his house and while we were setting up we were chatting with his housemate who is a pretty, attractive girl who I guess I like a bit. I started listening to myself and thinking about what I was saying. I like to think of myself as a pretty intellectual guy, and I have a tendency to talk about intellectual stuff and I'm also a mine of useless knowledge. So I started listening to myself, and I just felt like actually I was boring them and coming across as pretentious. Then my insecurity got to me and I started feeling really self conscious. So my friend's housemate's male friend came to pick her up so they could go hang out for a while. That kinda reminded me that I have NO female friends, only male friends, I can barely even hold a conversation with a girl, so what chance do I have of ever making female friends or having a relationship? I've been single for over 5 years now after all.
I just sat there thinking what an unbelievable c**t I am, being all pretentious and boring. I felt horrible. I know it's illogical since I'm a very caring person, especially when it comes to girls, but in those kinds of situations, I just start thinking that I'm a bad, patronising person for being that caring and that I shouldn't be that way because being nice isn't what people want, but I can't bring myself to not be. When I get like that, I always feel like everyone's laughing at me and I'm embarrassing myself. It's like my default is to think everyone is mocking me. It's horrible. When I get like that I just retreat to hiding in my room alone and avoiding everyone.
I hope tomorrow is better :(
-
:hug: If it's any consolation I store useless bits of information and had to curb how much I came out with :bgrin: . I think we tend to think worse of ourselves than we are because we are depressed. Anyway I need to dash out as the weather is lovely and I've got to do shopping.
-
Urgh, another bad day :( So it wasn't as bad as some days can get, I was mostly anxiety and depression free, I'm just getting more frustrated. This guy I was friends with as a kid turned up at my house while I was out and talked to my sister saying how he misses hanging out with me and stuff, which is fair enough, but he also says to her (asking her not to say anything to me) that in other news his band needs a lift to the airport but he doesn't want to ask me as we haven't hung out in a long time. Surprise surprise, he wants something from me, I swear this guy only ever pops up when he wants something. Me and him have a complicated past. We were pretty solid friends for years as kids, but I was always made to feel like I was kinda his "sidekick".
Before we ever became friends he actually bullied me along with another kid for quite a while. So while we were friends, he used to behave really NOT like a friend thinking back. He would get all arsey if our group of friends were going somewhere and he didn't want to go but I did, so he would talk me into staying with him and not going out. Then when we were like 15 I started smoking and he would keep insisting on sniffing my hands to see if I'd been smoking and get all angry if I had. I get that he didn't want me to smoke but he was treating me like he was my mum or something. It got to the point where I had to ASK him permission to smoke! A few years went by and our friendship deteriorated and we grew apart. A while after that his dad committed suicide, which must have been awful for him, but it seemed to tip him over the edge into just being plain odd. He became a vegan and got health obsessed. I tried to support him but he just kept inviting me round and having me take his dogs for walks at like 2am and asking me really weird questions while were out about how my life was going. I get that he was pretty damned depressed, but it was like he was FEEDING off me. Eventually he got a girlfriend and changed completely, sadly for the worse. He kept treating this girl like a pet and setting out "rules" for what she could and couldn't do and would tell her off like a child if she broke the rules. He would invite me over to see them and just make me and his girlfriend feel really awkward by offering to "share" her and pantsing her in front of me and stuff. He kept trying to get me and her to share a bed with him and stuff, it was creepy.
Eventually she dumped him and moved away, me and her are on good terms and she's told me a lot about the stuff he did and said about me while they were together which really makes me question what he thought of me. A while back, before he dated this girl, I actually brought a girlfriend I had at the time to his house and he spent the whole time trying to make me look stupid, he still does this now on the rare occasions I see him, even though I'm single, he still tries to make people think he's smarter than me all the time. Not to belittle uneducated people, but I finished uni with a degree 2 years ago, he flunked out before he even got any GCSEs. I know not all people are academics, and that's fine, but what makes me angry is he lies to people and tells them he has a masters degree. He doesn't even have a single GCSE.
The last time I saw him before he showed up today was before his girlfriend left him when he invited me to see his band play. He spent the whole night telling me and his girlfriend off for drinking and taking me with "keeping an eye" on his girlfriend to make sure she doesn't smoke or drink. Well he picked the wrong person to task with that I guess lol, me and her hung out, had some drinks and had a good time. She dumped him shortly after. She actually asked me that evening whether she should break up with him, and I actually had to say yes because I was so shocked at how he treated her. Maybe she was taking my advice when she dumped him, maybe she wasn't, she wouldn't tell me either way.
