Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: willows on August 08, 2012, 07:00:12 PM
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I have managed to carry on working whilst living with depression, in fact I think it is what has kept me going even though it has been a huge struggle. I have a very supportive line manager who has had family members who have suffered from depression so has some understanding. However, she is currently on annual leave and I had to discuss a project I am working on with her line manager today, who I know has been made aware of my problems.
He gave me a lecture on needing to find the confidence to get on with the project as I see fit. I tried to explain that at the moment I don't have much confidence in my own abilities and don't always trust my own judgement so it was important to me to run things by him/ my line manager which he seemed to understand at the time but he has just emailed me reiterating that I have to find the confidence to deal with the project on my own.......he just doesn't understand how impossible that sounds right now.
Now I am sitting here feeling rock bottom with thoughts of capability proceedings and such like. I have tried my hardest to carry on working and in fact have not taken a single day off sick even though there have been many days when going to work has taken every ounce of effort I could muster. Don't know if I can do it any more.......exhausted, tearful, scared :'(
I don't want to give up but I don't feel I can cope anymore
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That seems very unfair, when does your own line manager get back? %^% xx
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It does seem very unfair. Well done for carrying on working. *)*.
S x x x x
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She is back next week which feels like a lifetime at the moment.
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Feel for you, it's really not a fair way to be treated.
Xxx
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Really can't cope any more. I know I have been lying to myself and my doctor every time she asks me if I have had any thoughts of harming myself or ending my life I always say no because I feel ashamed that I could even think about it. But the truth is, I do think about it....I try to work out how I can die in way that will be seen as accident and not deliberate as I think, rightly or wrongly, my kids would handle that better.For example, I was tempted to swerve in front of an on coming lorry when I was on my bike but all it achieved was that even the thought of doing it brought on a very public panic attack. I haven't been out on my bike since. I don't think I will have the courage to act on my thoughts but it scares me that I am even thinking that way.....I feel guilty even writing this down when I have my kids to keep going for.
A lecture from one person at work and I feel like it has tipped me over the edge..........feels like there is only one way out right now....sorry for rambling on
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Hang in there Willow. %^%
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I think you should consider telling your doctor willow xxx
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Every time I see my doctor I intend to tell her but every time I can't tell her..........scared to admit it. This is the first place I have admitted it to anyone.
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Its not easy, the first time I told my GP I just said I was having dark thoughts and he understood what I meant and took my depression much more seriously.
Z xx
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It's very hard, it took me months to come out with some things and others are still hidden inside me.
Xxx
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I am already on anti-depressants and start CBT though the mental health team in a couple of weeks so admitting it to the doc is not going to change anything but I still don't think I could voice my thoughts to her
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Need to go to bed as I have to be up at the crack of dawn for work but my mind is racing and I so anxious I can't stay still and my heart is racing so I know I won't sleep. Need an end to all this. If I do get to sleep I hope I won't wake up in the morning...
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*)* for you willows. S x x x x
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Scared and so alone :'(
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So sorry you feel this way %^% for you. S x x x x
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I have made a doctors appointment for next Thursday (it was the first I could get). I plan to be more honest with her but I don't know if I will actually be able to.
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Its not easy %^%
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Glad you have made an appointment. Could you maybe write things down and then you could just hand this to your Dr? S x x x x
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I might have to do that. It would have helped if I could have got an appointment for tomorrow...a week means I will worry over and over and over in my head about not being able to say anything and will stress over all the different outcomes the appointment could have depending on whether I find the courage to tell her or not adding to my anxiety. I feel like my mind is in a complete fog of disturbing thoughts that I can't shake off.....just want it all to end :'(
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%^% Willows. I know how hard it is. I have been where you are now. Did you say how urgent it is? Maybe if you ring again and tell them its urgent you could be seen earlier. It is a long time to wait and worry. S x x x x
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At my surgery you have to see the same gp all the time if it is for mental health issues and she doesn't have any earlier appointments. Don't feel I could claim it is urgent as weeks have gone by already without me saying anything to her so I don't know how I would explain that I suddenly considered it to be urgent. I am sure there are many more people much more deserving of an urgent appointment than me
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I think we all feel this way. But I am sure she would understand. People with depression do hold things back. I know I did. It just seems such a long time for you to worry. S x x x.
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Hardest day ever at work on Friday. I had to attend a huge event with thousands of members of the public attending. I was my worst nightmare and I completely failed in being able to carry out my duties. Living with depression is affecting my ability to do my job so much and my job is what has always kept me going........without it I don't think I would ever get out of bed. When I am well I absolutely love my job but now I am paralised with fear that I will loose it......... thoughts of ending it all are taking over my mind every waking minute.......I can't think of anything to keep me going :'(
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That was really awful for you. But with the right meds and help you will be alright. Depression is a truely awful illness. It takes so much from us. Keep fighting willows. You have your dr's appointment this week, try doing as I suggested and write down how bad you are feeling so you can let your Dr know just how badly this is affecting you ((((big hugs)))). S x x x x
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Thanks Shaz. I have tried to write down how I feel but I keep shredding the pieces of paper when I think of actually handing it to my Dr. I am scared to admit my thoughts but I am also scared of living with them.
So, so low today.....so anxious about work tomorrow and the possibility that I will let my team down again like I did Friday. They deserve better.
Letting everyone down. Better for everyone if I am not here
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Its really hard to tell our doctors how we truly feel but it is necessary so we can get the help we need %^% xxx
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Can't sleep again. Can't stop worrying about work in the morning. Have to be up in a few hours.Need this all to end.
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I haven't slept more than a couple of hours a night for the last five days. Scary thoughts in the night, planning how to end it all. Barely functioning at work.........better for everyone if I was not here anymore
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Oh Willows (((((big hugs))))) for you. S x x x x
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Enough is enough.can't face another sleepless night . want to go to sleep and never wake up
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have you anything you can take to get some decent sleep?
Z xx
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No. I have a doctors appointment in the morning. Don't really want to go down the sleeping tablet route but I can't carry on like this. Don't know if I can take sleeping tablets and anti-depressants at the same time
Looking at the contents of my medicine cabinet and want to take everything in it so I do sleep forever
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really hope it goes ok tomorrow Willows. S x x x x
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I don't think I have the fight left in me to make it to tomorrow
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Please try Willow. You need help to get through this. S x x x x
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Willow,
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, I've been there. Please try to hold off giving up and make it through to seeing your doctor tomorrow. When you do ask him/her about anti-d's that also help you sleep, there are a few. Sleep doesn't cure depression but can make you a bit more prepared to face the horror of it all. Hang in there please..
xx
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I was on mitazapine up until 5 weeks ago which did help me sleep to a degree but I had to change to a different med and sleep has just gone out of the window since then. this is my 3rd different anti-depressant now and nothing seems to be workin and now i can't sleep either . Don't think anything is going to work
only one way out
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Willows don't give up. It took several changes to get the right one for me. I was ready to give up too. But now I am on the right meds I am so much better. S x x x x
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Want to end it all but the thought of what it will do to my kids is stopping me.I need to see the doctor before even thinking of my kids isn't enough to keep me going and I know it will happen.
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%^% for you. You can fight this for yourself and your children. Depression is so cruel. S x x x x
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You definitely need to see your doctor
Z xxx
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Been to docs. She has prescribed Temazepam but has told me only to take it one or twice a week when I really desperately need to sleep. Was honest with her for the first time about wanting to end it all. She wants to see me in a couple of weeks after I have started cbt and if that doesn't seem to be helping she is going to refer me to a psychiatrist.
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That sounds a good way forward willows xxx
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Tamezepams good, I take it when I need to, normally knocks me out for 5-6 hours and leaves me feeling calmer the next day.
Hope they work for you. Xxxx
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Good luck with your new meds.
Hopefully it'll curb your anxiety.
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Glad you went. Hope the temazepam helps and also glad that you told her how you have been feeling. S x x x x
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I have picked up my prescription for temazepam but part of me is too scared to take it as I have to be up early for work in the morning and I am worried about how I will be in the morning but the other half of me is screaming out for sleep and a night free is dark thoughts........
