Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: will.i.am.not on March 06, 2013, 07:25:07 PM
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Now, where to start? First, I should preface this by saying that I do not suffer from depression, I never have and touch wood, I won't in the future. The reason I'm posting this is because I live with someone who does. For the sake of anonymity (indulge me, please), her name will be Emma. I am 26, and she is 22, and we've been living together for the better part of a year and a half now. Although it will be our second anniversary this month, we've been seeing each other for roughly two and a half years.
Although she was always one of the personalities in her group of friends, she's been on antidepressants for quite a while, and only came off them after meeting me. I didn't even know she was on them, but she says her life changed for the better when I came along and she no longer needed them (I don't mean to sound big-headed, I'm not). A while later we moved in together, and things were fantastic at first. However, since then things have gone downhill, and finally came to a head this week. She has quite a firey temper which she gets from her dad, and she's prone to look on the negative side when things go wrong, whereas I'll find a way to sort them out. The downside to this is that she's stuck in a rut and because of her negative mindset, it's been getting worse and worse. This is complicated/caused by various interlinked factors which all conspire to drag her down. Her job sucks. She struggles to sleep. She has chronic sinusitis which makes her cough and sneeze for a long time before she can settle down at night. Her dad isn't supportive in the slightest. The list goes on.
It probably stems back to her dad, he's very much the 'tough love' type. However, of late it's been worse. Emma could do with losing a little bit of weight (not much, just half a stone maybe), but rather than be supportive, he tells her she's fat, to her face. I know how demoralising that is as I had to lose 5 stone before I got to the point of being happy with myself. We're currently trying to get her a new job, and he shoots her down, telling her that the ones she's applying for won't pay enough, or she'll never get them. Don't get me wrong, I get on really well with him and he's a nice guy, but his parenting skills leave a hell of a lot to be desired. His 'advice' about the job situation is probably him trying to stop her getting her hopes up too much, but that's not the way to go about it.
I've suggested counselling before, however she's always point-blank refused. She used to confide in her best friend Denyse, until Denyse decided she was going to steal Emma's boyfriend (of the time) from her. Since then, she's always had trust issues. However, this week work has just been horrendous, to the point where I think she was close to having a breakdown. I can tell it's bad, as she has said she wants to speak to a counsellor. I arranged a doctor's appointment for her with the intention of her getting a referral for counselling or CBT, but my worry is that she'll need to believe they're going to work for them to work, but that's difficult as she's always been so dead against them. I can't tell her this though as it'll only make her feel worse because she doesn't believe in herself in the first place. She often speaks of suicidal thoughts too, although I don't know whether she would carry them out. She did use to cut herself though.
It's incredibly hard to be that person on the outside looking in. You have so many ideas and ways you could help them, but sometimes you just have to go with it and just be the person who's there for them. It's so hard being that rock though, when all you want to do is cry with them, but you can't because they need you to be strong. I do everything I can, but all I really want is for her to be happy.
I'm working on it from as many angles, but trying to be two people is hard. I'm trying to get her a new job, I'm working on getting rid of her sinusitis. I'm hoping that clearing her breathing will help her sleep better, cough less, ease her headaches. Trouble is, they need to happen yesterday, but there's just not enough hours in the day. I'm worried I'm going to burn myself out.
When I was thinking about writing this, I had so many things I wanted to say, but when I try and type it I get a mental block. I've missed a ton of smaller stuff, but it all ties into the bigger picture.
My point is this; I know you're having a hard time of it, but it's hard in so many other ways for any onlooker who is privy to the full extent of the situation. There is someone that cares though, even if you don't believe it.
Whilst writing this, I've had Baz Luhrmann's Sunscreen song on in the background. If you know the song, you'll know how much truth there is in it.
p.s. sorry for the rambling and meandering mess you've just read, kudos if you didn't skip any of it!
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Hi, your girlfriend is a lucky lady. So many partners and family struggle to understand. I am also lucky as I have a very understanding and supportive husband. I know I have been difficult to live with while suffering. Having support from our loved ones and friends helps so much. Also we often feel guilty for being ill and putting extra pressure on our loved ones.
I hope your partner gets the help she needs at her dr's appointment. Also that she manages to get a job that she enjoys.
S x x x x
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+_+ , you're very welcome here as partners deserve support as well. Although I have suffered with depression for many years I hid it from my husband and I was supportive of him as he suffers with depression. For me it all came to a head after a series of events which he managed to cope with very well considering how many years I have hidden it.
