Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: HalfEmpty on April 01, 2012, 05:24:11 PM
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Half Empty!! The best how to describe how I feel at the moment.
I'm 45years old and been married to my husband for 14 years. He turned 60 last year.
He's been diagnosed with depression last weekend and I don't know how best to support him.
My husband is known to be the "fixer" or the "rescuer". People tend to go to him and pour out their problems and worries. He's very sensitive and very sympathetic to everyone and very easy to talk to. Now he feels that because he's not always able to "fix" or "rescue" everyone, he thinks he's let them down. It seems that he's got all the worries of the world on his shoulder which in turn brought him to depression.
About 2 years ago, He's had an emotional affair (best I could describe it) with one of our colleague. And despite his promises that it is nothing and it's finished, I know and I've got evidence that it's still continuing.
He started feeling chest pains and other ailments and although doctors unable to find cause, he took himself to A&E last Saturday. They took tests and found nothing. When I picked him up from the hospital, that's when he broke down in tears and did not stopped crying for days. I took him back to emergency doctor and was prescribed Diazepam and Citalopram.
I've encouraged him to make a self referral to Health in Mind, however when he mentioned that hes been having suicidal thoughts, Health In Mind referred him straight away to Crisis centre and was seen by CPN the same day. He was Partially Admitted, meaning going to centre during the day and home at night.
He needed a lot of encouragement to go to the centre. He wanted the medication to start working immediately. He's constantly crying and i don't know how to make it better for him.
We had relationship problem and developed a habit of not communicating, however this past week, we've been talking a lot more.
I am just so frustrated at times when I can't make him feel better and no matter what reassurance I tell him it doesn't seems to work.
I need to continue working. Now that he is off work, money is very tight. He's lost all his enthusiasm on everything and I feel that I am running out of steam. I know people might say that it's only been a week, but I feel so sad and unhappy since his affair and although I'm feeling like this all the time, I had to carry on.
Now this, he's diagnosed with Depression and from what I was told and what I read, it's going to take a long time to recover.
I love my husband dearly, but I am scared that I might run out of energy and drive to support him.
Can anyone please tell me that I'm not the only one whose feeling like this. Any advice will be highly appreciated.
Thank you so much,
HalfEmpty ( because my other half is lost)
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Hi Half Empty, I know how you feel, my wife was recently diaognoised with Bipolar, and at the time i did not what to do and how to deal with. I think my wife was more worried about how it was effecting me that how it was her. But now I have started to come to terms it,including the fact that my wife will probably be on tablets for the rest of her life. In fact it has made our relationship stronger, having explained some of the things that have happened in the past.
To start with I may have tried to smother my wife with care, but now i know that thing is to be there when it is needed and to give her distance when she wants it. I know that there is no easy fix and that each case is different, but by working together with the person that you love, by giving the support that is needed you can to terms with it and have a better life.
Hope that has helped in some way, life is not full of negatives, there are some positives.
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Hello and welcome. &*( for you, you sound like a very kind and supporting person. Having a partner suffering with depression is very hard, I know this even though I am the one suffering with this illness, I know I have been very difficult to live with, having severe mood swings, crying, shaking, saying I can't cope etc. My husband is my rock and I know he has found it difficult to know how to deal with me at times.
All I can say is be there and talk about your feelings with each other when you can. The medication will take a while to start to work and then it will be gradual. I remember I wanted the meds to work straight away too.
Make sure you also have me time, doing things just for you.
S x
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Hi Half Full and Shaz,
Thank you so much for your replies and words of encouragement. I will get inspirations from both your experiences.
It's nice to know that I have now somewhere to write my thoughts and feelings without being judge. I just wished that nobody will get tired of reading.
Shaz and Half Full, how long did it take before you started smiling again?
Sad HalfEmpty :(
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You will not be judged here, we all understand.
It took me about 3/5 weeks to start to see an improvement in my mood, I remember I was singing along to a cd in my car and I realised what I was doing, as I hadn't done that while I was so down. Things have taken a while to pick up and some days are better than others, but when I look back I realise how far I have come.
It will come but everyone is different and we all react differently to meds.
&*( S x
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My Wife's depression is a little different because she is bipolar and can flip from one extreme to the other and it will take some time for the meds to make her stable.