There was a time before that where me, him, his girlfriend, a guy he's friends with, and some other girls, all went out on a Saturday night. At like 10pm, the girls all wanted to go to a bar, but he and this other guy wanted to go get dinner. I'd already eaten so I went with the girls to the bar and said they could meet us after they were done eating. So it all seemed fine, but they never showed up to the bar, him and this guy had wandered around town talking all night, then when it came time for us all to go home, he had a go at me for "abandoning" him and the other guy. Like I had some obligation to do EXACTLY what they did.
So that's pretty much a complete history of me and this guy. Sorry for the essay.
So what frustrated me today? After he showed up, my parents suggested I make plans with him, because he must be lonely and maybe he's changed. The thing they don't seem to appreciate is that I stopped seeing him for a reason, and once again they're encouraging me to spend time with someone I have little desire to see. Me and his brother are pretty tight friends, but since they don't live together I never see this guy pretty much.
It's like my parents want me to hold on to a past I very much want to get away from. Then tonight my dad, as well intentioned as he was, said I should get up earlier because they don't see me before work. I understand they want to see me, that's fine, but they don't seem to want to accept that I'm nearly 25 and I need to have my own life and make my own decisions and be my own person. Like a few days ago I said I want to take a road trip across America with some savings and they started saying "I don't know, I wouldn't be happy with you doing that alone." and making me doubt myself. I understand they're concerned, but I'm a fully grown adult, shouldn't they support me doing what I want to do?
I think I really need to move out and be independent, but sadly I can't find a job that pays enough for me to do that right now, and I've been single for over 5 years so I can't really find a girl to partner up with and move out.
I think a lot of my problem is that I'm still living with my parents and they, despite being well intentioned, are treating me like a child. I appreciate that I can come to them for advice any time, but it needs to be when I ask for it, not me being stuck living with them and planning my life to please them.
I want to move on and start a new life for myself, not be stuck living in my parent's attic and have them checking up on me all the time, like coming in my room when I'm out and snooping around.
I need to start over and make a new circle of friends, but I'm stuck.
It's getting really frustrating.
-
Hi Kutuup.
Im sorry to hear about the situation with your friend :( It does sound really difficult. I am In a slightly similar situation with a friend of mine, It just seems like she wants me there when she feels like it, but then because I'm quite shy and reserved and she is outgoing she will just leave me on my own and go off with other people. It makes me feel like she just wants me there just in case there is no one else to talk to. As you say it Is very frustrating. And I don't think it is friendship at all, just one person using another.
I know what you mean about feeling stuck, I also feel like I need a new circle of friends. After I came back from uni most of my friends had moved away and now Im stuck with this girl who uses me and people I have nothing in common with. It really gets me down :(
Sometimes I feel like just packing up and moving away.
I hope you are OK and feel a bit better soon. My advice would be to distance yourself from this person. Although I know from experience that this is easier said than done.
Catharine xxxx
-
Hi Catharine,
My name is James, I just always use the same username so I can remember it lol it was some band back in the 90s that no-one seems to have heard of lol the band was called Kut U Up, but when people see my username they always read it as "ketchup" haha Now I've typed that I'm suddenly thinking what a weird word ketchup is :P
Anyway, I did have a better day thanks, I got a message from my sister who lives in Brighton about how much the printer I gave her for her birthday is helping her at uni, it's not a massive thing, but it's something and it made me smile :D I also got a call from my job agency and apparently a local company is interested in hiring me so I can hopefully get off JSA soon and have some money to play with :) I also watched Life of Pi today and absolutely loved the message that is revealed at the end, I wont spoil it for anyone though, let's just say it really spoke to me, it may well become one of my favourite movies. The guy who plays Pi is superb, he's a newcomer but he's going to go a long way, I guarantee it. I think I liked it for the same reason I absolutely LOVED Big Fish, anyone whose seen both will get why, I'm sure. I still can't watch the ending to Big Fish without sobbing happy tears :P the line "And as we get close to the river, we see that everyone is already there, and I mean EVERYONE." and all the people he loved are all there waiting to see him off and are so happy to see him. Gets me every time :P That and the "you become what you always were, a very big fish, and that's how it happens." part XD
Anyway, enough about movies lol
So I've had a chat with my parents about why I don't spend time with this guy. As far as I'm concerned, he's a damaging person. I even messaged his ex and she agreed that I'm better off without him and she started talking about how I'm a lovely guy and how I deserve better. I guess it made be feel better to hear that from someone. I feel like I seem to attract toxic friends who are a drain on me. The problem is I don't get away fast enough because I feel bad for them initially, and by the time they start treating me badly I'm too involved to just walk away. I think I spend too much time trying to be what I think everyone else expects me to be and not enough time being what I really am. I'm a shy guy who gets nervous easily, but I'm also a kind, loving person who always wants to make other people happy. It's just a matter of training myself to only be concerned with making the people who deserve it happy, and to not make other people happy at the expense of my own happiness.
