Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: ferry1995 on September 19, 2012, 02:34:52 PM
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I'm not sure where else to turn, I'm out of options
Gradually everything is beginning to deteriorate, every moment that passes, everthing becomes more and more surreal, this is a nighmare world I’m living in and I feel like I can have no solace from this despair, I feel like there will be no light ever again, I feel unable to smile, Unable to think properly, I feel like there is no way out and my mind is just going to slip away, it’s a constant struggle to battle through even five minutes of this, I can’t take any pleasure from anything, the only solace I get is from sleep, as every minute passes I just want to die more and more, the only thing keeping me from it is the thought I’ll never see my parents again, I don’t care about anything else, people’s opinions don’t matter, the only thing I can constantly think of is this waking hell I’m going through, the world looks like a different place, I’m forgetting, I’m gradually losing touch with reality and I can’t take another second of it, I know for certain I’ll never be me again, I’m scared I’ll start forgetting my family, my surroundings, that I’ll become an empty shell, and I think the only way to prevent that is by dying with dignity, I feel totally and utterly unsafe everywhere, I feel like this monster is gradually tightening it’s grip on me and I can’t take another second of it, the time between my moment of lucidity are growing, I look into the mirror and I see someone different looking back, there is no reason behind this feeling, If I have to experience another day of this I’m sure I’ll want to die, please stop me, not for my sake, just for my parents.
I am sure I won’t be alright, nothing is ever going to be alright, nothing will provide me solace.
The only place i'd feel vaguely safe is a mental hospital, what do I do...
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Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? You really need to see your Dr as soon as you can and explain how you are feeling. Please take care. S x x x x
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You really do need to speak to your doctor if you havent already xxx
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Hi Ferry,
I really feel for you, this is the place I was in just a few weeks ago. You are not losing your mind, you are describing symptoms of severe depression. This is a horrible illness which has both biological and neurological symptoms. If you feel desperate please go to A&E or call your local mental health crisis line (if you have trouble finding info feel free to PM me where you live and I'll try to find a number for you).
I know this may be hard to hear at the moment, but with support and medication you can start to get out this horrible place, I am living proof of this.
Take care, we are all here for you
xx
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Thank you for the quick responses guys, I was pretty hysterical when writing this but I'm very slightly more lucid now
I used to suffer from really really bad health anxiety but this has just been replaced by crushing depression
I've rang the crisis team and currently waiting for a reply
for the first time in my life after 8 years of anxiety/depression I feel like i'll never escape this, the scary thing is I have no reason to be depressed, I just want to die...
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Hi Ferry,
I can really relate. A lot of what you write, I have felt similarly. It is really scary, and it could be a glorious day outside but inside it feels like the end of the world.
It is a frightening place to be, to feel like you have nothing left, and worse, the feeling that you won't get better.
Do your parents or friends know what you're going through?
Are you on medication, or seeing a GP or psychiatrist?
I'm glad you've called the crisis team.
I agree with Shaz and Zaf, making an appointment with your GP is really important, and as hopeful says, if it feels like you can't hold on, please go to A&E, or I highly recommend the Samaritans (despite the name, they are non-religious). Samaritans number is 08457 90 90 90. I can recommend them because I have called them a few times in the past and they really helped me feel better, just having someone to talk to & blurt out how you're feeling.
I know you feel like you will never escape this, but try to keep that thought out of your mind. I won't tell you to "be positive" (because that's a slap in the face to anyone who has depression) but there will come a time when you will feel that you will get better. I had numerous times when I felt I will never recover, and I have had times, after that, when I've been confident I will recover.
Please let us know how you're doing!
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The problem is my GP and my psych keep saying there's nothing they can do, I called the crisis team last night and was sent to hospital and felt marginly better, but since then my mood has dropped to even lower depths, I'm just scared no one is going to believe what i'm going through, the only place I could feel safe now would be a mental hospital :(
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I am so sorry you are feeling this bad. Its a truely horrible place to be. A lot of us here can relate to how you are feeling. When the crisis team get back to you make sure they understand just how bad you are feeling. If you get no joy just keep ringing until they get you help. Take care. S x x x x
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Hello,
I've just read through your posts. I fully appreciate how bad you are feeling and that you can't see a way out. As someone who is currently in a psychiatric hospital, I firmly believe that it is far better to get well in the community than in hospital. This is because hospital in itself is an extremely artificial environment. It is better to develope coping strategies at home and get extra support there than resorting to hospital. In my opinion hospital should be a very last resort. I fully appreciate how unsafe you feel, is there anything that might make you feel safer or more secure?
I do hope you start to feel better soon.