I had to come to terms with everything which took a couple of weeks, it's a lot better now but I still worry.
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Repling to your post has made me look back at my first post, when I said I was a carer, I am not that, I am a husband and friend.
To say i am a carer is as if i have given up, and that i have not.
Don't give you up, you both need each other to get through this.
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Half full you sound such a lovely guy, I know what you will get through your wifes illness as you have each other.
On a lighter note, the last posts were between half empty and half full. I know its not funny that your OH's are suffering just made me giggle to see both your user names together ;).
S x
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It did made me smile when I saw a reply from Half Full.
Now in bed, trying to read as much post as possible.
My husband had a few tears today. I just feel so bad for him, I wish I could make him better. I've asked him what I could do to help him, he "take IT away". I couldn't respond to him, because I didn't know the right thing to say. Now I feel guilty for not saying anything.
He said that he feels so "useless" and it feels that someone had taken all his energy away and he couldn't get it back. He is desperately worried about not been able to work but I don't think that he believes me when I say not to worry.
He is going back to see his GP tomorrow, I offered to come but he said he'll be ok.
Any advice on things I could say to my husband when he is tears? I am going to work tomorrow and I am worried sick that he will be on his own in the house.
Because this forum is so supportive of everybody I really like to recommend it to my husband. If he joined, will he be able to read my post or vice versa? I don't mind him reading my post but I'm just worried it might upset him more when he found out that I'm sad and I'm talking about him.
Thank you all for making me feel welcome.
:)
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Its very difficult to know what to say, I remember saying to my OH 'just make me better'. All you can do is be there for him and try and reassure him that things will get better, its a very frightening feeling to feel this way and I really feel for you both.
If you OH did join then he could read your post but if you were to explain that you put what you did as you were looking for support to help him I am sure he would understand.
S x
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My hubby posts on this forum. When I read his first post it did feel a little strange but it helped me so much. I had not fully realised how much my illness had affected him. It was almost a way that he could express his feelings and it helped both of us.
When I'm really upset and tearful I often just want held, no words, just held and made feel secure.
Hoped this had helped xxx
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Firstly, welcome to the forum. As Shaz has said, you will not be judged here and we dont tire easily from reading posts about peoples depression - we all want to help each other if we can.
Your husband sounds like a very caring guy who always worries more for others than he does for himself. Being like that is difficult as it really can take an emotional toll - not only on the caring individual, but on their other halves such as yourself. Eventually it becomes too much.
I find it a lot easier to worry about others than myself. In one case recently I took it upon myself to help a younger friend who was feeling suicidal and although it toook months of talking to her, I managed to get her back on the right track. Trouble is it took a hefty toll on me and my wife.
It must be so tough on you to support him when you do not know what to say. If he feels anything like I did, he may feel he has let you down and may also feel a little 'useless' as he is no longer able to support others. For him it may also be scary to have the role reversed - hes now being helped instead of helping others. I know i was.
My wife was so understanding and trusting of me. She was also so supportive and helped me through the rougher times these last few years. She always told me she would be there for me and explained that I had tired myself out worrying for others - it was time to care for myself. I found this difficult as I did no know how. I still dont know where to start!
The one thing I would suggest is to talk to someone yourself. You are now caring for him and this can be very hard to do so if you can. In a way you already are by talking to us but consider talking to a councilor about how you feel. If you burn yourself out you will not be able to support your husband.
My thoughts go out to you both. If you ever want to message me, then feel free and I will try to explain how we both made it through our troubles. It may help, it may not - but sometimes its just comforting enough to know you are not alone. &*(
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Hi and welcome, I can only echo what he others have posted, I hope things improve for you both soon
Z xxx
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Welcome and ditto whats already been said.
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Dear All,
Thank you for your kind support and uplifting advice. Your individual experiences have definitely given me a boost and the strength to keep going.
I felt really frustrated and tired today. My husband had bad days and have been in flood of tears in between him being quiet and down. I went to work yesterday and had to phoned him when I can to try and motivate him a little bit and to say that I am thinking of him. He nearly forgotten his appointment with the GP and although he's always been proud of his appearance, he's now seems to start neglecting himself.
