Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: Keren on April 23, 2012, 01:30:40 AM
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Hi, for years I have blocked out my past but it has caught up with me. Ever since I was little I was beaten and verbally abused by my father. He used to snarl in my face like a dog and tell me I was worthless and useless. He used to call me 'it' and I was never allowed to get upset because to him it was a weakness. I ended up not being able to look people in the eyes because I had no confidence and I stopped talking. He made me terrified of doctors, telling me horror stories of mental hospitals and promising me I would be put in one. From the age of 11 I realised he was raping my mum and I had to listen to it because it was happening in the next room to mine. I could never help her.. Now it has all come back to me and Im finding everything so hard. Im just about getting through each day at the moment.. I cry all the time now and I feel like I can't go on at times. Today has been very tough.. I can't talk to doctors, I am afraid of them and anything associated with them.. I have no family and my husband just scorns people who can't get over their past.. No-one has ever known about my childhood. I feel so alone and I don't know what to do... :'(
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Hello and welcome keren,
I really feel for you, you have been through an awful lot. Is there a female dr at your surgery that you could maybe see, this would maybe easier for you. You really need help to help you deal with what has happened to you in your past. Counselling and CBT would help you too. You cannot carry this with you on your own. Dr's and counsellors will have heard things like you have been through and will be understanding and of course it will be confidential.
&*( for you.
S x
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Hi and welcome Keren.
I had a tough time reading your post as it was a little too close for comfort.
I suffered in silence for many years until I was forced to see my GP. It did take a couple of visits before I was able to start talking about things, but she was very understanding and said how brave I had been. Don't be afraid of talking to your doctor, it helped me a lot.
Love Buttercup xxx
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Hi Keren, I agree with shaz, if you could find a female doctor you may be able to tell her how you are feeling and get some help
Z xxx
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Thank-you everyone for your messages x I had such a bad day yesterday I felt like giving up. It's good to not feel so alone. I'm sorry to sound negative but I'm genuinely frightened of doctors.. My father used to take me on sundays from the age of 7/8 to a mental hospital where you could see the patients in the grounds. It wasn't a good place and I saw things a child should never witness. He used to tell me horror stories of what happened inside the hospital and drummed it into my head that I would be put in there.. It terrified me so much. I've been frightened of doctors ever since and I haven't seen a GP for years. I have no trust in them (which I know is wrong, but it's the way I am). I feel ill just thinking about seeing one.. I don't think I'll ever be able to talk to a doctor. I hope you can understand why I feel like I do :(
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do you think you could cope with a counsellor?
Z xx
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It sends chills through me I don't think I can.. This is the closest I've ever come to telling anyone.. I get really panicky just thinking about it
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none of us are qualified or anything but we will help as much as we can
Z xx
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Thank-you so much. I really do appreciate it and I'm sorry to be so negative about talking to someone.. I know it doesn't help much that I'm like this..I've been like it for so long
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.>, &*( abuse is terrible to deal with and just remember you are not to blame for what happened to you or your mum, your dad is to blame.
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.>, &*( abuse is terrible to deal with and just remember you are not to blame for what happened to you or your mum, your dad is to blame.
Thank-you Pip, he was very manipulative and controlling.. he knew what he was doing
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I understand your fear of dr's and counselling. As Zaf says we are not experts, and we only have our own experiences to go by. But we will help and advise where we can, You have made a big step in joining the forum.
Take care
S x x
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Thank-you so much. I really do appreciate it and I'm sorry to be so negative about talking to someone.. I know it doesn't help much that I'm like this..I've been like it for so long
There is no need to be sorry, its not your fault.
