Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: woozywoo on May 19, 2012, 11:32:33 AM
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Title says it all really!!
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So so low,signed off work,pushing ppl away,yet feel incredibly lonely!!
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Its a cruel illness :(
Z xxx
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Woozywoo, so feel for you.
You know we're here for you.
Xxx
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Life is just 2 hard.
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It is sometimes :(
Z xx
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&*( woozy.
S x x x x
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I feel the same *hugs*
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Hugs 2 you 2 sallas.
hAve wanted 2 post on here but day,but have tonsilitis. Which 4 Poo reason rmakin me feel incredibly sick. Have felt this way all day. Throat improving cos of antibiotics. But mood very low,but cant post 4 support. Off work 2 weeks now as well. Just cant cope
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I had tonsilitous during the week, i can defo relate. its horrible, my whole body ached. Im very jealous of ur two weeks off.
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Sallas its sick leave. I am desperate again and if i dont take the time i am heading 4 a melt down,breakdown whatever.
Sorry i cant offer help on your post. Will message you when the tonsilitis and sickness passes. Its not easy,but you cannot do this illness alone.i believe even if you try it does up in destruction,Thats certainly my experience. If the lemonade doesn't stay down c ontact nhs direct and just chat 2 nurse 2 get some advice about what 2 do,cos otherwise you will just get weaker if you not even drinking water!
Hugs x x
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I hope u feel better. Thanks for the advice, i live in ireland so the medical aide of things is not that easy but thanks. I hope the two weeks serve u well, relax and sleep loads! Xxxxxx
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Feeling loads better in terms of the tonsilitis.
But depression is at an all time low. Feel soooo needy and lost.
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Good to hear your tonsilitis is better. Sorry you are feeling so low, has anything triggered this?
S x x x x
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Glad its abit better ur prob over the worst of tonsilitous, stay strong & try rest as much as possible, it can come back really easily. Xxxx
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JThere are lots small things and one big thing that has triggered this bout, though it started back in January.
Numb and empty are a couple of words that best describes where i am right now!
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Also off work and feeling low here. You're not alone - hope you start to feel better soon.
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Thanx,not a nice feeling though is it!?
It took me a while 2 accept i needed time off,and still feel incredibly guilty and worried about implications when i go back,but guess i just need 2 deal with that at the time.
How long have you been off? I was off 2 days last week,this is beg of 2 weeks this week.
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I'm on week 3 so far, having had a breakdown...after 10 years of trying to just keep going and going. Know what you mean about the guilt and worry. Kind of a Catch 22 when you can't face work but can't face discussing with them why you can't face it. Feels strange I know but you have to look after your health as priority number 1.
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Hi
I'm also off work, well I had to resign from my teaching job :( after 6 weeks I started supply work but had to stop that aswell, under the advice of GP and psych.
I empathise with both of you, it's a rubbish situation to be in.
Xxx
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Hey... have been checking in and reading posts on the website, but i havent felt up to really typing much.
I have fought all year to keep going in my job as a teacher, but i just couldnt do it anymore. This is now the end of my second week off and the doc has just given me a certificate for another 3 weeks.
It took me hours, practically all day to build myself up enough to phone and inform headteacher.
i finally feel after 15ish years of suffering i am getting some help that will actually make a difference. The empathy and support from my consultant in the last couple of weeks, has actually been overwhelming. In the first meeeting i had with her, she urged me to get the Headteacher to refer me to occupational health. As they will help support me and eventually integrate me back into the workplace. I did this and 3 weeks ago, my headteacher said she would do the referral.
I spoke to occupational health yesterday to chase up the referral as i havent heard anything, but they havent got one for me. So when i spoke to the head today i enquired about the referral. She said she hadnt done it yet, as she was waiting to see if i was getting on ok, because i may have changed my mind about it being done. Basically she then went on to say that the referral this time will have implications with regards to my fitness to work because i was referred to them back 4 years ago when working at a different school and after 5 months off work, they did a phased return to work with me. She says that because i have been ionvolved with them before this will move the process onto the next stage.
Surely they are there to help and support keeping me in work if possible? My consultant totally thinks being referreed to them is the right thing and i trust her. But why is the headteacher making this a negative thing. If she had made the refereral 3weeks ago when i originally asked then maybe i would be returning after half term. As it is, i am now going to have to wait at least another week and a half before i here from them because of the bank holiday. Its just all too much for me to take on board at the moment.
