Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: Catbrian on December 29, 2012, 11:58:44 AM
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I haven't been around the Forum much this last fortnight because I'm daily fighting depression and loosing, big time. I'm absolutely sick of feeling like this, life doesn't feel worth living when I don't know how I will be from one day to the next. I feel so very much alone and unsupported.
Christmas day was a nightmare. I had been trying to decorate the living room but the health issues meant I couldn't complete in time. I woke to the flat in an upheaval, newspapers on the window and all I wanted to do was die. I was more furious with myself for putting myself in such a depressing situation for Christmas day. By Boxing day, I was so depressed, I made a promise not to go to bed until the whole ruddy painting was done. I eventually finished at 4am.
Needless to say, I've been struggling with exhaustion as well as depression. Facing the day without motivation is torture, but there's nothing else for it. If the animals are to be fed then I need to go shopping. This afternoon, a walk with Jack might help blow the cob webs away
I hope everyone is doing better than me...
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Being in a mess depresses me too Cat, and when you said you were starting to decorate so near to Christmas I was concerned you had taken on too much in a short space of time and to make matters worse you had a self imposed deadline.
I think you need to be gentle with yourself now and take things easy if you can, I dont think the weather is helping a lot of us right now either.
Z xxx
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I'm so sorry to hear you arent feeling great catb. You have been such a help to me with your thoughtful & understanding posts. You have made me feel like i'm not alone during some pretty desperate times. I'm feeling pretty lost at the moment & we are just about to head off to the lake district which i am petrified about. All my husband's family will be staying in a house with us & i find it so difficult being with people at the mo, it is going to be very hard. I feel like i'm leaving behind everything i consider safe. I've alsi started self harming again. Hopefully we will all feel better when the new year is over & things get back to being a little more stable. Hope you are feeling a bit better today catb.
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Oops sorry, didnt realize you'd just written this today. Hope tomorrow is better for you then.
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Great big %^% for you Cat. I have been concerned that you haven't been posting. I am so sorry you have been so down, this illness is truly awful.
Hope you manage to blow them cob webs away when you walk Jack.
Much love Sharon x x x x
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%^%
Thinking of you.
I think it's easy to challenge ourselves (everyone keeps telling us to.), its about knowing our limitations.
My house is upside down, it has been for months. My carpets are growing fur.
It's got into that much of a state I don't know where to begin. I'm just trying to chip into things slowly.
My CBT always says to do a small task like fill the dishwasher, then go do something for you, then another small chore or task.
It is frustrating when you are used to doing more.
I can empathise with being up and down - only on Thursday was I downing sleeping tablets to escape the way I was feeling.
You know we are all here, and understand x
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Hi Cat, sorry to hear you had such a bad time, as has been said, a walk with jack could help,
the weather is making things worse as well, if you can, try to sit back and relax just a little. easier said than done i know.
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Thanks everyone for your very thoughtful replies, they do bring a great deal of comfort at such a low point.
Yes, I'm furious for pushing myself way beyond any sensible limit. Throwing myself out of balance at such a sensitive time of year was definitely foolish
I had to get through a lot today and it doesn't do my mood any favours. However, I got through most of it and now about to have a bite to eat. I have a new kindle and bought the book "Shoot the Damn Dog" that someone recommended recently. I might stay off line tonight and have an early night with the book
Once again, many thanks guys
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Hope things improve for you Cat %^%
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Don't be angry with yourself, we all push too hard sometimes.
Take note, and take some time for yourself. Whatever makes you feel good, be it a bath, a good book or a mound of chocolate.
I bought the kindle a few months before the new one came out! I haven't been in the frame of mind to read but love a good crime fiction novel. I haven't heard of 'Shoot The Damn Dog', let me know what you think of it.
Hope you get a good nights sleep and things look a little brighter in the morning x
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Yes me too, hope you can get on top of things a bit easier after the hols Cat. x
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%^% Cat. I have read the book, I found it to be very good.
