Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: Flea on September 26, 2012, 11:23:30 AM
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Hi,
As above really, unless you are off sick due to your depression.
I'm finding work more and more unbearable. Getting up in the morning to go to work is becoming an absolute ordeal - I feel anxious, panicky and very tearful. I just want to crawl back in bed and sleep the day away.
I've nearly used all my annual leave, and tend to book last minute time off when I am feeling really bad (worse that usual). I work from home once a fortnight (as this is company culture), but I still find it hard to get motivated and end up procrastinating, then putting myself under pressure to get work completed. I have odd days off sick here and there, which really doesn't look good.
I don't know if it is the job, or the depression that is causing the way I feel about work. I suspect it is the depression, as I often sleep a lot of the time when I am off work too, rather than motivate myself to do something productive.
Does anyone else feel this way? How did you make the necessity of having to work whilst depressed more bearable?
Please help :(.
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I get this aswell, but with college. I get days where I wake up and all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep. When I get back from college or work at the weekends its the only thing I do. Its a really bad habit I got into but I'm really really trying to get out of it. Trying to set my mind on completeing work or going out with friends or go out for a long walk to clear my mind- which sometimes does work because I feel like a can breath.
Its tough, I understand how you feel. xx
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It is difficult to hold down a job while suffering form depression I gave up a promising nursing career cause I couldnt cope and am only now admiting to myself that my depression was the reason. I now work two nights a week in a bar which is good as I made a good friend and have nice customers, who put up with me nagging them lol. I now realise I have been suffering from depression in different degrees for about thirty years. Im sorry there is no easy answer and sometimes I found it more scary going to work than actually being there. Have you spoken to your GP about this and I dont know what type of work you do but is there a sympathetic Occupational Health department, that could maybe organised some reduced hours for you till you are stronger. I hope things get better for you as I too remember the total dread to go into work and the feeling of relief when my days off came.
Hugs
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Work has often been the cause of my depression :(
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Flea
I feel exactly the same as you. I am really struggling with work at the moment and indeed for the last 2 years since I was off for 6 months due to depression. I too have days off sick and then that worries me even more as it does look bad.
I was off all last week as I had got myself into a mess on Sunday, suffering from dizzyness and suspect this is due to the thought of work on Monday. I had recovered but then on Sunday past I felt bad again but made myself go into work.
I try to set goals on a daily basis so that I have something to achieve. This doesnt always work and I am easily distracted from what I should be doing. I am lucky as my boss is not on top of me and I can bluff that I am doing enough even though I know myself that I am capable of doing a lot more.
I also feel trapped where I am due to financial commitment which doesnt help as I dont feel I have the option of giving up my job. I am currently looking for something else but there isnt really much out there at the moment. Not sure it would help anyway.
I have been trying to do things at home in the evening and have started working on bikes, lawnmowers etc in the garage at night and this is helping me.
Perhaps if you could find some interest outside work it may help you too.
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I couldn't cope with work and the people. Been off since April with depression and won't be going back there, well to that particular contract. Don't know what else they will offer me as they keep hanging things out. I'm looking for a more office based occupation with nice colleagues. Although I expect depression will ruin things as always. It always comes to sit on my shoulder and whisper in my ear how dreadful I am. I imagine it as some black ethereal spectre that lives in an abstract dimension from another Universe curled up in some tiny dimension inside an electron buzzing around some redundant nucleus. Hence the reason why I can't plug it. Like, for no reason, I get cosmogonically injected with some dark substance that ravishes my inner being. That's why I get fed up. Trying to understand everything is impossible because everything is grey and I've waffled on too much. Sorry.
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Pina911, you could be me!
I have a hobby outside of work and to be completely honest, I think it has saved me from locking myself away and recoiling from the world. I have a horse and am responsible for him. He is one thing that makes me smile. ^-^
I think my feelings towards work changed after I had 3 months off following my breakdown in 2009. Prior to that, I was a high achiever. At the end of 2008, I had been awarded Colleague of the Year and I was the only person in my department of 45 to received a 'distinguished' rating for my performance, and was rewarded well financially. That same year I had miscarried, lost my Aunt to cancer (who had been my Mother figure after losing Mum in 2003) and my other lovely horse after a long battle with his health. I never thought of work as a cause of my depression, more a tool to deflect the hurt I was feeling in my personal life. Maybe I was wrong?
Now I can't bring myself to perform to the same standards. I am exhausted, as I don't sleep well, so can't concentrate. I procrastinate all the time, instead of making things happen. 'Doing well' is something I have always had inside me, but now I just don't care. I don't think that my colleagues respect me in the way they once did since I finally admitted that I suffer from depression. That might be me being paranoid though. But I need to work to earn.
