Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: LonelySmiler on April 08, 2012, 12:40:31 PM
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My mum has been an alcoholic since I was 11. Me and my younger sister had to look after ourselves. My dad was dry abusive towards my mum that's why she hit the bottle. When she told us she was pregnant we thought the drinking would stop. But it never. To be fair she did while she was pregnant but I guess he alcohol wasn't as big an issue as t is now. As soon as my sister was born she started drinking again. My dad went to work and I stayed home and looked after my sister. My other sister was only 10 so I made sure she went to school. From a young age, I learned how to cook, clean, iron etc. when I look back I don't know how I coped. The drinking got worse and I was looking after two babies. My mum couldn't do nothing for herself. My dad was even more abusive as time went on. Mum went though stages of binge drinking and then would be sober for a couple of months. When she was sober she was the best person ever! An amazing mum. When she was drunk she was a different person. I woul get beat up by her if I didn't give her money for alcohol. My life was awful. She then went on to have another baby. A little brother. Still the dunking continued. We had to move houses several times as my mum had embarrassed the whole family. They were 5&6 when they went into care and came out 6 yeas on. They went back to mum and then she started drinking again. They now live with me. I had to quit my job, get a house and pretty mug carry on from where I left off. Its not easy but I'm glad they're with me. Rather than them back in care. My brother is 12 now and has ADHD. Is anyone in a similar position. I need people to talk to. My sister is 23 now as works full time and lives with me. She doesn't help around the house at all or with the kids. It's like a hotel for her ere. I do absolutely everything and I feel like I'm moaning all the time if she hasn't done anything.. Please say I'm not alone?!
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Hello and welcome to the forum,
&*( &*( You have been through so much in your life. You also sound like one special person to have coped like you have.
I have not been in this position myself but reading you post I really feel for you.
We are a friendly bunch here and will help and advise where we can.
Hopefully you will find help here. Please feel free to write your feelings and worries down, writing things down can help.
Take care
S x
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Hi. Thanks for the welcome. J really think if there weren't sites like this I would go mad. Also I have a close circle of friends who are all really supportive and help me when things get tough.
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Have just been catching up with posts.
To cope with all you have had thrown at you I think you really must be a really marvellous and caring person. I don't think there are many out there that could do what you have done.
Buttercup xxx
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Thank you so much. I also work and I'm studying counselling. But I'm a woman and were all multi takers aren't we. It's so hard to be a sister as well as taking on the role of two absent parents. My siblings get anything they want which sometimes they take for granted but I don't let them take advantage. They have chores such as cleaning their rooms and have boundaries, something they've never had before. I think when they're older they'll be great people and go down the right path..
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Good for you, when my children were younger they had to do jobs etc around the house. I think it did them good having boundries to stay within too.
S x
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Hi and welcome
Z xx
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Hi and welcome to the forum xx
I think you are a really strong and brave person to go through that, I can sort of relate to your situation although mine was not as bad. My dad was an alcoholic through most of my childhood and stopped when I was about 13, although I didn't have to clean or cook he would get angry really easily and it would be really scary. He used to hit me when he got mad but not very often.
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.>,
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Thanks guys for the welcome. Ice lolly it's nice to know that someone else has been through a similar situation. It might not have been as bad as mine but it's still the same experience. I think it goes to show hat no matter what life throws at you, we all pick a path to go down. A positive or a negative. I hope ya the later for yourself as it has been for me. X
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Hello, it does seem like you have been through an awful lot. You have a lot on your plate. Everything you have been through is
bound to have affected you. You also do sound very strong, but I am not suprised that you are finding it difficult to cope.
Thank you so much. I also work and I'm studying counselling. But I'm a woman and were all multi takers aren't we.
I think the above comment is reflective of a negative perception. I'm not convinced it is a healthy way of looking at things. I certainly dont see women as being the multi taskers who have to do all the work. This is not your predestined role for life, although I can see how your experiences would clearly lead to you thinking like this.
Anyway, I think you are very brave,
Love Steve X
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Hi Steve. You're right I think the fact I have done everything myself throughout my life has left me wih the idea that I HAVE to do everything. But in my case i do have to everything. My sister who is 22 is useless. She lives life with no responsibility and doesn't realise we both took on the kids not just me. She says I'm a "crank" as I'm always moaning about the house. But she doesn't realise I'm bush myself with my work and studies then come home to clean a house and cook etc. I hate arguing but i know one day I will explode x
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You sister is immature. Its sounds like a difficult situation.
Is it important that you stay at home and continue to take the burden? What will happen if you leave?
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Yes I couldnt leave. I couldn't live with myself if I did. I know that my sister wouldn't manage without me.
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Well you are doing all the work, and she hasn't learned a sense of responsability. The longer she is able to get away with it, the worse she will get. Im not saying you leave, but you do need to get yoru own life in order. you feel resposible for your sister, although she is perhaps lacking in resposibility, and so she is going to need to learn...potentially the hard way. Now she is 23, are you really responsible for your sister?
