Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: mamalou on June 06, 2012, 11:29:34 PM
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Today I feel vulnerable. I feel small and utterly alone. I feel totally confused.
Is it just me or does this illness make you feel like your brain is completely screwed ?
My thoughts begin in one place and within a moment are off on a tangeant.
The darkness of depression is so overwhelming and disabling and I am hanging on by my fingernails.
I have decided that I would be better off with no friends and with minimal contact with the outside world. I am bored of me and exhausted.
Low, low, low.
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As one of many on here who know what some of those things feel like, I can really sympathise with you :)
I have decided that I would be better off with no friends and with minimal contact with the outside world. I am bored of me and exhausted.
Sometimes it's good to withdraw a little, but we all need people around us. Sometimes they let us down. Sometimes it feels like we can't face them. But for most people those feelings come and go. Give yourself some slack, book a doctor's appointment if you need :)
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I could have written that, Mamalou. You are not alone &*(
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mamalou i always find doing one thing at a time in small steps helps. no matter how tired you feel, don't push yourself too hard and too fast.
=)
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hello mamalou
i am so sorry you are feeling this way today i can totally understand what you are saying i have times when i feel small for me its almost as if i were a very small child all alone and scared and that is horrible as for the disjointed thoughts that is also a pain for me as it can happen at anytime including in the midst of a conversation which can be a little awkward and i know for many of us on here the darkness can be overwhelming but take heart there will be better days and sometimes it helps to have friends and they may help lighten the load a little (not that i can say much as my three year old has just said he is going to be my best friend and sadly its true) i hope you feel better soon
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For you mamalou &*(
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Thank you for all your replies. Your support and care is amazing. £$%
Today has been a little harder and I have the urge to hibernate. Why can't I just disappear ? The suffering that depression brings knows no limit.
Sorry I am so negative and low - I don't want to bring you down too.
Thanks again for your messages. It feels safe here. :'(
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Sorry I am so negative and low - I don't want to bring you down too.
This is not something you should worry about - we choose to be here and support each other :)
It feels safe here. :'(
I feel that too :)
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Whiteadder is totally right - the urge to hibernate is a very common one, I hope things improve for you very soon xxx
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I wrote on another post about suicidal thoughts, then removed my posts as I felt horrifically guilty and convinced that the lady on the post receiving all the replies was altogether more deserving of help than me.
I just wanted to say a few things to get them out there. I absolutely don't want to come across as an attention seeker as really I am not worth worth worrying about. And I don't expect a flurry of replies either.
I just wanted to say that for me at the moment, the lows know no limits. The depression is like a suffocating blanket. I just want to sleep. I don't want to face the real world. I don't want friends as I can't manage them. I feel alone. I deserve to be alone. Who could want to be alongside me? It would be a relief all round for me to be gone. I do feel safe here but I come to this forum with a whole load of serious self esteem issues. I find it so hard to write here and then worry about what I have written and people's perception of me and my illness.
Sorry.
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You don't need to apologise, you can write how you feel here and never be judged.
&*( &*(
S x x x x
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Thank you Shaz. x x
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Hi mamalou
I also worry constantly about what others think about what I say or do. That's the great thing about this forum that I can talk freely. Please don't feel you need to apologise, we are here to listen to you and won't judge.
Xxx
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It is such a strange thing. Here I feel I can say things ( although I worry like hell!) but I don't know who anyone is ! I open up small parts of myself and little glimpses into the difficulties that are my day to day life. So strange yet so helpful and totally anonymous. To be in the depths of such an awful illness and share with others is one of the only things that keep me safe and has helped me through suicidal thoughts and actions.
Louise x
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Its comforting to be able to talk about feelings and thoughts to people that understand and not be judged.
We can help each other here.
S x x x x
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I think that's what helps. I can't always open up to those close to me but I can on here.
Xxx
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Louise, life can feel so full of people ready to judge and disapprove but that won't happen here. Maybe it's because many here can really understand what you mean by worrying what people will think and so on - I know I can.
Everyone has value and that includes you, one hundred percent.
:) x
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I think it never ceases to amaze me that there is still damage to be done to my wholly damaged self. I can go to depths that are lower than before, over and over again. When do I reach the bottom ? That's why I see death as the light at the end of my long, dark and torturous tunnel. There seems to be no other way.
