Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: pinkcasi on May 23, 2012, 10:40:19 AM
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Ok then, I apoligise if the content of this message upsets anyone, im not looking for help or reassureing words, im just ...well i guess im feeling good about it all now thedecision is made.
I've decided i am going to kill myself.
I've asked my boyfriend to be there with me when it happens, i dont know how he's going to react he's pretty against this kinda stuff, and i dont think he understands a lot of it.
I know that im happy with him, i love him and i love our life i just cant do this anymore, im going to lose him if this carries on, i dont want to be like this, the good days are ok and the bad ones are well you know pretty black, im tired of it all, 20 years of fight, there's only so many times you can do it and im done.
I've been good these last few days, haven't cut myself, havent cried, been alright then yesterday i woke up and just couldn't, i slept the whole day away then cried and damaged myself, i dont get it, i thought i was feeling better, i just dont want it anymore, my boyfriend worries constantly i dont want that for him, hefrets that im hurting myself when he's not around to look after me, he worries about me looking after his son, cos i cant be trusted i guess, im going to lose it all everything i've worked for and i cant, so im going to go, and i feel relief, the thought of being free truly free of all of this, it makes me smile.
I hope i can get my boyfriend on side with it, it's my life after all.
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Please reconsider, call the samaritans, get an emergency appointment with your doctor or call 999
Z xx
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I know youre trying to help but this really isn't a cry for help, i didn't post this so people would say Oh no your life is worth something please dont, thought i dont know why i did post it, perhaps just because i feel relief for the firts time actually making the decision, i dont want to be talked out of it i dont want to be stopped, i know my boyfriend wont go along with it though so im not sure really what im telling him for, he says he's worried he's going to come home and find me in a pool of blood so i guess im trying to include him so it's not a surprise, so we can be together in this
Right now in this very moment i have no idea what im doing, the decision is made the letter written, im at work so it'll not happen just yet.
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I agree with Zaf. Pinkcasi, please don't do this. It is the depression talking, and if you go through with it it will have claimed another victim. Is there anychance that the more you think about it the less likely it'll happen, seeing as you are at work now? I do know what it feels like, I have been there many times.
My heart goes out to you, but please get help!
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I've been there many times too and although I still continue to battle with depression I'm glad I never got beyond the planning stage. Death is totally final, you may think you want it now but do try to find the strength to fight this horrible illness.
Z xx
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I dont know where else to turn i really dont, im lost, totally lost, it's like i've tried everything over the years and i always get back to this point but end up bottleing it i dont want to do that, i just dont want to be here anymore and i cant think of another way to make things better.
I feel like they should lock me up and throw away the key, i would say i want to feel 'normal' again but i've felt like this for so long that i dont really know what that is anymore.
Some might say that the fact that i've said it here and to my boyfriend means i dont really want to go through with it, that im just attention seeking or something, maybe that's true i dont know i ust know i dont want to upset him by doing it without him knowing, do i want him to stop me...? I dont think so no.
The one thing that scares me not succeeding, of screwing it up and ending up in hospital and having to face my mum and work and stuff.
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At least two people that use this forum have tried suicide and failed, you could well end up phyically badly damaged and still no better off.
What on earth would your mum think if you commit suicide? How do you think it would affect her?
Z x
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Please phone the samaritans or the crisis line. The one thing that stopped me from doing this a few months ago was the thought of my partner coming home and finding me dead and everyone blaming him (including him blaming himself) that he had not stopped me from doing it. Please don't do this to yourself or to your boyfriend, he will never get over it
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Please think about this, the people who will be devastated. Please call and get help.
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Each time I have tried to commit suicide I just did it, no notes, nothing. Fortunately I've only ended up in hospital once which was back in 1998. I did have that near death experience that you hear people having. I was walking to the bright light, people were walking towards me and a voice kept saying 'it's not your time, go back.' l even saw my body on the hospital bed. You know what? It didn't make me feel any better and no matter how low I get, and yes I have been suicidal since then, I choose not to. I know I can help others simply by talking about my own experiences and listening to others. There are even people I have got to know online that don't know that they have stopped me in my tracks about taking overdoses.