One of my husbands biggest worry is his oldest sister, who for many years have been unhappy and had so many health problems. He went to see her yesterday, which really worries me, because I know that it is not going to do him any good. And I am not mistaken. He was even more quieter and looking so sad when he came home. I had to enroll myself to a running club. I love running and I feel that it helps me have quality time to myself. He rang me before my running club session, very upset and wanting me to collect him where he took himself for a walk.
WE just went to a car park and talk. He cried. And as per Buttercup's post, I just held him and tried to reassure him that I will be here for him.I also told him what Glen53's wife told him during his rough times, about tiring himself about worrying for others, and its now time to care for himself.
I am not moaning, I just feel a little bit drained tonight. Please tell me if I am wrong, but before I went to work this morning, I have given my husband a couple of tasks, which he did. He phoned me at work, again in tears and asked me if I could just talk to him. My husband and I works for the same employer so they are aware what we are going through. Our jobs are very demanding, however, it is one of the reasons of my husbands depression.
when I get home, he is still out. Told me he is trying to work things out his head. He came home about an hour later, by then I am so tired but had to keep my spirits up. He told me that he's been thinking a lot about me today and said that he misses me. He has not said that to me for a long time.
Its funny how just writing this post makes me feel a lot lighter.
Thank you SHAZ, HALF FULL, BUTTERCUP, GLEN53, ZAF AND PIP. Thank you all for your support. &*(
On the positive side also, after months of looking, our daughter finally found and bought her dream wedding dress! She is getting married at the end of the year!!!
Again, my heartfelt thanks to everyone,
HalfEmpty xxxxxx
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I'm pleased you've both got something to look forward to :)
I too will phone my husband when I'm feeling really awful, just hearing his voice makes me feel better, he doesn't need to say anything in particular, but to just talk normally, tell me how his days going that sort of thing.
It sounds silly but at times I end up feeling very venerable and need the reassurance of my husband just to do the simplest things like go for a walk or do the shopping, I know that I'm not alone with this feeling.
It's tough for you, my advice is to just be there, he will appreciate what you are doing even if he doesn't show it.
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Half empty, I think you're doing so well. Like Buttercup said, just knowing that you're there will make the world of difference to him
&*( for you both
Kate x
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Thats wondeful that you have something so lovely to look forward to.
I have done the same many times ringing my hubby in tears and just needing to hear his voice, depression is very scarey and sometimes we just need to hear a loved ones voice.
I am glad you had a long chat and a hug with your OH, I am sure he appreciated this.
Hang in there, things will get better for you both.
S x
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I am full of admiration for you HalfEmpty, you are such a wonderful caring person, I know from my own experience of depression how much I appreciate my husband's help when I'm bad and that I feel guilty of putting him through so much while I'm really down with this horrible illness.
We go through so many, and often conflicting, emotions during our illness and recovery but we do appreciate the help our partners give us even if we dont always show it.
Thinking of you xxxx
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You are welcome for the advice. If you ever need to talk or ask anything then feel free to message us.
Sometimes its needed to hit rock bottom before you can pull yourself up. I can remember doing the same thing you describe - going for a walk in 2010 and falling apart. My wife came to pick me up and we sat in a car park in the car and talked - i ended up crying too. I worried her to the point she wanted to take me to a crisis centre but I decided to try to cope myself. With her support I was able to carry on.
From my point of view I felt a complete failure for not being able to cope with the things I had always taken in my stride. It was terriying for me but also for Rachel. Her suggestion that I needed to care for myself for a change was hard to accept, but i did realise very quickly that I could not take on others problems at that time because I was so run down. I took a few months to take things easy and concentrate on myself, but the real key to my recovery was talking to Rachel. It helped us both - me to talk about my feelings and Rachel to understand why I felt the way i did. Talking to each other is so important.
Perhaps it would help for him to focus on something upbeat as well. Maybe try to get him to focus on your daughters wedding? He may be scared about his condition and how he will be at that time but if its at the end of the year, it gives him time to recover and gives him a goal to aim for.
I hope the coming weeks are kinder to you both, and dont forget we are here to talk to if you need to.
Take care.
G.
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Again, my deepest gratitude to all your posts. You dont know how I look forward to visit this site to read all your kind words.
I had to come home early from work today. Hubby is not too again. He's been taking his med for nearly 2 weeks now and I just really want my husband back.