Z xxx
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Thank-you so much for your messages.. I'm so glad that I did join this forum, it was only by chance. I was feeling like I couldn't go on last week , it became quite scary, so I just typed in depression to see what came up. I didn't know places like this existed. I still feel down, but not as bad as I did when I was totally alone xx
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Hi Keren and welcome, I don't have any advice apart from what's been given. This is a friendly pace, full of lovely people and we'll help if we can
Kate x
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Thanks for the welcome Kate.. I've been sorting through some things this evening. I haven't said before but I still live in the same house where everything happened. I know it's not a good idea, but it was out of my hands. My husband bought the house when my mum fell ill. She wanted it that way so she could stay at home as long as she was able to. It's so hard living here, there are too many bad memories everywhere, but there's not much I can do about it and even if I could, I wouldn't feel confident in an area that I didn't know. I've sorted through old photos and things of his that I haven't ever wanted to look at or touch. I've thrown it all out now. My hands are still shaking a bit, seeing photos was hard. I should of done it a long time ago
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Well done Keren, that was a very brave thing for you to do &*(
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Good for you keren, as kate says that was a very brave thing to do. Well done.
S x x
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Well done Keren &*(
Z xx
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I'm not sure it was such a good idea now. Im glad they're not in the house anymore but I should never have looked at the photos. I'm such an idiot. Im so tired and upset all the time. People think I've got a cold.. I just wish I hadnt looked at his photos! :'(
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&*( &*( for you keren.
S x x
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I'm sorry to sound so negative but I'm really feeling bad right now. I'm so,so stupid for looking at the pictures of him. His eyes had no soul and now I can't get his image out of my head. I really just wanted to get everything to do with him out of this house, but it's only made me feel ill. It feels like he's always going to haunt me. I haven't been able to sleep and I'm really shaky. Is it normal or is it just me being stupid? I wasn't expecting to feel like this. I wish I'd just left it all there now. Sorry to bother you.. I feel like I want to hide away somewhere :'(
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I think it's an understandable reaction. But hang on to the fact that they are in the bin, you never have to see them again. If you had left them in the cupboard then they would still be haunting you, knowing you would have to deal with it at some point. You have done it now and you should be proud of yourself
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&*( never think you are bothering us, we are here for you. As Kate has said they have gone now and you were very brave to get rid of them.
S x x
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I understand what you are both saying, that they are all gone now, but I still feel like he is here. I'm not that good at explaining myself, but it's as if I can still feel his presence here in the house. I sound like I'm paranoid now!but it's the way I'm feeling. I've had a bad day today, and I feel really guilty because I keep saying that.. I don't know if I'm supposed to be feeling better now or not.. At the moment I don't feel like anythings going to be getting better any time soon. I'm finding it so hard to concentrate on anything, even something like cooking dinner is hard.. I can't seem to sleep, yet I'm so tired. All I want to do is sit and cry, but I can't keep doing that. :'( I'm struggling
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Please don't feel guilty, you are in the house and you still have the memories even though you have sorted through his things.
You can write your feelings down here and we will listen.
Take care
S x x
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Sometimes I feel so claustrophobic living here. The memories are all around me, in every room I go in. I know it's the same after someone you love has died, but these memories hurt in a different way. Something happened in every room. I don't sleep upstairs anymore. Apart from my marriage being rubbish the bedroom is where he raped my mum for years. Thats what has affected me most I think. It has ruined my life, what I do, how I think. I sleep downstairs on the sofa and have done for the last 3/4 years now. It used to tear me apart listening to it happen. I don't even know how to talk about that, it's too horrible. The guilt I felt was extreme, and still is. I couldn't help her, he was a very strong man and was much bigger and stronger than me. But I've always wished that I'd tried to stop him. I did stand up to him sometimes when he used to hit her, but then he'd turn on me. He punched me in the side of the head once and knocked me out because I grabbed his arm to stop him hitting her... I've always had terrible guilt because I never asked anyone for help, but I was terrified. If I had said something to someone and they hadn't believed me, I would still have had to have faced him. I'm sure he would have killed me... He was such a popular person in public and everyone loved him, so I'm sure no-one would ever have believed me.. Even now I can't sleep at night without music playing because that's what I did to block out the sounds of the rapes. I just wish I could get it all out of my head
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Does your husband know how you feel about the house? Is there any hope of you moving? &*(
