Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: pinkphoenix on June 23, 2012, 10:25:01 AM
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Morning everyone, I've battled depression for 14 years. I'm exhausted, all the time. It's killing me.
Depression teamed with self harm started when my beloved Nan passed away in 1998. Since then things have got prograssively worse. In a nutshell over the last 14 years....Nan died, I nearly died of a blood condition, the day I came out of hospital my friend at school died of meningitis (since then I've lived with guilt. Things are all wrong, it should have been me and not him) I've had 3 miscarriages, been in severe abusive relationships, attempted suicide on several occasions and feel like a failure because I can't do it right.
All this time I've not received any help from the medical profession at all. I've been told by hospitals "We can't help you until you do something to yourself" I have support from my Mum but she is also battling it, although she's only had it for a few years and has received counselling straight away which is incredibly annoying because I've battled alone from such a young age and things aren't getting any better.
Even throughout my abusive relationships where I was verbally, sexually and physically abused, I received no help (I got told by one lady who assessed me, "it sounds to me like you enjoy being abused") I got out of yet another bad relationship the other day and since then I'm receiving regular texts from him calling me fat, ugly, vile. I want him to stop. I was bullied at school from age 5 until I left school. So I thought I'd left the "fat" comments behind. I'm only size 12. I've had an eating disorder before. I would punch myself if I felt hungry and I can feel it'll happen again.
I searched this site as a way of off loading and making friends with people who are going through the same.
When I go to bed, I pray that I won't wake up. And every morning when I wake, I hate it. I just think "ok another day to struggle then hopefully Nan will come and get me in my sleep"
Please someone help me, I need to know there's hope. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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Hi pinkphoenix and welcome to the forum.
Sorry to hear what you have coped with. I understand the loss you feel from your miscarriages, I have been there too and it's an awful feeling !+_
It's terrible that you can't get the support you need from NHS. This place is really friendly and full of lovely people. I hope you find some help here
Kate x
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Thank you Kate. Thank you so much for reading my post.
Emma xx
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You're welcome Emma, we all support each other here, through the good days and the bad ones. _+_
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hi pinkphoenix
hi and welcome i am sorry that you have had to suffer for so long alone sadly i can sympathise with losing a baby as we lost one three years ago and i saw how badly my wife took it i was crushed but it's different for mums of course it is terrible that the mental health service is so inconsistent it's sad that you've been unlucky with partners but that is not your fault and ther are no excuses for people to be like that and as to your recent ex if you were that bad why was he attracted to you ? sorry for going on this is a really good place to chat and get advice the people here are very kind and supportive there is help out there and in here
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)-_ hello and welcome to the forum, we are a friendly bunch and as Kate has said we support one another. !+_ for you.
S x x x x
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Hi and welcome, I'm appalled the way you've been treated my the NHS, you'll get lots of support here xxx
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_)_ and hugs
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Thank you to all of you who have replied to me. Likewise, I'd like to support all of you. We're all here for the same reason.
The NHS truly is shocking! I saw my G.P 3 months ago and he told me I could speak to a councillor at the surgery but I'd have to wait 3 weeks....I've still not heard a thing. It's so tiring going to and from the Doctor telling the same story just to get no where.
With regards to the miscarriages, I never received support, the last one happened November 3rd last year and it got to me really badly. When I started miscarrying I called the hospital (where I'd seen a midwife) and asked them what to do (go to a&e or just ride it out) and I was told "we're too busy with pregnant women, we can't help you"
Since then I've had to go back for tests to see if I'll be able to carry full term, (due to the fact I'm only 27 and have had 3 miscarriages already) luckily I'm not infertile (my dream in life is to become a Mummy) I'm currently waiting for test results due to 2 abnormal smears. It doesn't rain but it pours eh?
My family keep telling me things will get better but so far they haven't. I know I can talk to them about anything but I don't want to because I can see how much it hurts them when I tell them things.
The things my ex said were incredibly hurtful and I've not eaten anything today because of it. This has happened a lot, I'll go for days on end without eating. I know it's not healthy or normal but I just can't do it. I've just been crying all day.
Thank you for your support. I really appreciate you all taking the time to write such kind words.
Emma xx
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Hi pinkphoenix
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it as helpful as I have.