Living like this is awful - I really don't know what to do. I can't quit, as I need the money. And everything I've tried to help me sort the depression has not helped enough to stop the excruciating anxiety I feel in the morning when I have to get up to work.
It's bad to feel this way when the economy is as it is and people are unemployed. So confusing. :(
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Flea
Sounds like we are a right pair :-)
Recently I have not had the same interest in my work that was once there. I used to nearly live in the place and guess my work life balance suffered due to this. Now i am first out the door at finishing time and when there is extra work to be done I try not to get involved. i used to work nearly every weekend and late evenings and sometimes wouldnt be home at all.
This didnt help with homelife and think it affected my wife (now EX) and kids. Now I try to spend more time at home with my new partner and also spend more time with the kids when I see them. This isnt easy either as after a week at work I am really tired so have to make an extra effort to be with them. Doesnt always work that way but I do try.
Last night I spent some time with my son in the garage showing him how to rebuild a lawnmower engine. Neither of us had done it before and it was fun to do. Thank goodness for google though :-)
I am not sure if I will ever get back to the way I was and think to do it at my current workplace would be difficult as I think people do see me in a different way now than they did before. perhaps thats all in my mind but its certainly the way it feels. Hence considering a new job but would this solve the problem...... Not sure.
I would love nothing more than to just say to hell with everything and just give up work but I dont think that help me long term either.
I totally understand what you are going through and I think we are both in the same situation.
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Fortunately what I do is mainly voluntary so I can work when it suits me and some of it is online anyway. I help my husband as well and he works from home so even on bad days we can usually cope.
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At first it was unbareable. I got signed off for 7 weeks which had mixed reactions with me. Eventually I went back and 17 months later I am still finding myself acting out the Stacey that I expect people will like and get on with which won't make me stand out. It's really hard and sometimes I crack and am really short tempered. Things influence my mood far too easily. Its hard xx
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Hi Flea,
When I first joined the forum, like you I was also asking how people were coping with work. I so identify with everything you said. I was struggling out of bed, wanted to crawl under the duvet and die, crying on the journey in, crying in the bathroom during the day on a regular basis.
I subsequently had a nervous breakdown and have been off work for a couple of months. Financial, social pressures and also personal career aspirations, were a big part of why I carried on when I strongly suspected I wasn't able to.
So I suppose the answer to your question is, we don't really cope unless we find the right support at the time we need it. Maybe you just need to take the time to get better and work will feel ok again, or maybe work is causing your depression (which it did for me). I haven't yet figured out the answer to the latter option....
x
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I couldn't cope with work and the people. Been off since April with depression and won't be going back there, well to that particular contract. Don't know what else they will offer me as they keep hanging things out. I'm looking for a more office based occupation with nice colleagues. Although I expect depression will ruin things as always. It always comes to sit on my shoulder and whisper in my ear how dreadful I am. I imagine it as some black ethereal spectre that lives in an abstract dimension from another Universe curled up in some tiny dimension inside an electron buzzing around some redundant nucleus. Hence the reason why I can't plug it. Like, for no reason, I get cosmogonically injected with some dark substance that ravishes my inner being. That's why I get fed up. Trying to understand everything is impossible because everything is grey and I've waffled on too much. Sorry.
^^ This. 100%
I had to give up work for nearly a year because I couldn't cope - I was struggiling with agrophobia so work was pretty much out of the question! I had a long battle with the DWP to get any sort of financial help because they are rubbish at recognising mental illnesses as 'real' and then when I did get Employment & Support Allowance they only allow it for twelve months. If you go back to work for over 16 hours a week after this time then you get a back to work credit so that is what I had to do in order to have enough money to live off.
I started back full time in April. Two nights a week, 20 hours. At first it was ok, but now I am really really struggiling. I can't cope with the bitchyness or the backstabbing, I am not confident in the work that I do even though I am constantly told I am good at it and have done all my training... I'm anxious before a shift and an emotional wreck the day afterwards - so thats four days or a week wiped out and then I start getting anxious about next week.... ::)
Having said that though, I'm not sure I would be any better if I gave it up altogether. Going to work - as hard as it is - makes me see people and be sociable. I am very lucky in that one of my bosses is very supportive having been through depression herself and the lady I work with on nights the most is quite a good friend and can recognise instantly when I am struggiling. I'm not sure I could cope at all if the situation was any different.
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I've approached work about reducing my hours to 4 days for the short term.
