Depression Forums

Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: mat on October 26, 2012, 10:02:55 PM

Title: Timeline of Depression
Post by: mat on October 26, 2012, 10:02:55 PM

I have got plenty of time on my hands at the moment due to issues with my work, which I will talk about soon here, so in the meantime sitting today I decided to do a timeline of my depression and  try to help myself figure out how it came all about,  would be interesting to hear others if they are willing to share.

I am now 21 and my depression must of started around when I was 10  so around 11 years or so .  in 2001 my mum died of a subarachnoid hemorrhage  and I kinda of went into myself , my family don't talk about these sort of things so I have kept all my feelings inside me.

Around 2004 when i first went to high school i started to rebel a bit,  i did not care about life or what happened, I had a load of friends and went out after school nearly every day getting up to all sorts of trouble, during this period i did get close to a few people 3 girls one near another 1 in particular called Rach who I was basically in love with and would of died for her, we would spend all night into all hours just talking away to each other about so random things and wen that relationship broke up I went into myself once more , I had a chance with another girl in around early 2007  and when again scared of rejection and with the feelings inside me I distanced myself from her  - which I know was one of the stupid mistakes off my life,  another girl who again i care for much  I again distanced myself out of fear of what other people would think.

Moving on to 2008 I left high school and started an apprenticeship, work based for 2 weeks then college for 2 weeks on rotation, i got to travel all over and meet all sorts of people,  at that time I knew my depression was getting worse ,  my brother died in feb of 2009  from a blood clot in the brain, and a few months later I
started to take some time off work, I knew that I had enough  and just was not up to anything so one day it was a Tuesday just another day at work , was so down  that at the end of the day I made up my mind that I was never going back .

Leading onto 09 - 10  near enough a year I was unemployed and day after day I would lay in my bed feeling sorry for myself building everything up inside me, distancing myself from everyone around me, sure there where chances for me to get out and about with people but again the fear and anxiety inside me stopped me.

After about a year I started a work placement and ended up getting a job in the nursing home and im still there today working away but about 6 months my depression really hit me hard  and I knew that I needed to get help  so I managed to get away from work for an hour and ended up at the doctors and ADMITTED that i had depression , tears running down my eyes and shaking like a leaf I was,  I went back to work and i felt so much guilt and started to cry, and say to myself  "what have I just done" that somehow admitting my depression was a big mistake.

Looking back at some things I somehow wonder how I got myself to where I am today, I used to be quite an outgoing person who wanted to live for life and look at me now.. :-[         

Title: Re: Timeline of Depression
Post by: bookletters on October 26, 2012, 10:15:13 PM

Matt, remember it's the illness talking.
I too do say "I used to be an outgoing person, look at me now" then when I get better I simply no longer think like that!! xxx

Title: Re: Timeline of Depression
Post by: Catbrian on October 27, 2012, 01:35:17 AM

To loose your Mother when you were still so very young, must have left its mark on your life, and then your Brother dying so suddenly, is completely unimaginable for me.  I’m 50, but fortunately, have never had any significant experience of bereavement.  All I can say, it’s no wonder your spirit has been dulled and you feel you’ve retreated within yourself.

The relationship with your (ex) girlfriend, Rach, sounds like it was a really good friendship.... your first love.  Believe me, in another 30yrs time, you will still remember her, but the hurt and pain will have long gone.  This sort of hurt has a habit of hardening us and can cause a lot of insecurity.  After all, who wants another broken heart? 

It’s perfectly natural that you’re trying to protect yourself.  Try not to worry too much, because once you're on top of everything again, your whole outlook will change and develop.  When the time's right, the right girl will come along.

Sometimes, trying to analyse ourselves when right smack bang in the eye of the depression, is not a good idea.  We always have a very negative perception.

You have come a long way, through some very rough times.  To say it eventually affords you a real genuine depth to your spirit and character is little comfort now.  But, life experiences do have the habit of moulding us.  The fact you have enough compassion to work in a nursing home, especially at your age, is proof of that.

What gets me through my toughest times, is the belief that it is all for a purpose.  That the person I’m in the process of becoming, is more compassionate, understanding, non-judgmental….

Hope you manage a good sleep(http://www.easyfreesmileys.com/smileys/sleep-051.gif) (http://www.easyfreesmileys.com/facebook-smileys.html)

Title: Re: Timeline of Depression
Post by: Leo on October 27, 2012, 04:02:24 AM

I too lost my mum at a young age. To lose two people so significant in your life does affect you as a person.

I found I am less tolerant of people, I am different. I keep people at arms length as I'm frightened of getting hurt.

The hardest thing I had to do was admit to my manager in an absence meeting I was depressed. I sat for an hour hardly able to talk for tears, and felt so ashamed of myself.
However, they recognised how ill I was/am, I have no grief from them, they don't phone me pestering me at all.

I can offer advice but struggle to take my own advice ( which is clear from my posts). It's often hard to admit you are Ill.

I focus on the negatives a lot. My mum was a great believer in everything happens for a reason. If I had never went to work for a dead end company I would never have me my partner, got my house, my dogs.

Don't beat yourself up, you have had a lot to deal with - maybe you haven't dealt with some things? I know after 9 years I haven't even opened 'my box' of feelings in regards to my mum. I'm not ready to deal with it.

I don't think I'm being much help, just want you to know your not alone  %^%

Title: Re: Timeline of Depression
Post by: Catbrian on October 28, 2012, 10:27:15 AM

What Leo says, is very true, I also believe everything happens for a reason.

Hope you're doin ok Mat