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Thanks guys, appreciate it.
Hindsight is a terrible thing because I know that something should have been done about this a long time ago, however I guess the most important thing now is to keep the ball rolling.
Are waiting lists heavily subscribed for talking therapies? I'd hate for her to get this far and then have to wait yonks for an appointment. Unfortunately we're in the south-east so I'd imagine we'll get hit worst here.
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I am afraid waiting lists can be long. I did my counselling through MIND it helped me so much. I also did small group therapies with them. The group therapies were free but the counselling I had to pay for but if on a low income or benefits they waiver or lower the fee. MIND have a wide range of help and it would be worth contacting them. Just put MIND into your search engine to find your nearest center.
S x x x x
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If I had half the love and support that you have for your partner, I'd feel very fortunate.
Very often, people suffering depression, are also significant personalities within their group of friends.
I know the Dad means well. However, his comments are crushing to a depressive. If our nearest and dearest think we're fat or not capable of certain jobs, what hope do we have for improving our situation?
You're right, there's no good persuading someone they need therapy; they need to want that process of help. Unfortunately, on the NHS, the waiting times are too long. Private therapy and MIND might be the better option. I'm sure the local MIND will have recommended Therapists. Like everything else, some are good, others not so great.
I wonder if you consider your partners sinusitis might be an allergy to the bed or bedding or perhaps too much dust in the room/under the bed.
I hope things start to materialise for you. Welcome to the Forum. I hope it can help support both of you
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Hi Will, welcome to the forums.
it is good to see you are supportive to your partner, she probably needs it even more with the comments her father makes.
it is all too easy for some people to say things that many people would just let go, but to anyone with depression they are magnified and can be like a huge brick wall has been slaped in front of them.
counceling could be a very good idea, also seeing the doc to get more anti d's, some people unfortunatly need them for many years or longer.
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Thanks for you input guys, really appreciate it.
Well the doctor's visit seemed to be fairly productive, from what I've heard he was very understanding and helpful. We've got a questionnaire to fill out and there's a follow-up appointment in a couple of weeks. I'm still worried about waiting lists for counselling though, gonna take a look into the private healthcare I get with work and see if that can help I think.
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Glad you made it to your doctor which will help $%$
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Good idea about the private health care, maybe you could claim for a partner.
Good luck. Let us know how it goes
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Good to hear the DR's appointment went well, you have started the road for help for your partner.
S x x x x
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Something else I meant to ask - my other half wants kids and it worries me that because of her depression she's more likely to be hit with post-natal depression too. Are people with depression more likely to end up with PND too?
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I really don't know, I think its worth having a chat with your Dr.
S x x x x
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Yes I agree it is better to talk to your doctor. Everybody is different regardless of whether they suffer with depression or not.
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I wouldn't know about this. Best talk to GP.
I hope you're both doing okay
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id say the same as others, best to talk to docs.... together with your partner if you can
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thanks guys, not planning on doing anything about it yet, was just curious if there was a link at all. She has a follow-up appointment next week to discuss the questionnaire she was given in full, if I can't go then her mum will be going with her, would rather that than she went by herself.
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thats good Will...
it can be very uncomfortable for some people to do these things alone
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Good to hear her mum is going with her, I always took someone with me for moral support. I hope it goes well for her.
S x x x x
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It's good to accompany her but I take it she will go into the room on her own? I really do hope it goes well for her
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I also hope the appointment helps and that her mum can go in with her. It's difficult going to appointments at times so if I need to go my husband goes with me usually as he knows I find it difficult to speak when I'm really low.
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Ok, so it's been a while since I've updated this. My other half has been up and down since then, but has recently managed to get a referral to counselling on the nhs. This is a big step, as she always said counselling wouldn't help her (she's very stubborn). So anyway, this seems to have been helping her, although she's only had a couple of sessions. Her manager and her line manager have also been supportive now they know what's going on.
This was until Monday, anyway. Something went off at work on Monday and she phoned me in tears after she'd been blamed for not doing something she doesn't have access to anyway and so could never do. Basically, her manager can't delegate properly (or at all). The upshot of this is she went to the doctor's on Monday night for something else and this came up which resulted in her being signed off for a week.
The issue is, she has no motivation whatsoever when I'm not around, and I work an hour away from home. She has lots of things she wants to do around home, but no motivation to do them. Can you guys suggest anything that might help?
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Is there any other support for her when you're not around?
Maybe someone you trust can help at times like this. Sorry for not being helpful as I'm more motivated when I'm on my own.