Depression Forums

Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: purple1988 on June 04, 2012, 09:47:21 PM

Title: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: purple1988 on June 04, 2012, 09:47:21 PM
I have had depression since I was a teenager and I'm always getting negative thoughts. It's just recently I can't seem to get rid of these suicidal thoughts and keep thinking of how I'm going to kill myself but I couldn't do it to my partner. I love him and he's always there for me even when I keep going on about wanting babies, when we can't afford it and struggling with money. Everything seems to be going wrong for us, like his ex not letting him see his daughter, his car needs fixing, this laptop needs fixing and we need to decorate our house. I know things will get better but it's all getting on top of me & I sometimes feel like running away from it all.. I don't want to talk to a councellor or see a doctor as Medication doesn't work for me. It just makes me feel sick and ill. I don't like attention so I'm not going to tell any of my friends or family about this as they have enough problems of their own. I just need someone I don't know to talk to.
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: whiteadder on June 04, 2012, 10:05:02 PM
Hi Purple

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling that way. Lots of people on here have had similar feelings. I would say that if you're having suicidal thoughts you really do need to see your doctor as a matter of urgency.

Money worries and things going wrong can seem overwhelming - I felt overwhelmed by them last week. But things will get better and you will feel ok again.

Take care :)
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: mrmoody on June 04, 2012, 10:24:00 PM
yes indeed I keep thinking about it alot, that sometimes I wish I had the guts to go through with it, imagining it and doing it. Sometimes I think I would be better dead and sometimes wonder if I would miss out on something good happening if I was dead.
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Beetzart on June 04, 2012, 10:47:45 PM
Hi Purple.  I would suggest seeing a GP about these thoughts, it is not healthy.  Saying that I get them too and when I tell a doc they don't seem to take much notice.  But they will pass.
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Buttercup on June 05, 2012, 01:15:26 AM
Same here. I get those sorts of thought but couldn't follow through as I couldn't do it to my hubby and children. I too mention it but it doesn't really get much response, I think the logic is that since I haven't done anything that's a positive  :-\
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Catbrian on June 05, 2012, 12:56:29 PM
Purple....I've had secret thoughts of suicide for many years now. It is only in the last few months when I "came out" about it to both my GP and a Psychiatrist. Their very supportive response has actually taken some of the intensity away from daily suicidal ideas.  It's always good to share your thoughts no matter how dark they may seem.
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: purple1988 on June 05, 2012, 04:43:07 PM
I don't want to go to the doctors, as last time I went cos I was feeling sick everyday and I keep getting sore throats in the mornings but they just told me to get a pregnancy test (I should of told them I would be fat by then as I had to go back a few times about the sickness and they would always ask the same thing!) I'm def not pregnant!! I also asked if I could have a blood test but they said no, that's why I don't want to go back about this depression thing cos I feel like they can't be bothered with me and think I'm making myself feel ill by worrying about it. Doctors piss me off!
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Zaf on June 05, 2012, 04:44:30 PM
Is it worth considering changing you GP? 
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: purple1988 on June 05, 2012, 04:47:08 PM
I have to a few doctors and they all asked me to get a pregnancy test.. They all seem useless. There's one I do like but she's hard to see as she's always booked up!
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: mamalou on June 05, 2012, 07:17:08 PM
Hi  Purple

I spend alot of my time ruminating on suicidal thoughts. I find that sometimes I want to reach out as they are uncomfortable thoughts ( i.e. I want to act on them) but the response I get is variable and often frustrating. Other times I live along side the thoughts and the urges and am unable to discuss them with anyone.

The one thing I can say, in my experience, is that these thoughts sometimes change priority in my mind so I can begin to live again, and other times I am barely aware of them. At times they are all I think about.

Hang in there, and if you feel you can, push for the support you need ( easier said than done I know). You are worth saving, looking after and keeping safe. Depressive illness is cruel and at times, all consuming.

Sorry for waffling. x x
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Catbrian on June 05, 2012, 08:18:21 PM
Hi Purple...I understand exactly what you mean about GP's.  £*$

It sounds like you are not feeling too great, both physically and mentally.  From experience, both usually go hand in hand. It is very important that you feel able to approach a good GP. If you are not satisfied, why don't you consider changing them? 
I found I was able to move around a couple of GP's in the same practice until I found one that seems to take an interest in my care. Make sure they are taking your depression seriously and absolutely insist on blood tests as part of your treatment.  If you do not spell it out for them, how can you expect them to know how best to help you?

