Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: Simon123 on April 08, 2012, 07:44:27 PM
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Hi everyone, I hope you are all feeling as good as you can today.
Joining this Forum is the next stage of my attempt to reclaim some normality in my head and so I thank you all for reading this and sharing your experiences.
My depression started when I was 14 years old (roughly) although I wasnt officially diagnosed in any sense until 3 years ago. After what I now understand as the onset of my depression, my life was mixed between an outgoing school kid (in school) and a socially reclusive kid out of school. I found relative peace in solitude, whilst putting on a lot of weight and hating the world around me.
By the time I was 18 I was a self-harming (but thinner), suicidal, heavy-drinking mess. I had good friends by then who tried to support, but my behaviour was upsetting them and its very hard (as I am sure some of you may agree) to explain how depression feels, and what its like to really want to die, to someone who has never felt like that. Due to the intervention of my friends I stopped self-harming (I quickly learnt I was hurting my friends more) but still harbour a desire for the release to this day.
My friends used to find it hard to get me out of the house as soon as autumn came but I never thought anything of it; Autumn is so grey and cold and Its just no fun.
I moved away from my friends to live with my Girlfriend. I got a degree. I got a job which was nothing like what I wanted to do because it was the only job i could find which suited my state of mind: retreat, solitude, unsocial hours, reduced contact with people.
After an anxiety attack in a foreign country over not speaking the langauge, I went to a doctor. It was the begining of Autumn and the suicidal thoughts were creeping in. I dont know what you think but I cant really explain what's in my head to doctors for fear they will lock me up in a hospital so I just have to ride it. My Doctor put my on Prozac. I experienced feelings like I had never before: I was content, relaxed and calm. After a while my dreams got a bit crazy (as well as my behaviour) and I started to feel like I didn't need the Prozac anymore. It was March and winter was over. I came off Prozac easily and proceeded through summer without a hitch.
Next Autumn I tried Citalopram (I always know I've left it too long when the suicidal thoughts re-appear) which made me less crazy but wasnt quite as positive as Prozac (I didnt really feel the urge to do new things). Again I dropped it the following march but it was much harder than Prozac, with Headzaps and dizzyness making life a bit harder.
Following the next winter my wife gave birth. Holy S**t. It hit me like a 10 tonne weight. I was surrounded by people telling me I should be over the moon but I was deteriorating fast inside my head. I was back down the doctor for Citalopram IN THE SUMMER. Double dose given. Things calmed down a bit and I am now just off the last winters worth of Citalopram. She wants more and I am not sure I can put myself through it again.
And this is what draws me to this forum. Has anyone broken free of Medication? Does anyone have any tips for moving forward with life? Has anyone tried lots of medication and has a recommendation? Has anyone used CBT successfully to change their thinking and do you do it without wholesale changes to your life?
Thanks for reading. If you can see something in there you want me to share with you in more detail or you want to pick my brain please just ask. I hope that I can help you all and you can all help me.
Simon
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Hello and .>, To the forum,
I can relate to some of your experiences. I can understand the SAD as I am always worse in the winter months. Although I have been bad in the warmer months too. I take anti-depressants (Duloxetine) and I have come off them before but it just comes back within months. So my dr has said there is no reason I cannot stay on a dosage for the rest of my life as it keeps comming back.
I have had computerised CBT which did help. But I have found that counselling along with medication has helped most for me ( but we are all different), I have my counselling through MIND. She is very good and is not trying to change the way I think, but explains and helps me realise why I think the way I do. Which has helped a great deal.
S x
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May I ask why you feel the need to keep stoping the medication?
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Thanks for sharing :)
In theory I wouldnt have a problem sticking on Medication for long periods but its finding the right one. Citalopram has the tendancy to turn me into a dribbling wreck while Prozac turned me into a crazed and fearless daredevil. I am looking for a happy medium somewhere.
My funniest experience with a Doctor (although at the time I was livid) was one who told me to read a book on CBT to deal with depression. He obviously was unaware that I could barely concentrate on putting my clothes on each day and therefore reading a book wasn't going to happen in my then current state. It was the psycholical equivalent of giving me a pair of crutches and telling me to walk 10 miles to pick them up :o
Counselling is an odd one for me as I dont have any specific life triggers that i could pinpoint. I am currently doing a bit of CBT self help.
What is Duloxetine like? does it get you going or does it slow you down?