I think if I got signed off for any particular period, I'd just end up stewing at home and only going out when I have to.
Although I struggle in the mornings and feel absolutely awful, at least I'm mixing with people and not sat at home alone.
Not sure what the answer is to the way I feel, but I can only try different things and see what happens...
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Good idea Flea, I hope your application is successful. Just wondering given that you feel so bad in the mornings if it's worth asking for different hours - maybe keep 5 days but go in later when you've had more sleep and time to compose yourself. Have you talked to Occupational Health? x
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Good idea Flea, I hope your application is successful. Just wondering given that you feel so bad in the mornings if it's worth asking for different hours - maybe keep 5 days but go in later when you've had more sleep and time to compose yourself. Have you talked to Occupational Health? x
Hi. Work are happy to consider my application :)
I really don't think going in later would help, because I'd have to work late too and be left on my own. Occupational Health have been involved before and were useless! No idea at all about depression!
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I've had at least 4-5 days off a month for the past 8 months off "sick".
I don't have a bad job, it pays ok and I am good at what I do.. Sometimes though I cannot face any kind of reality so hide at home. not even answering my phone to closest friends. I have managed an entire month tho this month so I know it is possible to face the day even when I feel bad..
but cause of the record of sickness I have I'm constantly Anxious that I'm going to get fired because of my days off.. which has also stopped me from going into work before. such a lame thing to do, scared of getting fired for being off sick, so I hide at home "off sick" again! it is likely to get to the point where I have to tell my manager that something is up... but I haven't even told my friends :s
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I am like Pip, my husband works from home so I help him. I am also self employed and run an online business. My "usual" job is casual + temporary so I can go back when I want to really....
Currently I am mostly looking after business and hubby's until I am able to go back to other job.
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Hi
These stories resonate soo much with my own experience and highlights how employers need to recognise and respond to what it a very common illness. The sad thing is that, whilst we tell ourselves at the time that we are no good and incompetent at everything and each day can represent an uphill battle just to get through the front door, let alone do any work, our colleagues and managers often are totally unaware that anything is wrong - until we hit breaking point and can't go on.
Since 2006 I've been finding myself in a revolving door of jobs where I start one, feel happy and confident for a while but that gradually fades as I become more and more anxious that I may not be doing my job well and will be fired for being an incompetent idiot. I feel I have to do everything perfectly and am extremely sensitive to any form of potential criticism. This builds to the point of totally taking over my life and gets me into a total state of worry and panic. This results in me being unable to go into work, being signed off sick and leaving ..... patching myself together and then the whole process starts again!
Disclosing depression to your employer is so difficult. Aside from the feelings of shame and inadequacy, I worry that if I admit to depression I will never be able to work again. I work in university research and (even in medical schools!!) the attitude is often that depression is a personal weakness of those who 'can't hack the pace of academia'. I hear people talking like this alot, not knowing that I suffer from depression, and this only fuels my panic and anxiety. People who really should know better!
My advice, for what it is worth: Always try and have a discussion with your employer about your depression early on and when you are feeling strong (i.e. before the point where the black dog is sitting on your shoulder). Explain the type of depression you have, your main symptoms and how you seek to manage it. Remember:
FACT 1 - Depression is a recognised illness. It isn't just being down in the dumps or 'a bit low'. You have rights that your employer MUST respect!
FACT 2 - depression is NOT your fault. Usually, it started either before we were born (through genetic make up) and/or through our early childhood experiences - both of these are beyond your ability to control. Carrying on with work is great if you can, but equally we would not expect someone with a broken leg to limp in through the office door at 9am with a smile on their face, neither would we blame them for having weak bones, so why should it be any different if we have a haywire head?
FACT 3 - people with depression are often creative and intelligent individuals and therefore make a valuable contribution to any employer. You are a gift, so seek out employers who are likely to understand what depression is. Finding the right work environment where you feel able to disclose your depression and talk about freely with colleagues is key to staying healthy and maintaining work.
Hope this helps! Wish I could always follow my own advice!!! Take care
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Great job!
I work in education too and yup the "can't hack the pressure" is all too common...
I too work extremely hard, want to be perfect, worried am not good enough and highly sensitive to criticism....
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Tried to take my own advice since my last post ....
I have been off for the last 2 1/2 weeks as a result of depression. I could feel it creeping in, becomming more and more worried about my work performance and paranoid that colleagues were talking about me and how rubbish I am an don't deserve my new job. I started my job in July which was a big step up in responsibilities from what I was used to. I spent hours each day before hand working on my self confidence through CBT, hypnotherapy etc but just three months in I found just couldn't cope with the change. I had been asking to meet with my mentors/line manager to talk through what it was I should be doing but they were always too busy to see me. I saw this as them not wanting me there and that they thought I was useless, and that I should just know what to do.
