Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: tharidler on August 21, 2012, 03:16:15 PM
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hi to everyone old and new
the last time i posted was in july i had just had a med review and my medication was changed from 300mg venaxx (it has several other names ) down to 150mg my dosulepin was at 50mg and stayed the same and then i started on 15mg of mirtazepin (not sure of spelling) that was increased to 30mg after a week the initial changes were positive in the sense i was able to get to sleep at night within about half an hour for the first time in years this was great the downside was untill mid to late afternoon i could and often did fall asleep mid conversation this has improved i'm sleepy untill the afternoon but not as bad.when i first started my therapy around five years ago i had a lot of issues some of them near the surface some hidden deeper the first on the list was a fear of death to the point i would spend hours on the net looking at symptoms of lung cancer (ex smoker) liver disease (used to self medicate with bacardi) and a myriad other aches and pains whipping myself into an absolute mess ( there is a reason for all this i promise ) it took years of cbt and one on ones to be able to function properly. Although this saying is not really used for this situation it is apt believe me "you don't know what you've got untill it's gone " about two weeks into my new regime i crashed the fear of dying came back so strong it has at times literally incapacitated me my breathing has started to feel "off" like i'm not quite getting a proper breath and this has brought back all of my old habits ie symptom checking and analyzing my body over and over and nothing makes sense you know two and two equall a bag of spuds and then as if all these old friends coming back bigger and stronger wasn't enough the suicidal thoughts and planning has been kicked into high gear (i know it makes no sense) i have probably had at least half a dozen episodes where i have lost it and broken down with my wife (god bless her) having to coax me back despite all of this at a med review yesterday the locum physiciatrist listened (i think) just upped my venaxx slightly and said to carry on and talk to my physcologist about the other issues. this has been the first day back on here apart from an occasional lurk and i dont really know what to say (ironic i know) but help me please my physcologist is on leave i do have crisis numbers but i need help and to talk here is easier than to open up to strangers on the phone or in person it took years for my physcologist to peel back the layers and its not going to happen just like that with a stand in. please any advice,insight or experience of these meds and situations would really be appreciated (if you've got this far i'm sorry it took so long)
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The breathless feelings sound like panic attacks tharidler, is that possible?
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zaf
i know this will sound strange but i'm not sure but my wife is, i really want to believe it but my brain won't let me !! *^*
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Our brains can tell us all sorts of things for some strange reason, could you ask your GP perhaps?
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I have suffered with panic attacks and this does sound similar. We are here for you. S x x x x
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thankyou shaz
i think one of the things i'm struggling to understand is why these schemas that i had come to understand have now come back even stronger than before i'm sure the logical reason lies somewhere between changes in medication and some other events in my life but it evades me the whole not feeling like i'm breathing properly is hopefully what everyone says it is one of the worst things is i will all of a sudden decide i'm not breathing properly and then i can't decide if it's just came upon me or if i have been ignoring it and it's been in the background all the time and a symptom of something far worse the thing is the logical part of me says it is a maladaptive schema and that is then when i start to argue both sides in my head between good and bad and bad always wins and i'm sorry i have gone off on one again i spoke to my gp about this years ago which is how this all started and while i do want it to be a panic attack (really) i scare myself it's not and so it goes on and on etc
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You are not alone in thinking this way. I am always convincing myself that things are wrong with me. I always think the worst. Counselling has helped me a lot with these thoughts. Thinking of you. S x x x x
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thankyou shaz for your kind words the trouble for me is acceptance that it is physcological when i initialy started working on my issues i had group therapy which whilst i did not like being in a group it was the only option to start with and even after completing the course i still had the same issues and then i was offered the chance so i started on cbt and the whole idea of schemas this has been usefull in some aspects some of these are family issues that i don't want to discuss on an open forum but all in all it helped me to better understand my illness and somewhere along the way the breathing anxiety just faded my wife as i said is convinced it is just anxiety that has come back due to the new drugs regime and other factors but again here i am checking symptoms feeling like i cant breath properly and whilst my logical side knows it could be anxiety i have again convinced myself that it is more serious my wife has listened to my breathing i have done things without getting out of breath so these are all positive pointers yet still here i am and if this is just anxiety (when i say just i do not mean to belittle how bad it can be for people)how can i convince my stupid brain of this fact i once said to my physcologist how can we unlearn something so strong that it is part of us sadly as i think i mentioned before my physcologist is on leave so at the moment i only have you for advice my friends so please don't be stingy (sorry if rambling again)
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I think itis very difficult to unlearn but it is possible eventually, counselling helped me immensely but its taken a long time and a fair bit of help from the lovely people in here
Z xxx