Recently I had a bad experience with a Psychiatrist I have been seeing for 11 years now. I didn't feel he was listening and I felt unhappy that we were not reaching agreements over an up-to-date diagnosis.  It is very difficult to stand up to these people, especially when we are at our lowest.  However, our recovery depends on a good working relationship with the care provider. In the end he agreed to refer me onto another Psychiatrist. It made me feel like crap for criticizing his practice but Iam sure a fresh look at my "issues" can do a lot of good. Take strength from, us and visit another GP
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Wabbithunter68 on June 08, 2012, 04:43:23 PM
I feel the same way. Have had depression on and off since I was a teenager, but have suffered from it badly for the last ten years or so. I periodically just want to give up and die but I have a daughter whom I'm very close to and just couldn't do that to her. So instead I pray for death. I'm just so tired of all the pain. I can't give you any advice, just know that you are not alone.
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Beetzart on June 08, 2012, 05:24:29 PM
I feel the same way. Have had depression on and off since I was a teenager, but have suffered from it badly for the last ten years or so. I periodically just want to give up and die but I have a daughter whom I'm very close to and just couldn't do that to her. So instead I pray for death. I'm just so tired of all the pain. I can't give you any advice, just know that you are not alone.

I feel the same as you.  I have two young children, and like you I couldn't do that, I hope anyway.  Although I am tired of everything, and don't fear death at all.  Is it wrong not to give a damn anymore?
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Ezel on June 08, 2012, 05:29:45 PM
Living with suicidal thoughts is horrible.  It's something I am living with more and more these days and have learnt to live with these thoughts. I find writing about it stops me from going ahead with commiting (or trying to) suicide.
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Zaf on June 08, 2012, 05:39:28 PM
Death is a very comforting thought for me in a lot of ways but I no longer contemplate killing myself for a variety of reasons and I hope that feeling will continue
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: mamalou on June 08, 2012, 08:51:05 PM
Death is the light at the end of my long dark tunnel.
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Got on June 08, 2012, 09:48:51 PM
It is worrying that you feel this way. Suicide is not the option. If things get any worse please ring crises team.

Your depression is temporary perception and the cure is not suicide.

Love Steve X
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: mamalou on June 09, 2012, 03:13:02 PM
Stevie,
I'm exhausted and totally desperate right now. It really feels that there is no other way out.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post.

Louise
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Catbrian on June 09, 2012, 07:01:05 PM
Louise...believe me, I can relate to what you are saying about death. My depression has taken me to that spot many times. You must remember, however, that this is your depression talking. Once you have recovered from this dark moment you will look back on this with a stronger understanding.

Hang on in there....call someone or write some more

Thinking of you
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 09, 2012, 08:33:02 PM
In a really bad place :-( don't think I can do this anymore
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Zaf on June 09, 2012, 08:34:24 PM
Can we help?
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 09, 2012, 08:36:03 PM
talk to me, anything, dont care    please
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Sweetpea on June 09, 2012, 08:39:02 PM
We are here for you

S x x x x
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Zaf on June 09, 2012, 08:39:43 PM
We are here to to talk xxx
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 09, 2012, 08:44:21 PM
mum on phone in tears today, dad controls her so much, meant to go away with them, family holiday he decided after i booked and paid for to pull out, husband livid, also control freak, not allowed out or have friends, he hates my friends, talks to me through kids, son smashed windows mowing, i get screamed at i should be cutting grass, i was at work, so many other things for such a long time, all got too much today with my dad
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Buttercup on June 09, 2012, 08:46:15 PM
Really, really feel for you Amanda, have you told anyone else about this?  &*( &*(
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 09, 2012, 08:48:46 PM
been with him 17 years, like a running joke, whats he done now kind of thing, try and tell whoever will listen no one takes it serious, no one knows how close i am to topping myself today, really had enough, i thought my parents were ok, its too many things wrong all at once
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Zaf on June 09, 2012, 08:51:12 PM
Its must be a really difficult situation Amanda, somehow you do need to speak to someone to help you loosen the grip your dad husband have over you, there must be some sort of help groups around xxxx
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Sweetpea on June 09, 2012, 08:51:55 PM
Feel for you Amanda I was also married to a controling man, its very hard  &*(.