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He knows nothing about my past except that my father had a temper.He doesn't care about other people.He believes the past is in the past and you should be able to forget it.He heard someone upset about their past on tv years ago and said how stupid she was,that there must be something wrong with her if she couldn't get over it.. See why I've never told him? We don't communicate much anymore. If I had any family I'd leave.. It's his decision to stay here. I haven't really got a say in it, but to be honest it's always scared me to think of moving to a different area that I don't know. I'm not confident with new people and a new area would be daunting.. In recent years I had a fear of actually leaving the house, even going into the garden was very hard. I knew I had a big problem and it took me nearly 2 years to feel able to walk up the road again without panicking.. I didn't have any help at all, I couldn't tell anyone, and I didn't really understand it, but I suppose it was a form of what's wrong with me now. Thank-you so much for listening to me and trying to help, because it's so hard when you're trying to cope with something alone.. I think I would have been lost last night if I hadn't known someone would be listening here x
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Sorry you're having to deal with a really tough situation. We try and help and even if we can't help, we can at least be here to listen &*(
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Thanks Kate, it does help a lot. I'm feeling bad at the moment, I feel like I could just cry forever, I wish I could see an end to this.. I'm going try and read the posts on depression, I haven't liked to do that yet
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I’m not actually Steve Wellam, I’m a female friend staying with him but I thought I would reply to you. At some point I think you are going to have to bite the bullet and seek counselling. If it helps in any way you would be ideally suited to one of the Women’s Therapy Centres. I know of 4 towns where they exist, Bristol, Leeds, Glasgow, and London, where there are several. Because you have been indirectly affected by Rape, one of the Rape Crisis Centres might be prepared to help you. There are a lot more of those. The link below has a telephone number you can ring to find out the one that is closest to you.
http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php
I’d like to hope that you’ll recover on your own, but it really is so much easier if you have help.
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Please dont say that.. I cant think of it. I picked up the phone today to try and make an appointment with the doctors because i felt so bad but i just couldnt do it. I'm not going to be able to. I think I had a panic attack or something, my chest feels tight and my throat. Im in such a mess right now and my husband is coming home. i have to be normal and ive been in tears since i tried to ring. Im really scared at the moment I dont want to think about doctors , im sorry if i sound ungrateful, Im just in a mess at the moment
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If you want i can stop coming on here, if its not helpful for other people if they see im frightened of doctors,, i know i sound like Im not listening, i am, but Im really frightened
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Please keep posting, we do understand and we will be here to support you. You can only get medical help when you are ready to do so.
S x x
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sorry i panic so much at the thought of it. I did try. That was a few hours ago and Im still feeling ill.. my hands are shaking so much. I dont think I'll be able to do it. Im really scared of whats going to happen to me but i think id rather not be here than see anyone right now
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Please keep posting Keren. Only get professional help when you're ready to do so. In the meantime, we're here to listen and will help as much as we can
Thinking of you xx
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Do keep posting, we will help as much as we are able
Z xx
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Hi.. I really don't want to stop coming on here, you've helped me so much with your support. I feel so down, I'm really feeling sad. I don't really know what to do, I'm so confused that I'm feeling like this. I feel so alone at the moment, more than I've ever done. I'm sorry, but I can't think of seeing a doctor or anyone
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Do you think phoning the samaritans might help a bit?
Z xx
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I did think about it the other day.. I know you're going to think I'm so stupid but my past has left me so messed up. I seem to be scared of everything! I'm scared of breaking down in front of someone or even on the phone. I was made to feel so ashamed of crying or showing my feelings. I've managed for so long to get by, I thought I'd always be alright, but now this has happened and I'm lost.. I also don't want my husband knowing. He would treat me like I wasn't normal (and he'd be right I suppose!) This is the most I feel I can do
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I certainly dont think you're stupid, the samaritans wouldnt tell your husband and are used to listening to people who are emotional, i think if you look at their site you can email them, that might be worth considering
Z xx
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I'll have a look. If I rang it would show up on phone bills, which he sees. I could maybe email them, but I don't know if I'd be able to keep doing that. I don't know if that's something they do... I'm really sorry I sound so negative all the time..I know I have to try something but I just want to hide away..