I broke down today. I didn't want him to see me upset but I just couldn't hold it in. I just wished I didn't cry infront of him. I hope I didnt make him feel bad. He apologised for putting too much on me. I told him that I am just a bit tired and I'm upset of the illness and not him. I've asked him to be strong and get better soon because I terribly miss his old self.
I've asked him if he would like to go away for the weekend. Change of routine and environment might cheer him up a bit. Is it a good idea?
He's desperately would like to go back to work but I don't think he is ready yet. But I know that it is extremely difficult time when everybody is at work and he's alone in the house.
Thank you again for listening. Shaz, Buttercup, Kate G and Zaf. You all a treasure. Glen53, one day, I might just take your offer.
Goodnight all. I hope tomorrow is a better day.
HalfEmpty xxxx
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Hi Half empty.
Most meds take 6+ weeks to work effectively, so hang in there.
I rushed back to work too early, my GP wasn't keen and it really wasn't a good idea as I don't know when I will return to work now.
Buttercup xxx
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2 Weeks on meds is not a long time, but if you are concerned maybe he could go and see his gp and just voice his concerns, maybe he could be offered something to help him through until the meds kick in.
I don't think it was a bad thing to cry in front of your OH, you are sharing your feelings and you need to get these feelings out other than bottling them up.
A weekend away maybe a good idea, maybe not to far and nothing too stressful, I know when I was at my worst I really couldn't cope with anything stressful.
I really don't think going back to work is a good idea, he needs time to heal and going back to work would maybe knock him further back.
&*( &*( for you both.
S x
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I agree with buttercup and shaz, my meds usually take 4-5 weeks to take effect - if I'm not showing improvement then I go back to the doc as I often need the dose increased.
I'd let your husband decide on the weekend away, there were times when just leaving the house for me was too much stress, at other times I felt the need to escape from my present surroundings.
Work is definitely not a good idea atm :(
Z xxx
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I agree with all of the above. With some medications for depression it can take nearly 2 months to be fully effective so its not a quick fix. Hopefully within the next few weeks you will strat to see a mild improvement.
As said before though we are all here for you both if you need to talk.
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Thank u all again. My hubby is not doing very good at the moment. I came home from work and he's been crying.
He asked me if it's ok for me for him to have a few days away on his own. I said "no, not in his current state of mind". Have I done the right thing?????
Please help. What should I do and say???
HalfEmpty x
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Half empty, I think you have done the right thing.
If he asked for a few hours then that's a bit different, but if I asked for a few days on my own then my OH would react the same way you have. He worries about me while he's at work, because I tend to depress myself and when he gets home I'm in tears, so I can only imagine how much of a state I would work myself into if it were days.
I'd ask him why he feels he needs so much time on his own and just listen to his reasons
&*( for you both
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I agree you have done the right thing by saying no. I can understand he needs space, but my OH would have been very concerned if I had asked the same thing when I was first diagnosed.
I think Kate is right maybe ask him why he feels the need to be left on his own.
&*( for both of you.
S x
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Reason why he said he wanted to go away for a few days is because he couldn't stand seeing how sad we all are around him and how we must feel when he's upset and crying all time. ( my daughter and her fiancée lives with us). He said if he goes somewhere he could just cry and cry without worrying about us. I tried to reassure him, hopefully he understood why I couldn't let him go. He said he was going this afternoon but couldn't leave without talking to me first.
He also asked me if it be better off if he goes back to crisis centre. I don't really know what he wanted. He is full of negative thoughts and I feel I'm running out of things to say. Our company does not pay sick pay apart from the SSP so he is really worried about being off for a while.
He said he feels that he hasnt got anymore energy to full himself out of this and he said that he feels that he just want to go sleep and not wake up again.
I would like to thank everybody for their kind response. I wouldn't know what I do if I hadn't found this site. Thank you all for your support.
Xxx
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They are very common feelings HalfEmpty but you dont always need to find something positive to say apart from saying you will support him whatever happens and are there for him if he needs to talk.
Z xxx
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Hello again Everyone,
It's now been 3 weeks since my husband is diagnosed with Depression. And although things are still the same, compare to 3 weeks ago, it's a little better. But that's just me talking.