You take care
S x x x x
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Yes i have read it too. It's really good but quite depressing in parts. I found it comforting reading about someone elses emotional hell i guess. I could hardly put it down at first just because it struck so many chords with how i was feeling. I am only just coming to terms with the fact i have depression & so i'm still quite amazed to hear about other people feeling this way. I'll be interested to know what you think of it cat.
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Curiosity got the better of me and I've bought this. Nearly in tears and only on the second chapter. I've had to stop as my anxiety is hitting the roof.
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I can't read books on depression etc, they get to me a bit as well.
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Hi everyone. this kindle fire is amazing, it eventually allows me to connect to forum. I've just started reading the book but I'm not able to concentrate. enjoying chilling on top of bed listening to radio and playing with my new toy. the book looks good, easy to read and all too close to home.
thanks for the posts, they have helped ease that feeling of isolation. hopefully tomorrow will feel a little better.These past weeks have got progressively worse and im left wondering what the check is happening with all this medication I'm taking every day,make s me question why I bother.
apologies for the messy typing but the keyboard on kindle is extremely small.
Time to get this head on the pillow.
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Glad you're enjoying your new toy.
Try the keyboard on an iPhone !
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Sleep well cat %^%
Z xx
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Hi Cat,
I was feeling exactly the same as you on Christmas Day. On Christmas Eve I was dreadfully depressed and could not get to sleep. Finally I managed to get to bed at 3am in the morning, but this left me tired and feeling very down when I was supposed to be seeing my family.
Somehow I managed to have the energy to see them, but it really was hard trying to smile. I just wanted to cry when I was opening the presents, is that normal? Hopefully this is just SAD and I will feel better when the nights get lighter.
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Leo, I also became captivated by the book; everything is so very easy to relate too. I couldn't read too much last night, but hope to get a bit more in today
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Aspirer, many a Christmas day with family was ruined due to my depression. I've always felt worse because we are obliged to be having fun, but I've never been very good at putting on a brave face.
Today feels bleak and I really don't know why I'm still so very low. I have this gut wrenching depression holding me down and it's difficult to imagine pulling myself back on top again.
Physically, I'm feeling fresher due to a very sound 12hr sleep. Someone rightfully said, accepting a mistake was made and moving on is the best way forward. It's difficult not to feel disappointed in myself when I'm still largely paying the price, but they are right, moving forward by learning from it, is the way to go.
I'm about to walk Jack along the river Thames, blow some more cob webs....
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Hope you have a super walk. Xxx
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Its good to hear you've ad a good nights sleep Cat, I hope your walk helps %^%
Try to remember you have felt better and its possible to feel that way again, I know it probably sounds a bit odd to say not to struggle too much against it at this stage, but you need to allow some healing and re-energising to take place first
Z xxx
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I plan to get back into the book as a reward for my walk with the dogs. It's typical Scottish weather here - rain.
That's great you had such a good sleep, you were clearly needing it.
My CBT tries to get me to look at my achievements instead of what I didn't do, no matter how small. Take each day as it comes and applaud yourself for any tasks you manage during the day. From getting out of bed and dressed to a walk with the dog or making yourself something nice to eat or drink.
I also find looking ahead to recovery brings me down, feels so far away. I try to concentrate on here and now, I find it helps.
Hope you enjoy your walk x
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I really feel very grateful for everyone's replies. I do feel very supported
It's very odd when we feel this low it's difficult to see ourself feeling any differently again. But, the feedback and words of encouragement remind me this is possible. It's blind faith.
The walk did little for my mood but did make me feel even more exhausted. I'm about to have dinner and spend the evening in the arm chair, with another early night.
Leo, the CBT sounds good, I should consider it more in the new year. I am also planning a read at the book tonight. Such familiar and insightful words can only be an encouragement
Hopefully tomorrow will feel less depressed
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How are you feeling today Catb?