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When I was first depressed there was definitely one or two places you could email, I'm sure samaritans were one of them
Z xx
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Yes, you can email the Samaritans if that's easier. I think you can email Mind too?
Take care and keep posting &*(
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I typed in 'fear of doctors'. What I apparently have is called Iatrophobia.. There is a lot of information, and forums. I'm so tired.. I don't really want to say all my past again but I'll have to if I want help won't I? I haven't looked at the Samaritans yet
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Maybe you could print off what you've posted on here and give it to them, or cut and paste it into an email, so you don't have to be distressed repeating it again?
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I agree with Kate, if you write down or print out how you feel, you can just hand this to the dr so you would not have to speak if its too hard. I am sure you are not alone in how you feel about dr's. I hate going and always break down so I find it hard to speak.
S x x
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I don't like the sound of handing it to them. I'm frightened that a doctor will have my information and will want to see me. I'm so frightened of being locked away, I haven't liked to say that to you because I know how it's going to make me sound. I know I have a huge problem.. It was drummed into me that I'd be locked away, he used to beat it into me so that I wouldn't forget. thats why i'm so petrified of all this.. I don't expect you to understand, I must sound crazy. I'm frightened I'm going to get on your nerves. youre going to lose patience with me. I'm sorry I'm like this.. sorry if i'm rambling, I feel like I'm at the end of what I can cope with..
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Im sorry about my message earlier. Im panicking. Is it better if I leave this forum? I know I must be hard work, . I dont know what to do but I will leave if its easier
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You are most welcome to stay, it does sometimes take a little while to get an answer, we arent ignoring you
Z xx
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Sorry, i didn't mean it like that.. I hope I didnt sound rude. I just meant maybe I should leave because I know Im not being much help.. I feel very vulnerable at the moment.. I did look at the samaritans. I'm going to try and leave a message on there tomorrow. I cant do it now. And sorry if I sounded impatient, I really didn't mean to x :(
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Keren, please don't leave. Keep posting. We are here to listen and help each other get through this horrid depression. We all need help at some point. That's how this place works.
If it's any comfort, in February I came seriously close to killing myself and even though I told the crisis team, the CPN and the psychiatrist exactly how I felt, I wasn't sectioned. But until I was honest, I didn't get the help I needed. I also found this forum, and the support of the lovely people here gets me through each day.
Thinking of you &*(
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I didnt think you were being rude or impatient Keren, you dont have to leave because you dont feel you arent being much help, just tale your time and we will help as much as we can
Z xx
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Please keep posting Keren, we understand the feelings that come with depression. We will listen and help where we can.
S x x
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Thanks for telling me that Kate x I came a bit too close to that today, I've never felt so low as today
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thankyou Shaz, and sorry Zaf, I havent really known what or who I am today.. all I know is I do need this place desperately
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&*( &*( Keren, we are here for you.
S x x x
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Hi Keren,
I can sort of relate to some of the experiences you have had, although mine arnt nearly as bad. My dad was an alcoholic when I was growing up, he used to get angry really easily and he would hit me, not often but he still did it when he was in a mad rage, sometimes it was because I had been naughty and others it was simply because I was just in the way.
Even now after he has turned if life around I am absolutely terrified of making him angry just incase he hits me again.
I am also not allowed to show emotions, I am almost 'banned' from crying in my house. If I do cry my mum shouts at me and tell me I need to get over myself and grow up, my dad just doesn't really care.