Also, I started watching my favourite TV series through again, Red Dwarf. I really took note of one of the things Rimmer says in the episode "Thanks for the Memory", where he says he would trade anything to have loved and to have been loved, which prompts Lister to give him the memory of Evon McGruder (sorry, I have an encyclopaedic knowledge of that show lol). Well, that got me thinking, I do have a memory of having loved and having been loved, it was a relationship from back when I was 15, me and this girl were inseparable for almost a year. It's over now and she's off and married, but I still have that memory, and that makes me happy :)
-
Sounds like you have had a better day today 0158
-
You can do without friends like that
-
Thanks guys, I did have a good day today :) I introduced my cat to my rabbit and played with them running around the garden :P Turns out my cat loves to play with the rabbit and my rabbit has a great time running around playing with her. They run all over and chase each other and grapple each other and have a ton of fun XD I had to break it up when it got a little too rough a couple of times but they seemed to learn the limits pretty quick and how to play without hurting each other :) After I put the rabbit back in his hutch the cat was hanging around outside and they actually licked each other through the bars of the hutch :D I'll let them out to play again tomorrow. It seems like they have great fun together as long as I'm there to supervise and make sure they don't get too rough.
In other news, I started watching Daria on Netflix and absolutely loved it, sure she's a girl and I'm a guy, but I just love how the character is so cynical yet manages to be happy under it all. She's well aware that people in her life are annoying or uninteresting, yet she manages to make something positive from it anyway. I also like how Jane Lane is well aware that she's a little weird, but doesn't try to hide it, she just acts like herself and isn't driven by other people's opinion of her :P That and the show is really funny XD It kinda made me realise that you don't have to like everyone, a lot of people will grate on you, but there's always a community for you. As long as you make an effort with everyone, it doesn't really matter whether you like them or not. You will like some people and not like others, that doesn't make you bad, as long as you gave everyone a chance. I think a lot of my problem is not speaking up when I don't like people because it makes me feel bad for not liking them.
-
cat and a rabbit playing together, that would have been fun to watch
-
Yeah, they're bloody weird lol sometimes the rabbit gets a little fresh with the cat but she won't put up with any of that :P so it's been an OK couple of days, I'm noticing the low moods are less frequent and less pronounced these days which is a big plus. There have been some things that have grated on me, but they haven't gotten me down so much, just wound me up. Like I do a podcast every week, and during the recording I noticed that one of the girls who occasionally does bits on it used to have a different surname though she isn't married, so I asked when she changed her name and she got kinda defensive and told me after that it was inappropriate to ask her that :S I don't get it, it was an innocent question. Is she really going to get tetchy with me because I don't know her whole life history and accidentally hit a sore point or something? Wouldn't a normal person just brush that off if they knew I didn't know their past? It's more inexplicable because I changed my name a few years ago, and she knows I did, and I don't care about telling people why I changed it, it's just not a big deal. It's not like I asked her to explain every detail, all I asked was "when did you change your name?". Hell, I once went on a date with a girl who admitted on the first date that her dad killed her mum since I was bound to find out about it anyway, I was a little shocked by it, but I prefer people who don't make their past a big secret and then get tetchy when you don't know about it. I don't mind if someone doesn't want to talk about something, but then don't get annoyed when I don't know about it! Grrr some people lol
I guess it just winds me up when people choose to be all mysterious about their past and then take offence when people accidentally say the wrong thing not knowing that they shouldn't have said what they did. Maybe I'm just really open? I don't know, but if someone asks me about my past, I'll tell them, it doesn't bother me. And I certainly won't get annoyed if they say something that offends me for reasons they have no idea about, if they did it on purpose knowing it would upset me, that's a different story. I just think people keep too many secrets and you're constantly treading on eggshells with people, well, the ones I seem to be around all the time anyway :S
Grrr lol some people eh?