Thanks for listening to my rant...
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Feel for you Woozywoo.
I ended up in a similar situation at the end of last year, I had been signed off by my GP for six weeks ish and the GP was telling me that I shouldn't go back after Christmas. I made the decision that when I could go back I would see about part time. When I spoke to the head teacher she wasn't really sympathetic but said she would look into a job share and then came the kiss of death, "course if your still signed of and can't cope then we'd have to look at competency" At the time I was in a really bad place and decided that enough was enough and resigned. A bit drastic but my GP seemed to think it was a wonderful decision.
Now I'm just waiting for my GP and psychiatrist to say it's ok for me to work again, but every time I think about it I get a huge wave of panic.
I really did think that the whole idea of Occupational therapy was to keep you in work and I don't think the attitude of your head is helpful at all. Glad you've been signed off for 3 weeks though, you need to concentrate on getting yourself well and try not to worry.
xxx
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Feel for you Woozy, this seems a crazy way of thinking by your Head.
S x x x x
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There seems to be so many teachers on here who are suffering with depression and so many more of us who have had jobs or work situations that have made them ill.
&*( for all of us
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Hang in there woozywoo :)
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work is my problem too but I did notice how many teachers were suffering in here from depression
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Well here i am at this silly hour. Should be asleep,want to be asleep,but cant sleep. Its my own fault for not gettin up until very late yesterday afternoon,but i have nothing to get up for.
I am laying in bed,trying to rid my mind me everything,but i just cant. I have am appt with my consultant tomorrow,who i see weekly at the moment,but Didnt see last week. Since last time i saw her, 2 weeks ago,i feel like i have gone badly downhill. I have been goin over all the things i want to tell her 2morrow,i will write a list before i go,feel like the medication is puddling my mind at the moment. Doctor 2day asked me how i was feeling. I cant put it in2 words. Im numb,another side effect of the medication.
Why do i keep feeling like this? I know its goin to improve,but thats until it happens again! What is the point? Why cant i just find someone 2 love and care 4 me for who i am? Why is life such a struggle for me,when there are ppl out there who love it and live 4 the moment!
One thing that is gettin me down at the moment is feeling unwell. I never seem to be able to wake up and feel ok. I feel tired,have a headache,feel weak,feel sick,Im achey. I know its all part of here i am mentally at the moment,but i am soooo sick of it. I want it all to go away,i want me to go away. I dont want me to exist any more.
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Thinking of you - hope things look up soon :)
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It seems a never ending circle sometimes woozywoo but I genuinely believe things do get better over time
Z xx
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Thanx guys.
I am goin downhill rapidly!
I am just goin 2 try 2 eat something and then post a little more. More for my sake really,need 2 get stuff out!
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Not expecting anyone 2 reply,this is more for my need 2 get everything out. I cant see a way forward anymore. Things are slowly falling apart all around me. I think i know something one minute,but then they are sayin something different. Something they havent said before.
Im so confused about who i am and what i want. How on earth do you start working that one out. I havent done anything bad in my life but i want one of 2 things. 1,scrap this life and start afresh or the preference 2,not 2 wake up and have a life at all.
I dont know where to turn next. My docs are just putting all my care in2 the hands of my consultant. One who i found privately as the nhs provision Didnt suit me at all. She has had 2 cancel my last 2 appts,but i have 2 set up for next week. One of them was goin 2 be 2day and i think Thats maybe why i havegone downhill this afternoon,i was relying on that appt 2 get everything out.
I always used to cry a lot,but i find i cant this time around. And i think maybe the ppl around me dont think i am suffering to badly,cos i am not crying all the time. But i feel like i am quietly dying inside. I have withdraw from everything and everyone. I am numb and empty.
This is when i struggle to be alone. This is when i need to have someone sitting with me. I need to be told its goin to be Ok. I am scared that it will never be ok again. The pain is intense. I am emersed by pain and nothing eases it. Nothing
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Find and hang on to a good counsellor if you can, they can help us explore and find answers to the type of questions you're asking yourself
Z xx
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Really feel for you. I get the 'don't know who I really am feeling' a lot.
It's really hard when you build yourself up to an appointment and it's cancelled, sort of feels like your lifeline has been pulled away.
Hang in there
Xxx
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I agree with Zaf, I found a very good counseller and found it to be such a good help. She made me understand and cope with my feelings.