I'm sorry you haven't been having a good time (to put it mildly). Sometimes the NHS can feel like a maze of let downs, I think many of us will echo the same experiences. Maybe you could ask your GP to refer you too a Psychiatrist for assessment. When depression becomes so bad, it often helps to speak with a professional who is specialising in mental health. Often they are better qualified to prescribe an anti-depressant that will help you through the worst of this. I'm sure a Psychiatrist will also have better referrals for counselling.
When times are at their worst, people always want to remind us that things will get better. It's usually the last thing we want to hear.....but, very often, it is true!
As for that pratt of an ex boyfriend. I wouldn't take much notice of what he says. If you were that bad, why did he ever want you in the first place? It sounds like his pathetic little ego has been hurt (well done you!). Can't you change your number for a while?
(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Cat x
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Thanks Cat, I could yes but I got a new number like 2 months ago when I got a new phone. I'm hoping he'll get bored at some point soon. I'm on the 3 network...do you know if it's possible to have a number blocked? xx
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I betcha could get his number blocked but it might infuriating him more. As you say, he'll prob get fed up soon
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I'll call them Monday morning if it carries on. Thanks for the advice xx
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Welcome to the forum _+_ I think you'll find it a very friendly and supportive place
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Thank you Whiteadder. Already I've had more support from this forum than I've ever had from the NHS!
Emma xx
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Already I've had more support from this forum than I've ever had from the NHS!
I felt that too when I first came here. I'm so glad I found it _+_
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This forum is a great place to be (http://depressionforums.co.uk/dpf/mobiquo/emoji/E057.png)S x x x x
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Hi pinkpheonix,
Welcome to the forum, everyone here is really friendly and will support you in every way we can :)
The NHS can be pretty useless, I had to wait months for my assessment with CAMHS which they wouldn't even give me to start with because I hadn't seen a school counsellor, but the school wouldn't let me see the counsellor because the doctor was already 'dealing' with the situation. They keep changing their minds about whether I have a physical or mental condition and I'm about to have my third lot of bloodtests this year. Many people have experienced problems with the NHS so you are not alone xx
Hugs for you xx
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What would be a good anti - depressant to go on? I've taken Prozac and a few others before but they didn't make any changes to me. I'm intending on seeing my G.P asap to ask for new ones as not taken anything for about a year now. Me being stubborn, thought I could do it on my own.
Thanks for the support and hugs :)
Emma xx
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Prozac stopped working for me and I'm now on citralopram, I'm not sure if its effectiveness is wearing off or a series of life events have simply overwhelmed its effectiveness recently so I'm having to wait till the end of the summer before my GP will consider changing my meds
Z x
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Prozac was actually the first anti-depressant I tried, many years ago. It was also the worst for side effects and exacerbated my anxiety and paranoia. Now, I am also on Citalopram for 2yrs. I think it's good because I've had no side effects. I came off it a few months ago because I thought it was rubbish. Tut....my depression sunk lower than it has been for years, so now I'm back on it again.
My Psychiatrist also put me on Quetiapine, which is a mood stabiliser/anti-psychotic. It's very powerful and I'm not so sure I'd recommend it for depression cause it didn't do mine much good. It has kept my anxiety and paranoia at bay, so I suppose it's helped.
I think everybody here would agree, you really need to just try a few out until you find the one that suits you best
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I was on Citalopram for a couple of years, then it stopped working, I am now on Duloxetine and its working well for me. But we are all different and what works for one doesn't work for another.
S x x x x
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I've tried both Prozac and Citalopram but they didn't work at all. I'm also an insomniac and was given a few tablets (I can't remember the name) but they made me even worse. Only reason they were prescribed was because I hadn't slept for days.
I'll ask the Doc about the meds you've suggested and see what he says.
Are there any good self-help books?
Thanks again.
Emma xx
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I tried citalopram, then seroxat and was eventually given mirtazapine because it makes you sleep. It also makes you eat everything in sight, but it really does make you sleep.
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I don't mind taking meds but the side effects make me think twice about it. Plus I wouldn't want to become reliant on something. All I can do is speak to the Doc (although no doubt there won't be an appointment for weeks)
Emma xx
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Hope you get an appointment soon, just explain your concerns and worries and hopefully he/she can find something suitable for you !+_.