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Could you take half a dose?
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Do you think I would still sleep on half a dose? I have never taking Tamazepam before so I really don't know what to expect.
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I was the same when I was prescribed Clonezepam. I would take just half the dose. Try it and see how you go tonight. It just calms you. Its not scary. Take care. S x x x x
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I take Tamazepam, I was scared the first time, but its ok. They say to take it and ensure that you get a clear 8 hours sleep. I could always wake up in the morning and would just feel nice and calm.
how many mg are the tablets?
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10mg
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Thats the same as mine. I tool mine about an hour to an hour and a half before I wanted to go to sleep, they took a bit longer than claimed. The next day I just felt calmer, sunny day sort of calm.
xxx
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I couldn't bring myself to take it last night because I had to be up early for work today but I should have given it a try because last night was a living he hell. I want today to be over so I can take the first tablet and get rest and some release from increasingly scary thoughts.
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So hope today goes quickly for you. Try the tablet tonight and I hope it gives you some release from your pain. Take care. S x x x x
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Going to take the tablet tonight. Want to take the whole packet so I never wake up again but I can't cope with the thought of my kids finding me
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%^% hope the tablets help you rest and sleep. Thinking of you. S x x x x
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Hope you sept well xxxx
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I actually got some decent sleep last night. I did wake up several times but fell back to sleep quickly. Feel a bit groggy this morning but grateful for a night free from hell. My doc has told me to only take them once or twice a week though when I am desperate for sleep so it is only a reprieve for one night.
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Glad you got some sleep, insomnia is awful %^% xxx
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Had enough can't take any more
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You have been very brave. Please find the strength to get through another night. Please let those who care about you help. (Please feel free to tell me that I'm a simplistic fool.)
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Hang in there willows xxxx
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Please keep fighting willows %^%. S x x x x
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another night in hell. my doctor has told me to call the out of hours mental health helpline when I am having thoughts of ending it all in the night she says it will help me get the support i need but i cant cope with talking to faceless strangers about my biggest failure in life so far.
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Hi Willows
I found the Tamazepan took a few nights to start working.
If you phone the mental health line they might send someone out, that's what happens in my area, if they think it is necessary.
Xxx
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so little sleep again last night how is only taking tamazepam once or twice a week going to help. Banging headache, feel sick and upset stomach this morning. need to feel better as i have to be a work for 1 o'clock.
Feel so desperately low today but have to put on a front for my precious daughter who is waiting for results from a biopsy for suspected cancer. don't know how i am going to be strong for her if the results are not good. i need to be well NOW but all my mind wants to focus on is finding a way out. how selfish does that make me :'(
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willows, try not to beat yourself up as depression can be hard to live with plus you're trying to be brave for your daughter. I know it's easier said than done %^%
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:'(
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Insomnia = hell. My mind will not switch off and let me sleep. So anxious and scared of where my mind is taking me.
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I think it would be best to make another appointment with your GP to see what other help you could get or to see if you can take the Tamazepam a little more often.
Xxx
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I think Buttercup is right xxx
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I agree. You can not go on without sleep. S x x x x
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Have been awake now for 26 hours .been in a very low place overnight....still am. working a late shift today so won't get home from work much before 11pm. hopefully will be so tired then I will crash out. too worried about how addictive tamazapam is to want to see if i can take it moreoften. if i could Switch my brain off at night and stop over thinking everything i am sure I would be able to sleep but how to switch of I dont know. switching off permanently may be my only choice
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Tamazepam is very additive, which is why you should speak to your GP but I took mine more often than a couple of times a week with no probs.
Xxxx
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By the time i finished work on Tuesday i had been awake for 44 hours and the driving home felt so dangerous as i couldnt concentrate but still couldnt get to sleep when i got in so took a tamazepam. I struggled to get up yesterday to be back at work for 11am and felt groggy and spaced out. As the day went on my mood lifted and I felt quiet good by the afternoon and a colleague even commented that she hadn't seen me so cheerful for a long time!. When i finished my shift at 9pm i started to worry that i wouldnt sleep again and I was right. another night of next to no sleep, over thinking everything, dark dark thoughts. no work today so no motivation to get out of bed. in a bad place today so going to try and stay safe under my duvet.
dont really want to ask my gp about taking tamazepam more often because I think I would find it too easy to rely on them
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Try taking half of one to avoid he groggy feelings the next moning xxx
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Hi Zaf
I am going to try taking half because apart from anything, the way I see it is that means i can take it more often as well. another sleepless night last night. very low today.
thank you for all your support on here
Willows x
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I hope it works for you Willows, hope you feel better very soon xxx
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I used to do the same. I had Clonazepam and would just take half. Hope it helpa. S x x x x
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cant concentrate on anything, in a very scary place tonight
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(((( hugs )))) Willows. Has something happened to make you feel this way? S x x x x
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How are you this morning Willows?
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I ended up taking a tamazapam at 1.30 this morning just so i could escape my mind. had to fight not to take the whole pack. feeling anxious and agitated this morning
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%^%
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Sorry you're having such a tough time %^%
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Finally starting CBT this afternoon.
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Great! Hope it goes well!
Let us know how you find the session.
%^%
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Hope it helps
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Me too xxx
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Best wishes. &(*
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CBT went ok but i am not sure how much it is going to help at the moment. got upset a couple of times which i didnt want to do. have some reading to do before next session but no 'homework' this week....not that i was sure what she meant by 'homework'.
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Received good news yesterday about my daughter's biopsy results so I should be feeling good today but I am not. the cloud of waiting for the results has been hanging over us for weeks and i am so relieved that things aren't as bad as they could have been but i am feeling lower today without this cloud...it doesnt make sense...why cant i just be happy. knowing that i am not going to have to support my daughter through a cancer battle feels like I have been given the green light for me to end it all. in a bad place today
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I'd think the stress waiting for the results has made you feel so low even a good outcome cant make much difference, its a really horrible feeling :(
Z xxx
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Don't beat yourself up or expect that you should feel a certain way. Feeling bad because you 'should' feel better, makes it worse.
Try to distance yourself from that thinking - I know it's difficult. But try to think 'It is what it is'. You have a lot more going on than your daughter's biopsy results and you can't expect one element in your life to be the only factor for how you're feeling.
(And sometimes, there don't seem to be any actual factors or 'reasons' for how we feel).
%^%
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Can't face being here anymore. No more fight left in me.
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Is there someone you can talk to, Willows? Maybe Samaritans? They are really lovely, just so nice to talk to an anonymous person, and just let it all out.
Hope you're feeling better this morning
%^%
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willows, I'm sorry that you feel so dreadful. *() Please take care of yourself. Best wishes. Always.
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Willows (((( hugs)))) I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Thinking of you. S x x x x
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How are you doing Willows. We are here to listen.
*)*
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Very bad day at work. Kept breaking down in tears. going to take a tamazapam tonight as I don't think i would make it through another night like last night
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Dear Willows, I hope that you have an untroubled and refreshing night's sleep. Best wishes.
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Hope the Tamazapam helps you to get a good nights sleep. Take care. S x x x x
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Aw Willows I'm so sorry to hear that.
I hope you have a good night's rest. Sending you positive vibes!
*&*
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Willows ~ if you get that bad please ring the Samaritans and it is okay to off load here. If necessary I will move the thread to Our Private Space if you want to open up but in a private area so visitors can't read the thread. I have changed your primary membergroup to Karma Group so you can see the private board.
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thank you everyone for all your words of support, i don't deserve them
got some sleep with the tamazapam but only 6 hours. i woke up a few times but fell back to sleep quickly. woke up very anxious, very low mood and feeling groggy but I have to be at work at 1pm today so i need to try and find some motivation although I feel panicky that I won't hold it together again at work today. want to crawl back under my duvet and shut myself away from the world but i know if i don't go to work I will have given up completely which looks like my easiest option at the moment. i am a burden to my work colleagues and my family . a waste of space. everyone would be better off without me :'(
rambling on.sorry
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Hi Willows
Of course you deserve our support! You deserve to be helped and encouraged. Everyone does.