Take care
S x x x x
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Thanx for your replys.
I dont plan on letting the consultant go,she has been amazing and actually restored some
of my faith in the health service,though i am seeing her privately. I feel as though someone cares and wants to support me in gettin better.
But its the usual sort me feeling as i lay here in the dark. Its just over whelming and scary. Im goin through a low time now,was last this bad about 4years ago. But the worst thing is i know it is goin 2 get a lot harder before it gets better. I dont feell strong enough to cope with 2morrow let alone what 5-6months down the line is goin to bring me. I am refering to the break up of my relationship. I had made up my mind what i was goin to do but the last few days my partner is talkin differently about something. Which is confusing me but i still think its best the relationship ends. I am just absolutely terrified of hurting him. This is all stuff my consultant said we re goin to work through,but its all whirring around,i cant switch off again!
I hate this time at the moment,but i cant see a way to make this time of nite any easier on myself. I am rambling now,sorry!
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Don't worry about the rambling, I often do on here almost as a way to try and slow things down so that I can process my own thoughts, if that makes sense.
Is there anyone you can use as a sounding block? One of my tutors from a couple of years ago is brilliant somehow he helps clear things in your mind without actually giving any advice.
xxx
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I think that makes three troubled teachers up late and fretting ;)
Glad it's going well with the consultant and hoping things turn out for the best in terms of your relationship
x
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Lol, I guess it does Whitadder ;)
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I feel bad that i keep posting here and people reply because i dont feel up to replying to anyones posts and even if i did, i wouldnt have anything useful to say, but i just need to type.
I have had what i would call a relatively normla day, which is a little unsettling. I have just chilled out, relaxed, done some reading, bath, cooking etc. But now i am sitting on the sofa with a feeling of doom and gloom. But why? I have an appt tomorrow and i guess i am going through what i want to discuss there, so dont know whether thats it, but its just horrible. I hate having an ok and then ending it like this. Grrr
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We all have periods when we can help and when we need help or just go quiet, if you need to post but dont feel up to posting elsewhere thats fine, one day you might be able to help someone else :) xx
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thats ok, sometimes dont know what to post or say myself. hope your feeling better soon. anything specific? sometimes I get a feeling of dread for no particular reason. I guess like me you have an awful lot going off at the moment so the slightest thing sets it all off.
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Thanx Zaf.
No trigger, sometimes i wish there was a trigger, would help to explain where the feeling comes from.
I am off work at the moment, my school go back tomorrow and i guess i do miss some of the people i work with. I know i have people who care, but it does feel as if no one cares sometimes. Right now it feels like i am the one and only person in this world who feels like this. Im being irrational i know, but its how i feel.
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&*( Woozy, I know when I am bad it feels like I am the only one suffering. You are not alone here and just post when you feel you need or want to, there is no pressure to post.
Take care
S x x x x
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woozy....Sometimes we give and at other times we take as much support as is poss. I don't think you're rambling at all. It's good to share. I can relate to your overwhelming scary feelings of dread. I find my own mental health scares me to death. When I'm at my lowest I'm haunted by just how precarious the human mind really is. We think we're in control until our whole beings are completely overcome and possessed by depression. That scares me to death.
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Agree with Shaz, there is no preassure to post.
Hope the appointment goes well tomorrow, do you think that could be the trigger for the downturn? Maybe thinking about what you are going to say.
Xxx
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Thank you for replying. I never really feel that i can help others, i dont have those qualities.
But i feel as though i need all the support i can get, you are right Catbrain, but i feel bad because its the same old story all the time. My story hasnt changed for many years but i am not strong enough to change my circumstances.
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Some circumstances are hard to change Woozy, it's not that you're not strong enough.
Xxx
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But sometimes it feels like i am not changing the circumstances because i am absolutely terrified of being alone.
I just want to be happy
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I can understand that Woozy.
S x x x x
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woozy....do ya want to tell us what stuff you wanna change? I spent yrs putting up with stuff I couldn't change just because I felt too depressed to deal with them. Then I tried new medication and suddenly all that crap I had been putting up with became unacceptable. I was accused of being aggressive when I began to confront the
s***/issues.
It's good and wise to take "one day at a time". I try not get too upset with myself because of the bad position I am in. We live....we mess up...and then we learn. Try not be too hard on yourself. You might not feel strong today but one day that will change.
