Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: Ducky on July 20, 2012, 02:39:13 PM
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There is no point and I wish I was brave enough to end it all. But I am a coward. I have lost everything in my life, my mother when I was 19, my dad when I was 23 and my son in December 2010. I no longer have any contact with my family as they are worthless. If I knew that by ending it all, I would be reunited with my son and things would be as they were before, I would do it straightaway. But I know that wouldn't happen. He is either in his next life, or nowhere, though his ashes remain in two caskets with me.
Unless you have lost a child, you cannot understand the terrible pain, the endless sadness, the feeling of utter hopelessness and, worst of all, knowing you will never see him again, his smiling face, his laugh, his idiosyncratic Thai-English. Never again will I hear anyone call me "Daddy".
Even after more than 18 months, I still cry practically every day, and I know this will never change. And then when I don't cry, I feel guilty for not crying and so start crying again. The only peace I get is when I am asleep - if I can get any sleep and if I am not having any nightmares - and then there is that split second when you wake up, a split second of normality before you remember he has gone.
I don't want to see counsellors or therapists, psychiatrists or psychologists, I just want my son back. And so this living hell goes on and on.
Son, I miss you so much, as you always said I would.
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Oh dear, that's so sad. I can't begin to imagine what you've gone through. If you feel like you have nothing left in your life, you have nothing to lose in trying to find something in this life.
My thoughts are with you, Ducky. %^%
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%^% I too cannot imagine what it is like Ducky. Just want you to know my thoughts are with you also. S x x x x
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I cant imagine either, I'm not sure how similar the Buddhist faith is to mine (I know many of the teachings are similar) but we believe that we are linked karmically to those in previous lives and we do meet again in future lives but to take our own life disturbs that karma somehow.
Z xxx
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Tell us about your little boy, would love to hear about him xxx
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You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers tonight %^%
Peaches x