You are doing SO well.
We are all only human, and it is OK that we have times in our lives when we struggle. We can't be perfect and hold it together all the time. Most of the time it feels like I hardly ever "have it together".
You are being so brave. It may not feel like it but you are. Trust me.
Do your colleagues/ employers know what you're up against?
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My line manager knows and is very supportive but I worry all the time that I cause her too many problems because I am also on restricted duties and stuck in the office at the moment instead of out and about doing what i am supposed to be doing due to be unable to walk any distance at the moment due to foot problems that are being treated.I constantly fear being called to a capability hearing although my manager has tried to assure me that she has no concerns at the moment. some of my colleagues know but i dont think they really understand. being stuck in the office because of my foot is not what I need at the moment because it feeds my feelings of uselessness, that I am not pulling my weight and that I am a failure at work as well as in the rest of my life although I also worry that when my foot starts to improve and I can get out for short periods will i have the confidence to face members of the public again. i feel like my life is in a bubble at the moment and i am scared that it might burst and i won't be able to cope. at this moment in time i want to end it all before the bubble bursts but I don't even seem to have the courage to do that properly
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You are doing well to get to work. It must be very hard for you to do this. Depression is so cruel. Please take care. S x x x x
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Don't worry yourself too much about when your foot is better and getting back out there with members of the public.
I'm sure that once your foot starts feeling better, and you can get more out & about, you will feel a bit better generally too and you may feel 'in a better place' anyway.
"Let tomorrow worry about itself"
It's great that you have your line manager's support. You are doing really well, handling this, Willows. It may not feel like it for you, but you are.
I get that 'bubble' feeling too - it is quite scary. Call someone if it feels like it is bursting. Or post on here. You are not alone!
*()
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home from a long day at work.held it together better than yesterday but not great. i am so tired but i know i wont sleep and i cant take a tamazapam tonight so it is going to be a long night. no one to talk to and i cant call the samaritans beacuse i have a friend who is a samaritan and I would be too scared that it would be her who answered. i dont have anyone else. dont want to burden people with my thoughts
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Dear willows, you've done amazingly well to get through the day as you have. I have slept through most of the day, so I doubt whether I'll be sleeping very soon either. I'm sure that if you need to ring Samaritans they are trained to respect your anonymity, and it's acceptable to ask whether anyone else is available if you should recognise your friend's voice. Anyway, you must be very proud of the way you are handling things. *() Please take care. Best wishes.
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no words can say how i feel today. i'm done
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When next are you seeing someone, Willows? I'm sure that it will be at least some relief to see someone.
Hang in there, you are being so strong.
*()
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no words can say how i feel today. i'm done
Willows please hang in there, your doing great, and we are all here for you +-_
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Don't want to be here anymore but the guilt of what it would do to my children is getting in the way
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%^% Willows, I really hope things improve for you.
S x x x x
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seeing someone from the mental health team tomorrow.
thank you for all your messages sorry i am no use at supporting anyone else right now
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That's alright willows, allowing us to support you and encourage you, helps us too.
I hope you are managing today; if not - keep posting. I am thinking of you and sending good vibes!
I'm glad you're seeing someone tomorrow. It will be a relief to talk to them I'm sure.
*)*
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willows, YOU are very important. Please take the support and comfort you can from the people here. *() You certainly deserve it. Best wishes.
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not good.dont know what to say cant put it in words
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It isn't always easy to put feelings into words. I hope that the person from the Mental Health team will be able to help you tomorrow. Thinking of you. +-_ Stay safe.
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Feel for you willows, I know when I am bad I am also unable to put how I feel into words. I am sure they will understand. Hope they can give you the help and support you need %^%.
S x x x x
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In a dark place. Night time is hell
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Need help to get through tonight
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I know the feeling right now hunni...... -_)
I always sit watching this forum at night...but no one is here at this time! I know we could call the samaritans, even just to chat...but feel a fool doing that, and why should i bother wasting their time! (even tho deep down we know we're not)
Haven't slept in my own bed for weeks (sofa), too scared to go and lie down in silence, and let my mind run riot!
Sorry, it may not seem like I'm helping...but just to let you know someone is out there feeling exactly the same right now...you're not alone
If I could reach out and hug you now I would... In desperate need to have a hug too
%^% !+_ $%$ %^% !+_ $%$ %^% !+_ $%$ %^% !+_ $%$ %^% !+_ $%$ %^% !+_ $%$
*() *() *() *() *() *() *() *() *() *() *() *() *() *() *()
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My mind runs away with me at night. Scary place to be. (((Hug))) for you to.
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Thanx *()
It's worse at night for me, but whenever I'm alone off it sprints!
I know what you mean when you can't put it into words.... feels like my brain and feelings are numb, but my mind is going 10 to the dozen constantly...and I don't know what it's trying to tell me! Can't focus on one thought unless it's about leaving this place! Feels like I could explode.
But I go and watch my daughter sleeping for a few minutes and that helps for a while... just think.... 'i made her' I'm amazing, she's perfect!
I've fallen asleep in her room before, too scared to leave and let the really scary thoughts come back... maybe that would help you?
It's good you're seeing someone, wish i had someone other than my doc...I wish you the best of luck with it..if you dont know what to say...just blurt out the first words that pop into ur head, however random...then I'm sure they'll understand what ur trying to say.. and it'll take a bit of weight off!
%^% %^%
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Sorry Cat but can't string a replt together. Bad place very scared
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been in a very bad place the last few days so havent been around. have been referred to see a psychiatrist. a waiting game now
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%^% Wilows, hope the appointment comes through soon for you.
S x x x x
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Me too %^% xxx
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I hope that the appt. is soon. Best wishes.
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dont know how to say how i am feewling tonight..dont think i can go on anymore
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So tired but wide awake. stuff going over and over in my mind
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%^% Willows, hope you managed to get some sleep.
S x x x x
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so scared that I have reached a place where I need to be referred to a psychiatrist. how did i end up so low and messed up. my life is not worth living. trying to find a way out
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I know how scared I was when I was referred. But they were lovely and changed my medication. Now I am much better. I do hope you can get the help you deserve and need. S x x x x
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willows, your life is worth so much. *() You are in a dreadful place at the moment, but things can get better. Please try to find the strength to carry on, and accept any help that you can get. And please believe me - you are very important, as are all the people who post here. Please take care. I hope that you manage to get a decent night's rest. %^%
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I was scared when I was referred as well, in fact I had a panic attack in front of the doctor, but as Shaz says they were lovely.
Xxx
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Willows I can completely relate.
When I was put on meds I thought I had failed my whole life and failed everyone - surely a good, healthy, deserving person would be fine in life and not needs meds? I must be broken? That's what was going through my mind.
But the meds help and it is so important to see someone who knows what they are doing. A psychiatrist should be even better because they have specialised in this field, and you're not just seeing a GP but an expert, who can help you get well.
Don't beat yourself up about this. We are all only human. Needing medication for depression, anxiety, or anything else relating to mental health, does not make you any less 'worthy' or a 'messed up' than someone who needs to take blood thinners for cholesterol or medication for high blood pressure, or diabetes.
You are worthy, you are important, and many people love and care for you. I know, that in time, you will remember that you also love yourself too. It took me a while to re-remember that for myself too.
Hang in there - you're doing the right thing seeing the psychiatrist.
Keep posting here to let us know how you're doing. We want to support you.
*)*
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thank you all for your supportive posts. sorry but i don't have the words to say anything right now :'(
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Dont worry, we are all here for you when you do *)*
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You deserve to start feeling better %^%
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I second what Zaf said - we are here for you %^%.
S x x x x
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still don't know when i
will see the psychiatrist. had a cbt session today.my third session amd i just don't get it at the moment. she asked me if i was a risk to myself today...what was i supposed to say to that..i don't think i could actually end my life but i think about it, plan it....how do i know when i might actually do it...i think i am a risk to myself but i said i wasn't because i haven't managed it so far. does that make sense?
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In a very low place tonight. it has been a very tough week for too many reasons. can't face the thought of going to bed tonight because i can't switch of and cant stop going over and over everything.