Fox
XxX
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I've been through 8 years of anxiety and depression and there's always something to get me through the day/night, just today I feel hopeless, like there's no future for me, I will go mad, I will hurt myself unless I go into hospital tonight, I need help really soon...
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If you feel like that I guess you should go to A+E? Or phone your doctor? A psychiatric hospital will not be what you expect but I do hope you get the help you require.
Fox
X
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Sorry Ferry, I didn't realise you'd already tried to ask for help, sorry if I sounded patronising.
As Fox has said, please do consider going to A&E and tell them everything you've been so brave to post here. Maybe you could print this discussion off and take it in? Might sound odd, but it may be easier than expressing things in words if you're feeling confused.
xxx
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I agree if you get no help from crisis line then go to A & E and tell them you must have help. Thinking of you. Please take care. S x x x x
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It's horrible feeling like that %^% ... we are very fortunate to have a good crisis team who do listen. They prefer to treat people in the community rather than in hospital unless it's absolutely necessary.
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Thanks guys , I've spent the last few days in and out of hospitals, but I'm gradually feeling a bit better, I was borderline suicidal this morning, and after being taught some decent coping strategies I feel I can manage until I get some meds, its been 9 hours since I last cried so that's a major positive, staying strong :)
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You have been doing the right thing by going to hospital, this depression will not last the extreme negative feelings about yourself and the world around you are a part of the depression, and they are perceptions only. Try to treat them as such and remember that you will get better. This depression will not last, you will improve and be glad to be alive. Suicide is the worst thing that you can possibly do.
Take care,
Steve
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How are you feeling today? I hope you're getting some more help and support and that things are improving a little.
Fox
XxX
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Feeling a lot worse this morning, gradually the world is slipping away more, My parents are coming back in 7-8 hours time so I feel that's something to hold on to but I still feel i'm gradually losing it, i'm forgetting things and nothing "feels" the same, Any coping strategies for this, will meds help? I'm seeing my psych who will reccomend some meds on monday, but it's just holding out until then.
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Before coming into hospital and up until about a week ago I had similar feelings. I would walk into a room and nothing would feel or look right. I didn't even feel right and struggled to decide whether things or indeed I was real. This is called depersonalisation and disociation (the latter I have spelled completely wrong). Apparently this can be a side effect of some medications or a symptom of mental illness. It can be really scary and I really feel for you, having experienced this myself.
I found that trying to distract myself from things and trying not to think about it too much helped. Even little things like going for a brisk walk and feeling the wind on your face can help - It kind of reminds you that things are real. Try doing something exhilerating!
I hope those feelings subside soon.
Fox
X
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Did this eventually clear up, just the world is feeling darker and darker... even at my more lucid phases things feel like they are slipping away..
last night I felt normal, but now I feel like hell, what's going on :/
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Well, I had really deep depression with psychotic features and those feelings were just part of it, I guess. It seems to have "cleared up" but I don't know whether that is because, as my doctor describes it, I have flipped to the other extreme and now feel completely fantastic about anything.
Be careful which medications you are willing to take if this is a big problem for you as some psychiatric medications can actually compound or even cause this problem. I know when I took quetiapine I was just so confused by the world and whether it was real or not. I know it's really scary. I hope you feel a bit better soon. I know it's so scary to feel you've lost control of yourself and the world around you.
Fox
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All the doctors i've spoken to seem to reccomend citalopram, any experience of this? I've responded very well to medication in the past for my anxiety, so if nothing else. i'm holding onto this, but It really is going to be a long weekend, just mustered up the energy to have a shower and now i'm going for a run and a smoke ( unfortunately i've started again ) :(
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Citalopram was the first med I every tried, almost 3 years ago. However at the time I had very bad anxiety which got worse upon starting it. It also resulted in me not sleeping for days on end, losing a lot of weight and generally being a big wreck. I mean, things got quite out of control and weird. After that I've never been allowed another SSRI until my dr tried sertraline but to the same end. I couldn't even sit still.
However, that is my personal experience. Unlike you I have never reacted very well to medication and it usually sends me loopy or makes me worse. So hopefully it will be different for you, especially if you've responded so well in the past!
I'm so glad you're managing to go for a run! I've been going to the gym a lot whilst in here. I think if you could put exercise in a pill everyone would want to be prescribed it. It does so much good for your mental and physical wellbeing.
Fox
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I just wanted to say its quite normal to feel good at certain times of the day and bad at other times. Mornings have always been the worst time of day for me and by the evening I feel a different person. We all differ with medications as well what works for one does not work for another. Also most anti-depressants can make you feel worse before things gradually improve. Take care. S x x x x
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I was on Citalopram 40mg but after a while it didn't work and my doctor took me off it so now I'm not taking anything. I agree with Shaz over certain times of the day being harder to deal with depression.