Thanks for listening to my deepest darkest ramblings.
Louise x
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hi mamalou
i'm the same as you in the sense that i always worry and re-read what i write and even remove posts aswell in case i offend or they are undeserving of peoples attention its always a worry for me as it feels endless and when i think it can get no worse it does and the suicidal thoughts can be a problem as they can be scary but also look like an answer in short you are most definately not alone and you are worth more than you think i hope you feel better
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I don't think I will ever get better. How many more days can I bear ? No treatment is working. I absolutely do not know what I need in order to stay alive. I live my life on this forum as I have no-one to talk to. My husband is in denial, he refuses to talk about how severely depressed I am so I feel totally isolated. My poor children have had a skeleton of a mother for 2 years with no end in sight. :'(
Thank you so much for reading my miserable posts.
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They are not miserable mamalou. At least you know you are not alone here ^&^.
S x x x x
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I second that &*( xxx
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I am overwhelmed by your kindness. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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&*( ^&^
S x x x x
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Louise....please believe, I was once in exactly the same position and one day I might be back there again. Any treatment I tried offered no release from the painful misery I felt every minute of the day. It is frightening just how real suicide becomes during these dark times.
Recently I have had a slight improvement in my depression. This is due to a new medication. Try not give up hope because one day the same will happen for you.
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Louise, Im sorry, in no way am i 'more deserving' of anyone ever, please dont think that, im so sorry if i made u think that, oh god i'm so sorry xxxxxx
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Catbrian, Thanks for your positive outlook. I bounce from crisis to crisis and it's hard to see anything changing. Thank you again x
Amanda, I am so sorry you are having a hard time. And I meant nothing negative by removing my posts and writing here instead. I think we are both seeking out reassurance and support at the moment. I have awful self worth issues and didn't want to be a distraction to the support you were needing. You don't have anything to be sorry for at all. I hope things begin to improve for you. x x
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I also have a guilty secret that I want to share here as I can't with anyone else. I have a large bag of medication that would be enough to end my life. I have carefully accumulated them and researched their toxicity. I don't want anyone to be alarmed. It is a very odd control thing. I do not want to dispose of the medication as it is my one ray of light but it also scares me to death when I feel the way I do. I have held back from mentioning this again as I don't mean it as an attention seeking thing but I really need it out there. The one thing I hate about myself where this is concerned is the deceit. However, I have found the depths of my dispair conducive to the deceit with which to collect the drugs with which I can end it all.
I feel slightly relieved now. Again thank you. x
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Glad it has helped writing about it here, This is a good place to get things out.
S x x x x
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. I have a large bag of medication that would be enough to end my life.
You should talk to your doctor or someone supportive about this. I think you should consider making this situation safe, removing the risk and having other life lines available, like a crisis number or a person you can go to (including us :)
Also, just want you to know I've read your posts and am glad you are finding it helpful here :)
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Today I feel vulnerable. I feel small and utterly alone. I feel totally confused.
Is it just me or does this illness make you feel like your brain is completely screwed ?
My thoughts begin in one place and within a moment are off on a tangeant.
The darkness of depression is so overwhelming and disabling and I am hanging on by my fingernails.
I have decided that I would be better off with no friends and with minimal contact with the outside world. I am bored of me and exhausted.
Low, low, low.
I feel like I can really relate to this.
I feel like my brain is screwed, when I am depressed no thoughts come at all its like I have been sucked into oblivion and my mind and body are completely dissconected, when I am manic I am bouncing off of ideas, its like I am suddenly connecting all the dots and the world suddenly makes sense. other days I will be able to work solledly off of one idea and my mind will go for hours.
Its exhausting when you feel like this, everything including your friendships are affected and you say and do the wrong things but at the end of the day if those people really love you they tend to understand and forgive you. please don't give up on yourself and keep fighting because things may be hard at the moment but you will have good days aswell worth fighting for.
I wish I was able to give you some helpful advice but as I know how it feels and how hard it is to get away from those thoughts I feel I am in no possition to be giving advice. however I want to tell you to keeping fighting.
smirfy
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Louise, ditto :-((
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Louise... I can totally understand your feelings about suicide and how the bag of med is like a control thing. For me, being so depressed is the same as completely loosing control. My obsession with suicide became a realistic option and somehow made me feel a little bit more in control. But, this is not healthy thinking.
