Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: Jayfur on August 14, 2012, 04:28:08 PM
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Hi guys, I am new to here, feel a bit uncertain about posting, I read a few people's posts and some people seem to need a lot more help and support at the moment than me, I actually feel a bit selfish posting my wingeing here. But I've not had anyone to talk to about my depression for so long I really do need to talk. My post title mentioned 'older' depressives, I'm not being 'ageist', it's just that I feel that my issues may be different to a younger person (I'm 48), happy to talk to anyone really. Been on meds since age 21, don't really wanna go thro my life history, just start from where I am now.
At the moment I am just so tired, partly due to overweight but mainly due to depression. The reason I do stuff in my life is to distract me from how I really feel, because I am really just passing time til I die. If I stop and think about it, I genuinely can't think of a reason for living, I don't know why people exist and when I do die I will be so relieved it is all over. I've overcome so much in my life, I have a wonderful husband and adorable dogs, I have my own business and really have everything I need, but I do have an obsessive personality, and I believe it's because i am desparately trying to distract myself from my true feelings. I do believe my brain is actually made 'faulty' - my mental/emotional default is emptiness/pointlessness. I've been obsessive for many years and am working on removing the obsessive behaviour that is actually dangerous or bad for me in some way (eg alcoholism, self harm - both removed, tho I do occasionally still think about harming), but I have to replace it with some obsessions that don't harm me or are even positive, like writing and painting, both of which I used to do years ago.
It's just such hard work having to distract myself from my true feelings all the time. I have to make myself 'do' stuff all the time, even if it's just watch a film or make a cup of tea, because if I allow my head to empty, BAM, I'm straight back to my default thinking about why we are here and there's no point to anything. Don't get me wrong, I'm not emotional about it, it doesn't make me want to cry or such, it just makes me think it doesn't really matter what we do, nothing matters, whether or not we break the law, fame means nothing, money means nothing, it doesn't matter who lives or dies, and so on and so on.
It's such hard work, I can never ever truly relax, I have to always be on my guard. It's exhausting.
Anyway, that's enough for now. I've got it out here, not sure how positive or productive it will be, but I've manged to get through another 20 minunte or so fairly painlessly. Thanks for reading.
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Well I'm pretty ancient :D
Z xx
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I am older than you but depression is no respecter of age, experience, income, class, status, etc! as we all well know. I do know exactly what you mean about marking time till death. At my lowest I have actually envied people who have died or had the courage to end their own lives. What an awful admission.
I am on a fairly even keel at present but I have been very low in the last few years despite having a very good husband and a mad cat! I don't think I could live without him (husband) and pray I die first.
And I well understand the fatigue that accompanies depression. I had it for ages, had blood tests done, always normal. I'd had breast cancer in 2005 and the GP put the fatigue down to that, but which comes first - the depression or the fatigue? Does the one cause the other? That awful feeling when you get out of bed that you just want to crawl back into it. Doctors don't really want to know, just hand out pills, but they have helped me I admit, and I still take them.
Must be miserable to be obsessive too but it's just another symptom of the depression. I have not had that, thank heavens, very slight OCD in that I have to check I've locked doors etc. but it hasn't taken over my life.
Sounds like you might benefit from something like yoga which forces you to do nothing at the time and be more contemplative, or talking to a therapist. Good luck.
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I agree totally, and could have written most of your post Subee, I'm in my 50's
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I am 48 next week and my depression hit me badly when I was 40 always been anxious since I can remember. Depression is not choosy and can hit anyone at anytime. S x x x x
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Jayfur - what you have written sums up much better what I tried to write last night (I'm 42). I am not living anymore, I am existing. I feel guilty for feeling like this and like you I am always just so tired. Everything is an effort and I get no joy or pleasure out of much anymore. I saw my therapist this morning - I wish I could say it helped and I feel much better, but I don't. She has suggested I go back into the Priory for a couple of weeks, or take a couple of weeks off work, but I'm too scared to do that as I don't know if I'll make it back a second time. I think of suicide multiple times a day, but whenever the thoughts creep in, I try and distract myself. I have also started self harming again - that is better than thinking about suicide.
Sorry, I didn't mean to highjack your thread, but know that you aren't alone out there.
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Hello, thank you all for your replies, it was very nice of you all to respond. I think someone said about yoga, I've thought about that sort of thing - not actual yoga because I have arthritis, and combined with my weight, it wouldn't be a very relaxing experience ;) But the post did encourage me to look for anything similar locally, and in fact I have found a 'health and wellness' kind of place that does loads of group meditations and healing and stuff like that, a lot of it is free too, I think it might be buddhist but if I can find some non-religious classes I might give it a go. So thank you for inspiring me to look into that :)
I am writing this at work, should really be getting on with stuff but I just can't find my 'get up and go', think it must have go up and went. I try to be nice to myself and give myself small goals, rather than beat myself up for not being Superwoman. I worry that my staff might think I am being lazy, and I certainly aren't going to tell them about my depression. I am just taking one day at a time and being the best I can for that day.