Remember it's the peope who you leave behind that will be affected by it. I know my husband would have found it very difficult to cope if I had succeeded in killing myswlf.
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I attempted suicide in 1996, I was 18. My life was an utter mess; no job, partner, or money. Something happened one evening and I walked into my dad's garage, found some rope and pulled it tightly around my neck. I remember drifting out of conciousness and saw my best friend standing by a gate just looking at me sort of like it was a dream. Then after how ever long my arms dropped and the rope slackened and I'm still here. This wasn't planned, there was no note, it was a spontaneous decision, that seemed right at the time. I didn't care about life, just like you don't now, but there is always something to live for no matter how small or unimportant it might appear to others. Apart from your family there must be something about this world that you treasure, no matter how vile (the world) it can be. For me it is the thought of missing out on learning stuff. That is possibly my purpose in life, to read, listen, and explore. I'm pretty sure we only get one shot at this adventure. I have made a hash of mine up until now but I'm not going to let an illness, no matter how it infects every crevice of your skull, beat me. I know that is easy to say and probably doesn't help, and I could very well be suicidal again soon.
I've rambled on a bit but I'll leave you with a short message my GP said to me when I went to him feeling suicidal. I took my sick note, got up to leave, he then looked up at me, smiled and said 'You'll be fine'.
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i know life is worth somthing and i value everyone i know good or bad,and i know i should value mine but it's hard when you feel like this and playing the guilt card is just low.
i talked to my boyfriend tonight an surprise surprise he's not with me on this he says he's not ready to let me go which is nice i guess but im not ready to tell my doctor that im a danger to myself, hospitalistation no matter how necessary it might be is not an option i want to ask for
i dont want to die, i justdoint want to be here anymore, it's the only way out i can see, 20 years of hell is a long time,20 years of pretending and hoping im tired.
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I cant say it gets better, i cant lie. But the fact ur boyfriend is still around shows ur worth fighting for. I wish i had Of got help when i was ur age, before i had toO many things i could loose. I dont want to send condesending i just beg to seek help now, trust me the next ten years will b no fun if u dont. Just think by this time next year u could be happy & healthy, how great does that sound? But only if u get help. Stay safe & strong xxxx
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Please post in the morning so we know you're okay &*(
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Hey, i dont really know what to say, im posting so you know im ok, but im a bit numb in the brain today.
I tried to get in to see my dr this morning but he's not in till next week so i guess im on my own.
I felt so relieved when i made the decision but somehow by telling people you guys and my boyfriend, by talking about it it makes it sound ridiclous, i do this all the time i think about it and it seems like a good idea then i start thinking about my boyfriend, and my neice and what if i fail how do i explain that to work, what do i tell my 7 year old neice so then i bottle it, but i want it so bad.
I just honestly dont know where i go from here, i feel like im drowning and i dont know what to do.
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If your doctor isnt there next till week could you get to see another one?
Z xx
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It was hard enough to find one Dr that appeared to give a damn, i dont want to have to go through it all with someone else, i dont even know what they can do to help, im on the pills, im trying to be as normal as i can, im still coming to work even though im getting in late doing barely any work talking to no one and leaving early, i just spend the day desperately wanting to be at home wrapped in blanket crying, the Dr is going to just up my meds which will take weeks to kick in, what do i do in the meantime.
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I wonder if it would be best to be signed ff so you can hibernate for a bit? It certainly helped me
Z xx
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Yeah i was thinking about that but im worried abut my sickness at work im already on stage 1, though that said if im planning on doing away with myself why do i care huh, im scared thugh if i see the Dr and tell him the truth that he'll have me sectioned, that scares me more than anything.
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I thonk you have to be a serious danger to others or yourself before you can be sectioned, I've told my GP in the past that I've ad suicidal thoughts and there wasnt a hint of being sectioned
Z xx
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Yeah but the last time i saw him he asked if i felt i could keep myself safe, i said yes of course, but now i cant say that, im a total danger to myself.
Anyway i tried to get an appointment and there are none for today, i have to call in the morning for an appointment if i 'feel it's urgent for the day' ha! in the meantime im going home i've just told my manager i cant do it it's takign all the energy i have to not burst into tears.
