Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: willows on April 04, 2012, 10:24:50 AM
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I have been struggling with depression for longer than I admit to myself but finally went to my GP a couple off months ago after it started to affect me at work in a way that people were noticing. My work is what has always kept me going so when that started to be affected I realised I had to seek help. I was put on citalopram for 4 weeks but suffered a huge increase in anxiety attacks, even more disturbed sleep than I had been having prior to taking it, upset stomach and jaw clenching so have now been prescribed mirtazipine which I have been taking for a week. They definitely help with sleeping but I haven't felt any other benefits just yet. In fact I had my lowest day ever yesterday. I was due to have a psychological assessment and had spent days working myself up to go, when it was cancelled last minute due to the person being unwell.....it felt like a huge set back to me as I had been pinning a lot of hope on the meeting as being the beginning of my journey to getting better. The appointment has been rescheduled for 3 weeks time but that feels like a lifetime away. I don't have anyone to talk to at home as I live with my kids and no partner and do not feel able to talk to my friends. My closest friends are always telling me that I am amazing in how I coped with my divorce, moving the kids to a new home, a major career change, dealing with my daughters eating disorder, my son's epilepsy and my other child self-harming........if only they knew but I just can't tell them......
Sorry I have gone on so much but it has kind of helped me a bit putting it down in black and white.
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It always helps me to type out the way I am feeling :)
I had my first CBT assessment cancelled on the day it was meant to happen, it really felt like the whole world was against me, I really feel for you &*(
Welcome to the forum.xxx
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Hi Willows, welcome to the forum. Don't worry about "going on", we all understand here.
Kate x
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Hi Willows
Welcome to the forum. I'm a newbie myself but have already found the people who post on this site to be helpful, thoughtful and caring and they offer good advice. getting my thoughts down in print on the forum has helped me get a little bit of focus back so don't worry about "going on" because no one would ever think that.
Regards
Jonty
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hello willows and welcome to the forum, we are a friendly bunch and will help and advise where we can.
How awful having your appointment cancelled, and 3 weeks must feel like a ling way away &*( for you.
Its very hard opening up to our friends especially when we put on a front to cover up how we really feel. We all understand here so please feel free to post when you feel the need.
Take care
S x
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.>,
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Hi willows and welcome, I hope we can help
Z xx
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Hi Willow. Just to let you know I'm thinking of you. Like I always say to my hubby who is newly diagnosed, try and hang in there.
HalfEmpty x
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Thank you for all the warm welcomes everyone.
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Sounds like you have been through an awful lot, and it sounds as though you still are doing.
I think you have made the right decision to seel help. Hopefully things will start getting easier for you.
Steve XXX
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I am now on my 5th week of mirtazapine and had been feeling the benefits of it until this week when I feel like something that has happened has set me back weeks. As I said in my original post, work is what has kept me going and what prompted me to seek help was when my work started to be affected. I have been able to carry on working throughout my depression although it has been tough but suddenly this week my line manager has decided that she thinks I am exhausted and has put me on restricted duties reducing the hours and shifts that I work. I feel devastated by this and have spent the week in a complete emotional mess and feeling lower than I have for weeks, maybe even months :(. Part of me is telling me that she has only done this to help me but the rest of me is crying out because I feel I have lost control of the one thing that has been a positive in my life and it is eating away at me every waking hour of the day and the increased sleep the mirtazapine had been giving me has now turned into very broken disturbed sleep. I have pleaded to be allowed to carry on working my full duties and shifts but it is falling on deaf ears.............how can something that is supposed to be for my own good leave me feeling so distraught "£"
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Its very hard when you feel like you have lost control. I also get frustrated when I can't be in control. I am sure it has been done with best intentions for you.
&*(
S x x
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It is hard when we are no longer in control. I'm also sure that she had you're best interests in mind. My doctor decided for me and told me to stop working. Really hard to accept but actually the best thing for me.
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Sometimes we dont realise what is best for us however hard it seems at the time :(
Z xx
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Don't think I can face going in to work tomorrow but I also feel that if I go down that route it will be a long time before I will be able to face going in again. Trying to keep telling myself reasons why I need to go in............can't understand why they have done this to me.......how can I make them understand the damage it is doing to me :(
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They think its for the best, its not a reflection on your capabilities but your health
Z xx
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I am sure they are doing this because they are worried for you.
S x x
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I agree with the others and I'm sure it's just because they are concerned about you and just want to help ease any pressure on you.
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Thank you for all your replies and I understand what you are all saying but I feel as though everything is slipping out of my control and just at a point where I thought I might be beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. If it is for my own good then why does it feel so wrong for me.
I know no one can answer that for me..........
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Its very hard when depression takes things away from us and makes us feel out of control. But you need time to heal, it took me a long time to realise this.
S x x
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Hi, I'm new.
I could do with some extra support at the moment as I have a depression that tends to floor me on bad days. I'll read the forum and get the lay of the land. Just wanted to say hellp *(*
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H Louise :)
Willows, trying to stay in control made my depression much much worse, in fact it probably contributed to it in the first place, even after 10 months and some brilliant counselling I know I need to step back even further from the feeling of needing to be in control which I'm finding incredibly difficult
Z xx
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Hi, Try and hang in there until the meeting. It will be here before you know it.
I think your work have done it so that you can be back to your best as soon as possible because they need you. It shows a great deal of understanding on their part because a lot of places might just let your work deteriorate until they have to let you go. Your work want you to make it through and are trying to give you the space to do that. Unfortunately the black clouds that surround us depressives don't always let that sort of info through.