I am going to try and do some actual work now, catch you later. And thanks again to all of you for your nice replies :)
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I think that's a lot of our trouble we do try to be superwoman or superman. We ask to much of ourselves. Have you thought of swimming? Its a gentle exercise (I am limited as I have a problem with my back). Its very relaxing. Hope work goes ok today for you. S x x x x
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Meditation can help a lot, I meditate regularly _)_
I think even if its Buddhist run they wont push the religious aspect of it, I also find tai chi very worthwhile
Z xx
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I'm 50 and can relate to what you're going through right down to having arthritis and being overweight. My pets help me - have two dogs, a cat and two budgies - the dogs pick up on my mood and make me feel loved.
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Hi Guys, thanks for the nice posts again. Pip, yes, pets do help, my two doggies make me laugh a lot so they are very distracting from the cr*p inside my head. Shaz, I smiled when you suggested swimming, I have always said that's one thing that I love and it is very relaxing, I love to feel the cool water on my skin, I can empty my mind and kind of drift off while I am swimming, and nobody can see my body under the water so I don''t feel selfconscious. It's just getting off my bum and going there - when I get home, all I feel like doing is collapsing in front of a DVD. But I am optimistic that I will be able to do that soon - I am actually due for a gastric bypass next month, so that will mean a) I will lose weight and so feel less physically tired and so more motivated, and b) I won't be able to snack and snack in an addictive way (it goes with the addictive watching of DVDs for hours at a time), so I will HAVE to find other addictions - it would be great if swimming became one of them. I don't mean like five hours a day, but if I could go 3 or 4 times a week for half an hours plodding up and down the pool (I'm not a very good swimmer but I do enjoy it). I know it would be really good for me.
So...today is another day. I feel a bit better today. Still tired, but the cr*p inside my head is more distant. I might take the rest of the aft off and go browse the local charity shops, not done that for ages. Then go home and play with my doggies :) I think I have to take one day at a time, just do the best I can for that day and believe that is good enough.
Take care all, I'm gonna try and do some happy stuff now :)
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I agree totally, and could have written most of your post Subee, I'm in my 50's
It's not a productive way to live is it?
I don't work so don't have that stress but conversely don't have the occupation and social interraction work provides. Husband is out of the house 12 hours a day so I get quite lonely.
Anyway, could be a lot worse. Could be in Syria or Afghanistan!
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That's what I do I swim for a half hour 3 times a week. You are right taking one day at a time and just do what you can. S x x x x
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I am older too, 50 this year. I have lurked here for around 3 months since I had my "breakdown" but have been too shy to post. I have held down full time work for 34 years and now find myself without a job or any confidence. Just wanted to say Jayfur that I do relate to your post.
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Sorry, I've got no right to jump in as I'm male, but so much of your initial words seemed to resonate. I just wanted to register oh, I don't really know, but your statement carries. There are so many things I can't get out, and I hope that it's OK to say when someone has had the strength to articulate bits of what I'm not able to. If I have transgressed some boundaries here, please let me know, so I can amend my behaviour.
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What lovely posts, all of you, thank you :) Firstly Michael, you haven't transgressed any boundaries and you have every right to post here, sounds like you've been hurt/bullied in your past, well done for posting and you are welcome to keep doing so xxx Catlover, a big WELL DONE for having the confidence to post, that makes me feel wonderful that my post has encouraged you, it's all good :) Been through that horrible place with no job or confidence, if you live anywhere near west Yorkshire I am looking for seasonal staff, just let me know if that might help you. Shaz, good to know you also swim, it encourages me to think about committing myself to that. Think I mentioned I am due a gastric bypass in a month's time, once I am over that and getting used to the changes in eating et, I will deffo be making some decisions on what good addictions (!) I will be bringing into my life.
When you've got the tiredness that often comes with depression, it's soooooo hard to get motivated. That's why I am currently sitting at my desk typing this when I have a shedload of work I could be doing, including preparing to sell at a show tomorrow, I have to get my gazebo and tables out, start filling boxes with stock and loading the car, etc etc....and here I sit, slumped over my keyboard doing sod all. Hey ho. I know I will get myself sorted out for tomorrow, it's just getting off my arse and doing it. I have someone to interview at 1.30pm today as well, have to try and wake up and present a professional front, ho ho ho.
Ok, gonna try and get on with something now. Thanks again for all your lovely posts xxx
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Michael ~ don't see any reason why you shouldn't join in !+_
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hi
I had a gastric bypass in 2005 was the best thing i did lost 11stone am now a size 8, i still have depression and battle daily with feelings of worthlessness and am constantly hurting mentally that noone likes me and how bad a person i am but i also hold down a full time job and noone there noes i suffer like i do, i also have compulsive habits it was eating then shopping at the moment i havent got one and am feeling lost (stupid i no) but i get very agitated when im not doing something and then find it hard to stay downstairs have to keep going to my bedroom (dont no why) but i do no i will come out of it again and be normal for a while.
good luck with your bypass any questions just ask im an old hand at it now lol
BIDDIE +-_
ps im 48 as well
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Jayfur and Pip, thank you both so much for your encouraging words.