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Thanks for all the responses guys, the last 3 hours have been hell, I went for a run and left feeling like a wreck, the world feels even more disconnected, and even worse, i'm beginning to feel disconnected, I rang the samaritans who seemed utterly baffled about my problems and reccomended I go back on the 20mg of clomipramine I came off 2 weeks ago ( surely the only reason I can feel like this ) I think the only thing keeping me holding on is the fact it's only 5 hours until my parents get back, and perhaps I can say goodbye to them one last time with me being in the right state of mind, I'm really starting to miss health anxiety, and I guess some valium would be good, Basically there's no going back from here, I don't think it... I know it.
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Can you get to A & E? If you feel this bad you need some help. Please take care. S x x x x
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I've been to A+E 3 days consecutively, it doesn't help.... I'm out of options :(
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Sorry was just concerned for you. Just wish you could get some help. At least you can post here and we will listen (((( hugs )))). S x x x x
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Thanks guys, I know there's nothing anyone can do, so i'm just making peace with myself, my relatives and with god ( I've never been religious ) before I lose my mind....
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I'm a little bit more lucid now, not brilliant but I feel slightly more stable after ringing a mental health crisis team, it's basically about holding out until monday when I can get my hands on some meds... it's just about coping until then....
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We'll be here for you %^% %^% %^% %^%
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Glad you have spoken to someone. As buttercup says we are here for you ((((( hugs ))))). S x x x x
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I'm glad you're feeling a bit more in control sweetie.
X
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Thanks so much guys, you don't realise how much I appreciate all your help, my cousin is just having a tantrum about how he can't go out for longer than half an hour, kinda gets me angry that people get upset over such menial stuff.... does anyone else find this?
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To be honest, at the moment most things that people do irritate me to a certain extent. Even if they just talk to me and I don't want them to.
Fox
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When I'm going through a good patch I need somone with me, but to be honest when I'm upset I just sit there and constantly think things over, as long as there's some hope on the horizon that's all that matters, only 61 hours to go!
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Sweetie,
I know the feeling. When I was at my worst I stayed in bed without eating or washing for a whole week. I couldn't even talk to anyone and wished my life would just melt away. It is so easy to just sit and think with things. I had a great CPN who said that at times like that I needed to be with people to keep myself safe and to make me realise that there are people in my life which makes it matter. I didn't take his advice, but I really wish I had.
What are you wanting to come from your appointment on monday?
Fox
X
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Well hopefully some meds that ease the pain a little bit and getting myself on some good therapy which will hopefully get this derealisation cleared up...
Just to clarify this stuff can't send you mad can it? I don't want to spend the rest of my days in a psychiatric hospital :(
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What stuff? The experience you're going through or medication and therapy?
I personally don't think in todays society there are many cases of true "madness". I'm coming to the end of my 8th week in a psychiatric hospital and I am managing very well to hold a conversation with people and manage everyday things very well. Just beware that medication can make you feel a whole lot worse before you get better and some can even contribute to the feelings of "derealisation" you are having.
Having been in a psychiatric hospital I have seen varying degrees of illness and these people have now come and gone home.
Don't worry, it is all going to be okay.
Fox
XxX
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Thanks for that, that acutally made me feels loads better, I will go into a psych hospital if needs be, as long as I get to feel a bit better
And by stuff I mean this depersonalisation and depression i'm feeling, I mean i'm just gradually losing concentration and memories are kinda going... at what point would I actually be admitted?
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It won't send you mad no. It's just a symptom.
Well I can tell you what led to me being admitted if that helps?
I had tried to cut my wrists back in may and had to return home to live with my family. The months following I just got into a darker and darker hole. I wouldn't get out of bed for days on end, I took no interest in my appearance, I did not eat, I did not talk where possible, some days I wouldn't even wash. Then all of a sudden I realised what I needed to do. It was as if a calmness had come over me. A started getting washed and dressed and things and one day when I thought my family were out I put a chair under the handle of my bedroom door so no one could get in and was about to kill myself.
Strangely my mother new something was wrong and came back into the house and made me open the door. From then we got an emergency appointment where I admitted to my intrusive thoughts and the voices in my head etc etc. I was sent straight to the hospital and admitted that night and I've been here ever since.
This was after about 2 and a half years of holding myself together and getting on with life despite the wild things I'd do when extremely happy and the horrid things I'd do to myself when sad. A big part of me still believes I am not and never have been ill.
I think if you were admitted the doctors would have to believe you couldn't look after yourseld and had the means to hurt yourself.
I hope that gives you some insight.
Fox
XxX
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Sweetie,
How have you been today?