I see harbouring a bag of med similar to having cigarettes lying around the house when I am giving up smoking. In my weakest moments, I am more likely to reach for the fags. It's the same as having a firearm at home; if a burglar ever breaks in, you are more likely to kill them.
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Whiteadder - thank you for reading my posts and taking time to reply. I know that the "bag" is dangerous, sometimes it is sooooo attractive and the relief it will bring. Caught between a rock and a hard place. "£$
Smirfy & Catbrian - Thanks for relating to my struggle. It's good to know I'm not alone in this illness.
Catbrian - You are right, I know this with my rational brain, however, I live far away from my rational brain ! In fact I don't even inhabit my body - my entire existence is lived as a 3rd party - an out of body experience that never ends.
Again, I am amazed that anyone could be interested in my story but I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
You are an amazing group of people and a big part of keeping me alive right now.
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Louise I understand the bag thing. It's your get out clause, your plan in case it gets too much. I suspect many of us have a plan, I know I do. Mine is jumping off something high. Whether I ever do it is a different matter but knowing that I have the option available is strangely comforting.
That said I really hope that we both get through this &*(
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Hi Kate. I hope we both get through this too. ^&^
I think my "bag" is more scarey since I opened it up recently and took all of the tablets out of their boxes. They remain in the bubble pack but I have overwhelming urges to pop them out and handle them :-\ What's that all about ? This crisis seems to be be neverending. Even one moment when things are not so black would be a huge step.
Moan moan moan moan moan.................................................................................................
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I know exaxctly what you mean about the 'bag' thing, Mamalou. I have hundreds of lithium tablets upstairs and only about 20 would kill me, so I class it as an option, and yes I find that comforting. The GP gives out 200 on each prescription, guess they're trying to tell me something!
Don't worry about moaning, though, this is one place no-one will tell you to feel as if you are.
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Thanks Beetzart.
Lithium makes up a large % of my tablets too. Along with some other pretty lethal things. My GP only lets me have 14 days of prescription at a time ! Can't be trusted!
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I have enough drugs to do the same too but have no intention of using them, I agree that its some sort of control thing, I also grow hemlock.
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At the moment, I do have plans to use my bag of drugs. I am constantly searching my brain for reasons not to. Haven't found any yet - apparently according to my psych I am totally dissociated. I can confirm I have no feelings or connections to anyone.
In the meantime,however, I am self medicating with lots of wine ! It's a great life anaesthetic. Takes the edge of the pain and numbs the rest.
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I hope you find reasons not to mamalou &*(
As an ex alcoholic I can tell you drink doesnt help
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&*( &*( for you mamalou.
S x x x x
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Thank you for reading and taking time to reply, even though I know things aren't that great for you guys too. Your'e a bunch of really special people.
Louise x x
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I hope you find reasons not to mamalou
Me too - hope you're ok tonight Louise x
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Hi Louise....I agree with Zaf; alcohol never helps. What concerns me is why you have so much medication in the first place.....don't you take your medication as prescribed?
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This episode of severe depression started in May 2010 and since then I have tried many different medications. When I became obsessed with suicide, I began to collect medication that I no longer took. I also have on several occasions decided to stop my medication all together. And then, I kept what I didn't take. This was always disasterous. I have bought alot of paracetamol too. I planned which chemists to go to to buy my maximum allowance, then on to the next and the next and the next. So all in all this is why I have so many drugs.
My husband has just mentioned that he is concerned by my drinking - I know it's not the answer but its so effective. :(
What am I to do ? Desperate for someone or something to help me???? I can't keep on like this - I am falling to pieces.
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Its terrible to feel like that, I've been there many times, dri king may seem the answer but in fact in the long run its a depressant so its not really helping :(
Is it worth hassling your GP for alternative treatments?
Z xx
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Oh honey, I really wish I had an answer for u, u aren't alone, that is the only thing helping me at this moment in time, and by that I mean this forum where I can say how I feel without being made to feel stupid. Wish I had a magic wand for us all xx
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My GP is not keen to make changes to my meds. Because I am under close supervision of the psychiatrist and have a care co-ordinator, it's all a bit difficult. My psych has already told me that I am on the best combination of drugs and that my only option now is ECT. I absolutely do not want ECT. He said that there is nothing more he can do for me. And that's how I feel too. There is nothing more here for me.