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%^%
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((((( hugs ))))). S x x x x
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Thinking of you. %^%
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I hate who I have become. BeTter for everyone if I am not here anymore so I am not a burden.
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willows, you are somebody who is suffering at the moment. You haven't suddenly become someone different. You have always been a WHOLE person, with different facets. The people who care about you want to see and hear from the whole you. You're not a burden, because you share, and that's what this site is all about. I hope that you manage to get some sleep tonight. *&* Best wishes. Michael
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I had horrible suicidal thoughts and felt embarrassed admitting that to my doctor. I think it's difficult admitting you really need support and help.
Is there a family member you could confide in?
I managed to tell my sister and she came to the gp with me. If I didn't feel I could tell the doctor, she would tell him for me.
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i have started this post so many times and deleted it because it doesn't make sense. i have so many mixed up thoughts goinfg around in my head i can't sort them out enough to say what i want to.
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%^%
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(((( hugs )))) for you Willows. S x x x x
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We're all with you Willows xx
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Willows, remember it's the illness making you think like that, not the real you. Depression will make you feel you are a burden and would be better off dead, but this is NOT true, it's the illness talking!! Please hang on there, with the right medication and support you will be back to your happy self before you know it. You will be so pleased you beat this too I promise you.
Think of your kids, they love you and need you.
Tell your wife to phone your closest mental hospital so they can have you seen by an emergency psychiatrist who can then prescribe you some sleeping tablets and sedatives to help you feel more rested and able to face things better.
I am sending you a warm hug, remember, we understand what we are going through and know there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, hang on there!!
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Hi Bookletters, i am actually a single mum so no other half to help me. I have anti-depressants (Paroxatine) and sleeping tablets sleeping tablets (tamazapam) but nothing seems to help me get better. i am beyond help. wiaitng for a psychiatrist appointment but dont know when it will be or if i will make it that far. hard to even focus on still being here for breakfast tomorrow let alone an unknown future appointment.
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Hi Willows,
Poor you, that sounds really tough. I know the feeling of having to take it one day at a time and it's tough.... Do you have friends and family who can come look after you and your little ones?
AD sometimes take ages to work... My new meds (citalopram) certainly took ages to kick in and even now I am getting better soooo slowly it's very frustrating (or rather I make huge improvements in two days when I think I am close to being out of the woods, then I reach a plateau and feel like they're not working anymore when in fact the general trend is upwards....).
Maybe your GP needs to try a new treatment or you need to give your AD more time to work?
Docs say 6-8 weeks but with my new meds it's taken me lots longer than that to start seeing an improvement...
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You should read Sally Brampton's "Shoot the damn Dog".... she had severe treatment resistant depression and even massive doses of sleeping tablets didn't help her sleep... but she managed to beat the illness and stay well and happy. Is she can do it, you can!!
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Thinking of you Willows, and sending hugs %^%
I know it can tough to think about functioning in the everyday life - it can seem insurmountable.
Hang in there. You are doing so well. You are being so brave. I take my hat off to you *()
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I agree Willows, you can be really proud of yourself, you are doing incredibly well and are a fighter for sure!
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tired of fighting. no fight left in me.
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Things will get better Willows, give it time. You are so brave, keep it up xx
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Bad night. Very little sleep. most of the night spent trying to escape my own thoughts. feel very very anxious this morning. need to put on the 'I'm fine' face now for work. exhausting. can't do this much longer.
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(((( hugs )))) lack of sleep is awful. Hope work is ok for you. S x x x x. S x x x x
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Wow Willows, you are being so brave. I am lucky in that my job is quite undemanding at the moment - I don't know how I would cope. You are doing so well. You should pat yourself on the back.
Thinking of you & sending positive vibes!
*()
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really struggled to communicate today. my head is so messed up i cant sought out my thoughts all i know is that i am useful to no-one. manager wants to have a 1:1 tomorrow i need to sought myself out
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Aww willows. I feel for you.
Could also be the meds, giving a 'foggy' feeling to your thoughts?
Hope you have a restful night's sleep.
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So sorry you are feeling this way Willows (((( hugs )))) for you. S x x x x
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can't t talk again today. 1:1 with manager. feels like my job is slipping away from me. that really will be the end for me
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I do hope today goes ok for you. S x x x x
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I hope life starts improving soon %^%
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Thinking of you, willows
*()
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Still waiting to see the physciatrist but saw a lady from the mental health team today who said she will hurry it up.
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Really glad to hear that xxxxxxxxxxxx
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That's good, willows, that she'll speed it all up. Then you can get the support you need.
You're being so brave, without even realising it.
*()
Sending you hugs
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So glad to hear she is helping to speed your appointment up. Hope it comes through soon. S x x x x
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Hi willow,try and find someone to talk to about it,i know its difficult at times but it suprised me how getting things out in the open sometimes helped.I was in a the same situation with work a month ago,I would turn into work only to be a complete mess and no good to anyone and then i just walked out and went home,I cant take time off work like the doc wants me too as i am the only earner in our family so cant pay the bills if i dont work,I have been lucky so far as my gp has been very understanding and i have just started counseling.Please just hang in there,think about all the people that love and depend on you and get to your gp again and no matter how hard or strange it feels be honest with your doc,I am the worlds worst for talking to people and showing my emotions but i now know how important it has been for me to do it.I'm not cured in fact far from it and i know its going to be a long road with lots of pitfalls on the way,with medication and lots of help i will do it.Get as much help as you can,dont be embarresed or shy,you deserve the help and i wish you luck,you CAN do it.
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Thank you all for your words of encouragement but I am struggling to believe that I will ever feel better again. I Am not living anymore I am in a black hole and death is the only way out. I am trying to fight it but it seems to be the only thing I can focus on.
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My daughter took part in a charity race today and she asked me to go and support her which I very much wanted to do but it was such a struggle. The park was so crowded I felt panic as a soon as we entered the gate. She went off to register and I stood frozen to the spot. I wanted to flee to the safety of home. I fought the fight or flight feeling for my daughter's sake but I could not stop shaking the whole time I was there. I got home and took to my bed feeling totally exhausted.
I am feeling so anxious and low ths evening. How can something that should be so easy feel like such a hugely difficult thing to do.
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Dear Willows, I realise that it must be very difficult for you to think of this at such a difficult time, but you should be very proud of dealing with this for your daughter. You struggled and you were victorious! I hope that you are able to unwind eventually, and give yourself the praise you deserve. Wishes for a comfortable night. +-_
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I hate the night time. Wide awake but desperate for sleep, going over and over things in my mind. Been crying most of the day and night. Exhausted and had as much as I can takem
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My psychiatrist appointment is next Tuesday. Feel very unsure about seeing a psychiatrist but then I had to call the mental health out of hours line at 3am last night to distract me from acting on my worst thoughts so I know I need to see the psychiatrist but I am scared.
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Easier said than done but try not to worry about the Psychiatrist. I had a panic attack in front of the doctor when she told me that I was being referred. It turned out to be fine, the psychiatrist was lovely and put me at ease. I've seen her a few times since and I am very much part of my own care, we talk about med options and she listens to my concerns.
xxxxx
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Thank you for your reply Buttercup, it is reassuring. My fears are probably unfounded but I just never thought I would ever find myself needing to be referred to a psychiatrist. Bad times.
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It is a bit of a shock to the system when it happens.
