Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: su on September 07, 2012, 08:14:05 AM
-
Hi
I just moved out of Christian Community and am now trying to get used to life "on the outside" as it were.
It isn't helped by the fact that I didn't really want to move out in lots of ways. I mean, it was my choice, because my head wasn't coping coping with the lifestyle and I needed to be out of it where I could have a bit more control over my own life - so it was my decision to do it, but the whole reason I was in community in the first place was because I believe in that lifestyle, I admire it as a way to live, and I want the things it stands for - and the ways it gives other kinds of freedom.
And I can't have it. I kind of accept that - it's just about having to accept my limitations - but the result is that here I now am trying to get to grips with a way of life I had turned my back on, and I don't even want to get to grips with it. It all just goes against the grain.
Just normal stuff like shopping - really weird.
My first shopping trip in a mini supermarket I ended up getting followed round the store by the security guy - I realised afterwards I must have been behaving really strangely from his point of view because I was wandering backwards and forwards from one thing to another struggling to think what I wanted to buy and generally behaving like a classic shoplifter. It was quite funny really. Except that since then I've realised I haven't been able to face a full sized supermarket at all.
It all happened a bit fast. From making the decision, I was out of community in 2 weeks, and I haven't really had time to process what it means. Just doing all the stuff to sort out getting a place to live and a car and stuff used up pretty much every ounce of capacity I had (plus a bit I didn't have).
I keep hitting the brick wall of the fact that I don't want to process what it means. I don't get the point. I don't want to get back into this lifestyle. I mean, I should probably do things like get a TV - part of having my own space is being able to do things like just distract myself with a nice mindless TV program when I'm not coping, but I don't want to watch TV. I gave up TV because I wanted to. And I know it's something which I can actually use to be helpful to me - but I just have no motivation to get into it, so I can go in that direction, but it feels like wading through treacle because I'm just not interested.
Am trying to focus on the things I do want - like my computer. I had access in community, but it wasn't the same. You could never be sure the computer would be free, or it was free but there were people around, so I could use it, but doing something like this forum would have been a bit more difficult. So I like having my computer and being able to just sit here when I want and do what I want and (selfishly) not have to think about anyone else.
It's just time and adjusting, I suppose, but it's really difficult - especially as it's an adjustment I don't want to make.
Don't know if any of this makes sense - but hey, making sense is over-rated!!!
-
su, it does take time to adjust and it will take time. Your shopping trip reminded me of a time I got followed. I was walking around picking stuff up and putting it in the trolley then realised I had left my purse in the car ~ had borrowed a friend's car. I put everything back and went to get my purse and the security officer followed me out and asked to check my bag. Obviously I was quite happy for him to check it. I explained that I was just getting my purse and he was very apologetic. Even though people were giving me odd looks I wasn't bothered because I hadn't done anything wrong and he was very apologetic. Got my shopping done which was a bonus.
-
I keep telling myself it's just a matter of time.
I don't usually make decisions without thinking it through in ridiculous detail first, and I didn't do that this time.
It all happened very fast. I keep trying to tell myself I will adjust and it will be ok, but it doesn't really help much when I'm feeling all at sea not really knowing how to cope with stuff.
A few issues yesterday to do with the letting agent which just freaked me out. I can't face dealing with them. Never could actually, and now I'm out of practise too.
Am getting my head round the shopping thing - that at least is half just funny when you realise that some of the things which seem really weird are just normal everyday things that would never even enter most peoples heads as an issue.
Makes me feel like a bit of a freak, even somewhere like this forum where it feels like it's more ok to talk about where I'm at, but then I guess living in community isn't exactly normal so technically, I am a freak!!!
I guess it's all just change. I don't like change - but I chose this so now I just need to get on with it.
Helps being able to come in here and ramble on about how it all feels.
Deciding to get on with it is all very well, and mostly that's what I'm doing - but then one too many things will crop up or go wrong or I'll realise just how beyond me it is to deal with all of this and then suddenly it's all too much and I can't do it - and I don't want to do it, and what's the point of this existence anyway . . . . . . .
Need to try and find some things I want to do with life. That's difficult, because the way I'm feeling at the moment, it's hard to persuade myself to be interested in anything.
Ramble, ramble, ramble . . . . . . .
-
Ramble away Su you can do that here and no one will judge you. You have some big changes to cope with. Take care. S x x x x
-
It finally registered tonight.
This is actually real. I have actually really made this massive change to my life - and I'm terrified.
I am so scared. I have no idea how I'm ever really going to do this.
So many changes. So many things to think about. It all kind of overwhelmed me tonight and I just felt physically sick with the fear.
I am scared of just facing the normal bits of life.
Very strong desire to just opt out and not face any of it. Trying to ignore that feeling and believe it will get better, but I am so tired, and I've had to hold it together for so much already. It is tempting to just kind of give in and opt out of life altogether.
Sorry - I hope it's ok to say things like that here. I'm not actually planning to imminently go off and do anything drastic. Just expressing the thoughts and the temptation, that's all.
Feeling very isolated. Seeing my GP on Friday, but Friday seems a very long way off at the moment.
-
(((( hugs )))) its good that you can put your feelings down here. You will not be judged here. You are going through some massive changes in your life. I do hope the dr's appointment goes well for you on Friday. S x x x x