Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: junior on August 08, 2010, 01:07:54 AM
-
im really low right now, for the past 6 months i have been thinking about suicide :'(
not sure if i can say that on this forum, sorry if i cant.
ive spent most of the night looking for pain free ways to do it.
i dont have anything left in my life now and if it wasn't for the fact there are two other people here with me right now i dont think i would be wrighting this.
i have no one to talk to even the people i i know i haven't told how im feeling, i think some of them might have worked out that im low.
-
You've done the right thing being honest and it sounds like you have hit rock bottom. Please, please see your doctor and be honest with him or her.
-
thank you but im not sure i want help, everyone knows theres something wrong and keep asking what it is, i tell them that i just need some sleep, its not really a lie as im lucky if i sleep for over an hour a night,i spend most of the night thinking and just cant sleep, how do you tell someone you love that you feel dead inside and having the thoughts that i do? i dont want to say how i feel as i dont want to hurt anyone but i hate lieing as thats just not me.
-
I havent posted much on here due to talking on another forum, i am really struggling now.
I have been taking an over dose for the last three night not enough to end my life but enough to hurt me.
I cant take anymore now im physically and mentally exhausted, the pain never ends i hurt when im awake and the few hours sleep i get i dream about all the hurt inside me.
I think about not wanting life anymore and how much i want to end it and i feel calm and relaxed about the thuoghts i have, i dont know how to explain it, i just want it all to end.
Junior
-
Hey Junior,
Your post really concerns me and I really do understand how you feel. I got all my anti depressants out and a bottle of wine for a few nights in a row and it was only on the fourth time that I realised I had done this before! That was when I realised I needed help!!!! I emailed the samaritans and somehow I got through. The fact that you have done this for the past three nights is worrying but take from it that you have always had the power to stop yourself before it got too far. This MUST mean something!
I'm having an ok day today and so can see things with a little more perspective but I really have been where you are now and ended up with a really bad stomach due to overdosing just enough to feel pain.
I'm here if you need to talk!
Abztract! +=-
-
I was taking them to numb myself at first but knowing that they could cause organ problems in a bigger dose.
They did numb everything and helped me sleep a little the first two times, but the third was just pain.
I just want everything to stop but it just gets harder everyday, i wake up and cry, i go to bed and cry myself to sleep, i have started taking the pills in the day now so i can try and ease just a small amount of the hurt but nothing works.
Junior
-
Junior,
I don't want to sound like some kind of therapist, because I'm not, but have you thought about what it is that's causing you so much hurt? I think it will always be a struggle to cope until we face up to the things that are bothering us and making us feel this way (for those of us who can pinpoint a particular reason or issue).
I understand why you are taking the pills and why you think they will help, but at the end of the day the effect of the pills will wear off eventually and you'll still be feeling the same pain that you were to begin with. Perhaps trying to understand the way you feel, talking to a member on the forum or a friend or family member about what's going on would help you?
I know for me, I've started feeling more optimistic since I admitted to myself that I have issues that have to be dealt with. I have so many issues that I always thought I had taken care of, but it has become quite apparent to me in recent weeks that all I ever did was try not to think about them and bury them away, try to make myself believe that things didn't happen. I completely disassociated myself from my past so that even when I did think about it I didn't feel any pain anymore...Memories of my life for the past 8 years feel like I'm watching a TV show, it just doesn't feel like me.
But recently I have realised this and since I have decided to try to work on it, I can feel a little bit of optimism creeping back into my life and I can see that when I start to deal with my issues that there is a way out of this woeful existence.
I hope you too can find some optimism and somehow understand that you are too precious to not be in the world anymore. You are strong enough to have resitsted this far, so please, don't give in. You can get yourself back.
-
I dont know all the reasons for my depression but i know things have got worse lately.
I have thought about suicide for a longtime but never get any time to myself.
What do you do when you have given up on life and everything in it and no one cares, i dont leave the house and no one comes round, the very few times i leave the house is just to go to the shop i live in a very small town and need to drive to get anywhere but everytime i get in the car i dont put my seat belt on and dont feel safe.