Hopefully they'll be able to sort out your meds and then things will get easier. One thing I found is that the psychiatrists seem to just do the prescribing, talk therapy etc happens elsewhere.
xxxx
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Willows my heart goes out to you and I have been there I spent one night sitting in the rain crying hoping exposure would get me and it is hard to admit to feeling that you want to end it all, I have been there so many times and have always been scared to admit it and I dont know what keeps me going but hang on in there and I hope that you get some light into the darkness soon
T
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I remember crying when I got referred to the psychiatrist. But he was so good. Changed my meds and got me on the road to recovery. He understood everything I said. I do hope you get the help you need. S x x x x
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Driving to work yesterday I had a complete melt down and had to pull in to a car park half way to work. I called my manager to say I couldn't come in because I was unwell. I said it was because of the cold I currently have but she instantly realised I wasn't being totally honest with her and asked me to meet up with her away from our workplace. We met up and I fell apart in front of her but she was amazing. She knows a lot about my problems and knows that work has what has always kept me going so after we sat and talked for over an hour she convinced me to go in to work for a couple of hours and then go home because I had confessed to her that if I had gone home sick I don't think I would have gone back to work for a long time. In fact being totally honest with myself i would have seen it as my final and biggest failure and i belive it would have been the end of me. it was hard walking in to the office but I did it. I am not back on duty now until Saturday and I am sitting here worrying about how I am going to feel on Saturday. I can't go through feeling like that every time I go to work.
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How brave of you to admit how you felt to your manager and she does sound amazing. I know it is hard I used to worry my time off away from work about going back into it, but you did go back into the office and that was brave you sound and incredable person and I truly hope you get some light soon. *()
T xxx
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(((( hugs )))) its good to hear your manager is so understanding. S x x x x
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I'm glad you're getting support from your manager %^%
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I too am glad that you have a supportive manager %^%
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Just had a phone call asking me to come in on Monday for my psychiatrist appointment instead of Tuesday. Worried about why it has been brought forward. Can only think it is as a result of something I said to the mental health team lady on Wednesday or the mental health helpline I phoned in the early hours of the morning one night this week as they are all from the same team. It is strange because when I tried to change the Tuesday appointment they didn't have any appointments they said the only available appointments were too far in the future so why have i suddenly been called in Monday. I know I could be over thinking this but I am worried.
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It could be because of some other commitment willows but my mind would be doing the same :(
Z xx
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I to would be thinking the same. But I am sure its just that as Zaf says due to other commitments. S x x x x
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My mind would do the same but I'm guessing that something has come up on Tuesday & so moved appt to Monday. For any other reason I don't think they'd have left you over the weekend.
Xxxxx
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Oh willows %^% I'm just catching up on the forum and have read through your journal. So much of it is so familiar. You are doing so incredibly well, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
I agree with the others about your appointment. Maybe they had made a note that you would like an earlier appointment and then had a cancellation? Buttercup is right, they wouldn't leave it over the weekend i f it was for any other reason.
Xxx
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Thank you for all your replies. You may be right but I am not so sure.
To be honest the way I am feeling tonight I don't think it matters if it is Monday or Tuesday because I can't see how I am going to get through the weekend. Sitting here alone, crying, my mind is all over the place and I can only see one way to getting any peace from this living hell.
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Its so hard to believe right now I know, but it can get better willows. The pshyciatrist can prescribe medication that your GP can't... Whether it be something that you can take every night to get you off to sleep or a different anti depressant which may do the trick. This time next week things might feel completley different - I appreciate that a week may aswell be a lifetime, but you have kept battiling this for so long, its only a few more days and you have all of us here to help support you and fight this horrible illness together :vik:
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I need to leave the house now if I am going to get to work on time but I have the same feelings as Wednesday and don't think I can make it. Manager not in today so no one to call for support. If I don't go I have already started thinking about how it will my biggest failure ever and I fear what I will do to myself if I stay at home but I can't face falling apart at work which is what I know is going to happen. :'(
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Did you manage it willows?
It is not a huge failure, its not even a failure! Its in a way quite brave.... Its going 'I can't cope with this today and I need to look after myself'
Thinking of you xx
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Have made it in to work but cried all the way here. Want to hide away from everyone. Can't cope with speaking to anyone. Shouldn't have come in.
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%^% how long is your shift? xx
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10 hour shift today. Finish as 6pm.
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Ah :( would they let you go home? Surely they must be able to see that you are not up to working today? xx
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Made it trough the day. Cried in front of too many people, didn't achieve much, tired, stressed, useless, hopeless and it all starts again tomorrow morning for another early shift. Don't know if I have the strength to put myself through it all again.
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%^% I'm proud of you willows and you should be too, I know how unbelivably hard it is to get through a shift.
I have been thinking about you today and will again tomorrow, I hope it goes ok for you and that you find the stregnth xxx
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Well done for getting through your shift. It took courage to stay and you did it. I do so hope you get through todays shift ok. S x x x x
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Cried all the way in to work again and now sitting alone crying when I should be working. I keep pushing myself to come in so I don't give up but I am fooling no one, including myself, that I am capable of anything right now.
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Oh Willows I am so sorry. Please take care. You have your appointment tomorrow. I know you are not looking foward to it but they specialise in depression and will help you get through this (((( hugs )))). S x x x x
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Anxious more than I can explain tonight. Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow is really stressing me. I am taking a couple of hours out of my shift to go to it but I think I should probably have taken the day off because I am not sure how I will be when into back to work but i could not take the day off because I am hosting a public meeting in the evening which was going to be tough enough when I arranged it not knowing my appointment was going to be brought forward. The meeting was always going to be tough for me but it all seems so overwhelming with the psych appointment thrown in as we'll. I already know sleep is going to be impossible tonight but if I don't sleep the pain of wanting to end it all will be more unbearable than it is right now. This is all more than I can cope with.
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Sitting here shaking and crying. I really can't deal with today. Don't know how to make myself leave the house.
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%^%
What time is your appointment? I know its going to be hard but.please try and keep in mind that all a pshyciatrist will want to do is help you.
Thinking of you xxx
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Hope it went well Willow xxxxx
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The psychiatrist has changed my medication to Venlafaxine. I have to not take the paroxitine for two days then start on the new drug. He said I will need to be very kind to myself for the couple of days of no meds as I will feel awful! I am also going to be seeing a psychologist every week for two months and then he will review me at that stage. He was not happy about the way my medication had been changed three times in the space of the last seven months and stated that it wasn't surprising that I had felt so much worse over the last couple of months as my gp have taken me off a fairly high does of mitazapine and put me on a low dose of paroxitine which was simple not an adequate dose for severe depressive illness. I hope and prey that the new med will help.
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Hi
Glad to hear it went well ^-^ hopefully things will improve for you very soon.
I agree things will be tough for a few days. Just try not to push yourself and keep in mind that things will get better soon %^%
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Second day of no meds. Don't know how I am going to get through this.
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Dear Willows, I hope that things are getting a little easier for you. *() Thinking of you with best wishes. Michael %^%
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%^% %^%
Z xxx
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Desperate to fall asleep to get away from the thoughts going around and around in my head.
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%^%
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Having come of meds a couple of days ago to start a new one tomorrow I have crashed really badly today and yesterday. Dark thoughts and have been more than tempted to act on them which is why I have come on here now. I desperately need to distract myself. I have never felt so hopeless, scared and alone and I feel so dizzy I can barely stand up. shaking uncontrollably, crying and my heAd is pounding.
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%^% You've got so far. You should be really proud, because it is so painful, and yet you've kept going. %^% We're all rooting for you. I hope that you manage to get some peace tonight. Best wishes, always. +-_
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DespeRate to escape this hell
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You can make it Willows. *() We're here for you. Sending you restful thoughts. %^%
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You can do this Willow %^%
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The only thing I want to DO is swallow all the taBlets I have piled up in front of me but I have also gots a photo of my kids in my hands which is getting in the way
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Talking to the out of hours mjental health help line
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Please stay strong. *() Phoning the helpline was a good move. It's tomorrow that you start the new meds, isn't it? Have you got anything else planned? %^%
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Yes I am starting new meds the morning. Due to Start work at 10am. Struggling to see how I will make iT through tonight at the moment though.
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*() Well, it's very late to suggest a coffee, and that always puts me on edge anyway, but maybe making yourself a cup of tea might help. I sometimes find that just the gentle stirring can have a bit of soporiphic effect. Hmm is that the right word? Take it easy. Michael
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I hope that you're ok this morning Willows. I hope the new meds start to relieve your suffering soon. I have had a similar experience with having to come off meds quickly and know how hard this is for you.
Xxxxxx
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Feel so dizzy and shaky still this morning. Dark thoughts still with me this morning. I feel so awful I am too scared to swallow the first venlafaxine for fear that being the first time I have taken it it will make me feel worse.