PS. I changed my name because I was bullied as a kid and wanted to start over and make a new identity for myself, like so I could think "I've changed, that wasn't me, that was someone else." That's how I dealt with it at the time. I don't mind telling anyone that.
-
I'm glad that you have noticed the improvement. Long may it continue. So your mindreading qualities have failed you, and you upset somebody. I would suggest that it's more HER problem. It's reasonable to ask an innocent question. It's called communication. Thats how we find out things! Don't lose any sleep over it. Best wishes. :bye:
-
Thanks :)
Today I noticed the people I do this podcast with including that girl making a dig about me for supporting the multiverse theory on Facebook (once again Facebook drama eh? :P). I didn't say anything, I'm not the type of person to air my dirty laundry on Facebook, I like to think I have a little more tact than that lol. What bothers me is that they they ASKED me to explain what the multiverse theory is in the first place. So basically they asked for an explanation of something which is very complex, failed to understand it and then decided to make fun of me for thinking it might be possible.
I don't care if someone doesn't understand a theory, that's fine, or even if they want to argue against it with evidence to disprove it, that's how we advance as a species. But to make fun of someone for presenting a theory just because you don't understand it is how teenagers act, well, thoughtless teenagers anyway. I feel like I'm talking to a wall with these people. These are people who have a guy with no teeth come deliver pot to them on a daily basis and treat him better than they treat me. I'm not against people smoking pot, but jesus christ, have some standards!
I just feel like I'm surrounded by idiots a lot of the time.
I think a lot of my low mood comes from frustration at not being able to find people to hold an intelligent conversation with.
I think I'm painfully understimulated by the people I know.
-
Ah the curse of Facebook and no I'm not trying to be funny. I used to like Facebook in the early days but now it's a different matter as people abuse it. I don't understand the mentality of people who choose to be unkind through it whether it's to poke fun at someone of become bullies.
-
I tend to avoid it nowadays, it just seems to have turned into a barrage of people making passive-aggressive digs at each other or banging on about how amazing their life is. I just sometimes think "wow, good for you, you went to a pub and had lunch..." I think Stewie Griffin hit the nail on the head with a lot of people too: "Wow, you took a black and white photo of a lawn chair, you must be so brooding and deep" :P People do become bullies on there too, like they'll make a dig at you, so you decide you've had enough of them and unfriend them, then they get all tetchy because you unfriended them! It just seems like the place where people go to say things to people they wouldn't in person. Genuinely, I have about 5 people out of my friends list who I actually give a crap about and what they're doing. It's like when people used to send round robins, except you get about 100 of them every day from people you barely even know lol Then you have this whole "like" crap. I'll post up something trying to start a discussion, and I just get a load of people "liking" it! Even my mum does it and she lives in the same house as me! If she likes what I said so much then why not come and talk about it? :P
I'm a technology nut, but the way having a smart phone changes everything is really annoying as much as it is convenient. Now when you buy a movie you often even get a copy you can watch on your phone! I tend to agree with what David Lynch had to say on that: "It's such a sadness that you think you've seen a film on your f***ing telephone. Get real!" :P
I sound like such a moody sod here haha. I'm not, I actually had a good day :) I'm just having one of those "why do I put up with all this pointless crap?" moments lol.
It's like every time you meet a new person you're obligated to "friend" them and then be bombarded with every detail of their life, it's bloody annoying! When I want to find out what someone's been up to, I'll go see them, and if they want to find out what I've been up to, they can come and see me! But no, I have to be stuck with daily updates about how they're getting "morning kisses" from their f***ing dog!
:P
-
Don't talk to me about smart phones 005 . I finally brought myself up to the 21st century in January and got a Sony Xperia P which meant downloading the manual because I wasn't supplied one 004 . I refuse to go on the internet with it though but I do like playing games on it.
Months ago I got so fed up with Facebook and the amount of 'friends' I had (about 1600) that I de-activated it and set up a new account. Now i have friends I want to keep in touch with on my friends list plus people I got to know over the years who have an adoption connection.
-
I understand how you feel cat was not for me at all.
