Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: anon on November 06, 2012, 02:29:14 AM
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this is my first post and im in desperate need of advise please. i guess i don't really know were else to turn, and im kind of hoping somebody who can relate to my problem.
i don't know where to begin so ill just say it. in short, for 8 years my life just seems to get worse and im not sure how much more i can take.it started when i always found it impossible to make friends or generally be in any social situation without thinking people thinking im a freak, or that i was somehow making a fool of myself or that everyone hates me. i cant converse in any situation and every single time i try,the awkwardness present is unbearable. because iv this, i stopped socialising, leaving the house and generally became a recluse. when i do have to leave the house its a distressing experience. no matter how much i tell myself that it isn't happening, i get an uncontrollable feeling that everybody is staring at me, talking about and laughing at me. the laughing thing is the worst, iv always been self concious about my appearance because i know im an ugly guy and i get the same comments on my appearance all the time. gradually things got worse, and im now at a stage where i simply can not talk to my own family, even my mother (who i live with) the feelings of awkwardness and humiliation for want of a better word is always present. at 25 i still live at home, im unable to keep a job because i can not be around new people without going into paranoid overdrive, and i have not a single friend to talk to . after going to my gp, he put me on AD which made me feel worse inside, and sent me to a councillor but again after two sessions i couldn't handle it any more, it just felt too personal and unnerving. i have never been close to my family so i don't feel like they would understand and i try to hide it by spending all day in front of my computer away from everybody. the only relationship iv ever had was a disaster,as she said i always made her feel awkward and that it freaked her out. i decided to tell her about this, so maybe she could try and understand and work through it. but she 'couldn't deal with the baggage' :\
so now im in the darkest place iv ever been.iv come close to committing suicide only once before, but now its almost beyond that. im a grown man that cries every night and i cant cope any more i have no one to talk to. i cant bring myself to meet new people. iv failed at education and everything iv tried. i really don't see a future in this and i just don't know how to get through it.
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reading your post was like reading a part of my life story which to an extent is still going on today.
You are low on self confidence as am I, you have built up your own wall and have not let anyone in because you are afraid of more rejection in your life which I can completely relate to.
Changing your life at first is really hard, how long where you on AD are you still on them?, I know when I first took AD it made me feel worse as well, after a while it went away but its a small sacrifice to stick with them through the bad period to get you to the good period.
AD will not cure everything its not a magic wand (i wish it was) but the truth be told until you open up and accept that you need to get help and stick with it will hopefully try and make yourself feel better, at the end of the day how worse can it get ? you already have hit rock bottom when coming close to suicide so what do you have to loose to accept help in your life no matter how much a struggle it may be.
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thank you for your reply, just knowing somebody out there can relate is a comforting thought.
i was on AD from feb this year up until july, i found taking them just made me think about it more and more and i became more reclusive then before. after surviving when i did try to take my life with a pill overdose, the only feeling i had was disappointment that id failed. since then iv thought about it over and over, but the place im in now feels so much darker. all i crave is a friend but its never, and feels like its never going to happen. i just really dont know what to do anymore
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We're here for you anon xx
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have you considered going back to see your GP anon? A lot of those symptoms and feelings sound very like depression and a different medication might suit you better
Z xxx
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i have considered it, i can just never bring myself to do it. last time it took me a lot of fighting with myself but now is worse. i got the impression i was wasting his time, he wasnt very sympathetic or understanding. but i also feel that i may have held back a bit in what i told him because of the problem. at the moment the only thing i could think of is to print out my original post and show him that but its hard enough just going there :(