I need to be at work for 10am but don't feel able to drive at the moment but if I don't go I will have given up my fight to keep going.
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Aww Willow hugs x
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(((( big hugs )))) Willows. Its horrible coming off meds. Thinking of you. S x x x x
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*() How has today been? *() I hope that you have a better night tonight. %^%
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Cut my arms last night. It gave me a few minutes of distraction from the pain in my head but feel so distraught today that I did it.
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Willow %^% %^% %^%
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Dear Willows *() Thinking of you. Take care. %^%
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Possibly had the worst week of my life. Now going to be seeing the psychiatrist every week and work are saying they may force me to take sick leave even though my psychiatrist is saying it is vital to my recovery that I carry on working. Occupational health agree that I am able to work but my immediate managers are not happy with that and they have the ultimate say. So distressed.
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*() %^%
what ever they decide, don't be harsh on yourself. you have an illness , it isn't your fault your ill.
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Thinking of you Willows %^% Xxx
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%^% for you Willows. S x x x x
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I hope you fight thru this! %^%
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*() Best wishes.
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Been allowed to stay at work for the moment but only allowed to work day shifts and if I show any signs of being upset or unstable I will be taken home or to a&e as decided by my managers. I am very upset about all this and felt as though I was being watched every minute of the day yesterday. I don't think I can carry on like this but if I give up and go off sick which is what they really want I know I will have nothing to get out of bed for and my urge to end it all will be more of a battle than it is now.
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I also should have said thank you to you all for your messages.
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The place I have received most support throughout my illness has been work but after everything that has happened in the last week I feel as though I have no support from anyone and I feel totally a broken about this. I have made such a mess of everything
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Dear Willows, YOU have not made a mess of anything. You are suffering from this damnable illness. It sounds as if the different people at work are trying to care for you, but not quite in a joined up way. I'm sure that they would like you to feel better, and hopefully they can get their act together to better support you without you feeling on trial every second. Best wishes. %^%
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Psychiatrist appointment this morning. He doubled my dose of venlafaxine and said I should be getting my first appointment with the psychologists team this week or next. Still seeing psychiatrist very regularly as well. His letter of referral to the psychology team stated I was suffering with 'combat fatigue' which I found a strange choice of words but apparently I have been through so many huge personal battles it was inevitable that at some point I had to break! I wish I could believe him when he says I will get better but I just don't know how at the moment :(
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You have fought so long and hard, but nobody can be strong ALL the time. You have done so well, but one moment of hesitation doesn't mean that you have to start from the beginning. I hope that you can see the positives in the things you have achieved so far. The way the psych said, "through so many huge personal battles" shows that you fight through to the other side, so it sounds very positive to me. (I hope that I'm making sense to you, because I'm thinking that this sounds a bit... po-faced?) Be kind to yourself. %^% Best wishes and hugs. Michael
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Dear Michael, thank you so much for your words of support. I don't know how you do it when you are suffering yourself. I never seem to be able to find the right words to offer support to anyone at the moment. Take care. Willows.
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Hi Willows. There have been times that I've felt really awful, and luckily someone from the forum has been here. They either give invaluable advice, or when they post about how they're feeling, it sometimes lets me know that I'm not alone. You have always helped me. I know that you are there, and hearing from you makes the day seem a little less lonely. %^%. Thank you for your kindness. Best wishes. Michael
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Dear Michael, thank you so much for your words of support. I don't know how you do it when you are suffering yourself. I never seem to be able to find the right words to offer support to anyone at the moment. Take care. Willows.
willows, you don't have to try and find the words to support others because you are helping others by being honest about how you feel. You never know when someone will read your posts and relate to them so they will know they're not alone %^%
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I agree, Willows is helping me a LOT, I think "you are not the only one going through this and Willows's psychiatrist said you will get better so maybe that means I will too".
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I have found being at work so hard this week after being told that if I appear upset or unstable I will be taken home or to a&e. I am having to put on the pretend happy face with absolutely everyone including the people that have previously been very supportive. It is exhausting and I feel as though I am going to end up having a huge melt down at work if I have to carry on this way. I am keeping to myself at work because if I engage in conversation with even the colleagues I consider to be friends I am scared that if I start to feel tearful and am seen by a manager I will be out of the building. I can't take this pressure. Maybe I should just give up like they want.
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I understand why you want to carry one working and think its very brave of you, but to stop and take a bit of sick leave would not be giving up it would just be the same as if you had to take time off for any other illness.
Xxxxxx
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I understand what you are saying Buttercup but even my psych agrees that I should carry on working because it is one of the few positive things in my life. When I am we'll I love my job and even when I am not it is still enough to get me out of bed in the mornings and give me some focus. That's why I feel so strongly about carrying on. I need a reason to get up!
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After the effort of holding it together the whole week at work I completely fell apart on the way home tonight. I had a panic attack and cried uncontrollably for a couple of hours. I really can't see any way out of this pain except death. It will be a release. I'm done :'(
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No willows, please don't listen to the illness telling you this. You will be back to your happy self before you know it. Please, please don't let the illness win, don't listen to it!
You just need to be gentle and kind to yourself, we are all here to support you.
Sending you a big hug *()
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I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad Willows. *() You have done amazingly well to keep it all together as well as you have. You have had to be strong, especially as you have been worried about the reaction of colleagues at work. It's little wonder that you have, as you say, fallen apart, but the thing to try to remember is that you got through it all. I know that you can't be strong all the time - nobody can - but you really should be proud of what you've achieved. Hearing how you have been managing has certainly helped me go out into the world this week, and I am grateful. You may be feeling weak now, but I'm sure that when the time is right, you can find that strength again. %^% Take care. Thinking of you. Michael
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I agree with Michael, you should be proud of what you're doing. Be kind to yourself %^%
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Still here because when it came to it all I could think about was that it would be my youngest son (17) who would find me in the morning and the devastating effect that would have on him. I eventually got a couple of hours sleep and woke up clutching a photo of my three kids. I have flushed the massive pile of pills I had prepared down the toilet but I am left feeling so desperately low I don't know how I am going to get through today especially as i have to go to a social event this evening and I haven't been out at all this year.
I have to go because my brother and his wife are moving a couple of hundred miles away on Tuesday and they are having a farewell do in a pub. I have to put on a happy face for them even though I am struggling with the fact that I am very close to my brother and we have always lived close to each other and been a huge part of each others lives. It feels like I am losing the only member of my family I am close to. Combine that with having to walk in to a pub on my own and meet lots of their friends i dont know, it is going to be a a very difficult evening. In fact, I don't think I am going to be able to do it....I am such a mess :'(
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Willows, you should really be proud of yourself for being so brave, you are such a fighter, well done!
Every day you are closer to being well again, please remember that.
I am so pleased you didn't do something silly last night, I was thinking of you and we would have missed + your children would have their lives ruined not having their mammy.
Please give time for the meds to kick in nicely, talk to us and keep in contact with your doc so he can help you find the right treatment.
I promise, one day you will look bad and you'll be pleased you didn't do anything silly. Big hug to you *() xxx
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Willows, I must apologise for never writing on your page before now. I've been a member of the Forum for months now, but have never noticed this "depression Central" section. I can be a bit dim sometimes.
Anyway, I'm sorry everything has been so difficult for you lately. I'm so pleased you didn't go through with the suicide attempt last night. You are obviously in a very bad place right now and really do need the support of your GP.
Bookletters is right what she says about giving the pills time to work. Anti-depressants are always slow to take effect. But, one day you will look back and feel pleased you managed to fight on.
Hope tonight is better for you
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%^% for you Willows. I know its hard but things will get better. S x x x x
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I made it to my brother's farewell do but felt so anxious the whole time I was there but at least I did it. However it has left me feeling so drained and exhausted I don't feel able to function today. Can't get out of bed. Feel safer under my duvet. Already stressing about going to work tomorrow and all the pressure to be 'normal' there.