My husband agreed to a last minute weekend away. I thought after booking a spa break were not going to be able to go because he was very upset when packing and I felt so guilty for even suggesting it. I remember one said that even leaving the house is stressful. But hubby insisted to go. He broke down a few times on the way to our destination. Morning time is the worst time for him. He's been on Citalopram for 3 weeks and he doesn't feel any different.
The Spa hotel we stated in has a golf course attached and after he saw some people playing, he decided to play golf yesterday ( hubby is a very keen golfer and he stopped playing when he got diagnosed). He was going to be a single player (with me just driving the buggy)but he was paired with another guest. I worried again thinking he might not be able to cope with a stranger but hubby agreed and for 4 hours he played well and even laughed a couple of times. We were just do lucky with the other guest who was so nice and really chatty about some common things with hubby.
But then it finished and were back home and I'm back to work. Hubby feels really low again and he asked me if he's ever going to get better. He spent most time in bed today. He said he feels really weak and has no appetite.
He's now on 20mg of Citalopram a day and he's taking 2mg of Diazepam up to 3 times a day. He's constipated one day and very loose the next. Every time he had a little to eat, he gets terrible stomach cramps. I've noticed that his hands have started shaking and he said he's legs aches. Are these things normal? Is it ever going to go away?
He's got an appointment to see his GP on Wednesday to review his medication. Is it worth continuing with present dose of Citalopram or discuss a change of Meds. I've heard that there is so many Meds being used to help with depression. Hubby thinks he's hallucinating too.
Any advice please will be great.
Many thanks again.
HalfEmpty xx
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Most meds take 4-6 weeks to start to kick in properly, but its definitely worth your husband talking to his doctor about the side effects he seems to be having - its very usual to be down after an outing even if we have enjoyed ourselves, I think its a reaction to being out and feeling a bit stressed.
Thinking of you
Z xx
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I would definitely talk about your concerns to the GP. It is still early days for the meds and 20 mg is quite a low dose so don't be disheartened that there isn't a dramatic improvement.
Good luck on Wednesday xxx
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So pleased you managed to get away and that hubby enjoyed his golf.
I only started with IBS when I got depression. But it could also be his medication, worth a mention to your dr.
I also remember saying to my hubby 'am I ever going to get better'. Its a very frightening illness and this is a normal feeling. Know this must be hard for you to hear you OH saying this to you.
Mention it to your dr when seeing him for medication review that there seems to be no improvement and maybe ask about changing meds.
&*( &*( for you both.
S x
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Hi Friendly people :D
It's me again. Sorry to be bothering you again.
My hubby been to see his GP today. Not keen on changing his present medications of 20mg Citalopram. Apparently it's too soon. He's been on 20mg for about 10 days I think. Only prescribed more Diazepam to use sparingly. Hubby seems very impatient and kept saying that "people" does not understand how he's feeling. I am trying to understand, really I do. But am I wrong to show my feelings to him. I got upset infront of him again yerterday. I'm sorry but I tried to hold it in but I couldn't. I felt guilty coz I think ive upset him too. Am I allowed to be honest with him with regards to everyday situation i.e. our future financial situation. Or will it upset him more if I tell him? One day he wants to go back to work but next day he doesn't.
Managed to get some time off during the day but still have to work and do night shifts. Hubby spent most time in bed again today. He texted me this am whilst I'm at work saying its no point of getting out of bed.
Any advice on how far I should go to motivate him. Doctor told him to "do something". But what? He's lost interest in everything.
He's also talking about hypnotherapy. Does anyone tried this to help with depression. Any recommendations please. He still waiting to hear about counselling.
Sad And HalfEmpty
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I really feel for you both &*( &*(
It does take weeks for antidepressant to start working properly and it's a good idea to use the diazepam sparingly as it is very addictive and can make you feel sluggish for a long time after.
Coming from the point of view of a sufferer I would hate to think that my husband was keeping secrets/worries from me. But that me, I like to be in the know.
It's going to be hard but I think you need to be firm (ish) on the motivation front. I know that one of the cbt techniques is all about getting into a routine. It will rake time and be up and down but it is important. I'm lucky, I have children so I have to fo the school run. I like to go for a quiet walk on the way home. Maybe you could suggest a daily walk or something.
Take care, you need to think of yourself as well xxx
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I really feel for both of you.
10 days is very early it can take time for the meds to work. I remember wanting them to work like a headache tablet (to just take it away) but they do not work like that. It just takes time and its very gradual.