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No wonder you are at the end of your tether &*( &*( you have us here, hope this helps you some.
S x x x x
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p.s. Sorry Amanda and Shaz and Zaf - I forgot to say thanks x x x
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ECT sounds horrid but I think I might consider it if it was the last option to feel better, I really hope you can find a way out of the big back hole of depression xxx
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Today I got out my bag of drugs. I popped each pill from its blister pack and put them into a new bag. I sat rifling the tablets through my fingers and relishing the thought of the relief that they would bring. I was going to kill myself.
I ended up calling for help. I spoke to the local AMH team who were duly concerned.
I am still alive. I am sad.
I have to write this down as I know I can't talk to anyone about it.
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I'm sad you got that far but pleased you rang for help, you can talk to us anytime xx
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&*( for you mamalou, so sorry you felt so bad you considered taking the meds but so glad you asked for help.
We are always here for you.
S x x x x
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I am sorry you're sad today, Louise. I am concerned about the bag of meds and I hope you're not tempted at any time to take them.
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I too am concerned. Are the AMH team doing anything?
Xxx
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Not sure what is happening now as far as the AMH team are concerned. I'm really not worth worrying about.
I then had an appointment with my GP later. This was booked before today. I sat in the waiting room getting more and more agitated - I have terrible tremors. Then I just upped and left. I couldn't wait any longer. My anxiety had reached panic stage and I just couldn't bear it. I wasn't going to tell my GP the events of the day up til that point - I didn't know what to say. I had to get away. I ran up the street in a paranoid state. I am losing my mind.
I do not want this life anymore.
My head hurts so much.
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Mamalou &*( &*( &*(
Understand the agitation I get it too. I really hope something positive happens for you, you deserve it.
Xxx
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Lou !"!
So sorry you've been having a bad day. It sounded like I was reading about myself....that's exactly how I get, especially in the GP or hospital waiting room. I too have ran out the door and up the road like a mad man
Cat
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The waiting room terrifies me sometimes, I shake and feel sick so I always try to get there at the very ladt minute
Z xx
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Me too, I shake in the waiting room.
Hope you get some help you are definately worth it &*(.
S x x x x
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Today is almost over, the night begins, and then there is a whole new scarey day. I am not safe. I am captive to my thoughts. "£$
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&*(
S x x x x
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Oh Louise you've had a tough time there. Totally understand your doctors' waiting room experience - go easy on yourself :)
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Just wanted 2 send a hug,but couldn't find one!
HUGS X X X
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You are all so kind. Thank you for taking time. I don't deserve any of it, but am so truly grateful.
Scared about what today brings.
I'm beaten by this. Buried beneath the pain and desperation.
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you do deserve it, we are here if you need us
Z xx
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&*( mamalou. We are here for you.
S x x x x
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Hope today was ok :)
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Lou....sorry you feel sooooo bad. How did your day go?
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I don't really know what to say. Sorry. It's all too much. I don't have the words. Thank you again for your care. x
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mamalou &*( &*( &*(
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&*( &*( for you.
S x x x x
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&*( &*( &*( for you mamalou
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&*(
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Thank you for just being here.
x x x
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we're always here for you &*( &*(
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Second that, we are always here for you &*(.
S x x x x
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Third that xxxx
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Fourth :)
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OMG the phone is ringing off the hook........ I cannot answer it ......... it's making me have a panic attack......... I CAN'T COPE ANYMORE.
I'm so scared. :'(
Thank you again for your lovely messages.
x x
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Can you take the phone off the hook or turn the ringer off?
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Just unplug it &*(
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I didn't even manage to think of that ! Thank you. I will. x
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Hope your day gets better &*( &*(
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Hi All,
Just to let you know that I saw the crisis team yesterday and they are concerned for my safety. I have started to come up with plans for alternative ways to end my life and it's all getting out of control. They came out to my house and were very supportive. I have 2 hour appointment, today, to agree where to go from here with crisis team and my AMH care co-ordinator. I am hoping they don't suggest hospital again as I have such terrible social anxiety and I think I would just be scared being there.
