Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: MoshyMonster on March 29, 2013, 03:27:38 PM
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I think this is going to be hard to write......
I think I've always had depression, but since I turned 40 it's moved from being 'in the background' to become a dominant feature. It used to be something that caused me trouble from time to time but I could work around it. Now it feels like it's always gnawing away at me and when something bad happens it gets me by the throat.
This is the bit where I was going to tell my story, but it's long......It's just been a hard few years.
I decided to change my career and went back to study. Since I made that call I have had a cascade of crises.
Shortly after I started studying my then wife left me and ultimately we got divorced. I then lost my home, went through testicular cancer and lost my mother to cancer. I met someone else but that relationship has just ended.
I feel tired and empty. I have lost the people who were important to me and I am important to no-one. I'm not a bad person. I'm just shy and lacking in confidence. I am lonely and I feel like I've lost the ability to connect with other people.
I am ashamed that I feel like this. I feel that things must be like this because of the way I am and the decisions I've made. I feel like it's a judgment on me.
I know that for things to get better I need to get out there and meet people and put down roots. But I am so anxious and I feel like people can see how sad I am and that it will disgust them. I don't why I think that. I've never felt like that about other people but I think that's what people will think of me.
I'm not suicidal, but I often go to bed not really wanting to wake up.
I've been through this before. I know it's going to get worse but then it will get better - but it's always there and I'm exhausted by the fight.
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Hi and welcome *() MoshyMonster
I've never worked out why life sends all all the awful stuff in one go, I'm not surprised you are struggling. Have you been to your doc for some meds?
Everyone here will help as much as they can
Z xxx
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sign0016
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Hello and welcome, you are not alone here. :hug: for you.
S x x x x
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Hi MoshyMonster
Welcome.
I see a lot of my own thoughts and feelings in your post. But depression is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm trying to come to terms with it being a part of me.
But it sounds like you've had bit of a rough time of late. Any of the things you've been through would, in isolation, be enough to knock most people, so to go through them all - well, it's understandable that you're struggling.
We're all here to help, and we all understand what it's like, far better than any 'professional'.
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Thanks guys. I was really down when I posted that entry. I've had a few days without more than 2 or 3 hours sleep. It badly distorts my view of things when that happens.
I've been keeping busy today tho' and the sun was out! Got on my bike and went down the shops.
I'm keen to try and tackle these feelings without medication. If I get stuck in a 'thought rut' or I have too long without sleep I know they're there to help me get through though.
It's my first time on this site and I'm sure it will help me lock the monster back in the box.
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Everyone here have been through similar experiences. I hope you find the Forum helpful. The sun can make a huge difference, let's hope there's more on the way, we are starved of some decent weather to shake off those winter blues.
Medication is a very personal choice. Good luck with that