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Hope you're feeling better today. I have also been worrying about you due to the decorating. Whenever Rick suggests doing any near Christmas he gets threatened :emb: as I can't stand unfinished decorating / mess on Christmas Day. The day is stressful enough for me as I know I will end up doing everything on the day. Fortunately soon after we moved into our bungalow a group of friends offered to help so the decorating throughout got done on three consecutive Monday evenings with the friends helping to tidy up.
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Thank you, Leo, for asking because I came online to share some better news. Today has been a steady climb upwards. I did feel physically better, although still very much exhausted. As the day went on, my mood began to improve. When I get a bit tearful, it's a sure sign things are on the up. And, this being Hogmanay, I'm always a bit tearful anyway.
I cannot face doing anything tonight but the Glaswegian blood feels I'm letting the side down. But, I can't face being all smiley and happy. I've shed a few tears throughout the day. This past year contains some of the best and worst moments in what I call 'my recovery'. I suppose before this year, recovery didn't exist beyond hopeless depression.
The downer I've just been on was one of the worst and because the flat was in such disarray, I had no sanctuary to retreat too, just a cold empty shell with windows blackened out by newspapers. Even up until today, the flat had lots of clutter in corners and everywhere needed dusted and hovered. All the clutter was shoved in every last corner of cupboard space. My flat depicts my life; clean and tidy on the outside but a whole dirty mess underneath
I've now cracked open an ice cold can of cider, it's the first in a very long time but is very refreshing. I've changed radio channel to Scottish, as it's not Hogmanay until I hear the Bag Pipes.
The isolation at this time of year is very potent. I plan to stay on the Forum to ease that.
Lastly, thank you all so very much again for the support and attentiveness, I really would have found that bout a whole lot more difficult without this contact. Here's hoping I continue on the up
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Glad to hear you are feeling better & the flat is back in order. Glad too that you are enjoying a cider. I have had a ginger beer & a cider & feel like drinking a lot more but think i am going to be sensible & leave it at that. Here's hoping 2013 is better than 2012. Xx
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That's good to hear Catb. It takes a little while to recover from a bad bout.
At my age I should be out celebrating. My night consisted of a walk at 11.30pm with the dogs. It took me all day to motivate myself, followed by tv.
I agree this forum is a godsend, I don't know where I would be without it.
Hoping 2013 is a better year for everyone. Xx
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Just to officially let everyone know that my recent plunge into the depths of depression has almost completely gone. The last 2days seen a steady climb, made all the more easier by knowing I had the kind thoughts and support from people here on the Forum, it really made all the difference, especially on the days when I could barely string thoughts or words together; only a few basic written words on here and everyone knew exactly the position I was in.
It's all good and well coming up with planning strategies for dealing with these "blips", do a, b, or c. But, whenever the black cloud engulfs my world, I don't give a second thought to a, b, or c. It seems most of my usual common senses are temporarily disabled and all I can see is the blackness.
Over the last few days, I've realised that I would love to WANT to re-join life/society again. My trouble is that I don't want to join in with life and make new friendships and possibly embark on more personal relationships. I prefer to hide deep inside my cave, making friends, giving and receiving support from people online. Today, when walking the dog, I had this vision of life passing me by at an enormous speed. I found myself wondering what I would do if this day was to be my last. I'm so very aware of many wasted years and lost opportunities; I can see possible avenues in the near future that will bring great practical changes in my life. But, I need to work on what is blocking my senses from really WANTING to strive for all that change and improvement. You've got to really want to do something before you have any hope of achievement..... this could well be my first major challenge for 2013.
I have other plans for a new 2013 start, buzzing around inside my head, which I'll talk about in another post. As many have experienced, sometimes getting it all out on paper helps sort it out in our heads
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this is freat news Cat, a new year has started to help you rebuild a life for yourself.
realising that you want to rejoin society again is a big step, and I can understand your concerns about building new friendships and maybe a more personal relationship.