-
Hey all,
Sadly today was a rough day.
This guy I was friends with as a kid called me to ask me to drive him and his band to the airport. That's typical of him, I don't hear from him for months, when I do see him he treats me like a sidekick and revels in how bad I've been feeling, but when he needs a favour, he comes straight to me as if he knows I'll help him out whenever he comes calling. This time he was wrong, I don't give a crap if his band didn't make plans for transport under the assumption that I was some mug who would just drop everything and help them out. Looks like they're missing their gig in France, boo freaking hoo. This is a band of four guys whose average age is about 28. None of them can drive. I guess they're just so self assured that their friends are such mugs that they'll drive their asses around when they ring the bell. Sorry guys, you didn't learn to drive, which is pretty crucial nowadays. If you aren't paying me, I'm not being your taxi. This is the same band that threw a hissy fit when we were kids when I asked to be paid for setting up their sound system for a gig. So they're too lazy to do it themselves, but god forbid I should have the audacity to ask to be PAID for WORKING for them! Apparently real friends work for free to do a job the band is perfectly capable of doing themselves! I don't mind doing a favour, but if I'm doing 3 hours work for them, they can bloody pay me a cut of the money they are making. I'm meant to be a friend, not a f***ing servant!
This is the same group of people who have a girl friend who will shag one of the groupies at the drop of a hat who is by all accounts the biggest asshole I have ever met despite her knowing just that because he's "cool" or something, despite him being a foul, womanising neanderthal with a beer belly the size of a small car.
These are the sorts of people I am surrounded by, and I hate them with every fibre of my being. If I were a violent guy I'd be concerned for their safety. Luckily I'm the sort who doesn't solve their problems with violence, but how can I get away from these creeps?? I'm stuck on an island with them!
I know there are decent, intelligent people in the UK, I've met them on this site, but how do you all deal with being surrounded with morons???
It's a pretty sorry state of affairs when we intelligent folk are surrounded by halfwits like this, it's little wonder we are depressed.
Sorry, had to vent.
James x
-
Although I should add, the day was little better because I watched my favourite movie :) You wanna hurt me? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFh5FzXIeBg#ws) I love it for that scene alone, well, as well as for it being the one film I can watch over and over and never get bored :P it also carries a hint of sadness for me in knowing that I'll never get to America or Canada, so the adventure they had is one I'll never have. No matter how much I want it, I'm stuck on this little island, and I'll never live off of it. I'm a big fish in a tiny pond. I can dream as big and as far as I want, but the reality is I'm beached on a little island with nowhere to go. At least, that's what this f***ing black cloud that follows me every day tells me, and I can't find a singe thing to argue back.
-
:hug: I feel like that at times and in part I blame myself. I was a student nurse and had I qualified the world would have opened as other countries snap up British nurses. Depression and bullying from two RMN's got the better off me and I chucked the towel in :(
-
I posted about my day on here instead of the other slot. absent minded time.
I hope you find the friends that bring out the best in you and make you feel supported.
x
-
Hi all, just wanted to check in.
So as far as friends go, I've isolated myself for a little bit to keep myself sane and begun working on a heavily story driven game with some guys I met online called "That Dragon Cancer" about a heavily introverted guy who finds out he has a few months to live and has to piece together the relationships he made in life and is all about discovering this guy's story from repressed memories. I've played a demo of it and so far it's really moving :) it's a pretty sad story but working on it is really exciting. I think we're heading in a Dear Esther direction where the whole game is the story, and I feel like telling stories is my strong point so I'm right at home. After all, my whole life is a story, and I like telling it my own way, so it's even more exciting to tell someone else's story in the same way.
:)
James
-
Hey everyone,
Sadly I've had a bad couple of days, I've been horribly depressed and frustrated. I find myself getting paranoid and delusional at times. Like feeling as if people are making fun of me when I know they're not really. I keep getting this feeling like I'm talentless and worthless and everyone's criticising and laughing at me for it. My parents really aren't helping as well intentioned as they are. They keep complaining that they hardly ever see me since I'm always off doing my own thing and don't talk to them much. The problem is, I'm 24, I need to be independent. I'm the last one of my siblings living at home and I feel guilted into spending time with them when I'd rather be doing my own thing and living my own life. It doesn't help that the most common phrases I hear from them are "what?" and "Say that again?", It's frustrating beyond belief. Nobody else seems to have trouble hearing me, yet I constantly have to repeat myself when I'm talking to them. They're not hard of hearing, I could forgive that, they just don't seem to listen, and when they, especially my dad, talk to me, they take half a century to get a sentence out and seem perpetually confused and oblivious. They're older than me, they're going on 60, and I appreciate they wont be as alert as a young person. I don't hold that against them, but it's sometimes frustrating when you're trying to hold a conversation and it feels like having a conversation with someone who is drunk off their ass (neither of them drink I should clarify).