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I remember saying the same thing Woozy, if its what I think it is, it takes courage but you can do it, I did.
S x x x x
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I am in a 13 year relationship that needs to end. Things havent been great for years. We both have our own issues and we dont seem to work anymore. We also want very different things from the future.
BUT we get on well. We still enjoy each others company and laugh together often. But its more a brother/sister relationship now.
I know deep down i want more and he cant give that to me, but i am terrified of being alone and never meeting anyone who wants to put up with me and i am worried about hurting him. He is a good person and doesnt mean harm.
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I thought it was something like this, you need to think of yourself and your happiness. I was scared of being alone too, but I couldn't cope with the miserable situation I was in. Being alone was for me, better than what I had. I am now very happily re-married. But if I hadn't met Craig I would rather of stayed alone than suffer anymore. Hope this makes sense.
S x x x x
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I can understand that woozy. I remember that fear only too well. I think that is why I adopted the "celibacy attitude". Taking time out for myself sort of took the sting out of feeling so lonely. Would you really want to jump from one relationship to another?
Who can tell what will happen in the future. I wonder if you talk it over with your partner. I really feel for you on this one, woozy
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I can understand that Woozy. Do you think he feels the same way?
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We have tried talking it over and i get the impression he doesnt want me to leave. But i also want something in the future that he doesnt and i cant let that go.
I am just fed up of it. Its not the cause of my depression, but it is affecting my emotional well being. I have been battling for years with this issue in relationship and for more years with the depression, tired of it all.
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Have you thought some sort of counselling, either jointly or alone? xxx
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I agree with Zaf. Xxx
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I suggested joint counselling years ago but he never wanted to. In the last month or so, he did say about it. But i think there are too many things that are different now.
I see a consultant that i am doing privately and she is wonderful and i think better than anoy of the counselling i have had in the past.
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It might be worth giving it a shot.
Great to have found a good counsellor, they're worth their weight in gold :)
Z xx
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woozy perhaps if he is asking for joint counselling now then it might be good to give it a bash. It sounds like you get along really well. Perhaps there is still common ground. Sometimes when our depression is lowest we misinterpret things around us. You mention he isn't the reason for your depression but perhaps you need space away from him to work through what is causing your depression.
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Had a consultant meeting 2day,which went well.
I have been off work for 3weeks now,2more are planned and then maybe more. Consultant doesn't think i should return until Sept. And at the moment,i am feeling that to.
But basically have had a call from the school asking me if i will write the end of year reports for the children. I told my consultant and she said that is not aceptable a that thke head shouldn't be asking that of me. I just wondered what the other ppl and teachers views on here were. I am at the stage me writing a timetable with my consultant in terms of my daily routine,just 2 give am indication of where i am personally. I couldn't say no to the reports,but i am not up to doin them otherwise i would be working.
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Hi Woozywoo
Personally, I don't think they should have asked you to do them, you're off sick!!!!! The uncaring attitude that some people show just annoys me!!
I think it would be too much for you to write the reports, lets face it they're hard enough to do when you're perfectly well, let alone ill. I understand that you feel it's your professional responsibility and that you owe it to the children but you also have to think of yourself.
Just after I went off sick my school asked me to do an informal parents evening, I did the first night, when my GP found out, lets just say he was not amused and wrote a letter saying that I was too ill to do the other one or to make any decisions with regard to my future. This actually made it easier for me as it wasn't me saying no, if that makes sense. I wonder if you could do something similar.
xxx
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My consultant has offered on several occasions 2 write to the head teacher.
I am worried about how the head teacher will treat me when i return to work at the school though.
I just want it to be taken out of my hands,i dont want anything to do with it.
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They are not allowed to pressure you to work whilst you're off sick. I think that even asking you to do so may be illegal. Perhaps a letter from your doctor would be helpful. How are you supposed to get better if they don't allow you time away from work pressures?! This is so wrong.
Now there is an option on your Dr's note for the Dr to say you 1. are unfit to work (FULL STOP) or 2. You could work with support or a phased return. Unless this was ticked, your school need to back off and leave you alone!
Hope this doesn't affect your recovery too much Woozy :)
x
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I am not a teacher, but I think this is very wrong, you are off sick because you are ill. If you were ok you would be at work. You do not need the pressure of writing reports.
