Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: Catbrian on February 23, 2013, 02:00:32 PM
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Families…. I never had a good relationship with mine. I am different to the others, the black sheep. My moods and general “mentalnessâ€, coupled with their reluctance to understand, have often stood between us. There are times when I am “possessed†by what I now understand to be cluster A of a Personality Disorder.
I long for the support from my family, but I need to learn to accept this will never be available. Instead, they continue to put me under pressure to do all the things a “normal†person would do, like visiting them, meeting up in central London, and going for meals or shows; even coffee in a café is a challenge. If I don’t do what they expect, there is bad feeling that can last from months to years.
I try not to let it bother me, sometimes I even pretend that it doesn’t matter. After all these years, I should be used to it by now. But, no matter how hurtful their indifference is, I always long for them to reach out and appear just a wee bit interested.
For my own sake, I need to learn to let this go. I must not expect compassion or understanding from people who are more likely to feel contempt towards my MH problems. Someone once wrote on here about letting go, “letting go is not getting rid of, letting go is letting beâ€. Somehow, this is what I need to achieve, but how I actually get there, is anyone’s guess.
I wonder how many other people have had similar experiences and what they did to overcome or come to terms with these extraordinarily difficult circumstances.
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it always hurts that they won't help. my family won't but do expect from me. my cats are the best people in my life.
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My parents never really understood me and I couldn't accept that I suffered with depression for many years. It was only because I reached rock bottom in 2005 that I finally accepted it. I tried explaining how bad it was to my parents but they seemed to brush it off as if it was a cold or something. I let my sister know about a year ago and bared my soul. I spelled it all out including my self harming and suicide attempts which seems to accept and she will ask how I am feeling. My sister has been good enough to respect my wishes not to tell my dad how bad my depression is as he is 83 now.
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Well, this is it, Pip, my parents are 76 and, IMO, past me bringing up my problems, but the past left me in no doubt how they feel about everything.
Iggy, my cats are a blessing. It almost feels sad to see them grow old
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cats are the best
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My mum somehow refuses to believe there is such thing as depression :0(
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I started with the family wanting to support me. As my depression got worse, they all disappeared.
I made the decision to let go, have no contact with them as its easier than them supporting me, then dropping me.
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i understand my mum is more bothered about her 50th wedding ann party than how i feel.
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Leo, that is exactly how I feel. But, I also feel it left a huge gap in my life that cannot be filled with anything else. I suppose it evokes similar issues when dealing with any significant loss.
Zaf, I think, if your mum said this in relation to your depression, she is simply refusing to allow you to be ill; perhaps a little selfish
I think most people have had experience of mild depression; the sort that you are able to dust yourself down and soldier on. Unfortunately, other people mistakenly judge the more serious forms of depression as being similar to what they experienced. They could not possibly imagine the dark places our minds have been
I'm trying to practice living in the here and now. This sort of thing always conjures up years of frustration and anger. It is best to concentrate on ourselves, they will never change
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I do agree, I feel lonely. I have no one to confide in. I keep thinking I can deal with being lonely, I can't deal with being hurt anymore.
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You were up late, Leo...are you still have trouble sleeping?
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I long for the support from my family, but I need to learn to accept this will never be available. Instead, they continue to put me under pressure to do all the things a “normal†person would do, like visiting them, meeting up in central London, and going for meals or shows; even coffee in a café is a challenge. If I don’t do what they expect, there is bad feeling that can last from months to years.
Catb. I believe my depressed bf feels very similar to you and I hope you can help me and his family understand what we should be doing. If we ask him to do anything he refuses - probably as you say because he feels we are putting him under pressure. But, if we don't invite him, he feels left out. And he hates being asked how he is feeling. To be honest we don't know what to do or say anymore and his family now just avoid him which I know upsets him a great deal.
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the trouble is, asking most people with depression 'how are you feeling' is hard or dificult for them to say, like they are always saying bad, or crap, or other words like that.
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My problem with being asked to do anything or receiving an invitation is, either I am too depressed or fear I might be when the time comes. I have let too many people down through an inability to see past the acute stages of depression. The simplest way to ensure I don’t disappoint is by refusing to arrange anything.
To live alongside people who are evidently so very disappointed or inconvenienced, is tremendously difficult. Even though they try not to show it, their pain or discomfort is evident. In addition, whenever they expect something from me, I feel as though they have little thought for me and more care for their own needs.
At the end of the day, depression is one of the most difficult things for anyone to deal with. Families find it particularly difficult because their loved one is not the same person. Very often, people with depression can make others feel uncomfortable, even depressed. A depressive’s behaviour can be difficult for family to understand, sometimes they feel doomed if they do and damned if they don’t. Very soon, it becomes easier to avoid the depressive
However, if someone were suffering a very painful illness, you wouldn’t avoid him or her just because they were always groaning in pain. But, this is what happens when family and friends get a bit tired of depressives behaviour.