I suppose a lot of my problem is I feel bad for my parents and so let them mother me too much so they won't feel lonely or like the nest is empty, I'm the last one here after all. It's like I have to hold down the fort, or sacrifice my independence because I'm too kind to be firm with them.
-
hey kutuup your issues are almost a carbon copy of my own.I am 23 and still live at home with my.parents.On the other hand I am an only child but they always seem to.mother me,wanting to have conversations with me,make me tea and always say "we never see you".Way am feelig at the mo the world and everyone in it angers and depresses me so I just want to be left alone to do my own thing.They don't know about my depression cos they are from the old school where depression doesn't exist and you shouldn't have to take tablets all your life. I don't think they get me so.I dint tell them about my depression cos they will suffocate me even more.I feel guilty i f I move out but then I think i'd rather just keep myself to myself so I can't win either way.I get theough cos am a goid bull&$%+ter,i pretty much live two lives my "home" life and my "not at home" life.I hife.my depression,my self harming,heavy drinking and eating problems and soon to occur counselling sessions.Are you receiving help for your problems,either medication or counselling etc?
PP
-
apologies for all the typos but fat thumbs and touch screen phone keypads don't mix lol
-
Although I am the youngest of two children I was always very independent from an early age so it has been the opposite for me. Even though my sister was married at 21 and the extrovert she's the one that has spent more time with my parents. When I started working my parents hardly saw me and even weekends I was out quite a bit so it was a bit like ships passing in the might.
I don't think parents even realize they are even doing it but saying that when my mum died my dad became very independent (he's 84 now). It has been the other way that my sister has become the clingy one with my dad not wanting him to have a love, well that's what it seems like :bgrin:
-
I am 48 and too old for this thread. I have no children to force to do things. I try to agree things with my nieces and stepsons.
-
I recently had a dream where everything was perfect , yet it was far from it. If that makes any sense. Me and some friends (who only existed in this dream) were in New York (yet it was a New York so far removed from reality that it could have been anywhere). We were in some idealistic place I recognised as New York in this dream. We went on some crazy adventures exploring this place. This dream, above all others, made me realise this: This isn't how things were meant to be, not at all. That's what makes me depressed and frustrated. What is is so far removed from what I pictured for myself, my dream is just that, a dream. it's the "orgastic future" Gatsby spoke about in the book. It seems one of the hardest lessons I will have to learn is that what I pictured my future being is a dream.
Maybe it's time I woke up and accepted that life isn't about dreaming, it's about accepting what is, as desolate as it is. That's been my primary thought today. I wish it would go away.
-
Sometimes dreams can be good. I didn't have a great relationship with my mum yet the first 6 months after she died I had special dreams. In them we were getting on well as if she hadn't died and we had been reconciled.
-
So today I found out that the first girlfriend I ever had at like 16 is now pregnant and engaged to be married. It was a bad day. She's off on her new life and happy. I'm here, single for 7+ years, unemployed, pretty much a loser. I called her to congratulate her but I was too ashamed to tell her I had been single for nearly a decade and had no job. I think the whole thing just reminded me that at my age I should be making a start on some kind of life, but it's like life stopped dead years ago, and I've been stuck in a chasm of a rut ever since. Like I've just been existing, not living. I have nothing to show for the time I've lived. I think I know what Tori Amos meant by "feeling old by 21", except I'm a few years past that already.
But then there's that little part of my mind that I gained through therapy that wants to just yell out: "She's too f***ing young to be having a kid and getting married!!! You're not abnormal! You're f***ing SENSIBLE!!!"
No, I don't literally hear two voices in my head, but I can't seem to decide which idea to listen to. One tells me I'm a loser and I'm miles behind the life events I should be having by now, and the other tells me to not give two &$%+s what everyone else is doing and do my own thing and hopefully things will work out. The problem is, neither offers any kind of certainty, and I'm VERY prone to doubt.