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Well done Willows!!! I was thinking of you last night and wondering how it went!!!! *()
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Once again Willows, a painful situation, yet you managed and survived it. You are very strong, even if it's not always obvious to you. I hope that your stress levels drop. And I hope you get some of your strength back soon. %^% Best wishes. Michael
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You managed it Willows so you should be proud of yourself. I do feel for you putting on the 'I am ok' face is hard work. I do hope work goes ok for you tomorrow. The way I cope with situations is to think that in so many hours/minutes I will be back home safe %^%.
S x x x x
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Facing a week of hell at work including a team day which i am dreading because i cant deal with being in big groups of people at the moment, my lovely brother moving a long way away tomorrow, my daughter having an operation on Wednesday and my medication dose being doulbled today. I feel like I should just give up before it even gets started because I can't feel much lower than I do right now :'(
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It's no surprise that you felt so worn out after your brother's party. Mixing with people while depressed is bound to exhaust you, but well done for seeing it through.
It sounds like you have a very busy and stressful week ahead of you. I hope you manage to get through it
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My brother is moving today so feeling very sad and I have also been summonsed to a meeting with my manager at 1pm so stressing about what that is going to involve. Double the medication has left me feeling strange this morning. It is like my mind and body are not working together. I feel disorientated. Can't get my thoughts straight in my head which doesn't bode we'll for the meeting today.
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Oh Willows %^% this is a difficult day for you.
S x x x x
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Thinking of you Willows, when your meds kick in properly I am sure things will get better very quickly xx
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Meeting with manager was really rubbish. No one is listening to me and everyone seems to know what is best for me no matter what my opinion is. Battling with myself tonight as to whether I should just give up fighting and go sick tomorrow or find the strength to carry on as I still feel that without my job I would have no reason to get up in the mornings and nothing to focus on. I think the management are grinding me down though. I have the full support of occy health that I should be a work and they have stated to me that the way the managers are treating me is bordering on harassment and bullying and my advisor is seeking legal advice for me because I just haven't got the head space to look into it myself. Could really do without all this.
My daughter's operation has been cancelled for tomorrow as there is no bed available so that is all up in the air again.
Exhausted but can't get to sleep.
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It's one thing after another isn't it? If you could be allowed to get just one thing sorted out, you might get a bit of space to deal with things. I sympathise with you Willows. It's terrible to feel that nobody is actually listening to you. %^% I'm glad that the Occupational Health people are a bit more understanding of what is going on, and are helping your work position. If they can get the bosses to be a bit more understanding, that might help. I admire you very much for sticking with it, and I hope that things become a bit more acceptable really soon. Best wishes Willows. Michael xxx *()
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I'm sorry your meeting didn't go well %^%
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Woke up feeling strangely calm today which was good because I had an appointment with the occupational health physician to assess me as a result of my managers concerns that the OHU advisor was not giving the right advice to them! I stayed calm and relatively rational and she has fully supported me staying at work and increased the duties I am able to do. My managers still have to agree to this but they will be on thin ice if they still disagree. Have a meeting with my manager on Monday to discuss this but I am feeling hopeful.
My daughters op has been rescheduled for Monday as well so a big day but actually feeling a bit positive at the moment.
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Hurray!!!!!!! So glad to hear willows!!!!!
Bring on more calmness and positivity for you petal, really pleased to hear!!!!
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I hope that you have a completely restful weekend. Good luck for Monday. I hope that your daughter's op goes smoothly, and I hope that the manager gets a bit of insight into the problems being caused for you by the lack of true support. You are really trying so hard to sort things out, and you should be supported, and applauded for your efforts. *()
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Absolutely, willows I find you inspiring. You've been so strong and brave, you can really be proud of yourself!
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Felling very low again today. Worrying about Monday and have convinced myself that my manager will still not go along with Occupational Healths recommendations. I have come up with so many different reasons she will give me and trying to work out how to fight my corner. On top of that I will be worrying myself silly anyway because my daughter will be having her op which could determine whether she will be able to have children in the future. She has always wanted to have children so she is finding this all very difficult and I am struggling to provide the sort of support I would normally be capable of. I am really failing her at the moment and I feel so guilty.
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Willows, you are not failing your daughter, you are unwell and need to look after yourself.
Have you tried making a list of all the worries that you have then imagine you are presenting your evidence in front of a judge and list all the things that could possibly happen? When we are depressed, we always imagine the worst case scenario but things aren't necessarily going to be this way.
Thinking of you willows. I am sure you are an excellent mum and you just need to take the time you deserve to recover. xxxx
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Hi Willows I totally agree with Book, no way are you failing your daughter. It's not your fault, you're sick. I hope the opp goes well for your daughter on Monday.
I'm not sure if your manager can disagree with Occ Health, unless he owns the company. I hope your meeting Monday will go okay
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My manager can disagree with Occ Health because I could potentially be dealing with confrontation when dealing with incidents and the risk assesment is down to her, so if in her opinion she feels it is too risky to send me out she can choose not to let me go as it would fall on her shoulders if anything went wrong. So Occ Health can only advise.
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Hope everything goes well willows %^% xxx
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Your GP can write a letter to support you surely?
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My psychiatrist is writing a report which should help but my managers have just not been listening recently.
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Excellent, that will help I am sure xxx
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No wonder you get worried willows. Psychiatrist letter's a good move. Hope it all works out soon
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Thats good to hear Willows, hope this helps %^%.
S x x x x
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Daughter's op went well and results look positive but I received a very sad phone call today to say my lovely nan has colon cancer it has spread to her liver. They are not going to operate and she is going in to a hospice. I only found out she was feeling unwell and having tests a couple of weeks ago :'(
Work was really stressful today and I just don't know what I am fighting for anymore. It is always one step forward and two steps back. Very low and tearful tonight. Just don't think I can take any more.
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Dear Willows, I'm so sorry about your Nan. It seems to be a never ending battle for you at the moment. I'm glad that your daughter's op was OK, and I hope that you will be able to find the strength to keep on fighting until things turn, and good things finally become a bit more common for you. %^%
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I am so sorry to hear about your gran %^%. Glad to hear your daughters op went well. S x x x x
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No energy, no motivation, feeling so tired physically and mentally I just don't want to carry on any more .
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Thinking of you, willows
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I had the day off to care for my daughter yesterday but it is back to work today and she is going off to her dad's house. Feeling very anxious about going to work after Mondays meeting with my manager. Everything seems very overwhelming at the moment.
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I hope it goes well %^%
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Hi Willows keep fighting hope all goes well with you *()
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I hope it goes well for you Willows %^%. S x x x x
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Not a great day at work. Feel like I am losing control of everything.
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I admire your strength being able to go to work in the first place, willows, especially since I know how difficult things have been for you lately.
I hope it goes well
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I hope that today is a bit easier for you. *() How is your daughter today? Best wishes.
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My daughter is recovering well which is good. Not been a great week for though. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and I really wanted to be able to say to him that I have begun to feel better but I don't think I have. I have spent the week overreacting to everything, feeling angry and frustrated and breaking down in tears. I have fought to stay at work and to be able to do my job and I have finally had the all clear from my foot consultant that I can start to return to foot patrol at work which is what I have been desperate to do for 5 months and now he has said I can I feel totally overwhelmed at the prospect of getting out and about and dealing with incidents. Because of my mental health I will have to be accompanied by another colleague when I am on patrol but I still feel very anxious tonight as tomorrow will be my first day back out ( couple of hours really as I have to have a gradual return to foot patrol). Why am I now feeling so anxious about something I have been wanting to get back to for so long!?! It just doesn't make sense. What if I can't hold it together in public? What if I can't think clearly enough to deal with the public? I could potentially let so many people down :(
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Good luck for tomorrow. You seem very aware of potential problems, but whenever you have been worried before, you seem to have managed the situations perfectly well. You have had so much on your mind. You seem to be a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Trust yourself. You can do it. Best wishes always. Michael %^%
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So glad to hear your daughter is recovering well, this must have been such a worry for you. I do hope work was ok for you. S x x x x
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Willows, you may not feel you are getting better but from your posts, I am seeing a difference between your levels of total desperation to writing longer posts, talking about your daughter, telling us how you feel etc. Remember, when we get better, other people often see it before us :)
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Really struggled being out and about again. My foot is definitely not as improved as I thought it was and have been in pain for the last couple of evenings and my mood has sunk lower and lower. I don't want to give in to the pain and find myself back in the office.....I have also been feeling incredibly anxious when out and about and am struggling to engage with the public as is should be able to do. Feeling like a hopeless waste of space and thinking I should just give up and accept the inevitable.