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Firstly, I have huge respect for you. To take on so much and have such a mature attitude to it all is borderline heroic in my book. I had a good childhood with lovely parents (not perfect but who is?) so I cant advise or truly understand what it must be like. I have had 15 years experience as a HCA in the NHS and have cared for many people with drink problems. Its very different to your experience but I have seen many families torn apart by drink.
To have had so much happen to you has clearly shaped the person you are today, but remember that everyone has their limit. At some point you need to live your own life, although from what you have said it may be difficult to leave the caring role you know so well behind. I have seen many good people such as yourself suffer because they refuse to step down and burn themselves out. I know you are now away from the destructive phase of your mums drinking and your dads abuse and I know that you care very much for your brother and sister, but you are clearly still taking on a lot by looking after your family. Your sister is now 23 and needs to learn to fend for herself. In the longrun doing everything for her will not do her or yourself any favours.
Have you ever spoken to each other about what has happened and how you feel? Do they realise how much you are giving and how you feel? It might be beneficial to try to talk to each other about it if you can and let them know that you want them to start to do more for themselves. It need not be done in a harsh fashion, just as a 'where we go from here' chat.
I do not mean any of the above to sound 'preachy'. I have no idea of the hardship you or your family have endured, it must have been very tough for you especially in the earlier years. I think you sound like an amazing person, sister and lets face it - stand in mother too! I just think that you have spent most of your life caring for everyone else and now its time to take some time out to care for yourself a little, even if its just short term ;)
Take care :)
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Hi and welcome to the forum. I think you've been very brave and also selfless given what you and your family have been through.
I agree with Glen that your sister needs to take some responsibility and you need some time to look after yourself
Kate x
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Hi glen. Thanks for reading my story. As you can see life hasn't been way and I always try to think positive. My sister has always had people look after her or picking up after her. I do try to leave things around the house to see if she will do them herself but it always gets left and me being the person Iam, I will always do it when it's not been done. As fr talking about the situation were in, we don't really. Its something we would rather forget. Sounds stupid but it's n something my siblings want to hear. As for my mum, she can be sober one second and throw in my face how I love being in control! This makes me laugh because I'm a 23 year old Girl and the last thing I ever wanted was two young kids to look after. She's so immature and selfish and I'd rather have nothing to do with her then j can't be let down by her. Im sure something will turn around before it gets to breaking point.
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I can sort of relate to you in your situation when I was 14 I was living with my sister she has 4 children 2 boys and 2 girls I was still in school at this point,
My sister and her partner was very lazy they left me to do everything for the children the younest was 7 months and 1/12 at the time the older 2 was 5 and 7 every morning I would have to get up feed and clothe the little ones and help my nephew who was 5 at the time my oldest nice who was 7 was capable of getting her self ready for school so that was kind of a help.
My sister would wake up just before I needed to go school but then I would have to take the 2 older ones to school then take myself to school once I finished school I would pick the 2 older ones up and take them home.
Bath, feed dress the little ones once I got back home.
This would happen everyday then I left home at 16 and now I don't get to see them anymore don't have a clue where they are.
They would be 4,6,10 and 12 now.
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Hi. It sounds like you went through something really similar to me. Only you had a lot more to deal with with there being 4 kids. Just goes to show I'm not alone and neither are you. Why did you lose contact with your sister if you don't mind me asking? How are you also because of what you had to do?
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My sister partner was abusive towards me (not going to go into detail) I seen them a couple of months had suspicions something bad was happeing to the children so I involved social services so they've done a runner.
Because I bonded with the children and felt like a mother to them it heart breaking not being able to be contact with them but it is a danger and risk for me to be around my sisters partner.
So I feel like I am doing the right thing for getting social services involved for the childrens sake as their parents are not fit I've done this numerous times but social services said they were fine with their parents so I felt like I couldn't do more, but now their back on my sisters case they've fled basically and I have no idea where they are.
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It was very tiring running around after them all day but I see as if I didn't do it as who else would do of done it? No one.
Their dad would just sit on his computer all day he would get angry and violent towards the children if they misbehaved or if they were being nosey,
Their mum was going through a post natel depression stage after having my youngest niece, so in a way I can't really blame my sister but it left me doing everything for them.
I remember every weekend I would get up at half 7 every morning while they would sleep till 11am or longer the kids would of been fed, washed and dressed and happily playing away.
I had no time for school work or to sociallise with friends I was like a full time mother if you class it that way.
My sister would obviously look after to younger 2 whilst I was at school until I would get back. Then it would start all over again.
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Hi LonleySmiler, firstly a lot of respect for what you have done.
I'm not in the same situation as in having to look after anyone, luckily our Grandma lived with us as well, but from about the age of 10 my mum has been a alcoholic, and it effected my childhood and maybe the person I am today.
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Welcome x
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hi
i think it's amazing that you've stayed so strong well done!
x