Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: Catbrian on January 10, 2013, 12:00:48 PM
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Hi everyone
I haven't been on the Forum recently, but I still think of everyone and hope things are holding together.
I think I've just been needing a little time on my own. My Christmas downer was one of the worst, maybe I'm just a little shell-shocked, I dunno. But, I hope this is the beginning of my return.
Peace!
Cat xx
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Nice to see you back. How are you feeling?
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Sorry to hear you've been struggling. I've been the same. Take care and look after yourself
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%^%
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+-_ Good to hear from you. Sorry to hassle you so soon, but I was wondering if your plan to get a car on the road was still there, and if your redecorating is finished. I only ask because you will probably remember just how hyperactive I am! I've managed to feed Chloe and make myself a sandwich today! =+- Best wishes. Michael.
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Thanks for the replies.
Yes, Michael, I have sort of come to the end of decorating the living room. There's problems with a damp external wall. It will need completely stripped, new wallpaper and more paint, but not until I'm feeling better. I haven't got round to organising a car, as my driving licence documents have gone missing in the post. It will take another 3-4wks before that's sorted.
Recently, the spiritual side of me is having a positive time but the practical and mental are all over the place. I haven't been "right" since Oct/Nov. Christmas, as everyone knows, was a living nightmare. While I slowly made a recovery, my spirit was left feeling flat and exhausted and that's where I seem to be stuck. I can't be bothered with much and I'm as fragile as a china doll.
At first I felt relief for the flatness of mood, anything but depression. However, the constant apathy is naturally beginning to drag me down and I need to try fight my way on top again. I believe more guidelines around a new structure to the day, is the best way forward. It's the only way that will make a difference, but the self-discipline it requires could be beyond me.
I'm trying to read "Shoot the Damn Dog", but only managing a few pages at bedtime. It really needs more concentration to absorb, even practice, any suggestions the author might make. Of course, it speaks volumes to any depressive and I do highly recommend. The first quote I made a note of
"If we connect with even one other human being who truly understands, we take one step out of the illness. Life is about connection. There is nothing else. Depression is the opposite; it is an illness defined by alienation
This struck me as very true of my own experiences in the Forum. Connecting and supporting can feel one step closer to some kind of recovery. So, it's no surprise that I have been feeling confusion as to why I've been alienating myself from the Forum, which is one of the main sources of my support.
I suppose everything requires a little more effort right now and I need to push forward....
Time for some dinner and in the words of Arny, "I'll be back"...
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Huge big %^% Cat.
X x x x
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Many thanks Shaz
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Sounds like you need to give yourself credit for what you are managing to do. You are reading that book - it might just take a little longer than before, but you may need things to move slower at the moment. And you are managing to make yourself some dinner. These may seem like small achievements in the grand scheme of things but when apathy & depression sets in, they require ALOT of effort & so should be congratulated. (I could do with listening to my own advice!)
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Yes, wallow, we should all listen to our own advice.
What you say is very true, but I've been stuck on this level of apathy for too long. I always function with the day-to-day things like shopping (on the good days), cooking, cleaning and caring for the two elderly cats and a Jack Russell. But, I need to move it up a notch, try take on a little bit more things that will gradually lead me back to having some kind of normal life.
It's been good to spend time on the Forum. Tomorrow I'm about to embark on a new structure to the day, give me more time to do things I'm putting off for no other reason than apathy.
I feel I'm at a crossroads with my depression/life. I'm on a mission to learn how to let go of the things from the past and to build an entirely different future. It's something that will take me X amount of time to achieve, but as long as I see myself working towards that, I will feel more content.
Letting go of the things from the past isn't as easy as it sounds. Sometimes I feel those memories, as painful as they are, are like old familiar friends who are difficult to shake. These memories serve no purpose for today, they're entirely pointless. So why do we find them so difficult to let go?
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I am the same with memories from the past. I guess there is some comfort in familiarity even if it is painful. It reminds me of a quote i wrote down recently (cant remember where from.) "Letting go is not getting rid of, letting go is letting be." (Easier said than done!)
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Hey wallow, I love that quote. It actually speaks volumes to me today because I've always been completely lost with the whole concept of "letting go" and how that can be at all possible as long as we have our memory. If letting go is actually letting things be, then I'm already half way there. Mmmm %$£ very thought provoking!
Today's been slightly off balance due to being awake at a ridiculously early hour. I must have had 2-3hrs sleep. I don't deal with tiredness too well, so had a very sound afternoon nap. Trouble with trying to read "Shoot....Dog" is I either completely forget what the previous pages contain, or it's a struggle to stay awake. Falling asleep either sitting in the chair or sitting up in bed is the worst thing for a back problem, the pain has attacked my legs all day long, but at least I'm not depressed!