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You do need to tell the doctor you have suicidal thoughts, and if necessary the receptionist if they mess you around with an appointment tomorrow, I know its not easy, I have made myself an appointment with my GP next week and I'm dreading it.
Z xx
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Its so hard getting past receptionists sometimes :(. You must tell them its urgent, you need help now not next week.
S x x x x
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pinkcasi, I should have stood my ground recently about seeing my GP recently. However our surgery has a triage system in place which means ringing up for an appointment then waiting for a call back from a nurse then making an appointment. I got so frustrated that i caved in and told the nurse to forget about it because I was so depressed. We are seriously thinking about changing doctors because I find it difficult to deal with the staff. It's something that maybe you should think about as well.
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I think it's mostly the same everywhere unfortunately, you only get seen if you can really push for it and people like us can't push for it.
The last time I saw the dr I told him that It's so hard to get an appt and when I do it's a different dr and I have to go through it all again so I just don't go and he said he'd get the receptionist to call me to make an appt to ensure I get on with him, she called me that same day, unfortunately that appt is 2 wks time, I can't wait that long but my dr now is away till next wk i dont know that I can wait that long either, I can't go to work tomorrow I know that much, I'm supposed to go out for a big retirement do tomorrow but I just can't face all the people.
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My surgery is similar. They used to have a system where you ring at 8 am to get in, no pre-booked appointments unless it was a couple of weeks in advance, but it did mean you could get in that day if you were persistant and patient. They scrapped that to a free for all, so if you ring on a monday for a appnt on tuesday it will be two weeks tuesday and maybe longer if you want to see a particular dr. I just ask for emergency appointments but the receptionists always wants to know what's wrong; so I feel guilty when I say mental health problems. But I mean come on she isn't a triage nurse so how can she differentiate with what is important or not, she could turn away someone with a possible life threatening illness.
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Ive definately decided im not going to work tomorrow and i feel better about it however i've also decided im going to try and get in to see a doctor and am really anxious about that, i hate having to go through it all again when all i want is more meds and a sick note, i honestly feel like i just need some time, i cant keep going to work, it's hard to get up in the morning everyong thinks im lazy i roll in late spend the day trying to not cry then leave early, i've tried so hard to keep it togethre but im done, totally done, i just hope thie dr is as understanding as the last one.
Thanks for all your help guys i do appriciate it.
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So I tried to get in to see a dr and surprise surprise no spots today even tho it was 3 minutes past 8, (appts released at 8am) I asked when my dr is back, Tuesday, she asked if it could wait till then and what was I supposed to say'no sorry that doesn't fit with my plan to kill myself on sat' I just said 'yes thank you goodbye'
I certainly don't think my boyfriend will just let me alone to see my plan through, I did dream about it last night, sometimes it's hard to know what's real and what's dream.
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Thats crazy, all the appointments gone at just after 8. Just hang on until you can see your own dr on Tuesday, glad your boyfriend is going to make sure you are safe.
Take care
S x x x x
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When you do get to see a doctor, perhaps mention to them the difficulties you've had getting to see them. They might have a system for flagging you up with the receptionists for kind and flexible treatment! Take care :)
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well i did the last time and my dr got the receptionist to call me to ensure i got an appt with the same dr, but that's 2 weeks away, and that dr is off till next week, i should be stronger really and tell the receptionist that it's urgent but i just feel like im being a drama queen, plus i cant be the only person at that surgery struggling, they cant have all of us flagged can they.
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Tell them you're suicidal and if you ont get an appointment today you'll call 999
Z xx
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Hi how are you?
I've been reading this with great interest as it struck quite a chord with me. It wasn't that long ago I was suicidal myself.
I just felt I needed to tell you that I too had completely given up on life, and had a number of failed attempts under my belt and increasing paranoia.
When I was brought before my gp though.....not my choice....even though I was completely honest with her that I wanted to die, I wasn't sectioned.
I was told that I was a danger to myself...mainly due to the paranoia, so she told me to go voluntarily to the hospital. I have to say, it was the best move I ever made. I had a complete break away from everything and everyone and my brain could go on shutdown knowing no one could get to me and I could just be alone....no pretence of being happy.