Junior
-
Hi Junior ........... i am good now (taken a few drinks, so the fog seems to clear a bit, and I can preach, tomorrow I know I'll not practice this) personally I have had the day from hell, been questioned for 35 mins by solicitor regarding a tribuneral. I am all wrung out, but the worse thing is that like yourself on a few occassions i have overdosed ok by a little, we all know what we are doing at unfortunaltly at the time we feel we are right. We are wrong ..... my stomach has grown larger due to this and I feel I can taste the meds, all due to this happening. But my point is today my husband is now aware of this, he couldn't understand that why he couldn't wake me for nearly 18 hours, but I knew and couldn't tell him at the time. However I don't understand why but when I write on this forum I know everyone understands and I am not alone. Please please don't put yourself through this someone will help or ring samaritins. Sometimes I wish more people were more vocal on this site because we can help each other if it is just knowing we are not alone in this illness ................ as a person who have never experienced this illness will never really know. %^& I hope you understand my drivel take care.
-
I fully understand Lightenup,
I know what its like to feel alone when you have people around as no one understands or you just cant be bothered to talk.
I have my kids every morning and dont want them to see me in physical pain and thats why i havent taken anymore but its hard not to,tonight is the fourth time i have taken an overdose and i feel so numb inside now, i know its not going to fix my problems just add to them but ive had enough of everything now.
The forum has helped me go on too and i am thankful for that.
Junior
-
Hi Junior, I've just finished reading your posts and honestly i was nearly in tears. I know how hard it is to find the strength to continue with life, i'm going to be a huge hypocrite and tell you that you do need to talk to somebody, i'm here if you need to speak with somebody, i'm on facebook as Jessica Alcorn, the girl with a chicken on her head. Here is my e-mail adress also ich-liebe-pet-rocks@hotmail.co.uk . Even if you want to talk about the weather, i'll be there. Thank you for your kind reply to my post. Speak to you soon xx :)
-
Thank you for your reply jess, im sorry it hurt you to read my post's, i do pm a few people off this fourm but i feel like im making them feel worse or just adding to their depression.
Im dont talk to anyone about my problems or thoughts because im the type of person that would help other people but dont care about myself, if i could take everyones depression in this world and keep it for myself i would.
Junior
-
I hate the nights they just get harder, i haven't stopped taking the pills im not sure how many nights and days its been but its been a few now, im not sure if they have even had an effect, other than confussion, brusing, muscle pain and tiredness.
louise came here today in alot of pain with her tooth and back and i couldnt help but feel for her, i wanted to help but couldnt,i miss her and i love her but feel sick when i look at her knowing that she is with someone else, i just want my life to be over, i cant take more pain but there isnt an easy way out of life when you have no money or dont go out the house, i go to bed everynight wanting it to be the last time i fall asleep, the amount of pills make it feel like it is but i wake up every morning with tears in my eyes knowing its going to be another painful day.
If life was a job how many people do you think would have quit by now? i know its not the same thing but its how im feeling and just need to say it out loud to someone, my life is over and has been for a long time but now that i have lost the family i love so much i have no reason to stay, everyones life would be perfect without me and it shows as i see and talk to no one and thier lives are fine, my life hasnt been all bad i have had good times too but i will never have them again, im not even sure i do want them again, ive just had enough and cant take anymore.
Sorry if this post has depressed any one of you in any way, i just wanted/needed to say how im feeling to someone other that myself,i lay in bed talking feeling like louise can hear every word i say but knowing she cant it might be the pill or maybe im just going loopy i dont know, i dont care i just want to wake up and all my life had just been a dream, i know its not going to happen but i need to sleep.
Junior
-
Junior,
I just wanted you to know that you have had a positive effect on so many people on this forum, including me (and I've only been a member for the past few days). Your understanding, wisdom and empathy has helped me to see that opening up doesn't have to be as difficult as I make it.
I'm not sure if that changes how you feel about your life or yourself, but I just wanted you to know that even though I don't know you from Adam, you have had more of an effect on me in a few days than most people I know have in a lifetime. So please don't feel worthless -- you are important, and I can guarantee that there are MANY more people in this world who would be devastated if you were no longer in it.
People like you give me hope that not everyone is inherently bad, and that can only be a good thing.
Stay well,
Michibelle x
-
Thank you Michibelle,
Its good to know i can still help people even when i feel the way i do, i hope you continue to feel better about yourself and your life, their are few good honest people in the world today and they all seem to be on here.