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That's a big step Cat, is there an opportunity for you to be able to talk it all through with someone? It sound that you really need someone who is good at helping you understand your own thoughts without adding to them. My PGCE course manager is excellent at this, hopefully you'll be able to find someone.
In my experience a lot of the time it's us being scared to expose our inner selves to society, a fear of rejection or being hurt. So in an act of self preservation we tell ourselves that we're fine as we are & we don't need these things until one day the truth hits us.
Xxx
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Why is it people around you just don't get how you feel. even when you tell the people close to you, they say sorry it will get better, and then just forget all about it, as if it never happened, that alone makes me feel more low.
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Purple - I think it's just that. People don't understand or are frightened to get involved.
I appreciate everyone on this forum, they never tell you to pull yourself together. X
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This also infuriates me as I'm sure it does most people suffering mental illness. It's an illness that can't be seen and is easily interpreted as "just being a little bit fed up". I think most people have experience of minor depression when a relationship goes wrong or some other disaster strikes their life. People wrongly assume that all depression is the same down in the dumps phase that we all get over. They are fortunately blessed not to know the full extent of our darker times.
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Yes, thanks for everyone's posts. I would add, I'm still at the stage where I don't want to re-join life/society but rather I want to want to (lol) I know that sounds double dutch. I mean, I want to be in the position when I once again have a passion for life, for friendships and even relationships. Right now, I don't want these things in my life. I'm still very much hiding in my cave dealing with very serious issues surrounding Agoraphobia, which is largely underestimated and an extremely debilitating condition. But, what is changing is that I realise this is something I need to work on. I dunno, maybe it's about practising things, like pushing myself to go out more, maybe signing up for a college class or going on one of the MHT courses. My plans to put a car back on the road would support me in those challenges. If it starts to go horribly wrong, I can dash back to the car, lock myself indoors and hide under the blanket!! Sounds a bit far fetched but I remember doing just that a few years ago. I always lock the car door when I'm inside in case anyone attacks me. Do other people do this?
The weeks leading up to Christmas, I was on a rocky road and, as always, I withdraw from the very few things that I allow into my life. I wouldn't meet or, at one time, wouldn't even answer the phone to my Care-Coordinator from the CMHT. As we all know, that all came to a head over Christmas but, thank God, I'm pretty much back to my normal, blethering away $%$
Anyway, New Year, new beginnings...
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This also infuriates me as I'm sure it does most people suffering mental illness. It's an illness that can't be seen and is easily interpreted as "just being a little bit fed up". I think most people have experience of minor depression when a relationship goes wrong or some other disaster strikes their life. People wrongly assume that all depression is the same down in the dumps phase that we all get over. They are fortunately blessed not to know the full extent of our darker times.
So true Cat, as Ive said before, the only people that truly understand depression are those who have experienced it themselves
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I lock my car doors at night Cat. Heard too many horror stories of young women drivers.
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And so, it's back to "normality" after the festivities. It was time to start calling council officials about some outstanding repairs and dampness, I needed to find my Driving Licence so that I can organise my car, but it's lost in the post, somehow, by DVLA. The NHS Debt Recovery are still breathing down my neck about the money they want for my Dental Treatment, but I need a welfare officer to guide me through that. They can't seem to understand that there is no money to pay them with. Apparently I need to claim the money from the NHS, to pay the NHS. But, I've been too depressed to be bothered. However, the coming months need to see me deal with these very long outstanding issues that I've procrastinated over for way too long, putting them off further aggravates my chance of everlasting harmony.
Tonight I'm absolutely shattered. I was up through the night throwing up. Feel ok today, if a little fragile. So, the plan is to now log off and go for an early night
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%^% hope you sleep well Cat.
S x x x x
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thanks for that leo x
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I hope you find the forums of use to you purple. I find it helps being among people who know what it likes, can advise what has helped them and don't judge you. X
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Hope things are ok Catb.