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.>,
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Hi Stevie,
It really wierd. It actually gets to a point where I fell like I dont need it anymore and the effects are counter productive. after baby I was on 20mg, then I went down to 10mg for winter as usual. by late feb/early march 10mg would knock me out. Citalopram is supposed to boost you (I used to call prozac "legal speed") but I just end up lying on the floor unable to move which is very frustrating for my wife and kid. I started doing 5mg every other day and now I feel ok (a bit low, not social, worried about future, occasionally think about suicide in later life) apart from the headzaps. I probably havent had any now for 1.5 weeks and I can function just not quite on the level I would like to be in an ideal world.
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I started off on Citalopram and then stopped working, then my gp tried several others. Eventually he referred me to our local Mental Health Team, the physch dr put me onto Duloxetine (Cymbalta). It works very well for me (but as I have said we are all different). I had side effects to start with, mainly feeling nauseas but would just eat little and often. Other than that I feel quite good.
S x
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U might gain a lot weight on cybalta that's why I came off
Sent from my Radar C110e using Board Express
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Thanks for that info, Weight gain wouldnt be too good for me.
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Have gained no weight on Duloxetine, have been on it for 3 years then a break then on it again now. As I say we are all different.
S
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I think that really important Shaz, we are all different and it's best to discuss these things with your GP but until you try something you really don't know how it's going to effect you.
I have no experience of this med. I used to take Prozac but had to stop.
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Can I ask why you stopped Prozac?
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Prozac sent me into a manic episode, I felt completely wired. Turned out after a lengthy chat with a psychiatrist that I am bipolar.
They can't diagnose this if it's the meds that have flipped you so they need to see if you have had other episodes, which I have just did a very good cover up job :-\
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Should have said I had been taking them for 5 months at 40 mg before this happened.
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I can also say that I felt that bad that if they worked and I put a bit of weight on I wouldn't have minded anyway, I could not go on as I was. I just wanted to be well again.
S x
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I can remember my GP saying to me, it's best to get you well first then sort out the weight loss and I totally agree.
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Oh yes I totally agree. I was not even able to function normally as I was.
S x
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So you've been suffering from some fairly rotten depression and for a long time, and you took an SSRI and you became very confident, fearless and felt as though you were on speed?
Therfore my opinion is this: ask your GP for a referal to the local mental health team, say you want an assessment. I always find it shocking when I read people who display these kinds of symptoms and yet their doctor reads nothing into it. Did you fully explain to the GP at the time the effect that prozac had on you?
I beleive you need to discuss these symptoms with a psychiatrist. I think this is important.
Steve
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Agreed with Steve
When I read your post and the effect of Prozac it did sound familar. I was lucky, my GP had suspicions and had already asked for a referral. The effects Prozac had confirmed them and I got a psych appt in a couple of days.
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I went back to the Dr and we agreed on a change of meds (citalopram), which to a certain extent helped and I was more my usual self according to my wife.
As I have said I am rarely totally open about my thoughts and feelings for the very fear of being "assessed" for fear of a negative outcome. A stay in hospital isn't what I am aiming for.
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I'm not totally open either for the same reason. Having said that I think it takes a lot for them to consider hospital, in my area they use crisis teams etc first.
Pleased youre having some relief on citalopram
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I had the same fears, but as buttercup says hospital is a last resort. It does help to be as honest as you can with your gp so they can help in the best way possible.
You can be honest about your feelings here as we all understand.
S x
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You will not go to hospital unless you are exreamly suicidal, or else your are likely to kill someone else.
The reson why I said this is important, it because going high on an SSRI could mean that you have bipolar disorder. This is not something that should be ignored, and it will mean that you are not on appropriate medication. This should be discusssed with your doctor.
Steve
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Thanks Stevie.
I have at times in the last year been in a frame of mind for both, hence why not totally open. Given what you have said, I will keep a closer eye on my behaviour to see if any patterns develop. 20mg of Citalopram evened me out pretty well and stopped those thoughts but after a while the dose was counter productive (maybe stopped working) and totally whacked me out.
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I wouldn't worry at all about telling your GP that you have been in the frame of mind for both depression and bipolar. My GP had had concerns and so had referred me, then a week later my hubby made me go as I was completely off my head, I was so high and felt like I must have taken a large amount of something illegal. Anyway the GP gave me some tranquillisers and took me straight of the Prozac and got me an emergency Psych appointment. Hospital was never mentioned.
If you have concerns about being bipolar look back over your past. When I did this I could see clear patterns of highs and lows which looked like a roller coaster.
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Any of you who have a knowledge of Bipolar: what is the frequency/duration of the swings? Do they come by themselves or are they more often prompted by triggering incidents?