S x x x x
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Will do, thanks Shaz. I appreciate your help £$%
Emma xx
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I've tried both Prozac and Citalopram but they didn't work at all. I'm also an insomniac and was given a few tablets (I can't remember the name) but they made me even worse. Only reason they were prescribed was because I hadn't slept for days.
I'll ask the Doc about the meds you've suggested and see what he says.
Are there any good self-help books?
Thanks again.
Emma xx
Dear Emma,
You are not alone; though I haven't personally been let down by the NHS, they failed my son for reasons I won't go into on a public forum. It is very difficult to find a decent GP surgery these days - trial and error I'm afraid. I had two ghastly ones until I found my current one. You are perfectly entitled to change surgeries until you find a decent one, and if you have not been satisfied with the service provided, a letter to your local MP would not go amiss, you could also write to the BMA, GMC and various other local and national bodies. Don't let the crappy NHS get away with providing a sub-standard "service".
Regarding your book query, I am a bookseller myself but yours isn't really my field. I would suggest first trying www.amazon.co.uk and typing in a general search query in their book section; if you do know of a particular title you are looking for, the two best used book search engines are:
www.bookfinder
and
http://used.addall.com
(or, as a last resort, eBay, of course).
Hope this helps,
Ducky +-_
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Thank you Ducky. Really appreciate your help. Hope you're doing ok at the moment.
Emma xx
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Hi everyone,
I've not been on here in a long time., due to the fact our wifi got cut off so didn't have a way of logging on. I've missed being able to talk about things.
I the last few months things have been very strange. I finally had my assessment for DBT, which will start in the New Year and I started bereavement councilling last week. Had my 2nd session today which was incredibly hard! I voiced things that I'd never said out loud before.
Last weekend I tried overdosing again. Things just got too much again and I didn't know where to turn. I felt hopeless and couldn't speak to anyone. After the hospital I was sent to see the Crisis Team, I felt positive that I'd be helped for a little while, but after only 3 sessions I was told "by the look of it, you're ok" I mean come on!! People who appear ok surely don't try overdosing :( Again it made me lose faith in Crisis Teams. So I've been told to go back to my G.P or local A&E department if I feel like that again. It sure feels like people like us get passed from pillar to post huh?
I got in to yet another bad relationship. Started out perfectly then there were little tell tale signs that I should get out before it got too far. There was a lot of emotional abuse. I didn't realise truly what was going on until I read an article about a woman who had suffered emtional abuse and everything she spoke about I could relate to my own relationship. Luckily tonight I got out of it altogether. Changed my number so he can no longer contact me.
He constantly lied, told me things about himself, then denied saying them. I truly felt like I was on the brink of a breakdown. I didn't know what the truth was. But today I was strong enough to put an end to it once and for all.
I went to a non smoking clinic today and have my patches and inhaler so as of tomorrow I'm quitting. I'm also joining a slimming club next week which my Mum goes to. I'm trying to channel my energy in to doing positive things for myself.
It feels good to be back on here.
Once again, thanks to all of you for taking the time to read my posts.
Emma xx
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Hello and welcome to the site. I'm sorry that things have been going so badly, but, as you've seen, there are some lovely supportive people on the site. +-_
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Hi Emma, you've certainly been through the mill %^%
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Hi Pink Phoenix.... I remember you from summer and I'm pleased to read you've got some therapy up and running and finally got shot of that abusive moron. His pride's hurt because you found out his silly-to-impress lies.
Good luck with the giving up cigs. I gave up last year by using inhaler and patches, but, unbelievably, I foolishly started again 10 days before my 1st year anniversary. ::)
The swim club sounds a positive step forward, especially coinciding with giving up cigs. Exercise is always a good tool for fighting depression.
Hope you're enjoying being single
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Hello and lovely to see you back. Sorry you have had such a rough time. S x x x x
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Thanks everyone.
Yes my doctor suggested swimming or going to the gym. I'm on say 2 of using the patches and inhaler. I think I'm doing pretty well. Only snapped a few times lol but that's to be expected I suppose!
My ex got in contact and says he loves me and wants me back. GRR _-+ _-+ It's ok though I found a way to block him on skype. :)
Emma xx
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Good for you blocking your ex. I go swimming and the gym. Sometimes its an effort to go but always feel better when I have been. S x x x x
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Hi Emma warm welcome to the forum *()
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Stay strong!