Try and look at it as an opportunity to recharge as opposed to a threat to your working life. Meditation is a funny thing; you sit back and cancel out everything and the result is that you come back feeling revitalised. Think of your reduced duties as work meditation and you will come back stronger when the time is right.
I hope you feel better soon.
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Thank you all for your words of support. I have made it in to work, although I am still struggling to accept the restrictions that have been imposed on me. I feel like I am spending every waking moment feeling stressed and upset about it. I know I need to stop using up my energy in this way and focus on proving that I am capable of working my full hours and normal shifts but it is very difficult...........no one seems to be listening to me when I try to explain why I don't need this :(
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its hard willows but mayb it will be a good thing so u can be given more duties as time goes on, i know its easier said than done though
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I had a review meeting with my Occupational Help unit and they have agreed that reduced hours are not what I need and I will be back up to full hours and shifts within 2 weeks. It felt good that someone was finally listening to me and it was a relief but because of the way my mind is working at the moment I have now got myself totally anxious that my manager will feel that I have undermined her by getting OHU to agree with me that the restrictions she imposed on me were wrong for me. I feel that she will be watching me like a hawk to find reasons to justify why she did it..........why can't I just be happy that I got what I wanted. I feel under so much pressure............
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I'm glad you got what you wanted, I'm sure things will settle down.
Xxx
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Its good that you have got your hours back. I can understand your concerns but you did it for you.
S x x x x
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I have been on mirtazipine for nearly 3 months now and have been through weeks of feeling it is helping, weeks of feeling that the crying over everything has been replaced with being extremely anxious about everything, feelings of panic and a few panic attacks but for the last couple of weeks I feel like the meds are not doing anything at all......I feel like I am back to square one.......so,so low. Crying all the time again, feeling hopeless and alone. I was so convinced that the meds are not doing anything that I stopped taking them for a few days last week. I had a review appointment with my gp at the end of last week and she suggested upping the dose but I said I didn't want to and that I wanted to come off them because they weren't doing anything. GP suggested a compromise of staying on them as the same dose but I didn't tell her I hadn't been taking them for a couple of days at that point.
Over the weekend I had to chance to talk to a person who has been a good support for me a she convinced me to start taking the meds again and make another GP appointment and be more honest with the gp about how I am feeling. I have that appointment this afternoon but I am getting myself in a panic about it. I know from past visits to her she will ask me what I was hoping for when I made the appointment and to be honest I don't know, because as I told her last week, I don't really want the dose to be put up, but I do feel the need to tell her how low I am at the moment.......I feel like I am wasting her time.............I think I should just cancel the appointment and get back in to bed and hide under the duvet.......
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Please go for your appointment but try and be honest about how you have been feeling, maybe write it down beforehand and take this with you. Do you have someone who could maybe go with you? Try and explain you feel the medication is not working for you, ask if there are any other options/meds that you could try. If you feel uncomfortable with this dr could you make an appointment to see another dr?
S x x x x
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I went to the appointment, although when I was waiting to be called I got so anxious and panicky I wanted to run out of the waiting room and was actually about to when I got called. I was more honest with my gp this time and have had my dose of mirtazipine upped to 45mg. I didn't really want to up the dose but my gp convinced me that I should give it a try. I should be having an initial assessment for CBT in the next week or so as well. I think I have to give anything a try as I can't carry on the way I am :(
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Well done for staying and being honest with your GP.
Hope you're cbt assessment goes well, mine was fine, I worked my self up for nothing.
Xxx
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Well done for staying and being so honest with the dr. Must have been hard for you. Hope the CBT helps you.
S x x x x
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Thank you Buttercup and Shaz. :)
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Hi Willows, I think I missed this post (had a few tricky days) ...anyway, welcome :) and look forward to chatting with you on the boards
:)
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Hi willows, im really sorry to hear tyou feel so distruaght. Maybe if you cant go to work you could find other things to keep you occupied. I can sympathise with your feels of being out of control and things not going your way. I really hope you can find a way to get through this. Mental illness is a awful horrible thing to deal with. hopefully you have the inner strengh and energy to keep going and find peace at some point.
if theres anything we can help with we'll do our best to help.
x jen x
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Hi willows....I think when we are feeling let down by the meds, we tend to believe in an ability to cope without them. In the last two months, I had been riding on a high from finally finding a new medication which I thought was working wonders. I could hardly sleep at night from the excitement of finding the wonder-drug. You can imagine how I felt this week when the same old depression came creeping back in! From previous experience, this usually means the dose needs increased. Hope you find the increase in your mirtazipine to be helpful
My GP is excellent, but every time I see him, I can barely concentrate on our conversations because the paranoia is screaming at me about how I am wasting his time. What helped the situation was actually telling him.
Can you tell me what Mirtazipine is, please?
Cat
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Hi Catb
I agree with you about feeling that I could cope without meds because it seemed to have stopped working but my gp explained things in such a way that I kind of left there feeling that it was my decision to up the dose which was good for me as I struggle when I feel things are out of my control.
Mertazapine is an anti-depressant known to help with sleep and I must agree that I do sleep better now than I was but still not great. The increase in the dose has left me feeling very groggy today and yesterday but hopefully that will pass the longer I take them.
I hope today is a good day for you.
Willows x
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Hope the side effects wear off and the medication helps you.
S x x x x
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Hi willows, I'm glad you have upped the dose, and I hope you start to feel an improvement soon.
Do the side effects of mirtazapine wear off quickly? I hope so I just started it on Wednesday.
Maddy xxx