Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: mamalou on July 09, 2012, 10:05:52 PM
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At the risk of sounding boring and probably incredibly selfish, I am really suffering.
I know I deserve nothing and I am worth nothing. I just cannot bear the pain any more.
I have an overwhelming desire to run away. Run away from my Dr, Psychiatrist, Therapist and Care Co-ordinator. And to run away from my life. I don't want any help anymore. I don't want any friends. I can give NOTHING to anyone.
There is no hope left in the world for me and my depression has won. I have no energy or motivation to fight it.
I am sorry to all who are suffering here, I am not trying to detract from anything that you are going through. This is my one safe outlet.
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%^% Mamalou. You know you can vent here and no one will judge. S x x x x
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Shaz is right, vent away even if it only helps slightly that is at least something. You sound as if you are going through something identical to me. Depression is such a cruel illness.
xx
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*() Thank you for replying. I appreciate it more than you know. x
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Thinking of you Mamalou.
I have had a bad day today and can empathise with the feeling of wanting to run away.
*)*
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Don't ever feel bad for posting - this is a safe place for you to express yourself - thinking of you x
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I always feel bad. I get this awful weight on my chest when I post - it makes my breathing shallow and my mind race :'(
I spose it's because I believe I am ill because it's what I deserve.
Thanks for your message x
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You do not deserve to feel this way Mamalou %^%. S x x x x
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Keep posting Mamalou, i think what you are feeling about posting is familiar to many.
I worry i am moaning and saying the same problem again and again.
But people hear care and it is a great outlet for how you feel. So use it.
*)*
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Dear Mamalou,
I have felt this way. Now I feel better. So there's hope out there. Trust me you can do it. Try finding your inner core. Let go of all the things which have been put over your head all your life, forget what people have ever thought or said. Just breathe and feel. And think. Even it they are bad thoughts or bad feelings. Let them be there, but do NOT stop them, dwell on them or try to change them. Just slowly feel them pass through you and clear you. And just keep breathing slowly. Put your hand to your stomach and tell yourself, that you will stay with you no matter what.
Make someone smile each day. They will value it so much and it is your proof that you are very worthy of this life! And remember to live in the moment.
I wish you all the best of luck and I will be thinking of you praying for you to find some hope and start loving yourself.
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Hang in there mamalou, we're all here for you xx
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Thank you Sundayrose.
It's been such a long time of being so low. 20 long years that I have carried this depression ( in varying degrees) and now I am tired and suicidal. My therapist has talked me through a similar breathing technique, I have yet to muster the energy to try it although I know that it might be helpful.
Do you really believe that I could get better ? I think I will fail. So do I just end it all now to save the disappointment ?
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
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Hi mamalou, I've not been on these forums for long at all, but reading your original post I can relate a lot to what you say. I've not had depression long in comparison, however the thoughts are similar. I follow the hope that something somewhere will send a switch up to the brain that will motivate and give me the strength to defeat this.
I hope you feel better soon mamlou
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I am so tired. I am really confused too. Just can't think straight. Hope I die while I'm asleep.
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I think you really need to go to see the doctor. A doctor is the only person who can treat depression. Don´t worry and think that the most important thing is getting better. Doing exercise is sometimes a good technique. Link moved to links board
Good luck
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I am so tired. I am really confused too. Just can't think straight. Hope I die while I'm asleep.
%^% for you mamalou, I've been there (and wishing I had a terminal illness) its worth fighting even though you dont feellike it right now xxx
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Sometimes the best thing to do is try to sleep. Your body gets worn out by all the racing your mind does.
Try not to worry about stuff you are supposed to do for anyone else and focus on what you need to do for you.
You posted on my thread and showed you have some humour left, hang on to that.
I hope you are able to rest and recuperate and that tomorrow will be better.
%^%
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Mamalou, you did the right thing posting after all this is the whole point of the forums that we can all be honest how we are feeling. You deserve just as much support as everybody else *)*
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%^% mamalou
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%^% from me too Mamalou. S x x x x
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Hey Mamalou,
I'm so sorry to read that you are feeling so awful at the moment. I've felt like I couldn't go on anymore and that nothing was worth it. It's a horrid way to feel and it's really difficult to see any way out of it. I even find that I get upset when people are nice to me because I don't understand it and feel like I'm not worth it. So I completely see where you're coming from.
I hope that you manage to find a way out of this because from what I've experienced on this forum you are exceptionally kind and comforting. Just take it on step at a time and hopefully you'll see that you deserve a happy life like everyone else.
Please take care,
Fox
X
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I officially lost my marbles. I am so confused. I went into a bank this morning and I asked them to update my bank book and guess what I was in totally the wrong bank ! I have lived here for 36 years and I was convinced I was in the right place. I have turned up in the wrong place at the wrong time twice and I genuinely thought I was in the right place. It's really scarey. I find myself in places and don't know how I got there.
I am a bit scared to be honest. So low and so frightened. And still moaning. Sorry.
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%^% mamalou.
S x x x x
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That does sound worrying.
It probably is worth talking to a Dr about having memory blanks.