I want to say a huge thank you again for your support here, you are all truly appreciated. If I can make it through this alive, maybe I can be helpful / supportive in return.
Louise x x x
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&*( hope your appointment goes well to day and you get the help and support you deserve.
&*( &*( &*( &*(
Take care
S x x x x
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I hope your appointment goes well today xxxxxx
Maddy
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Me too, thinking of you xxxx
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Thinking of you, glad you're getting some help.
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So, I went to my meeting. It was bizarre. It was me and 3 other people. My therapist, my care co-ordinator, access and assessment mental health nurse.
I sat there, they all looked at me, and no-one said anything. Bearing in mind that I can only manage to say " I don't really know" to eveything, it was all a bit awkward. I was desperate to be back in my lounge under a massive blanket wanting to die !
Then the million dollar question " What do you think we could be doing for you Louise ?" OMG I don't know. I don't know what's available , I don't know what I need, I don't know anything !
So finally it is agreed that I will have support over the weekend to reduce the likelyhood of me attaching a hosepipe to my exhaust. Then, we review again next week.
Is any of this truly helpful ? I don't know what will help but I'm not sure a 5 minute phonecall and a short home visit is going to make any difference.
Sorry for the moan, but thanks again for the support.
Then it begs the question " What do I need ?" and I can't answer that.
I feel suicidal, frustrated and hugely vulnerable.
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Crumbs, I thought they were meant to help you!
How useful is them not saying anything suppose to be, hardly makes you feel comfortable, and as for asking you what they could be doing for you...
You're perfectly justified to moan.
When you are feeling vulnerable etc it's really hard to know what you want, you just want others to make decisions for you, or at least thats what I want.
Hang in there and we will be here for you, I can pick up messages on my phone so will keep an eye out.
xxx
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Thank you so much Buttercup. I thought perhaps I was being unreasonable, so I'm glad it seems not.
I definitely need decisions made for me at the moment. I thought my care co-ordinator was supposed to step in with what she thought would be appropriate at the moment.
Feel pretty let down really.
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I think they are treating you appallingly mamalou, you are not being unreasonable at all &*(
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Sorry you are having so many frustration with your car, Louise. Sometimes I think they don't know any better then a layperson except they have a piece of paper to show otherwise. I am at my wits end with it.
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We'll be here for you, on here, if you need us :) Go easy on yourself and I hope things improve
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This is crazy asking what you want them to do for you - you want help I thought that was what the meeting was for. They should be saying to you what they will do. Anyone in our situation would feel the same, its hard to say or know what we want when we feel so bad.
As Whiteadder has said we will be here for you &*( &*(.
S x x x x
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Thank you so much guys. This place is such a haven. Love you all ! x x x
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&*(
S x x x x
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So, I'm still here. I survived the weekend. Had a home visit from Psych Nurse on Saturday and I will be seeing someone today.
is focussed on. I have very little motivation to change anything.
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnn ,<=
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&*( hope you get some help very soon. Thinking of you.
S x x x x
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My message should have read - " It's amazing how exhausting it is when suicide is all your brain is focussed on".
Plus, just had a call from the crisis team, who should have been here at 10am, to say they can't come until later ! I had been psyching my self up for their arrival and then they didn't come ! Now they are coming at 7pm when the entire family are here - nightmare !
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That really is bad of them :(
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That's terrible, as if you can postpone your crisis
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This is crazy - you need them now not at 7pm!!
&*(
S x x x x
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What a week. Barely any support from the crisis team. The crisis team didn't come again after the brief 7pm meeting. Then I had a call to say that they were going to come to visit me and discharge me on Thursday !! So, I mustered up enough strength to say that there was no reason to come and visist me to discharge me as they hadn't really been around very much ! The woman on the phone was really stroppy with me and kept challenging me - she asked me 3 times if I was making a complaint ( which I certainly wasn't but probably could have ) So, that added alot more stress and anxiety to my, already, delicate state ! She had the nerve to update the Mental Health system to say that I had called to discharge myself !!!!!!!!!
Could do without it to be honest. I feel totally rubbish. These teams are supposed to support :-\
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Their treatment of you is despicable, no other word for it
!+_
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Its disgraceful how you have been treated Mamalou, they are a crisis team for goodness sake - its totally disgusting.
S x x x x
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I agree thats absolutely awful >:D