I also would not want my hubby to keep things from me, I wanted things to carry on as usual around me, otherwise I just felt more guilty for being ill.
It is very difficult to get motivated when depressed, I found it very hard just getting out of bed and getting in the shower was like climbing a mountain. I always felt better once I had done this but it was hard. I was once told its baby steps. Try to give myself a small goal to achieve each day.
I did try hypnotherapy and yes it did help me, but please make sure they are registered. If nothing else it gave me relaxation techniques by doing the regulated breathing, I would do it at home on the bed and I would relax so much I would drift off to sleep.
I would also like to say you are not bothering us, we understand and we are willing to listen and help.
S x
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I was told by my GP that it was not possible to up the dose for 4 weeks as its usually how long it takes to work, apparently you can have side effects with citralopram if you take a big dose too soon.
Ive no idea about hypnotherapy but it might be worth asking your GP before embarking on something like that.
Getting motivation is incredibly difficult when depressed, I use the work and reward system my GP advised to me when all I could do was stare at the TV all day, it might work for your husband
Z xx
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Hello, it's me again.
I've been wanting to post some of my worries again but just don't know where to start.
Im desperate again today. Hubby doesn't seems to be getting any different. We took a walk yesterday and it's seems that hes developed some sort of panic attack around people. I thought he's going to collapse. He seems to be so anxious around people which is very unlike him. He's such a friendly person and before I always moan at him that he talks to any person that he sees when we're out. Now he can't seems to handle being around other people.
He's still being very tearfull. Not interested in anything. Not eating much and spend most time in bed.
I am really that bad to feel so frustrated. He cries most if the time when I'm around. Takes himself out for hours at a time. And I think he's very secretive with who he speaks on his mobile.
Im not being secretive with regards to our finances. He is aware of everything before he got diagnosed. But how can I tell him that it's going to get worst now that he can't work with only my wage coming in. Our work does not give sick pay. SSP will not be enough to cover our outgoings.
Hes so overwhelmed of all negative things that had happened and could happen and despite my reassurance he doesn't seems to believe me. He told me that he's now having nightmares. All bad things too.
He's received an appointment for his first counselling session next Friday. I really hope they could help him.
HalfEmpty x
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Feel free to post your worries :)
It can take a long time to see any benefits from the antidepressants and it is a long frustrating process so don't beat yourself up about the way you are feeling.
I find it difficult to be around people when I am depressed and start to panic even when out for a walk.
Hope the counselling helps, but it might stir things up to begin with. &*(
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Can I speaks to my hubby about the things that frustrates me and things that really upsets me at the moment. The thing is its all about him. How do you think he would react? Will it make him worst?
I needed him to know how I feel but I'm worried that he might not take it so well. But i feel that if I don't tell him, I am ready to walk out.
Thank you Buttercup, but i am really really sorry to feel like this. I love my hubby so much but I feel I'm not strong enough to help him get through his depression.
Desperate,
HalfEmpty
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You are strong enough, sometimes it's just really hard, I know my hubby feels helpless and says that sometimes it feels like I'm pushing him away. I don't mean to fo this and I'm not aware that I am until he points it out.
My hubby does talk tome about things and yes it is difficult to listen to at the time but it does make things better and I think makes us stronger. I would worry excessively if I thought he was holding things from me.
Take care xxx
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Its so difficult for the partners and loved ones of people suffering with depression.
I do not think it is a bad thing to talk about how you feel, you are in this together.
You are strong enough and it will not last forever, hopefully his medication will start to work for him soon.
S x x
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That awkward moment that we haven't got anything to say to each other :(
:( :( :(
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I know it can be difficult as a partner, but as long as there is trust and honesty on both sides, the love you have for each other will the bond that holds you together.
Half full
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I'm really scared to post this thoughts of mine, so please don't be mad at me. I hope you all understand. "what if I don't trust him coz I know he's not being honest with me"?????
Deeply Sad and Half empty :(
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Don't be scared about posting your thoughts. xxx
In what way don't you think he's being honest?
Sometimes we don't tell the people closet to us everything for fear of hurting them more, I know I'm guilty of this at times. xxx
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No one will be mad at you &*(
Z xx
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We will not be mad at you, never be afraid to post your thoughts and worries.