I just wanted to say that even though I had failed attempts and a plan of what I was going to do that afternoon, I was not sectioned....but I did go voluntarily.
Please take care
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When I have felt severely suicidal and lost all hope I always imagine I would get fobbed off at hospital. What happens?
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Ok, it was a mental health unit....which was the bit that freaked me out initially. I'm sure we all feel the sane that its everyone else that is wrong and not us. But after the consultation with the crisis team which happened within a couple of hours of seeing the gp, I was told which hospital would accommodate me.
I don't remember much about arriving there.....but you are assigned a nurse who is with you 24hours a day. Wherever you go, they go. You don't have to speak to them, they don't talk to you, but its just to monitor the 'threat' level you are to yourself.
Having them there was great though, it was like talking to a wall that could listen. I told them everything, and it felt great to finally shed years of problems.
After an initial period, the one on one watch over you is stepped down till eventually a mutual trust is achieved and you can really have alone space.
There is daily sessions with a counsellor.....this is also to try and recognise the help you need when you leave. So they monitor the meds to make sure you are on the right ones, and they try and get the required help for you when you leave.
I know I have gone on a bit there....but I hope it has been of some use. I was petrified of a mental health ward, but it was nothing like my imagination was making out.
It's not a magic cure, but its the start of real help. I'm not better, which is why I'm on here! But the suicidal tendencies are now just passing thoughts that I'm confident I couldn't act upon. And should it get really bad, I have a phone number for the crisis team who will always be there to help.
I really hope that helps you all who are as scared and paranoid as I was.
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Oh, sorry, I meant to also say that the doctor explained that going voluntarily meant that it doesn't stay on your medical records, where as being sectioned does.
So it was a relief finding that out too.
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Well it's Sunday and im still here, my plan was to do the deed last night but i had a good day yesterday i dont know how i feel aboutit to be honest, even when i feel good i still want to go that's how i know it's right when im thinking clearly and calmly and it still feels like a good idea.
Im petrified that i'll end up in hospital either by force or being convinced to go by choice, how would i explain that away, it feels like my only choices are to just go and be done with it or to keep it to myself and battle on.
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It sounds as though you've kept your depression to yourself for the most part, isnt it time to admit you are ill and get the help you need from family and friends?
Z xx
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Well my family and friend know ive suffered in the past they just dont know im suffering just now, my mum thinkis i came through it all and im 'normal' now i dont want to ruin that for her, plus if they knew they would think it's my boyfriends fault because of the timeing but i stupidly came off of my meds at the same time he moved in that's why.
I really dont know what to do, do i go to work tomorrow? I just tried to call the dr's my Dr is fully booked for Tuesday, so do i see someone else or do i wait for my dr, do i go to work tomorrow? i feel ok at the moment but the thought of going to work makes me feel sick.
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It might be time to start to tell them, perhaps not the full whammy but that you're not 100% at the moment.
If work makes yoy feel like thst I wouldnt go in and get an an emergency appointment with whatever doctor is available
Z xx
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You have to be comfortable with what you reveal to others but personally I found that hiding the truth from loved ones was neither positive nor sustainable.
If you feel you need help, you really should get that help. Work is of course important but your health is more important :)
:)
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I personally think you should take the day off work and see the emergency dr tomorrow. If necessary you can always make a further appointment to see your own dr afterwards.
S x x x x
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to be honest i think youre right the thought of going back makes me feel sick and know ive bitten the bullet and have been off (thurs afternoon and fri) i dont really want to go back just to go off again, i feel better after being off but i know it's short lived i think the sensible thing to do is to see someone tomorrow if i can and get them to sign me off and up my dosage, i'll probably keep the whole suicide plan to myself until i see my own dr. that's ok isn't it it's not skiving is it?
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Of course its not skiving pinkcasi, your ill so your taking time off. Really feel for you, hope you manage to see a doctor tomorrow and get some help xx
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It certainly isn't, you need to see a dr to help you get well. If you don't feel happy telling the dr tomorrow about you suicidal thoughts please make an appointment to see your own dr as soon as you can.
