Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: autumnchilde on April 26, 2012, 03:48:07 PM
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Hi Im new and I need advice, help, I don't really know what I want im so confused.
I don't know what to do about the way I am feeling right now, I'm 37 and have suffered from stress/anxiety issues all my life which I have tried to tackle on my own using self-help book methods, Reiki, Bach flower remedies, Bottles of "Kalms" you name it, this has in a way carried me through years of nerves and anxiety. I've also always suffered from mood swings but have put this down to PMT and just feeling down in the dumps.
This past 4-5 months or so I've noticed these mood swings have increased in their frequency and intensity and Im now confused about my emotions and feel like im sinking into what I can only describe as a black well where I sit at the bottom looking up at the light where everybody is happy and normal and i just want to hide at the bottom in the dark.
I'm having mental fights with myself about how I think I should be trying to pull myself together and snap out of it as I know I have very little to be so depressed about. I don't know why I feel this way, I cant express why. I know part of it (I think) is because I DETEST my job to the point I feel physically sick in the morning at coming into it. But then I think maybe It's not the job it's me and maybe i'm unwell and it's altering my perception of my feelings towards my job and causing a vicious circle.
I've noticed myself how I've changed. I've become increasingly introverted, I snap at people at work because I just want them to leave me alone, but then when people do leave me alone I start to mentally beat myself up about what a nasty horrible person I am and why would anybody want to approach or be my friend, I feel so lonely and am desperate for friends but the friends I do have I push away because I feel they are only being nice just to be polite and that when I go away they are relieved. Some days I feel fine so then I persuade myself that I was just having an off day but then it always returns. I find it really difficult to integrate and socialise with people, I then can see the look in peoples faces thinking im distant and vague and un-friendly, but I'm not, deep inside, I know I can be funny and chatty. But that person seems far away a lot of the time.
I feel like i'm having constant mental arguments with myself. My mind conjures up "dialogues" with people that ive had an argument or issues with (as trivial as somebody cutting me up in traffic) where I enact in my mind what I wish i had said but this time the internal dialogues give into wantintg to resort to violence.
I've started to completley fly off the handle about the most trivial of things to the point of going into tirades of swearing about really silly things. I've started to get into trouble at work and have had a verbal warning already because somebody has made a complaint about me (and I dont blame them they were right). I can see myself doing what I'm doing and the looks on peoples faces but I can’t stop myself.
I cant seem to cry either, I feel most of the day an intense need to break down and sob my heart out but the cry is rolled up in a ball in my chest which feels like being physically choked and I cant let it out.
But this past month I've started getting on average 3 times a week an overwhelming sense of complete hopelessness and not wanting to live anymore, that life is completely pointless for me, frustrating and going nowhere and that it's just one big dissapointment and I want to die. I know I wouldn't becasue I love my parents and my beloved cat but the wanting to just not wake up, the need to get off this planet is starting to creep into my daily thoughts and its scaring me.
I feel completely jaded about life and people in general. I seem to have lost all empathy towards most people, I see sad things, get told things by colleagues and aquaintances both happy and sad and I feel nothing, completely numb. This can't be normal?? The only thing that makes me feel anything is being around animals.
I've spoken to a close colleague at work who says I should see a GP. I keep swinging between taking her advice and booking an appointment but am scared that they will either just laugh at me and tell me that everybody has their off days and to just go home and stop whining and that people will think I am an attention seeker. But also on the other hand I would be relieved if a doctor could actually confirm that that there is something wrong with me and that I am ill and not just a genuinly nasty, negative and horrible person. I have an intense self-loathing of myself.
I'm sorry for this huge ramble this is the first time I've actually tried to put my feelings into words and express and I guess I just want some peoples opinions, thoughts. I think I'm going nuts.
Thanks for reading.
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Hello and welcome,
I really think it would be a good idea to go and have a chat about how you are feeling, maybe write things down so its easier for you to take with you. I am sure your dr will be understanding, alot of people suffer. He/she will maybe offer medication to help you. I also feel that counselling helps so maybe you can also ask about was could be on offer to you.
You are not alone.
S x x
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Hi and welcome
If you told your GP how you felt then I doubt he/she would say you were having an off day.
As Shaz says, you're not alone. We are here to listen and help if we can
Kate x
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I really do think you need to see your GP
Z xxx
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Thank you for the replies, I will try and book an appointment tommorrow, I need to get this sorted out, I cant carry on like this.
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Thats good to hear, hope you get an appointment.
Take care
S x x