-
Hi kutup, unfortunatly there are very few things in life that are a certainty,
Being single is indeed a terrible thing, but im sure you will find someone who will want to be with you, and spend many happy years with you.
(dont worry so much about unemployed, even fit and healthy people cant get a job)
-
Hey all :)
So it's been a cathartic few days and I've been thinking about the root of my problems. I think I know what it is. I think I hung out with the wrong people as a kid. One guy in particular. This guy pretty much ran my life and I was almost subservient to him. If everyone was going out to a party and he didn't want to go, I would stay with him and bitch about the people who went out. The thing I didn't realise at the time was that he wasn't raising me above the other people, he was utterly destroying my youth and my social life. He wasn't a friend, he was a leech. The thing is everyone else was too smart to fall for his crap, but I did, and it took everything from me. I think back and realise that nearly everything he said and did wasn't the kind of thing a friend would do and say. From "disowning" me as a friend for smoking to calling me out for hanging out with girls who were people he had "called dibs on". He still has the audacity to claim that he's sad because I don't hang out with him any more. Bull&$%+. He isn't sad, he's just sorry I learned some self respect. I don't owe him jack &$%+. He's the one who lies to people on a daily basis and tells them he has a masters degree when he doesn't even have a single GCSE. Why? Because I have a degree, and he can't bear the thought that I'm more educated than him. He's a pathetic, lying cunt and he's done more damage to me than I can express. His ex girlfriend who he liked to rub in my face agrees whole heartedly. He's a moron, he has no clue about anything other than how to control and guilt people and I don't owe him any more than I could spit.
There's a reason why I never wanted to introduce him to any of the exes I had as a kid and young adult. It's because he's such an insidious cunt that he would make fun of me in front of them and belittle me and try to make me look ignorant when he doesn't have a single qualification, why? Because he's a borderline special needs child who couldn't grow a clue with a bag of fertilizer, yet he lies like a fallen angel with dreams of world domination.
I used to feel sorry for him, but thinking back on how he treated me and how he obliterated my childhood, I don't feel an ounce of sorrow. He was a cancerous leech and he sucked every hint of confidence I had out of me. He made every effort to drive my exes away from me, presumably so they would fall from him, and he felt no remorse. All he wanted was for me to be less than him. The fact that I'm not kills him every day. The problem for him is that I wasn't born into money like him and he thought he never had to try with people to succeed, when he didn't succeed, he fed off me like a tumor and I let him for so long like an idiot. Sadly for him, I'm older now, and wiser, and I couldn't give a &$%+ how his life is, he ruined mine, and quite deliberately, because it made him happy. I'm not subservient to him any more, and I don't care one bit how he feels or what happens to him, he could die tomorrow and I wouldn't mourn him. He destroyed my life and my confidence for his own pleasure. I thought for most of my childhood that that was what a friend was. How wrong I was. Sadly for me I have to deal with the damage he caused emotionally.
What friend causes so much damage that a person has difficulty ever trusting another person ever again in their life? None. That person isn't a friend, they are a cancer, and they will feed from you until you die, because it makes their self indulgent fantasy come true. They are filth, no matter how well they lie, and the fact that they lie makes them feel better while for destroying your life. You don't need them, and I don't need him. Spit them the f*** out.
-
You have a lot of self awareness, and you have certainly grown. It's a shame that his way of trying to find happiness involved so many ways of attempting to control yours! It's a good thing that you don't waste your energy and thoughts on him. I hope that YOUR strength continues to grow. Best wishes. :bye:
-
I should apologise for dropping the c word in there, I think I was a sailor in a past life :P
So in terms of dealing with the people who have treated me like a subordinate, and the people who still do, I've begun the process of removing them from my life and replacing them. I don't even really try to explain to them why they aren't needed in my life any more, I'd rather they figure that out for themselves, also, I don't feel I owe them an explanation. If they call, I ignore it, if they send me a message, I don't reply. They'll get the message eventually. Am I being a bit of a dick for doing it? Maybe, but in reality, I don't care about them any more.
I kinda feel like Kevin Spacey's character in this scene, except replace a cheating wife with friends who treated you like a sidekick and expect you to just get on with it:
American Beauty Burger Scene (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYmO9oXsTF8#)
God I love that movie :P
-
I've done my fair share of cutting people out of my life. Some because they weren't a positive influence in my life others because of disagreements and they wouldn't accept they were partly to blame.