Junior
-
Im sat here with enough pills to end it all, i dont drink and haven't for a long time but brought some as it make them work faster or so im told, im all alone and cant go on, i did take alot lastnight but nothing happened other than feeling really tired all night and day, i dont want to be found untill they have the effect i want, im not saying what they are as i dont want to be the one one telling people "how to do it" so to speak, im thankful for all your kind words and sorry i couldnt help everyone.
Junior
-
Junior,
You have been a help to us all. I sincerely hope that you remained the strong person that you have been to date and didn't take the pills because I would be deeply saddened to think that there was one less good soul on this earth.
Please get in touch soon.
Michibelle x
-
Hi Michibelle
I am still here, i did take them but i dont think i took enough as i just feel sick today.
Junior
-
Hi Junior,
I know it may not be a relief for you, but it truly is for me. I really wish that there was something I could do or say to help you. Just please talk to someone about how you're feeling and try to keep strong and stay afloat. You can be happy again.
Michibelle x
-
I did call the samaritans lastnight it felt good to talk about my problems with someone who didnt judge me for what ive did but i still feel the same way about my life and a few hours later i was taking more pills i woke up today and the first thing that was on my mind was and here we go another day of hurt and pain and then came the tears.
Junior
I didnt mean people on here dont understand or were judging me, i just ment talking one to one.
Junior
-
Hi junior -
I know exactly how you feel - i google things like that all the time - well more so lately in the last few months! I've had this 'plan' of how i would do it ever since i was 11 and i've never told anyone not even my doctor can get it out of me. i think its comforting to know that no matter what I've still got my 'plan' and any moment i could end it all but you what i keep telling myself - only one of two things can happen tomorrow - ill wake up and ill know instantly whether its a good day or a bad day but i wont know till i get there - you just have to believe youll get there even if its a good day and you spend it in bed or if its a bad day and you struggle to get through it - tomorrow might be a good day but youll never know till you get there. rite now i have more bad days than anything my life is a daze right now i havent been able to get out of bed for nearly 3 months so your not alone lifes crap and sometimes i wonder if things will ever change but there's one day when you realize you're not just a survivor, you're a fighter, you're tougher than anything life throws in your way.
Its good that you rang the samaritians and it helped - you should of rang them back chances are the second time it would have been someone different - i wouldnt even have the strength to do that - you see your stronger than you think!!!
Bare with it - everything happens for a reason and tomorrow might be better!
Good Luck
;)
-
Hi People,
I have thought about a lot of ways to end my life, pain free ways take a long time and im never alone long enough,
that why i took so many pills because no one knows what i have done, to be honest im not sure how im still here as people have died from just one of the smaller od's i have taken.
When i phoned the samaratins because i wasn't alone in the house at the time and was scared what i could do to myself, the bloke was very helpful and understanding but i dont think anything could change the way i feel about my life.
I dont feel well and i know its my own fault but i dont want to make things worse for myself,i took them to end my life not to make it harder.
Junior
-
Its been a while since my last post in this, I have been to the doctors and was given anti depressants to be taken once a day and diazepam I can take that 3 times a day but I have been taking more, then make me feel nothing which is just as hard as feeling depressed but if I didnt take the pills I wouldnt be able to get past the weekend. Thats where I am right now.
Junior
-
Hi Junior, I've been reading your posts since before I joined. You give such great advice and support to others. I know it's hard to help yourself though. Don't know what else to say, except hang in there. Thinking of you.
bel
-
Thank you bel,
I like to help the best I can but like you said I cant take my own advise no matter how good it might be, I think its because I have gave up on my own life and dont care for or about myself.
Junior
-
I really wish I could talk to louise right now and tell her just how much I miss and love her. Im sat here in a room full of people holding in the tears and wrighting this on my mobile phone. Everything I see or hear reminds me of the love we had together, im more that lost more than just broken without my family they were and still are everything to me, everytime I felt low just a simple hug and smile from louise made all the pain go away. Ive been taking diazepam and I think its wore off now so I can feel again, everything that I ever loved and wanted has gone and im left with guilt pain and regrets, I have my life and dont want to keep going with out my family I dont have the strenght to do it either.