You have had a really rough time and I feel really sorry for you, big hugs and I'm thinking of you xxx
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Hi IceLolly, I'm so sorry you've been all through that. It's a nightmare to live in, especially to be so scared of making someone angry for doing the smallest thing, or by just breathing.. My dad never drank, I don't know what it was with him. He punched me full in the face once just because I hadn't shut the living-room door. He was just pure evil I think. I'm glad your dad has at least managed to turn his life around, but I understand so much why you're still terrified of him. Not being allowed to show any emotions is the hardest thing, it's what I'm finding now. Bruises, broken bones, all heal. But not being allowed to cry and to have to feel guilty and ashamed of it.. it's so cruel. I'm so glad you've found this place, especially if you're at home still.. Please don't be like me, will you? Don't ever be ashamed to cry,. thank-you for your message, xx
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I got as far as getting on to the Samaritans page but I couldn't do it. Sorry, I tried, but I lost my nerve
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no need to be sorry Keren, have another try sometime
Z xx
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What if I can't do it??? I don't feel like I'm ever going to be able to.. I feel so useless :(
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just keep trying - would it help to type it out all ready so that you can just copy it to the email when you get on the site?
Z x
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Just take it one step at a time, you're not useless and you don't have to be sorry &*(
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I know I'm going to sound stupid, please don't be annoyed with me, but I'm petrified of what they will do with the information I give them. I'm really so scared Zaf. I feel like I did when I was little at the moment. I feel really bad. My hands are shaking so much today. Don't be aNnoyed will you. I Don't feel like I'll ever Be able get better. I'm scared
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Just take it one step at a time, you're not useless and you don't have to be sorry &*(
. I'm just so scared
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no one here will get annoyed with you Keren, the samaritans are totally confidential and will never let your information go any further, if it helps why not open another totally anonymous email address and use that to email them from?
Z xx
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This is where i really am useless.. I haven't long been using a computer, I dont know how to do that and I havent anyone to ask because they would want to know why. It just feels so hopeless. I dont know what Im going to do. I don't even want to see a dr.. Im so confused today. I feel so bad, my throat feels closed up
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if you need help with sorting out a new email address just pm me, I'm no expert but will do what I can to help
Z xx
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&*( keren, just do things when you are ready and able. We are here to support you.
S x x
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i dont feel like Im ever going to be able to see anyone..
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Its much easier after you have seem someone once. The first time I saw my counsellor I was so scared and it was really hard, now I actually like going to see her and can quite happily sit and talk to her.
I know how hard it is to get help when you are scared, just take all the time you need and when you are ready you will get the help you need. In the meantime you have all of us here to support you xx Hugs xx
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thanks.. the way i feel at the moment Im never going to be able to do it.. i feel so bad today, its never going to go away. it feels hopeless, im in a bad place at the moment. sorry to sound like this. As i said yesterday, dont ever let yourself get like me.. i feel i cant get out of where i am now
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You will be able to do it, and you will be able to get better. It just takes time, if your not ready to get help then your not ready, its not your fault. When you are ready you will be able to get help, the first step is always the hardest, after that it does get eaiser I promise xxx
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thankyou for your message. i was really bad lastnight. youre right, i dont want to give up. i thought about what Kate said as well . thanks for saying what you did x
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^&^ Just wanted to send a hug. Haven't got anything useful to say but just wanted to acknowledge your post. Sometimes it feels good to know that someone is saying yes this happened to you and yes it really really matters and maybe this is the first step to dealing with your past.
Lots of love and a great big hug.
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Thankyou so much.. Im trying so hard to get through this but it gets too much at times, like last night. thanks for your message x
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&*( &*( Keren
S x x x
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Hope you're ok Keren
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Hugs Keren xx
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Thank-you for all your messages.. I was in a really bad way last night, I didn't want to go on anymore. I overdosed when I was 12, and last night was the worst Ive been since then. I don't know how I got through it, but I did.. Ive hardly slept for days now so I suppose Im on auto-pilot or something.. Im thinking a bit more clearly at the moment. I have emailed NAPAC to see if they can offer me some help, but I know I wont be able to see someone, I can't do that,. But after last night I had to try something.. .Ive been dreading tonight coming.