Depression is an illness, just like any other. Feeling irritable, disappointment, or discomfort with a depressive, only contributes to their already difficult existence. With respect, sometimes families are at a loss to understand what they should be doing, but if you ask if they have read anything on the subject, the answer is most likely to be ‘no’. If someone’s family really wants to understand and help, IMO, they would read every piece of literature they can find. Then, they would not be at a loss.
The fact is, in general, people don’t take depression seriously enough. They see it more as a passing phase than a serious illness. The majority of people have experience of feeling down. Unfortunately people mistakenly liken all depression as the same and become impatient because their loved one is still mopping around. It’s usually at such times when you hear them proclaim, “we’re at a loss what to doâ€. IMO, they’re only at a loss because they haven’t been bothering to find out.
Sorry, this has become a cat-essay, but it is something that has been niggling my brain for years. Not everyone will agree, but I can only talk from my own experiences.
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I completely agree Catb, you echo a lot of my thoughts on the subject.
I'm still struggling with sleep. Im getting less and less due to feeling stressed about various meetings with work at the moment.
My GP won't prescribe a sleeping tablet anymore either.
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Thanks Catb. That was a very insightful response. I have read a great deal on the subject of depression having suffered from recurring depression and anxiety for almost 20 years. I have undertaken counselling and CBT, I take ADs and I am now practising mindfulness meditation. My father also has chronic depression. Unfortunately my bf won't admit he has depression - I even left the book 'Depression - the curse of the strong' in a drawer in his house in the hope that might open up discussion. I am pretty sure his family don't know much about it and if they do have experience of it, they tend to attribute a physical reason to it e.g. he is irritable, moody, angry etc because he doesn't sleep well, has no money. I agree that educating everyone about depression is crucial. However, even armed with knowledge it is still upsetting and frustrating to watch someone you love suffer without doing anything to help themselves. If someone were suffering from a very painful physical illness, they would most likely seek help. IMO that is one of the main problems families/friends face when a loved one has depression.
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Want2help… I wasn’t suggesting your own knowledge and experience was lacking, but I suspect your b’f’s family is. In general, I think most people are ignorant to the “inside world of mental healthâ€. My mum is a depressive and her moods have always affected everyone close to her. I suppose, I was also suffering depression for many years before I had a mental breakdown 13 years ago. However, despite the knowledge and the experience, I could never have guessed the full extent of any depressive illnesses. So, in fairness to all those families and loved ones who have no clue, we too once harboured the same ignorance. The only way you truly understand “the beast†is if you have been there yourself. I always say, we should be thankful that they never do fully understand the true nature of depression.
I don't have a clue how to get someone to recognise their depression. This must be an incredibly frustrating position. If the b/f doesn't see his depression, does he have any awareness or excuse for his behaviour?
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i had to explain that my 'therapy' was not counselling to my intellegent mother yesterday. she doesn't care really
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Quite often it appears as if they don't care, but maybe....just MAYBE...sometimes they do care, but find it incredibly difficult to show it. Many of our parents are from harder times when you "grin and bare it/chin up" mentality was the only way forward. That awareness is of no help when we feel a yearning for their understanding and support
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Hi Cat,
I hate what goes on in families with regards to mental health. I got told the other week "You need to speak to your counselor." I call him my Therapist, his job title is a Cognitive Behavioral THERAPIST! Why do people show so little regards when we need them most. I beg for someone to just hug me sometimes and say "It's going to be alright. I'm here for you and if you want, we can lock the door and hide away from the world." But it never happens, metaphorically I feel like I'm standing in a room and people walk in and pull at my clothes and they are all like "Blah, Blah, Blah. I need this, can you do that?" Then they all just leave and I'm alone. Personally I feel like I spend my whole life running around trying to sort other peoples problems, ignoring my own. Forgetting my needs, wants and things hoping if I do enough for other people then maybe, eventually my needs will be met too. But this won't happen, these emotions I bury come back.
I have come to the conclusion lately that my wants and needs come first. I'm sick of other people expecting me to run round after them, it only leads one way...down. I think this is a by product of low self esteem, trying to gauge yourself as a person by what other people tell you they see. Instead of saying yeah I've done this and I'm proud of myself for it.
Change comes when we say to ourselves, I no longer except other peoples opinions, okay I'll consider them but they won't define the world for me. If I'm depressed then I'm going to deal with it myself. If you can't be there for me when I need you then expect the same response from me. Instead of wondering if you are good enough ask yourself if other people are good enough for your attention? my favorite quote at the moment has to be Marlyn Monroe " If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!" I think this sums it up quite well. Sometimes I sit there so concerned that nobody wants to help me. I forget to pick myself up, dust myself off and crack on. Depression is the exact opposite of happiness in so many respects so if we accept depression are we letting go of happiness, I don't know?