It got to the point where I could not do the most basic tasks e.g. check and resond to email. I was bursting into tears uncontrollably, sleeping for hours and hours on end, eating all the wrong foods and just wanted to zone out and hide. Absolutely convinced I had conned my way into the job and that I was making a terrible mess of things.
I want to run away but since finding out my wife is pregnant I know I can't do that. I emailed my bosses last night to disclose the nature of my depression and what has been happening. They replied this morning to say thanks for getting in touch and that they will try to make changes to ensure that I can carry on. I hope so. I feel sooo ashamed and embarrassed that this has happened. My job is supposed to develop me into a senior post. However, like many people here I've been feeling that I just don't have the same enthusiasm and drive to acheive high standards as I did when I was in my late teens/early twenties (in now 32) - ever since my mother developed psychotic depression and step-father died of alcohol abuse. I just want a quiet life without stress and a chance to enjoy having a baby on the way. We're moving to my wife's family flat which is currently empty (so no rent or mortgage!) so I'm hoping I can downsize my work for a less stressful existence. However, my wife is a student so isn't entitiled to any maternity pay/allowance so the pressure is on me to keep an income comming in.
Don't know what to do. Still terrified about facing my employers and colleagues!
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It is totally understandable you feeling this way. Well done for being honest about the situation t work colleagues. Don't push yourself too hard when you are going through depression, ask your manager to temporarily support you.
Remember it is the depression making you feel like you are worthless, not coping etc.
Thinking of you xx
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Thanks bookletters! Will see how it goes. Hope you're having a good day $%$
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You should be really proud of yourself for having your career you know ;)
I need time off from teaching when I get depression and have ended up being a supply teacher / self employed business owner... it's good but the money is definitely not as good!
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Thanks bookletters!
I'm glad I've been able to keep a career, despite having to take extended periods of time off and change jobs over the years due to depression. I do wonder/worry about how much longer I can maintain it though.
I think the move to supply teaching/self-employment sounds a great idea. I love the idea of running my own business. How have you found making that change?
Take care, N
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Running your own business is fun although lonely at times hehe and the money angle can be worrying.
Overall though it does give you a sense of freedom you wouldn't have else where :)
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Thanks bookletters!
I'm glad I've been able to keep a career, despite having to take extended periods of time off and change jobs over the years due to depression. I do wonder/worry about how much longer I can maintain it though.
I think the move to supply teaching/self-employment sounds a great idea. I love the idea of running my own business. How have you found making that change?
Take care, N
This ^. I'm professionally qualified and hold a senior position in a high profile organisation. I often worry whether I can maintain my career - or whether I really want to. It pays very well, but it may be that the right thing to do is reassess and do something I really want to do, and take a pay cut for the the sake of my health. Equally, I wonder if that is the depression talking, as I used to thrive in my job and enjoy it. I worry I'd still feel &$%+ if I changed direction. So hard. :(
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Depression does have a knack of warping our perception, it's wise to tread carefully when making any life changing decisions, very often, when the depression lifts, we can feel better about whatever we're trying to change.
If you can do it, I'm sure continuing to work helps, but a four day week will be a good move. The symptoms of depression are exhausting and, if you can manage to pace yourself a little, I reckon it might help. If you were unhappy at work, then, yes, moving on could improve your frame of mind, but it sounds as though you quite enjoy it. Resigning might just move the problem from current employer to the next.
I imagine it must be playing on your mind. I hope your application for a cut in hours goes well
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Very wise post Catb, I agree that depression warps your thoughts and makes you see work differently. I have chosen to go down the self employed route so I can still earn a little bit while unwell but I am sure as soon as I am out of the woods I will be doing a lot more teaching work because that is what pays the best.
Don't make drastic decisions about work when the black dog is whispering in your ear!!
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I was in social work management here in London and before that, was managing drug rehab for the Church of Scotland, in Glasgow. I'm not the same person, deal with too much paranoia and agoraphobia. Returning to work in any similar capacity is not something I'd feel motivated to do. I highly doubt I'd be employable in these fields, anyway.
Writing is my passion. For years I've wanted to pursue it and have worked very hard at it (all home study, trial and error) The new meds are responsible for a new-found motivation to look into some courses, with the view to doing freelance writing in the not too distant future, God willing.
Torrential rain in London, always reminds me of home $%$
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Night night Catb, what an interesting person you are! Not far from Scotland here. You should definitely look into writing again.