For now I have the diazepam to numb these thought so I think I will take another one now. I dont have many left and cant get anymore as the doctor said I need to wait until the 30th of this month because I might just overdose on them and shes right I know I would, for now I have enough to just ease the pains. Thank you for reading my post.
Junior
-
I only have 2 diazepam left now, if I had more Parcetamol I would try to end it all again right now, I really cant cope much longer ive had enough of everything and myself.
Junior
-
Please don't give up.
-
Hi bel, hope you are well.
I have taken my diazepam and its eased my thoughts slightly.
Last night I rolled over and tried to put my arm around louise but as you all know she wasnt there the only thing I found was all my feelings flooding back.
Im not in a good way at all right now and just want all the thoughts and pain to stop, but I dont think it will, how do I stop wanting and missing the only things I ever wanted and loved, the pain is just too much and now I have no diazepam left to help.
Junior
-
Junior, I'm so, so sorry to hear you feel so crappy. bel is right, you've been there for others, your posts cheered me up on that thread.
Please don't give up. Talk to the Samaritans again if you need to.
I'm glad you went to the doctor, you can go back if you're still not OK, or you can always go to a walk-in centre.
Please don't do anything stupid. It will take a while for the anti-ds to kick in.
'This too shall pass' - and I really hope it does for you, and you feel better.
-
Hi cazkitten, how are you?
Its just gone midnight and again I cant sleep. I dont drink and haven't done for years but tonight I have been slowly getting drunk, I know I shouldnt drink with the pills I was given but it might help. Im so low today and I dont see anything ever getting any easier, im not a strong person when it comes to myself.
Junior
-
Hi Junior,
I hope you are feeling better. There are many good caring people in the world, and especially on this forum.
Just to let you know that I have also felt the same way as you in the past, and now, although I am much better, I still struggle everyday to keep my head up and not feel depressed.
best wishes
-
Thank you sandy, my life at the minute is like a yoyo one minute I want to die the next I feel a little fight left inside me.
Today I opened a bank account I know its not a big thing but good start to clawing back.
Junior
-
Like I said I feel like a yo-yo tonight is good im really low and cant stop thinking. I miss everything that made my life feel worth anything, holding my kids seeing them wake up and fall asleep, the loving relationship me and louise had and the way just a hug could take all my pain away. No one will or could ever replace my family or the woman I love. I know what I do with my life is down to me at the end me the day but im confused now, before I signed up to this forum I knew what I wanted and saved up so many pills to do that I even took them all but nothing happened other than internal pains, it would have been better if I did just die and the way I am now I wish I did.
Im 99 percent sure I will try again with more pills, nothing is getting any easier and I dont think it ever will, I have started drinking and I dont do that its not me but it might help as it seems to work for others, they have a hard or bad day and a drink makes it better some how. I get job seekers now and my first payment should be here this week I think I will buy more pills and try again. I cant do christmas without my family and its louise's birthday soon, I have never not got her a card or not told her how much I love her. Why go on to see more pain and hurt, whats the point to my pathetic waste of a life, im a lonely depressed hurting friendless ignorant tw@t that hates life. I lay here on the sofa every night wishing I dont wake up the next day but I do in just as much pain as now sometimes more.
I wish I had a gun I would go out the back door so on one sees me go somewhere quiet send my goodbye text and tell louise where my note was and end it all. Sorry for going on so much im a little drunk and had enough.
Sorry again and thank you for reading.
Junior
-
Im still here im struggling but here, thank you to the people who send me pm's you have been such a big help to me without you people I think I would have tried again.
I still have very bad days but I also have minutes when I dont think about death not very often but I do.
I am trying somedays are easier than others but im trying all the same.
Thank you all again.
Junior
-
Last night I got drunk like every other night but I Couldnt sleep, today feels so hard im really struggling and dont know why today is so hard, I feel confused and the thoughts are coming back.
I dont know what to do anymore, the anti depressants dont seem to do anything and I cant see the doctor until the 30th.
Junior
-
Hi Junior sorry your feeling so low, but please believe me the alcohol does not help in fact it was during my bouts of drunkedness that I OD, so please please please talk to someone. For me sleeping has always been the big issue along with the nightmares. I have not devulged to the Dr that I OD because I am afraid he will stop the sleeping pills. You know we have discussed before how this all messes up your insides as well.