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Its disappointing when we think something has improved more than it actually has, thinking of you xxxx
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You will get there willows, we're all here for you xxxx
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So tired. Just want to stop trying and not care anymore. Want to stop feeling that nothing will ever be right again.
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You will get there willows please be patient, we are all with you xxxx
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You are a good caring person who is experiencing a really bad time. You deserve to feel better, and you have shown so much strength to get this far, that I'm sure you will get there. As bookletters said, we're with you. %^% %^% Best wishes. Michael. xxx
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No words anymore :'(
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I am sending you a big big hug willows, you are so brave, keep up the fight please xxxx
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+-_ %^% %^% %^% *() *() *() xxx
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Don't know how much more I can take. My son was rushed to hospital on Tuesday in his university town as he kept passing out. Over Tuesday and Wednesday he passed out 11 times. I had to make the long drive on my own to be with him which totally broke through all my comfort zones. He has had numerous tests and has been sent home tonight but has to go for more tests as an outpatient over the next week. Problem with his heart :(
People keep asking me if I am alright.........I have to be done't I.....but I am obviously not giving off the impression that I am dealing with this very well. Their concern should be directed to my son, I don't deserve it.
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Come on Willows, it is not only your son who is going through this. You are doing everything you can for him, and it is not easy by any means. I'm so sorry for BOTH of you. This is a dreadful situation to be facing with no support, so soon after your concerns for your daughter. I understand your focus, but please give yourself a little love too. I wish you the very best, always. %^% xxx
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Feel for you Willows (((( hugs )))). S x x x x
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I know this won't make you feel better but at least the doctors can give your son constructive help.
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So tired of life. Crying inside, trying to be strong for my son on the outside. Failing :'(
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I do feel for you Willows. I am also trying to be strong for a loved one and feeling guilty for failing. My thoughts are with you. S x x x x
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Hi shaz
It is so hard to be strong for someone when you don't feel capable. The guilt is eating me up. My thoughts are with you. x
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My thoughts are also with you Willows. S x x x x
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Willows and Shaz you are both being incredibly strong. You are in my thoughts. Best wishes. Michael. xxx %^% %^%
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I'm sorry to hear about your son, Willows. I hope everything turns out okay
Thinking of you
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Finally given in and gone sick today. I spent yesterday with my nan and trying to get my head round the fact that it may be the last time I see her as she lives 120 miles away and is gravely ill. My son is home from uni with me still not well and I am worried silly about him. I feel like I just can't cope anymore and the crap that has been going on at work recently just made it feel too overwhelming for me to face today but I am now beating myself up because I have fought and fought for months to be able to carry on working and now I have just given in and have taken refuge in bed where at least I can't do myself any harm which is what I really want to do right now.
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Feel like I really let myself down yesterday by not going to work. I am due in at 1pm today and I am already feeling incredibly anxious and don't think I am going to be able to go in again but then I will beat myself up for giving in. If I don't go today it will probably be even harder tomorrow. So confused :'(
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Dear Willows You are going through such a dreadful time at the moment. It is understandable that at times you feel like taking refuge. How is your daughter at the moment? and you son? You have been strong for everyone recently. I wish that I could offer you a little strength to help you, but in lieu of that, please accept my best wishes and %^% hugs. *() %^% You are in my thoughts. Michael. xxx
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(((( hugs )))) Willows. You have had such a hard time just recently and I admire you for managing to go to work as you have. Please try to not beat yourself up over needing time off. S x x x x
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I did go to work on Thursday but did not have my return to work interview until yesterday and now I don't think I can face it again today. I tried to speak to my manager about some of the problems I have been having at work and she basically said that I had to try harder to integrate with the team and join in the office banter otherwise people were not going to want to work with me!! That I was being selfish as I am not the only person with problems in the team......I have never once assumed I am and have always tried not to let on to anyone other than my managers that I am struggling. She also said that the only person who can do anything to help me is myself....probably true but I didn't need to hear.
When I was off on Wednesday I just wanted to shut myself away from the world and I ignored my phone, including texts from colleagues asking if I was ok and according to my manager I was totally disrespectful to the team in doing that!
I don't know why I am bothering anymore. I have spent my entire life doing anything for anyone, worrying about everyone, caring for everyone and now I find I am selfish and disrespectful.
It is just not worth it anymore.
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How insensitive :( made me angry when I read your post. if only we could help ourselves, we do not choose to suffer (((( big hugs )))) for you. S x x x x
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Dear Willows, YOU know the truth of the situation, whereas this damned ignoramus hasn't got an inkling of the terrible times you are going through. %^% There is no doubt that you are a good, caring person, and you deserve support and understanding. You have made every effort not to let anybody down, and you should be appreciated not criticised for... what exactly? Not telling rib-tickling anecdotes about your son and daughter needing hospital treatment within a very short period? Has your manager any idea of how human beings feel?
I'm sorry that I'm so angry, I have no right to be, but you should certainly never be treated like this, especially when you have been trying so hard. *() %^% Best wishes, always. Michael
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Have caved in and booked the next 9 days as annual leave. I am going to shut myself away from the world and contemplate if I even have the strength to stay in it.
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Dear Willows, Please take good care of yourself, and let us know how things are working out. %^% Michael
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Will be thinking of you Willows, we're here if you need to talk xx
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We are here for you if you need us Willows (((( hugs )))). S X x x x
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Having time off is not doing me any good. The only time I have actually got out of bed and got dressed was to go to my psychologist appointment on Monday. I have no energy, no motivation and have spent so much time over thinking everything that I have ended up in a really dark place again. I never get anything right. I am not back at work until Tuesday but I am scared that without a purpose I won't make it that far. Seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow so at least will have to get out of bed.
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Good luck for tomorrow Willows. I hope that you manage to find some motivation. I know it's not that easy. I'll be thinking of you, with best wishes. Michael
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Back to work tomorrow. Very anxious about it. Occy health and psychiatrist recommended I took sick leave instead of annual leave and extended it but I know the longer I leave going back, the harder it will be. Occy health have said they will support me with my decision. Will have to see what sort of reception I get from my managers. Having the time off has changed nothing it has just made me feel like I have run away from my issues. Psychiatrist put me back on sleeping tablets on Friday as I have barely slept for the last to weeks.
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Dear Willows, you have made a very brave decision. I hope that the managers make some effort to understand. You need their support in this. I hope that the sleeping pills help you, as a good nights rest is so important. %^% I wish you very good luck for your return to work. Take it as gently as you can. Best wishes.
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Not been around for a week or so because I have been really battling with the world. Being back at work has been hell but being off did me no good either. Occy health have reduced my hours due to stress at work. I went out socially with a work colleague who is also a good friend only to find out that one of our managers has disclosed some very personal information about me to her. I am so upset and angry that I felt I had to raise a grievance against the manager. She had no right to disclose such private and personal information to another member of my team. The problem is I just don't know if I am mentally in a place where I can cope with everything that goes with an official grievance procedure. I have been battling with this and fighting suicidal thoughts. Psychologist described me as being in crisis.....I just want an end to it all
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The manager was wrong to do that. You have every right to be angry and want to proceed. I know that it's not the same as having someone physically there for support, but I'm sure that we all are here for you. %^% How has your sleeping been? Here's hoping that it's been *&* . Best wishes. You have been so brave!
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That's awful, this person should never have said anything about you to another member of staff.
%^% For you.
S x x x x
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Everything is a mess. Not coping. The stress of the grievance I have raised a work together with everything else going on at the moment I feel so incredibly overwhelmed and anxious. Panic attacks have returned after a gap of a couple of months. Can't live like this.