S x x x x
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I agree with everyone above
Z xxx
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/>.I totaly agree with everyone....the school have a bit of a cheek. You would not get anymore thanks for your efforts, anyway, I'd email them or get someone to write/phone. You are too unwell and that's the end of it. I'm sure it's against the law for them to even contact you during sick leave. Some people take the p ;)....
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I am worried about how the head teacher will treat me when i return to work at the school though.
I can understand that, but at the moment I think you need to concentrate on you. They really shouldn't have asked you.
Xxx
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I have decided that i am not in the right frame of mind to be able to write the reports.
But what do i do now,i dont feel like i can talk to the headacher because Im not sure what her reaction will be. I know i need to let her know asap!
It is acceptable to take the consultant up on her offer to call or write to the head for me? I just give up will all this!
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I would definitely ask your consultant to send that letter xx
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I agree if it was me I would get your consultant to send a letter to the Head.
S x x x x
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Do you think a letter is sufficient,or should i contact her as well?
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Maybe write her a letter, explaining that you are not up to doing any work as your consultant advised you not to. Or something along those lines.
S x x x x
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It might be a good idea :) xx
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But as silly as it sounds,i am scared of talkin 2 her. I feel sick and panicky just thinkin about it!
Thanx for replying though x
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By writing a letter you wouldn't have to actually speak to her, you could say you are not up to talking on the phone and that your consultant will explain in a letter he/she is going to be sending her. That way you are keeping lines of contact open.
S x x x x
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I agree with shaz but if you really feel unable to write to her I'm sure the consultant's letter will be enough xxx
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But as silly as it sounds,i am scared of talkin 2 her. I feel sick and panicky just thinkin about it!
Sorry haven't been around today.
This is exactly how I felt, the mere thought of it made me break out in a sweat of complete panicky fear. I eventually went for the email route, that way you have evidence of your correspondance.
Maybe say that you have been advised by your consultant not do undertake the task and that you are not in the right frame of mind. Maybe mention that this can be supported by a letter from your consultant if needed.
I guess what I'm trying to say is take your consultant up on the offer but only use if they don't play ball.
Xxx
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I have written a simple letter explaining that i and my consultant do not think i am fit enough to be able to write the childrens reports. I am going to send it tomorrow.
I have to put myself first and its probably the first time i ever i have done this.
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Good for you woozy, think we are all guilty of thinking of ourselves last.
S x x x x
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In my opinion you've done the right thing. Don't feel you have to apologise for putting yourself first - the school will have to cope while you get well :)
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Thanx guys,its wrong,but its hard 2 put yourself first. But i really appreciate all the support on here!
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Argh! In the last half am hour i am having a panic. Sayin no to the reports is goin to cause problems. Not all my records in school have been kept up to date,i have struggled to keep on task!
Headache,panic,sick
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So woozy.....are you worried you'll be in trouble for not keeping your records up to date?
This is precisely why employers are not supposed to contact employees when they're off sick.... you could do without the additional stress.
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Brilliant writing that letter, they are in the wtong contacting you, dont worry about the records, they will manage without them
Z xxx
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Not all my records in school have been kept up to date,i have struggled to keep on task!
Don't worry about that. That is to be expected from someone who is suffering from depression. That's why your off. They will just have to handle it. :)
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Agree with Whiteadder
xxx
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Thanx guys. Well email sent. Was originally goin to print out and send,but it would take to long,needed to know it was there asap. If no reply after a couple of days will email again and ask for confirmation,just to know she has it!
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Well done Woozywoo, does it feel like a relief? I guess it will feel better when you have a reply.
On my email there's a box I can tick that then tells me when an email I have sent is read.
Xxx
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I prob have that,but didnt think. Good idea for next time though buttercup
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feeling pretty fragile and sorry for myself. No trigger,just had a bad day. Woke feeling less than good,which was then the theme for the day. Been out,done a few this,spent time with family,but have wanted 2 hide away 2day. I keep telling myself 2morrow is another day,but needed to get through 2day before you can get to tomorrow!
Can't stop thinkin about my future,where it is heading and contemplating being alone because that is what could be happening soon. But feeling as though there is no hope for me in terms me relationships,I guess I am just destined to be lonely and alone. Just a very scary prospect.
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Tired,low and really fed up 2day.
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&*( me too
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And me. Lots of love to you both x x x
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Sorry to hear that guys,hugs to you both!
X x
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For you Woozywoo &*( &*( &*(