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Thats a psitive step forward Keren, well done :)
Z xx
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how do i sleep? i cant think straight im so tired. im s stressed,, my head hurts. i this doesnt feel like its going to end,
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ive emailed NAPAC. i hope ive done the right thing. i dont want to talk to anyone face to face
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That is a big positive step for you. Did you put in your email that you will find it hard to talk and would prefer contact by email?
Take care
S x x
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Thats a huge step forward, well done :)
Z xx
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I did put that i cant, or dont want to tallk to someone on the phone. I cant remember which now. Im so nervous now ive done it. Last night i felt that i desperately needed to talk to someone , i so nearly picked the phone up to ring the samaritans, but i couldntt do it. and it would still show up ont he phone bill so i cant anyway. Im feeling so stressed and tired
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youve made a huge first step, I'm sure they will realise you need to be contacted back by email
Z xx
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That was really brave of you, well done
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Hi, I've managed to find somewhere that can give me help and support just by email, which can change to on the phone support if I want it to. It's the only way I'm going to feel safe. I had such a bad day today (or yesterday) I was on the verge of giving up.. now maybe there's some hope xx
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That's good news Keren &*(
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Thats brilliant, well done for being brave enough for taking that first very important step
Z xxx
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Hopefully this will help me.. thank-you for all your encouragement when I've been feeling down.. I feel a bit more hopeful now xx
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Thats good to hear Keren, we are here for you ^&^.
S x x
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i didnt want to have to bother yiu all again , i thought id be ok. but im not. ive hardly had any sleep, just an hour last night. I have to put this on here because i could feel myself withdrawing from it just like i am with the doctors. i dont want to be like this, im scared of it. i feel like im going mad, i hope you dont mind me coming back, i know ive got a big problem, i need you to tell me im going to be alright,. im sorry if i sound all over the place but i really am scared.
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Don't worry, thats what we are here for :) :) :)
Not sleeping is terrible, it really makes everything seem a lot worse. I hate lying awake at night.
I kept my problems hidden from the world for years, just because I was scared to tell people how I felt. In the end I was forced to go to the doctors, I was in a situation where I had no choice, work told me to go and get signed off. With hindsight it was the best thing and TBH the only good thing that came out of that job. I know that I can't work for the foreseeable and realised that yes I have to see a psychiatrist and some people are funny about that, but I'm not going to hide it, I've done enough of that. I don't know what my family think and I don't care, I needed help. I'm bipolar and people get a bit wired about that, like I odd but I take the meds and it's ok.
I know your situation is different and it's really hard for you. But one day I really hope that you can see a doctor. I was scared I'd end up in a hospital, I was really wired and off the wall when I got diagnosed. But I didn't, it really is a last resort. Someday I know it's a possibility that I will but I'm not scared anymore, the psychiatrist told me that if it were to happen they keep you in for the shortest time possible.
Take care
Love Buttercup xxx
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we will never feel bothered Keren and we will help you all we can for as long as you need us to, depression can take a long time to recover from but I know its possible to recover from it eventually.
With love, Z xxx
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thankyou, i just thought tthat it would be ok but its not. i do keep this hidden, i have to, i dont have family but my husband , i he wouldnt like it. ive only been like this since i started reallly remmembering things, i just thought i would be ok but im not. the fear of doctors has got worse over the years but i never worried about it , now im like this and everything is rolled into one. i wish i could just see someone but it feels impossible,. i hope youre right and that is possible to get over it,, i wass looking at , i cant remember what theyre called,,,,,,,, where you post new threads, but i dont know where i would put mine,, is it best to just stay here? i need this as a base for myself, i had trouble coming on here this morning, i knew id be the sssame as the drs if i didnt get back on here. thankyoufor the things youve both said, my typing is bad but im so tired
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I will give you access to our private space Keren, you can start a new thread in there.
Z xx
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I'll post properly when you start your other thread Keren