My mood's reasonably okay but the fragility titters on the edge of depression, one little nudge or a silly wrong word could plunge me over the edge. That terrifies me. I am at a crossroads. The medication isn't working, my current reclusive lifestyle is beginning to feel alien and unacceptable. There's a lot of talk around me about spirituality and Mindfulness, as well as meditation. These are all things I feel "a calling" to apply to my own life.
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Have faith you will find a way forward Cat, dont forget 'a journey of a thousand miles starts with one step' and 'to travel hopefully is better than to arrive' - the steps those of us that are depressed seem to take a lot more effort and our steps may have to be much smaller but we can get there
Z xxx
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That's very true Zaf, those tiny steps can take enormous effort.
Today, I'm still feeling JUST okay, sort of remaining on the edge between good and horrendous. I think January can be one of the worst months for depressives, the cold damp air and dark nights can feel relentless
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%^% Cat, the weather really doesn't help. I feel I want to hibernate this time of the year.
S x x x x
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Me too, trying to get about in nearly calf deep snow is no fun :(
Z xxx
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The snow has fallen all day in London but there’s not much left to show for it now. I do love it!
Until I came onto these pages tonight, I had almost forgotten that life had been feeling so very bad lately. It has made me realise that I am the opposite of what the Christmas experience was. I am no longer sitting on the fence, tittering between well-being and despair. How long it will last, is anyone's guess, but, for a change, I will enjoy the present without worrying when my whole world might crash in on me.
The recent depression is one of the worst experiences I have ever had. It made me realise a lot and brought me back to something that has always meant a great deal to me over the years, my faith in God and my spirituality.
I came to this Forum about a year ago with the biggest issue of not wanting to get any better, not if it meant re-joining life and making new friends. My spirit had been facing destruction for years, by an existence that seen its fair share of suffering (most of it self-inflicted). There was no future, no wishes or ambition. Sometimes I really did hope for death, a couple of times I almost ended it.
Apparently, we go through major changes every 5 to 7 years, in our appearance and our outlook on life; I seem to follow a 7-year cycle. This year I feel on the threshold of major change. I am beginning to feel frustration for not doing enough. There are ideas flowing through my brain about various writing courses and projects I would like to see myself embark on.
In ‘Shoot….Dog’ I can relate to almost everything the Author writes and found particular comfort in her comparisons between the depressive-self and the well-self. Like her, I often find it hard to believe I was once capable of management positions when, at times, I can barely manage my own affairs.
The author doesn’t talk in terms of recovering from depression, rather that the depression is in remission. Whatever, she did manage to get her life back under control and return to those responsible positions. Overall, it helps to solidify my new-found hopes and ambitions for the future.
I never thought I would hear myself say/write those words. Only a few days ago I was wondering if that heavy depression would ever lift.... let's hope it has.
I'm off to make some bedtime supper; toast with spread cheese and tea with a dose of telly.
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It's really good to hear you sounding so positive. +-_ I have mentioned before that I see you as a beacon of hope, as you often seem to have had problems similar to the way I have interpreted my problems, only you have made what seem to me to be massive strides towards dealing with life. This time I must start trying myself, rather than expecting your light at the end of the tunnel to be transferred to me by some type of osmosis. Thank you for all your encouragement and your brave example. I hope that I can join you in the sunlight some day. Best wishes. Michael.
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Thats really good to hear Cat =+-
I'm sure you'll find that elusive light at the end of the tunnel soon Michael %^%
Z xxx
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Michael, I don't know how long you have been suffering depression, but please remember that it has taken me 13 yrs to reach where I am today. I have every faith you will reach that stage sometime in the future. I am touched that you find my experience an encouragement in your own.
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That's so good to hear Cat. I also have the book you are reading, I also totally emphasized with what she was saying.
Michael, I have been very bad several times and never thought I would recover, but I did. I do not think I will ever be fully recovered, as its always there, the fear of being bad again. But I can enjoy my life again.
S x x x x
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Another good day for my mood. Been busy with this and that, feeling enthusiastic and hoping for a better future.
I have an appointment with the CPN here in my flat at 9.30am. I always feel our meetings go on a little too long, last one was well over 2 hrs. She did finally notice my eyes glazing over. I cannot spend too long in people's company, my brain starts to frazzle, it can almost feel like I am suffocating. I hope this is something that will change with time.
It was snowing all day in London, the temp is dropping with, hopefully, more snow on the way!
Time for some super and then bed
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Glad you're more positive Catb $%$
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The meeting with the CPN went okay. We are getting to know one another gradually but I'm not sure I would discuss personal issues with her. I see her more as a support in all the practical affairs and in getting to grips with my MH. By that I mean, referring me for therapy and support groups, etc. I’m afraid I do not get along very well with “practical businessâ€, as most of it means external/in the community/re-joining life sort of stuff and I am usually left feeling irritable, sometimes very depressed. Today was no exception for the irritability but, so far, I have managed to keep the depression from hitting the floor.
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I think you have to have a really good rapport with someone before you can discuss personal things. Its good that she can help with the practical side of things. %^% For you.
S x x x x