Let us know how you get on tomorrow.
Take care
S x x x x
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totally agree with IceLolly and shaz
Z xx
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I called this morning and couldn't get an appointment until tomorrow but that's ok, it's not with My Dr but it'll have to do i guess, i honestly dont know what im going to say.
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write it all down before you go pinkcasi, I often burst into floods of tears at the doctors or forget what I need to say, if the worst comes to the worst I can give him what Ive written or just check if Ive said everything I need to
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I agree. Definitely write it all down and most importantly is to be really honest.
It's definitely NOT skiving either. I had to leave my job altogether when I was at my lowest...it was such a relief to have that pressure gone.
Good luck for tomorrow
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I do hope it goes ok for you with the dr tomorrow. Good idea to write things down.
S x x x x
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Hey guys so I saw the dr today, I don't really know how honest I was, I tried but it's difficult when its someone different, he said he doesn't want to raise my dose as I'm on quite a hefty dose for my weight (pah) he's signed me off for a wk to see me through till I see my dr nxt week which is ok, I feel better knowing I don't have to attempt work.
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At least you do not have the pressure of work to worry about. Hope you get some help from your dr when you see him/her.
S x x x x
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What he's done sounds very sensible, I'm glad you dont have work to worry about for a few days
Z xx
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Yeah I feel so much better not having to fret about work, just have to worry when I go back, I had atos phone me today to make an appt for nxt wed for a phone conference, the dr said they're reasonable I doubt that!
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I'm glad that you don't have to worry about work for a few days, hope you get to see your own doctor next week and you get the help you need xx
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Well done for going and being truthful to him. I understand completely how difficult that is as I have been at that point myself.
I'm glad you are signed off work too. And for just this time please don't worry about going back, just get your strength back and see your regular gp next week.
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Ok so today im dying my hair and doing my nails, i've let it go for way to long, i had my hair cut yester to make myself feel better and today im dying it, i have so much other stuff to do, washing up, washing, vacuming, general housework and im really not sure if it's the depression stopping me or just good old fashioned laziness.
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Good for you :) Try the chore and reward system to do the housework, it usually works for me
Z x
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pinkcasi, you made me smile - very possibly it's a bit of both.
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Yeah i think it was probably mostly laziness, but i've dyed my hair done my nails, went to pick up my newly heeles shoes, done the washing up put some washing up and am just tackling the vac'ing, it's been a productive day :)
Having a clean house makes me feel much better, but vac'ing and polishing to do, then i just have to pack for my weekend away.
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then i just have to pack for my weekend away.
Hope you have a lovely time :)
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You have had a productive day, hope it made you feel better for it. Hope you enjoy your weekend away :).
S x x x x
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THanks guys it'll be nice to get away but im anxious as it's a family wedding, all my boyfriends family, in Glasgow, so im feeling the pressure but im sure it'll be fine.
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I can understand why you might feel pressured, but I'm sure it will be fine once you get there. Have a good time :) xxx
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I've already had to take an anxiety pill an we'e not even going till later, i recon i'll be popping them all weekend, either that or i'll be totally fine and wonder what i was freaking about, hopefully the latter!
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I hope so to, I often find that I will be really worried about something and when it actually happens I am fine. Then I am annoyed with myself for worrying about it in the first place. :) I hope it going okay, you deserve a break and a good time xxx
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Hope it goes ok for you. I always find big gatherings quite stressful.
S x x x x
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Thanks guys i do find your words comforting ;D
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Just so you all know Glasgow went really well, it wa stressful and at one point i did cut but mostly it was good, now my boyfriends son even says he wants us to get married, so i guess he approves of me.
Ive been to the Drs today and will be going back to work on Monday, i also had my phone call from Atos and the lady was really nice, she talked about a stage return to work so i'll be working 4 hours a day the first week then 5 then 6 until i get up to the normal 7.5, that'll really help as im so exhausted all the time.
Things are good just now, i dont want to curse it though, but fingers crossed.
Hope youre all well xx
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Glad it went well. How lovely that your partners son want you to get married.
Hope the return to work goes well for you.
Take care
S x x x x
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That's nice what your partner's son said.
Hope work goes well :)