Believe me I know its ok saying these things, and I really know how difficult it is to stop. I had a few glasses of wine last night and guess what it took me hours to drop off. Alcohol and anti d suppose to work and make you more sleepy.......but not me. Sorry for sounding like a hipocrite giving out great advice and not taking it. Having to keep a diary as part of my CBT treatment, I think is helping me though to understand the pattern, as we all know its getting above everything to help us move on. Take care x
-
Thank you for your reply.
I just picked my kids up and all they have gone on about is louise's new partner, I have been replaced in everyway now whats the point in trying why did I bother going to the doctors
-
Junior you will always be their Dad, and a good one at that who loves them dearly.............so always keep that in mind with all the lovely things you have done together when you are down ;)
-
Thank you lightenup,
It was very hard to hear them talking about him, I miss my family and still love louise deeply.
I know I shouldnt but the kids are in bed so ive been drinking alot to try and ease the pain.
Junior
-
Just try an make great you and kids time when you have them there with you. Take care and don't forget when they go back they will talk about the time spent with you. x
-
I hope so lightenup I really do, I just feel like ive been replaced.
Im quite drunk now so im not going to say much, but I am gutted the way things have turned out for me and my family everyday it hurts and every night I dream our family are still together I miss that so much and I dont see that ever changing.
Junior
-
Im drunk again, I had a bad dream last night and just cant get it out of my head, ive been close to tears all day, I dont know how much more I can take, I went out today to play football and my insides were really hurting I dont know if that was because of the overdose or not but the pain felt good, not sure if anyone can understand that.
I wish my life would end I really do why do I struggle on just to feel more pain.
I cant take mitch more
Junior
-
I got very drunk last night and something inside really hurt.
Today is my dads birthday and I feel like crap because all I can think of is ending my life.
The anti depressants arnt helping at all and I just dont care anymore why should I keep trying everyone will be better off without me around, I hate my life and I hate myself
-
I cant hold these thoughts off much longer, life isnt getting any easier and nothing helps.
Junior
-
Ok, I don't know how helpful this is going to be, but I can tell you a couple of things that might make you reconsider what you're thinking about.
1. To your children, you are irreplacable. I know this for a fact. No matter what happens, you are their father. I don't know how old your kids are, but theres a good chance that they're oblivious to how you're feeling, in their minds their is no such thing as "replacing dad". Losing you would break their hearts.
2. Trying to end your pain with suicide will only breed more pain, not only for you but for everyone around you too. Also if you think about it logically, the releif you may think suicide would bring is an emotion, you can not feel emotions if you are dead, therefore suicide can bring no releif.
I hope this helps... I realise I don't really type coherent sentences, brain doesn't work like that for some reason :-\ but maybe you can get the general gist of what I'm saying, or typing.
-
Hi Junior,
For days I've been trying to think what to say to you, and now Maru has said it brilliantly....
...nothing to add, except to send all good wishes for you.
bel x
-
Thank you both, not sure if I have said tha im living at my dads house or not, there are lots of hints about me moving out, I dont have enough money to move out all I get is 60 pound a week from job seekers, its just one thing after another for me.
Junior
-
Im sure the anti depressants are making me worse, I feel like im going round the twist, I cant concentrate on anything or think straight, the nights are getting so hard to cope with now, I think about death all the time and I do think about suicide but not everyday more passive suicide than doing it myself. I cant keep going on like this but maybe I do deserve all the pain I feel, physical pain is so much easier to deal with than mental pain. I miss my family and the plans we had for the future, now im stuck here in a small house sleeping on a sofa, why cant my life just end? I pray for it some nights but nothing happens, im exhausted now. The other day a truck almost smashed into the front of the car and I felt so relaxed and calm about it, was that wrong? I dont know but it would have made everyone else happier in the end.