-
Hey,
So I've begun the purge, I've begun removing the negative aspects of my past who keep hanging on because they can't live without treading on someone. Sadly what I'm left with is a past where, realistically and honestly, I existed for other people's amusement or convenience. I had a "best friend" who always compared me to the loser in movies we watched and always made me the butt of a joke. He wasn't a friend, he was a cancer. He keeps calling me nowadays and saying he misses me and wants to hang out. Sorry "buddy", I don't need you, I don't owe you a thing. You wanna tell me about how you're depressed and how awful your life is? Bull&$%+, get f***ed. You were happy enough feeding off me, you're just sad I got wise to it. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I'm just as bad as you. You took away everything I had, and made me a slave. I couldn't care less.
-
reading this thread almost promted me to start a journal, but ill reply before I contemplate how to start one.
kutuup what you said about existing for other people I can completely relate to.
I was living in my own flat at 16 (parents split I moved to Ireland at 11 and back to uk at 15) and was working full time. I was the only one in my group who had complete independence. I was a follower and did what everyone els in the group did, my role in the group was joker, the one who had a "free house" all the time, the one who stopped fights within the group to break out...
what im getting at in a long ass way is I was taken advantage of and take for granted, I didn't realise at the time but these days if there is ANYONE who treats me in a way I don't agree with or that isn't justified, I cut them off! if anyone makes me feel bad I don't want to know them. they don't deserve to know me. ive lived by the phrase actions speak louder than words because its so true, especially when you have lied to or misled by so many people... I don't believe things until I see them now....
people seem to always say the right things but in reality they cant back things up.... for egsample you may have friends who say if you ever need anything just call them, and the day you do they don't help....
you may have many people who break promises... I cant stand people promising me things because all promises made to me have been broken.
I hope this mate from your past doesn't have much influence in your life anymore, you definitely could do without that in your life!
-
Hi Craig,
Sorry for the late reply, I've been away for a while visiting family in Ireland.
As far as cutting people out of your life goes, it's a good idea to have a purge every so often. A lot of times you will find that you are spending time with people you just don't like, sometimes they're nice people, sometimes they are assholes. With the nice ones it's not fair on them to continue the friendship, so let them down gently. With the assholes, it's not fair on YOU to continue the friendship, so just get rid of them, unceremoniously if necessary. A lot of the problem I have is devoting time to spending time with people I just don't like and with whom I gain nothing from spending that time because I feel obliged to. The thing you need to learn is you are not obliged to spend time with anyone. Give your time to people who you find interesting and stimulating, and who give something back. You will sometimes find that you can improve your quality of life significantly by cutting ties with even whole groups of people. Sure it's difficult at first to just cut people off, but in time, especially with the ones who f***ed you around and used you, that you feel better for getting them out of your life. In the process you often find that people you didn't really consider friends become the ones you are close with. For example, I recently started talking to this guy I used to work with who I always thought was a little slow and a bit dumb, well shame on me, because we've been hanging out a lot lately and he has a quality I really appreciate, he's loyal as all hell. He always treats you as an equal and is an all round nice and funny guy, sure he's no genius, but I don't care about that because he's always so upbeat and fun. Sometimes you connect with the people you thought you would the least.
James
-
no problem James hope you had a good time, I used to live in meath & Westmeath I haven't been back for a good few years now, to be sure to be sure. :P
its a shame to admit but all of my good friends aren't local to me, there people ive met in Ireland or malta and as weve got older were all spread out all over the world now so maintaining those friendships without depression is hard enough but with it... I think Ive pushed some people further away than id have liked.
I know that im not obliged to spend time with anyone really but there are still the family ties which make me feel obligated to spend time with certain people because they themselves suffer from mental illness. speaking of my brother wwho is schizophrenic and my mother who I believe suffers depression and has early symptoms of dementia as well so that's where I feel obligated to spend time with them. as horrible as it sounds even though they have their own issues I find it difficult sometimes to put my feelings aside to accommodate them and their needs. but I find myself doing things for other people at my own detriment...
its just in my nature to help people if I can but I battle with helping others or myself all the time.
ive made drastic changes to my social circle and only really have 2/3 people that I regularly see at the moment.
meeting good people is few and far between ive found so im gratefull for meeting some of you guys on here.