I hope you feel a bit better though.
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%^% mamalou, I agree about the doctor xxx
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hi mamalou
so sorry to read how difficult things are for you at the moment i think we can all understand that need to get away i often think i could just drop out of life my therapist would say it's my fight or flight mechanism kicking in who knows but it is a tempting thought the wanting to die well i think most of us have those thoughts from time to time and i know it can be both scary and and an option at the same time i sometimes have memory issues and it may be something your therapist can help with or your doctor if it is due to meds if you are taking any but please ask the question to make sure please look after yourself and i hope you are brighter soon
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Thanks for replies. Barely managing to keep myself alive. I am supposed to have a GP appointment and an appointment with my mental health care co-ordinator tommorrow. But I just can't go. I can't cope with the thought of having to talk to anyone. If I didn't have here, I wouldn't have anyone to share with. The lows are lower than I can begin to describe. Trapped inside myself.
Sorry everyone.
x
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Don't ever be sorry mamalou. You do have us here always remember that. %^% %^% for you.
S x x x x
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I'll second that mamalou %^% xxx
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Sleeping my life away. Feeling nothing. Hoping I don't wake up in the morning. At least this distress and suffering would end.
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%^% and (http://depressionforums.co.uk/dpf/mobiquo/emoji/E022.png) for you. S x x x x
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Dear Mamalou,
I am sorry that it has taken me this long to get back to you. I found myself without internet and a PC for the last couple of weeks.
Firstly, YES I do believe strongly that you can get better even after 20 years! As I heard today it's never to late to see the light in the distance.
And it took me a very long time to be able to just breathe and let the thoughts and feelings flow without worrying, but once you there: it's far from perfect, but it is most certainly worth it!! If you are really having trouble with this technique try breaking it up into little pieces (whichever way you prefer)- babysteps are the way to learn skills for life!
It also helps me to write all my worries and feelings down. Just a pen and paper and everything that comes up. Then a little break and then some reflection on what I can do to 'heal' them or why they are there.
Best of luck and again sorry for this late reply!! And I have been deeply suicidal and all that goes with it. It can get better!!
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Sundayrose, thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
I am struggling to hold on. I really want to remove myself from this life - the extra meds I have been given are so tempting. It's like a fantasy that can come true.
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Hang in there mamalou xxx
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Keep fighting xxx :vik:
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Dear Mamalou,
I am sorry to hear this. It's an awful way and nobody should ever feel this way. Unfortunantly many do :(
Have you tried writing stories? I wrote some stories about how I wanted to fly away and stop feeling, thinking and it really helped me. As did it to take trips away from my everyday surrondings and be alone and forget things. It sound as something which is very unhealthy to say that you should get away from your life for a while. But if you just take some time out and say 'now this is a break from what I normally knows' and allow yourself to live another life where work, worries or trouble don't exist then I think it can really help giving strenght to deal with 'real life' and allow you to see joy in the little things.
It's a bit hard to explain, but I hope you understand what I mean? For me it really helped, writing fairy tales or having a picnic by a nice lake a while away from where I live.
Best of Luck!
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How are you feeling today ?
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Feel so low. Couldn't manage to wake up this morning so my husband had to physically shake me ( not violently!!).
It's my birthday tomorrow and I couldn't think of anything worse to be honest. I don't want to be here let alone pretend to celebrate !
Take me away please.
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%^% for you mamalou xx
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Have you thought about sundayrose's suggestion of writing. I go throught phases of writing poetry, have written two books and am in the process of writing 2 more. The first two were non fiction, one I'm writing now is non fiction and the other fiction. Over the years I have also kept up with blogs as I find that helps too.
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Keep fighting :vik: :vik:
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%^% for you Mamalou. S x x x x
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Sadly not able to write. I have terrible problems with focus and concentration. I have tried to write, just anything, but absolutley can't. :(
I don't think I'm going to make it through. Too tired. Too deeply deeply depressed and unhappy.
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Please be safe louise.
You have been such a support to me over this past week remember "we are standing beside each other" experiencing the same things.
You are a lovely person. I really hope you start to feel better.
Fox
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(Sorry if this does not make sense)
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Hang in there mamalou xxx
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Hang on in there Mamalou. Happy Birthday. S x x x x
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Fox - it makes sense. Thank you. x x x
Shaz- x x x
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Happy birthday xxxx
Keep fighting, you can do it %^%Xxx
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Thanks for your care Buttercup. Appreciated. x x x
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Happy Birthday xxx
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Thanks Kate. x
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How are you feeling? Xxx
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Trapped deep inside my depression. Another year notched up to despair.
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Happy birthday mamalou. Hope you have managed 2 enjoy at least a little of your day. It is hard though,why we feel so low 2 have 2 put on a smile for the sake of everyone else.
Try 2 stick with it,thinkin of you x x
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Hope you managed to enjoy some of the day %^%
Xxx
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How are you today mamalou? %^% xx
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How are you doing today mamalou?
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Thoroughly and utterly depressed. Think that I might stop my drugs. They don't help. Think that I am beyond help. Can't see the point.