Junior
-
Im drunk again tonight more than most nights I miss my family so much im not taking any more anti depressants they are just messing me up more so theres no point to them I have spent half the night texting louise and it felt so relaxing and just like the old days making hes smile with some simple words which in turn made me smile god I miss talking to her the way we used to talk I feel so confused because I would give anything to have my family back together but on the other hand I dont want that and Couldnt cope with it for many reasons why cant I just fall asleep and not wake up again I only ever talked honestly to louise and now have no one im finding it so hard not to tell hes me true feelings im such a mess my life was so perfect just a few months ago now it Couldnt get out worse christmas is almost here and I feel so rubbish about it I have never spent the day without them in 12 years I cant do it louises birthday is on the 25 of this month another day I have never missed or can cope with missing sorry all think I need to stop talking now junior
-
It sounds like you need to talk to your doc and get your meds changed, I don't have much experience with them personally because I never took mine, but I've heard that there are alot of different kinds and that the wrong ones will just make things worse or do nothing
-
Hi maru, I dont feel better but I do feel a little clearer today. I dont think I will go back to the doctor again, I have had anti depressants twice now and both times they have made things harder for me, im not going to try and end my life but im not going to try and do things safer either, if it happens it happens if not well thats just something I have to deal with. I didnt sleep very well last night I think it was because I drank so much but on the upside I didnt dream.
Junior
-
Hi Junior glad your feeling a little better. Its taken me 4 type of different anti depressents before I have one that seems to be working. Unfortunately I have seemed to hit the floor as past 10days but I know it is because I have taken an awful cold and a vomiting bug, but hey these things normally make us feel down. If I drink my sleep is always disturbed take care.
-
Thank you lightenup, ive been up and down today but not as bad as when I was taking the meds, might just be a better day or hopefully it was the pills making things worse.
You might be low because the pills you take are being brought back up?
I hope you feel better soon.
Junior
-
Most of today has been good but now its getting late im missing louise, I know that you all say with time it will get easier but even after everything thats happened between us I still love her, the confusing past is as much as I miss her and love her I dont want us to be together, can anyone understand what I mean? Im going to try and sleep soon and I hope I dont dream again.
Goodnight all.
Junior
-
Well I didnt dream again last night, but didnt sleep much either as my kids are here and they are both ill.
I dont feel as good as yesterday but that might be from no sleep.
Hope everyone is ok today.
Junior
-
I took the kids to the park today and my youngest one pointed at someone and was saying louises new partners name, I have no idea if it was him or not but with those words all the good feelings I had were gone, my boy was more excited to see who he thought it might be than having fun with me, dont think I could feel any worse right now
-
Or look at it another way maybe they would like to show him who their real daddy is. Kids do like to show off and maybe they would like to show you off ;) Also you get the time on a Saturday to do the nice/fun things with them like take them to the park.
-
Thank you lightenup, my youngest is only 2, I have my boys from friday untill sunday and this is the first time I have felt strong enough to take them out, its not the first time louises partner has been mentioned but this time it hurt even more as he was so excited about it.
I just want to cry
-
Im a little more calm about it now, as much as what happened hurt its just tough sh!t and something I need to get used to, it just felt like I cant even make my kids smile even when im trying.
Junior
-
Come on Junior...............just think of how they talk exitedly about going to see daddy...........keep up the good times with them.
-
Im trying lightenup I really am, just got back from playing football with my oldest boy
-
hi Junior,
I know it must be really tough for you and I hear your pain, but it does sound like you're handling it better. It's bound to hurt because you are a sensitive and caring person, just do your best to carry on and enjoy the time with your boys. Being so young they may not show it, but it will mean a lot to them as well.
bel
-
Thank you bel, im trying and thats more than I was doing last month, so its a good start, I even feel a small amount of happiness somedays, today is hard as its sunday and my boys will be going home soon.
Junior
-
Try to remember and focus on those little bits of happiness, it will help them to grow.
Hope you're ok today.
bel
-
Thank you bel,
I didnt sleep too well last night, but no bad dreams which is good, im feeling ok so far, not good but not bad either.
Junior
-
Hi Junior good luck with the flat, glad your having a good day so far reading from your journal. See how much the kids love you, you are such a strong person. Just for the info when I had the 2 attempts of od my therapist has told me to put my sons faces in the front of my mind, and it sure helps when I am down. take care
-
Thank you lightenup, somethings going right for me, I got the flat, im feeling a little mixed about it but I know its a good start, I still haven't found a job yet, hope one comes up soon.
Junior