S x x
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Thank you all very much for your kind understanding. I am really struggling at the moment. I really really love my hubby but I feel that he's not being honest with me. I think I would rather he screams and shouts at me than lie to me.
I got a feeling today he is hanging to all the memories he had (still have) with our ex-collegue. The one he had an affair with.
On Monday he asked to meet me after work. We went out for a walk. I noticed that he is wearing a bracelet that I've not seen before. When we got home (we went home I'm separate car, I met him straight after work) he's not wearing the bracelet anymore. I've asked him about it. He denied it to start with but when I said insisted what I saw, he said he bought it for himself months ago. He never bought anything for himself before without showing me or telling me. I knew the bracelet was given to him by HER coz I've seen HER wearing one before.
Also tonight, he started talking about having a tattoo. A tattoo is another one that they both talked about in emails that I have found. In one of my husbands email to HER, he told her that he won't rest until he gets a tattoo as a permanent reminder of her.
I really wanted to let him know what I think but I don't want to put him on deeper depression. He's still suffering with some side effects of citalopram. He's got really bad muscle and joint aches and last night he needed help to walk around the house :(
He's got he's first appointment with a counsellor tomorrow. What do I need to expect after the session?
I'm sorry for all this but I still doesn't have anyone to talk to apart from all of you good people.
:(
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I can unerstand your feelings of feeling he is lying to you. Maybe he is just mixed up at the moment, depression can make us think strange things at times. Maybe the counselling will help him get over these feelings of the past.
Counselling can bring up a lot of memories and feelings from the past that need to be dealt with. He could well be very upset by these feelings. I know I was a complete wreck, emotionally and mentally. He may want to talk about what went on in his counselling or not, everyone is different.
I do hope the counselling helps your partner, it has helped me greatly.
Remember we are here for you.
S x x
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Thank you Shaz. I know I'm being selfish now, just thinking of my insecurities instead of fully supporting hubby. Someone described Depression to me as a BEAST. And it is true.
I can't imagine how it feels like to be sufferer. I take my hats off to everyone who came out the other end stronger.
Forgive me for moaning.
Thank you again Shaz. X
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You are not moaning, you have every right to be concerned. Its so hard for loved ones to know what to do or say.
You take care
S x x
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Agree with Shaz
I hope it goes well today. I often didn't want to talk to anyone about anything after my sessions.
Xxx
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Thinking of you
Z xxx
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Im really having a difficult time at the moment. Sufferers might say " you don't know what difficult means".
Difficult because, one, I don't know how to help my Hubby and two my daughter just told me that she's having difficulty coping with his depression too.
Hubby had his first counselling session last Friday. Just before the appt he phoned me at work and told me that he doesn't think he can do it. I managed to encourage him and although he seems ok soon after the session, this weekend has been difficult.
He's been in bed most of the time yesterday and today, he's hasn't been out the bed apart from going to the loo.
I think he's been suffering with terrible side effects. He said both his legs are very painful and also his back (kidney area) and shoulder area. Because of his leg pain, he's not walking very well. He's very shaky, not eating and constantly in tears :(
This is his 4th week with Citalopram. And he's having to take some diazepam too. I fear that he is relying too much now with diazepam. I don't know, is it? He's got an appt with the GP tomorrow. Will the GP ask him to carry on despite all this bad side effects or change his Meds. If he change it, is he going to start from scratch again, not if its not making any difference anyway.
I tried to reassure my daughter and her fiancée. They are continuing in planning their wedding in 7 months time and because of my hubby's illness, we're not able to help them with the planning.
My daughter feels really resentful of everything. I guess she doesn't really understand. I don't understand so it's difficult for me to explain.
When my hubby is really really upset, Id asked him what makes him so upset. Ive asked him to break his thoughts down to small pieces, maybe I could help. But he said he doesn't know why he's upset. It's just happens and he can't control the overwhelming emotions.
Is it normal for sufferer to be really emotional even though they don't know why???
I can remember before, many moons ago,when I'm upset and I told him I don't know why I'm upset, hubby told me that I can't be upset for nothing.
I got so many things that needs doing but I can't. I don't really mind because my priority is to help hubby. But I don't really know how. I'm here waiting for any movement in the bedroom and check if he's ok.