S x x x x
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: mamalou on June 09, 2012, 08:53:18 PM
I have removed my post as it doesn't feel right.
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 09, 2012, 08:53:56 PM
school run, work, school run, home, clubs, thats it, anything else he calls, wants photo evidence sometimes of where i/we are, there is no free time, no time for 'groups' trying to see this out until little one self sufficient, dont think i can last that long
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Buttercup on June 09, 2012, 08:55:05 PM
Hi Amanda, can you get yourself to A&E if you think that you might follow through with your thoughts?

Xxx
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: mamalou on June 09, 2012, 08:56:22 PM
Also removed.
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Sweetpea on June 09, 2012, 08:57:52 PM
I had to leave my ex, he controlled everything, from what I could wear etc.  Did nothing for our boys I also worked and ran the boys everywhere.

It takes some guts but I left and have never regretted it.  I so feel for you being in a relationship like this.

S x x x x
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 09, 2012, 08:58:08 PM
how do i explain that one, no, if its over its over, no 20 questions, nothing to face, no consequences rubbed in my face, its just over
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Zaf on June 09, 2012, 08:59:38 PM
Amanda, you need immediate help, the other issues can be tackled later, please phone your on call doctor, the samaritans or get to A&E
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Buttercup on June 09, 2012, 09:00:54 PM
Agree with Zaf
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Sweetpea on June 09, 2012, 09:02:52 PM
You need to get some Help Amanda, I agree with Zaf, deal with the other issues when you are safe.

 

 
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Buttercup on June 09, 2012, 09:59:39 PM
How are you doing Amanda?
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 09, 2012, 10:03:18 PM
have called samaratians
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Buttercup on June 09, 2012, 10:05:20 PM
I'm glad and hope that they can help you  &*( &*(
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 09, 2012, 10:08:30 PM
thankyou :-(
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Sweetpea on June 09, 2012, 10:09:10 PM
Thats so good to hear Amanda, hope they can help you get through this.

S x x x x
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 09, 2012, 10:29:47 PM
Sorry :-(
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Buttercup on June 09, 2012, 10:36:38 PM
Why are you sorry Amanda? We are here for you  &*( &*(
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Sweetpea on June 09, 2012, 10:51:38 PM
No need to say sorry, we are here for you  &*(.

S x x x x
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: whiteadder on June 09, 2012, 11:35:22 PM
Amanda. I've only just seen this. Really hope you get the help you need and that somehow things start to improve for you.
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Buttercup on June 10, 2012, 09:19:04 AM
How are you this morning Amanda? Xxx
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 10, 2012, 09:26:54 AM
feeling bit fragile, shaky, mentally exhausted, scared myself big time yesterday, wasnt in a good place, the bad place isnt ever far away, in tears again talking about it :-(
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Buttercup on June 10, 2012, 09:41:01 AM
Sorry, I hope things improve for you  &*( &*( &*(
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 10, 2012, 09:42:23 AM
No dont say sorry, u all have done so much just to listen, very grateful x
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Buttercup on June 10, 2012, 09:50:21 AM
I'm pleased that we've been able to help in some way, we're all here when ever you need us.  &*( &*(
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Sweetpea on June 10, 2012, 12:48:21 PM
I'm with Buttercup, just glad it helped, we are here for you.

S x x x x
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Zaf on June 10, 2012, 07:03:50 PM
How are you doing now Amanda?
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 10, 2012, 07:35:36 PM
Not the best, in laws round, been rough day again, keep wanting to cry for no real reason, emotionally all over the place, want to hide from the world for a while
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Zaf on June 10, 2012, 07:44:08 PM
 &*( &*( &*(  I hope things improve soon, dont forget we are here to support you if you need us xxx
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Amanda on June 10, 2012, 09:25:56 PM
thankyou so much x
Title: Re: Does anyone else keep having suicidal thoughts?
Post by: Catbrian on June 10, 2012, 09:30:10 PM
Hope you will feel better very soon, Amanda.