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Sorry, the frame of mind for hurting both myself and other people.
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I am unlikely to act on the thoughts when they arise but they do arise and more than once when I am at my worst.
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Sorry, not having the best of days.
I am bipolar but not an expert by any means. As far as I know the frequency and duration of mood swings varies form person to person and depends on the type of bipolar. Bipolar II have mood swings that last at least 4 days (Hypomania), Bipolar I have longer manic phases lasting at least 1 week. Frequency varies. In my own case, I have recently been diagnosed as Bipolar and as yet they haven't specified which. My depressive stages go on for months and my highs tend to go on for a couple of months, starting as a happy high, I can do anything and turn into some sort of superwoman, I do get grandious ideas and spend loads of money at this stage to feed my grandiosity, then it starts to change, the spending becomes pointless, I take on too much, my mind races everything gets too much, I can't concentrate on anything and my life spirals downwards into depression and then the cycle starts again. I know some people have periods of normality in-between phases. I am by no means typical and others experience different things. Theres loads on the internet about it just google Bipolar.
My trigger is stress, but again this varies.
Meant to say I get the thoughts as well at moments of complete and utter desperation but am also unlikely to act.
Hope this has helped
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Yes, Thanks Buttercup :-)
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Glad it helped. I was only diagnosed a few weeks ago and bipolar is more complicated than I first thought. I get dysphoric highs not the happy euphoric ones. Then there's the whole thing of hypomania or mania etc so best to have an internet search, my psychiatrist told me to look on there.
Bipolar has to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist, some GP's won't even mention the word, they talk about mood cycles etc so don't panic if you do get referred &*(
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Bipolar 11 patients are depressed most of the time, with an occasional upswing into hypomania (less intensity than mania) lasting as little an an hour up to a number of days. Bipolar 1 patients have have manias (more intense than hypomania) lasting as long as number of months.
Bipolar 11 patients tend to be ill for longer periods than type 1. Cyclothymia is a lesser form of bipolar. In cylcothymia, the depressions are not major depression as they are in type on and two, the depressions are periods of dysthymia (chronic depression but not as acute as major depression). No mania is present in cyclothymia but at least one hypomania must be.
Regarding hospital, you are very unlikely to get put in hospital. Even if you frequently feel agressive towards others and voice sucidal ideas, it is still unlikely you get put in hospital. Its quite difficult to get put in a hospital.
You need to be honest with you doctor abotu everything, otherwise you are denying yourself the the appropriate treatment. The intelligent decision is to be honest.
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Thank you Steve, you did a better job than me, my mind is mush toady
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Ok, I've had a bit of a think about it.
I am mostly low in mood and low in motivation, especially so during the winter. The only time I have anything close to Mania is when I am drunk, on Prozac or on illegal drugs (not done them for years though). If my body and mind were in its natural unmedicated state then I wouldn't experience mania. I can fluctuate between what I understand to be normal and low. My normal state would most likely be described as laid back. I can become angry and frustrated and brood on things for a while but The mania was only while medicated. I am not totally discounting the Bi-polar thing but the regular onset of main symptoms would match SAD. I just need to adjust to unmedicated life better during the summer (or find something I can stay on) and have some more robust coping strategies which I hope the CBT will guide me towards.
It's great to have somewhere to put it all down and to not feel like an alien though. Thanks everyone :)
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Have you tried any of the light therapies Simon? They help me a little and some people find them very useful.
Z xx
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Well you have tried ssris. Prozac was a no no. Citalopram...cant remeber if you like that one or not.
You could always a non ssri. Mirtazapine, Trazodone.
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I found light therapy to be a bit useless. In practice its probably just what I needed but I simply didn't have 4 hours spare to sit next to a lamp. I tried a SAD lamp, St John's Wort and 5HTP before I finally bit the bullet and visited a GP. Once I got on SSRI's (Prozac then Citalopram) the improvement was unbelievable.
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I found I needed both medication and a light lamp during the worst months of my SAD, I read in here recently that vitimin D supplements in the winter might also help so plan to try that too after the summer
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For what it's worth, my experience of being hospitalised was that it's not what you expect. I thought that going into hospital would be something that you see in movies, being looked after and being safe away from loved ones, who I thought i might hurt. As soon as I was in, I realised that this was not the place for me, it was horrible and nothing like what I expected.
I have not had a concrete diagnosis but have been told I might be bipolar 2. I have periods where I feel I can take the world on and then crash to feeling useless and hopeless which last longer that my highs. Good luck.