My life seems to be on hold but I can't afford to just sit here and do nothing because life will continue whether he's I'll or not.
I'm pretty sure that GP will put him off work for a few more weeks. With just my wage coming in, we are going to be in financial trouble very soon.
How long do sufferers normally be off work?
I'm sorry this is very long again. I didn't mean to.
So so sad and alone :(
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It might help if you read this and show it to your daughter http://www.familyhealthguide.co.uk/depressive-illness-the-curse-of-the-strong.html or a little book of the same name.
Counselling, while often very useful in the long run, can be pretty traumatic at times and incredibly tiring, try not to worry if your husband seems worse afterwards for the first two or three sessions. Its also very usual not to know why we are upset, we can have a good day and then suddenly reduced to tears for absolutely no reason, I know that doesnt help you but I hope it will reasure you that its quite normal.
I think the best way to help your husband is simply tell him that you are for him when he needs you and carry on with normal things as far as possible or if you have time, and if he finds it helps, simply sit with him and hold him, even just his hand.
Its not possible to say what his GP will decide to do or how long he will be signed off but it is very important to tell the doctor how bad things are as some depressed people try to put on a brave face which results in not getting the treatment they need.
I hope this helps
Z xxx
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The article Zaf has posted a link to, explains things so well I think and should help your daughter understand.
I understand the crying, I would cry and shake uncontrollably and just could not stop, I too just wanted to curl into featal position and shut the world out. Sometimes I wanted cuddles from hubby and sometimes just wanted to be left alone. I agree with Zaf, just be there when he needs you and try to carry on as normal, I felt bad enough and I personally did not want to disrupt the rest of my family anymore than I was.
I also agree that it will be up to your gp as to when your husband should return to work, all I would say it should not be too soon as going back early would be detremental to his recovery.
S x x x
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Hi again everybody. It's been a while since I last posted something.
Just wondering, does anybody know or heard about 5-HTP?? My hubby wanted some herbal medicine that could help him with his depression. We went to a health shop and the shop owner recommended it. Hubby spoke to duty doctor today and asked him if it's ok to take with citalopram. Duty doctor doesn't know much about 5-HTP so he can't make a decision.
Any thoughts or advice or experiences if any please I would be very gratefull.
My best regards to all.
HalfEmpty xx
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Just because its herbal doesn't means its ok to mix with other medicines.
Its a question of its specific biochemical interaction with the citalopram and also your husband as an individual. If your husband feels unsatisfied with his citalopram perhaps he could change medication.
Just because its called 'herbal' doesn't in anyway make it inert...if it was inert it would be pointless taking it anyway. For example, when sheep are given st Johns Worts, they develop mania and walk around in circles....buts its known as a herbal remedy.
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Steve is right, unless your husband's doctor says its OK to take it I wouldnt risk mixing prescription drugs with anything else
Z x
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Agree with the others.
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From things that I have read 5-htp should not be taken with anti-depressants as its increases seratonin in the body the same as Citalopram does so it could cause high levels.
S x x
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5 HTP is most definitely not to be mixed with Citalopram. The mixture carries the risk of generating Serotonin Syndrome which can vary from the unpleasant to the fatal.
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Thank you Stevie, Shaz, Buttercup, Zaf and Steviewellam for all your advice with regards to 5HTP. I will discourage my husband in taking other medications without doctors supervision.
I feel that he is getting desperate to get better. It's now nearly 8 weeks and he thinks that citalopram is not really helping him. Last week, his GP increased his citalopram to 30mg to be reviewed in 2 weeks.
Hubby still get emotional moments where he started shaking and feels sick. He gets very very anxious and still lacks motivation most of the time.
It is so difficult to be optimistic but I feel that I need to be positive all the time even though I'm feeling low myself.
Is it still worth continuing with citalopram?
Thank u again,
Xx
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We do feel desperate like that at times half empty, it would be wonderful if we could take something and the depression would just go away like taking paracetamol for a headache, sadly no one has yet came up with anything that works that way :(
I'd say keep on with the citralopram unless the maximum dose proves ineffective after 2 or 3 weeks
Z xx
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I too had wished many times that anti-depressants would work like painkillers but it takes a while to build up and then the effects start slowly. If there is no improvement when your hubby next goes to the dr's its maybe worth trying a different medication, there are several to try.
S x x x x