Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: Michael Frankum on September 03, 2012, 07:40:43 PM
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For a long time, I have been very argumentative. If somebody upsets me, I lash out. At several jobs, I actually came to blows with co-workers. I am full of hate. If somebody pushed in a bus queue or in a shop, I would invite them to step outside. I once bent a thug backwards over a fence because he had been shoplifting (In a charity shop!) and had threatened the lady running the shop when he was caught. I have got out of the passenger seat of a car in mid traffic, because a driver nearly hit the car I was in because he was on his phone. I got him to pull over and approached him. Luckily he saw the funny side when I asked him to hang up and give me the phone to call the police. Even luckier, his friends in the minibus were satisfied with just mooning at me. I have gotten away with this behaviour so far mainly because I am over six foot, and pretty ugly, and nobody has yet realised that I am a wimp. At least I believe that I am not an unreasonable bully, but then I would tell myself that, wouldn't I?
I can't deal with death. Since I divorced my wife, I have had 3 girlfriends, 2 of whom died, and one who swore off men altogether! The Frankum experience. Actually she is still a very good friend. I wouldn't have survived without her friendship. At one time I was giving her support too. I like to think that I still am, but I'm pretty much a basket case. I believe that a decision I made when working for the Ministry of Defence led to the deaths of two soldiers.
I believed that the best option was to shut myself away from the world I hate so much. I began distancing myself from the few friends I had, and I now have 2 human friends and Wedgie. Some people it was easy to discard. A friend from school who was best man at my wedding, I cut out when I learned that he was beating his wife. I always feel that I can justify whatever I decide. The entire world is wrong. Why doesn't it change to the way I want it to be? I left my voluntary work in a different charity shop, because the manager was racist. Everybody's wrong, and I hate them for it.
I do go out, but not very often. I avoid it whenever possible. I get angry with what I consider to be bad behaviour, and when somebody surprises me by being considerate in any way, I feel moved to tears. It's easier to post on this site, because I can give a different impression than the way I actually exist. I have stopped washing each day because it isn't important. The people I try to con on this site can't smell me (I hope!) I've arranged with my brother to flush my ashes down the toilet when I die and get cremated. I checked with the authorities - it's OK. Life or rather Death as performance art. When my thoughts get too painful, I bludgeon my mind with loud music through headphones, so that the thoughts can't settle. Or I just watch wallpaper television - Murder She Wrote anyone? When I get dressed, I can't even put both socks on before my mind goes somewhere bad, and I sit on the edge of the bed, just going over and over something in my past. I look up, and 45 minutes have passed. I have been losing myself here because it's a safe distance to everybody else.
I went out last week for another check on my eligibility for benefits, and to assess whether I should get a job. I arrived 40 minutes early, and when the time of the appointment arrived, I was told to go home because they were running 2 hours late. If I am assessed as a jobseeker, who in their right mind would want to employ me? Yes I should work, but I'm not fit to be with other people.
So there it is. That's me.
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I could have written a lot of that Michael, I found a good counsellor who helped with such feelings a great deal xxx
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I can tell that many of you must be pretty disgusted by the way I'm living at present. I must stress that my personal hygiene hasn't always been so poor. At one point, I used to have a bath EVERY month, whether I needed it or not!
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Not disgusted at all Michael. When I was at my lowest I didn't wash for about a week. I was a sight for sore eyes (and a smell too!!).
I can relate to what you are saying. I often hate taking public transport as I get annoyed & angry at others and their odd ways.