I don't know if anything I've written is productive for you. I feel really reluctant to press the post button, that's for sure. I feel more encouraged to press the backspace button to be honest. What I do know though is I have been offered the most supportive words in this place over the last few days and weeks. It's the only place I felt I could open up and when I was done posting I felt like running away and not coming back. But I have be offered kind words of support from people who are going through the same as me, probably worse and they have offered me a hand in friendship when I needed it most and life will probably make me forget to return the favor at times. But if we all are there for each other then maybe that's the start we need to get back on our feet.
(I didn't realize you had posted this when I wrote this. Hope you find something constructive in this!)
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my therapist is psycho dynamic therapy. becuse it is therapy the point is it is process not somewhere to run to. my mum shd know this
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Thank you for you very thought provoking post CaptK. Many times, I have doubtfully hovered over that send button. This is the beauty of the Forum. None of us are Guru’s; however, we each have a wealth of experience to share. To me, my time on the Forum is almost like a personal journey. I always liken it to group therapy online; it certainly makes up similar dynamics.
You were actually the second person today to say exactly the same, almost word for word; we should no longer accept the opinion of others. AND Instead of wondering if you are good enough, ask if other people are good enough for my attention. This certainly rings very true and I will be taking it on-board.
I do not think we are letting go of happiness by accepting our depression. For me, following 20 year suffering various bouts of depression, it’s about marrying the two. It’s about accepting the depression and welcoming the happiness. My approach to depression is never to fight against it. When it comes, there is not a lot I can do about it. I wouldn’t say I lay down to it, because I struggle to be as daily active as I usually am. I think it’s more about resignation.
In the little book “The Prophet†by Kahlil Gibran, he says, “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked…. they are inseparableâ€.
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Cat I can totally understand,
I rarely see any of my family, and to be honest I've got to the stage where it's just too much effort. I never fitted in with my younger siblings, my mother never knew what to make of me and my father tyrannically helped a sensitive young me lose what little self-believe, esteem and self worth I had long before I hit double figures. It's been five years since my father died, and I'm lucky if I see any of my family more than once or twice a year, even then it feels awkward. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear or lose contact completely.
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i don't know what to do with my family. i try to stay in touch with the young ones - they need us and it is not their fault.
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Tonight I am suffering the full effects of an emotional rollercoaster ride and need to have a good old rant. A situation with my mother has sent me reeling with all sorts of memories and emotions. I exhausted myself offloading in an email to a friend, but then deleted it.
My Mum wanted to come to London with friends for a weekend in April, but ONLY if I spend all day Saturday in Central London with her. No thought for my own disability, no thought to the fact I struggle to get through my day as it is, without having this “outing†hanging over my head. No thought to my agoraphobia, she probably forgets I suffer from it.
My Agoraphobia is crippling. I freak out in central London. For 13 years, I have not left my home for more than 2 hrs. Once or twice it was 3 hours. I have difficulty concentrating if I am with someone for more than 1-2 hours. My inside starts to scream out, all I want to do is run away and be somewhere on my own. How could I possibly bear spending a full day with her? Huh, on a Saturday of all days
However, the bottom line - and this sounds awful - but I have no interest in spending time ANYWHERE with her. I don’t know why, I’ve usually been too guilty to admit that. We were estranged for 6 years. It’s only in this last year when we have been periodically in touch by text. We never speak on the phone. I avoid them as much as possible. I gave up trying to get along with them. I gave up trying to please them. I gave up trying to be the person they expect. I gave up trying to do the things they want.
When I gave up trying to do all these things to please them, I found there was nothing left of the relationship, just a gaping black hole where I once ran around trying to please them. The still wait for me to fill that hole, but that will never happen.
Needless to say, the entire upset has been fraught with PD emotion. My whole night has been focussed on it when it should be focussing on my own recovery. Agreeing to meet up under these circumstances would have brought my mood crashing to the floor. Mum won't understand that, but I'm beyond beating myself up for a situation I cannot help.
I need to crash now, take a sleeping tab and things will look different in the morning.
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Sorry to hear about this Catb, hopefully you feel better tomorrow.
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Oh Cat you poor thing. Why oh why will people not understand. I would not cope with that either. Will pm you when I get back from walking the dogs (((( hugs )))).
S x x x x
Sent from my BlackBerry 9300 using Tapatalk
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I feel a lot better this morning, thanks. It's so upetting to have such a bad relationship with my own mother. However, I must always remember she creates her own relationships with her children... this one didn't develop very well.
I hope everyone is having the same bright sunshine as London. I am just about to go out with the dog and do a couple of bits and pieces.
Wishing everyone a good day