XxX
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Sorry for the slow reply, tried to keep off the computer today, see if it helps
Well I've got to say today was a better day for yesterday, there was only really 2 hours or so where I was feeling bad/losing my mind, but I managed to hold onto the fact that 9 different medical professionals told me what was happening was just very severe anxiety and was totally treatable, so pretty soon those turned to hopeful thoughts, I just thought, hold out until monday, then i'll have some meds, and some therapy, and i'll be hopefully on the road to recovery, my parents have said they'd be with me every step of the way, and I actually got to speak to a few friends who reminded me of all the nice things I have to go back to when i'm well again :)
I was very happy, almost euphoric for an hour or so today, I don't know if I could be bi-polar, or just an overwhelming sense of relief that i'm not losing my mind, my biggest fear is that I forget my friends and family and stop loving them....
I think my mood is lifting, just this damn derealisation and confusion is becoming a real pain, although it's lifted a little today, I did begin to think mabye I have a brain tumour which is causing this sudden mood dip, but I've had a lot of blood tests/medical examinations so I'm hoping that'd rule that out, ( never thought i'd be happy to see my health anxiety return :) ) anyway, i'm gonna get a good night's sleep tonight, then i'm going to try to go into work for 4 hours tomorrow, take my mind off things, then have a nice relaxing afternoon, play my guitar, have a nice bath, watch some telly, have a good meal, go for a run ( I eat so much now )
Also I didn't need a cigarette today! And they've been getting me through these last few days
Sorry for that vent of feelings, it makes things a bit easier :) thanks for listening/your concern, hope you've had a good day x
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Yay! I'm so glad things are getting better. From what I've been told recently bipolar disorder envolves "euphoria" which lasts more than an hour or so. At least four (ish) days I think... So don't you worry about that!! You're probably just relieved you're feeling better!
Fox
X
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I'm glad you've had a better day as well.
I agree with Fox on the bipolar front. Hope you get a good nights sleep.
Xxx
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I had an okay nights sleep, and woke up feeling not too bad, although my perspective of the world has changed, again...
I went to work about 9.30 and found out my shift wasn't due to start until 3, so i'm sitting in the house at the moment feeling terrible
the confusion is so bad this morning, i'm scared that even if I do get on some meds then they'll make things feel so much worse, and I know meds don't even work for some people, and I'm too "out of it" to respond to CBT, I've totally forgotten what it's like to feel normal, I can't remember being happy about something, my main fear is really that I learn to accept this feeling, because i've turned into such a mess, I don't care about anything, nothing interests me, unless I really focus,I just kinda forget, forget what time of year it is, forget how I felt the day before, even forget who I am...
I understand there are people a lot worse than me but I see everyone just going out doing such trivial things as going shopping, or laughing at a joke, or watching the telly, how can people do this?
I know it's not normal to feel like this, I know I will feel better later, but things are getting worse, I'm scared I will feel better, the "doom" is coming closer, and i'm scared i'll forget about it....
I know different people respond to different meds, but what meds do you think would get me back to the the place I was before, I'm aware I'll have mental problems for the rest of my life and that scares me so so so much :(
Thanks for listening guys x
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Hey sweetie,
You aren't that "out of it" and you certainly haven't lost your mind. You seem to be fully aware of your feelings and that something is wrong. One of the other patients in here told me that people that have truly lost it and become very very ill aren't even aware of it. I guess I was a bit like that for a while! So don't you worry, you still have a good grasp on what is happening and are seeking help (something a lot of people, including myself, do not do)
I do understand your confusion about the world around you. I have days like that - where I have no idea what's going on or what's happening and it can be quite scary.
Regarding your question about meds... I couldn't really tell you. It completely depends on what you are diagnosed with. If it's depression then an antidepressant, if it's anxiety then some kind of anxiolytic. It doesn't seem like there's any type of psychosis or anything but then again I don't really have perspective on that myself so wouldn't like to pass comment or advise on it as I'm not impartial and really do believe antipsychotics to be horrid drugs. That is my personal opinion though.
I think the main thing to remembver is that you know your feelings aren't "normal" and you're seeking help so you still have a lot of insight.
Hope things pick up for you. And remember that medication isn't everything. You may find that counselling will work much better for you. I had a therapist who was great and even just helped me to sit with my feelings and be safe until I had the cognitive processing to work things through once I was able to cope with it.
" I
Fox
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Thanks for your kind words, they've really helped me through the day, I've decided to cut out internet use for a while as I seem to be googling things every 5 minutes which isn't doing me any favours, I've had a bad day struggling through a training course at work but i know I'm getting help starting tomorrow so there is hope!
I'll be sure to come back on and let you know when I get back to normal, however long that may take,
Thanks for your continued help and support and I really hope you get better soon too :) x
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I hope your appointment went well. X