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What drugs do you take?
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Lithium, Quetiapine and Venlafaxine. All at maximum level according to my Psychiatrist. :'(
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Feel for you %^% %^%
I'm off meds at the moment afar having an allergic reaction to something :-\ It's proving a little tricky having to deal with the summer hold etc. While I don't like taking meds now that I'm not I can see how much better I was when I was on them. Seeing the Psychiatrist again in a couple to month unless I need to before so I will see how thing go.
Are you due to see yours soon?
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Do you think a change of meds might help?
Z xx
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Just saw my psych last week. All he did is increase the dose of venlafaxine again to way over what is thought to be therapeutic.
I see him every 4 - 6 weeks since last October as he is quite concerned for me. Apparently, there are no further drug combinations available to me - I have been trying anything and everything over the past 2 1/2 years.
I am so fragile at the moment that it's scarey.
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I wish I could help in some way %^% xx
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Feel for you %^% %^%
It's nice that the Psychiatrist is so caring, it must be frustrating for him that he can't do more.
Same as Zaf, I wish I could say more to help.
xxx
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I can relate....
Home isnt a home right now..... no peace, no space of my own, were living with my other halfs parents.... im search for work so we can move out and getting no where.... his brother and sister always have three friends round each so theres never peace.... his sister does noting to help with house work.... im left to it all... theres so many thigns we want to do which we cant till we move out.... and it dsnt seem to be happening..........
my depression is making it difficult to get out of bed in the morning and I just am losing the will to fight it
never be afraid to vent
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Little-Laura - sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you.
Thank you all for your kindness.
Not sure I'm worth saving. I am going to look up the side effects of coming off all my drugs then make a decision. I am an utter waste of space. And extremely selfish.
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You're not a waste of space or selfish.
Please talk to your Physchiatrist before coming off your meds. Xxx
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I agree with Buttercup 100% %^% xxx
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Oh Mamalou you are not selfish or a waste of space you are ill. Its a horrible illness. Please talk to your Physchiatrist before coming off your meds.
Thinking of you
S x x x x
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I am so low, slow, exhausted. With the 3 children off school, it's all I can do to manage to walk from one room to another. I called my husband to tell him that I was feeling really really ill. He can't come back from work. I feel guilty. But I also feel a bit cross. I really need some help. I just want to die.
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I so feel for you. I don't know how I would of coped if my boys had of been younger when I was really bad. Do you have any family near who can help? %^% for you. S x x x x
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Oh Shaz. I'm so desperate. There's no-one to ask. I really don't know what to do. x
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I dont know what to suggest but sending you love %^%
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How's it going today Mamalou? I know how you feel, I've got 4 under 10's at home so right with you %^% %^%
If its any consolation, I phone my husband as well i suppose I do it to almost give myself a break every now & then :-\
It was easier last week, they went out to the garden a lot but it's been raining this week.
Xxx
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Mamalou *)* just wish I could help you.
S x x x x
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Trying to think what mine do that might help.
At the moment they're into the Olympics if I'm feeling tired I do tend to put that on the TV sit down & watch it while they play normally with everything they have :-\
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We had a film fest yesterday. We watched movie after movie. I slept. Also remember in the distance that I was slightly delirious - I kept saying odd things - and it scared the children. Told them I was dreaming. Not sure I can go on much longer.
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For you mamalou %^%, I just wish I could do more xxxx
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Have sent you a pm
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Do you think you ought o speak to a doctor about it? xxx
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My Dr is away and I am scared to call my care worker. She just doesn't get me.
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When will your doc be back mamalou? xxx
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I think that he's back at some point next week but not sure?
There is an access and assessment team number I can call but I don't know what to say or if I should / am allowed to ring ??????
I'm such a pain in the backside - I don't know what I need or how to get it ?!?!?
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You're not a pain Mamalou %^% %^%
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You certainly are not a pain. At least you can share your feelings here %^%. S x x x x
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You definitely arent a pain xxx
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Like the others have said, there's no way you're a pain %^% xx
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you are not a pain, you are worthy and i hope you are well...the mental health care in this country is awful...you are in my thoughts and i hope you are feeling better...
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I am ashamed of myself that I can give no more. And life is already VERY tough. And taking a deep breath doesn'teven begin to have an effect.
I do genuiney have awful problems with concentration and focus - it is something that I talk to my therapist about regularly and I know is a common problem for many severly depressed people. Before I was ill I had amazing focus and had no problems with concentration.
Thank you to all have taken time to reply - so very much appreciated and I know totally undeserved. "£"
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Life is tough Mamalou & I'm sure that those that love you especially your children are very proud and grateful for the way that you battle through the dark days. Don't be ashamed of yourself for not giving more, your doing what you can and your fighting for them %^% %^%
Totally agree with concentration being a common problem, mine is shocking sometimes and because of who I am and what I am capable of, I find it very dibilitating.
We reply because we care & you DO deserve it %^% xxx
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Buttercup is right, we do care and you do deserve to be cared about x
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Buttercup is 100% right xxx
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Thanks for everything guys. Appreciated. x x