Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: Angelina on March 23, 2012, 02:26:48 PM
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I posted on here about October time about my issues with depression and everybody was so lovely. Things have gotten worse though.
I've had very long term depression, last year I attempted suicide and ended up signed off work for 6 months. I was living with my partner and he was very supportive. I managed to get a Christmas job from November until the end of January. When the job finished it all went wrong.
I knew the job was going to end soon though they were keeping me on as long as possible. I went into work on a Tuesday and got told that the Saturday would be my last shift. It hurt a lot, especially as my Birthday was the Sunday so it kind of ruined that. My job ended, I was depressed for sure and felt like I was dealing with a lot. I had a couple of friends who were going through a very rough time and I was trying to help them. Once my job ended I was back to being stuck at home bored and lonely. Things started going wrong with my partner, I'd get angry and he'd just shut down and refuse to talk. I started to self harm as a way to let the things out that were bothering me, and I guess as a cry for help. My partner knew about this but if I was crying he'd just walk away. Then he ended it over text. I met up with him and he handed me a letter about how he couldn't do this any more, that he still loved me and he'd help me move out. That was on a Saturday and I said I'd move out the following Sunday when my Mum could help me. It was awkward obviously living with him, I'd try to talk to him just generally and he wouldn't look at me, barely said a word. He cried sometimes.
Then on the Wednesday I got a voicemail from his mother saying I was being unfair on him and I had to move out that day. That she didn't want to be mean but she would if she had to. As it was her second house I had no choice but to go. When Mum arrived in the evening to help me move he kept texting asking when I'd be gone, that he and his mother wanted to come round and sort out the house. I got out as quickly as I could. So I'm 27, unemployed and living at my mother's house 70 miles away from what was my life and all my friends. I feel so lonely. My ex hs text me a lot since I moved out half way through last month. He says he wants to be friends etc. I tried that, I went round what used to be our house. It was hell, he even tried to have sex with me, he’d been texting me about wanting sex etc and I’d been telling him to go find a girl. It was so confusing. When I left I decided I shouldn’t speak to him anymore. A few days later he text me to say he had cancer. I gave in and replied the next week. He didn’t, he “just wanted to check you were ok†so he was trying anything to get a response. I gave him one more try as a friend. I stayed round, we had a day going to the pub we used to go to for lunch, we went to a beach we went to as a couple. It was just a nightmare, it was like being a couple but not. He was still on about sex etc. I ended up sleeping with him just before I left his. He knows I’m suicidal, and has gotten very angry about it. Tells me that life’s worth living and he knows what I’m going through, that I’m being selfish and an idiot. That I’ll ruin my family and friends’ lives. I’ve stopped responding to him, it’s been 3 days now since we’ve been in contact. I can’t deal with him leaving me when I needed him the most and then treating me like this. It’s like he’s a completely different person to the one I lived with.
I’ve not responded to texts from anyone for two days. I feel more alone speaking to them, I’m stuck in this little village with no money, nothing to do, away from everybody I love. When I talk to my friends in Dorset it reminds me how alone I really am, how far away they are. I was supposed to go out to Dorset this evening to go to the pub etc and I just can’t face it. Half of me is scared that I’ll see my ex and half of me wants to run to his house and scream at him for doing this to me while begging to be with him.
Every year around this time of year something terrible happens, and this is the worst. This time I don’t have my partner or my friends around me to help. Mum and I don’t really talk, she’s out at my aunt’s funeral today in London and I couldn’t face that either. It’s just added to the list of things that have happened recently.
I feel so stuck. That I keep trying and things keep falling on me and I get stuck back to square one. I don’t know why I’m writing this all, I know it’s huge and I’m sorry. I’m fighting so hard to keep going but I see no way out. I wrote my goodbye letters to people the other day, I feel like I’m going to break any day.
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It seems to me he doesnt know how to cope with your illness, I know that doesnt help you but its a reason why he's behaving like that
Z xx
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I think the same, I think he got used to me just giving up and attempting suicide, then being a zombie for a while after. This time I tried to fight it, got angry, self harmed and actually tried to talk about it. I feel like I'm being punished for not just giving up and quietly trying to kill myself.
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When we're depressed we tend to perceive things very differently to their reality but it doesnt help how you feel :(
Z xx
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&*( Angelina.
S x
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Hi your being pulled in every direction, you usually find the people who are close or where close are the hardest with the person with depression they are supportive for a short while then they ignore it, the they either accept it and move on with you, or try to destroy you, take control of the little things and sometimes when your being harassed we don't see it, take control of that part of your life tell your ex he is harassing you and to leave you alone, you have nothing at the moment and nothing is better than nothing and being harassed, so get him to back off use the law if necessary, go and see your gp and take your mum for support if you have to.
get some help and try to drift away from the letters you wrote and rip them up once you feel stronger
all the best LR
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Angelina,
You are going through a hell of a lot here. Even somone who isn't already depressed would struggle with this.
In some ways, you situation isna bit like mine. We are more or less the same age, and we both feel more or less the same way. Like you, at a certain time of this year, every thing seems to go wrong for me, and each times it gets worse. Last summer I had all but given up. I was constantly talking about suicide, if not talking then thinking. I was alone. Very very alone. Lost my relationship which devestated me. The last 6 or more months have been the worst of my life.
Please hang on, and please listen to me and beleive me when I say things do get better. The way you feel now is temporary and you will feel better again with time. I promise.
In the mean time, have you been to the doctors? Have you spoken about what has happened and how you feel?
Lots of love,
Steve X
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Thank you guys.
I went to the doctor a couple of days after I moved back. He said it was normal to feel like this. Then changed his mind and refered me to the mental health team, I used to see them when I lived here before. I've seen them a couple of times but there's a waiting list so there's not much they can do. I've tried various medications and have never found them to be a solution.
I've cut off contact with everyone. Partly it's a cry for help, hoping someone will realise that I'm at breaking point. Partly it's because I'm stepping away from everyone because I'm suicidal and I don't want them finding out if I do anything. The last contact I had with my ex was him texting on tuesday to tell me to listen to scroobius pip, the magician's assistant. It's about suicide and how much it'll hurt everyone in your life if you do it. That was what made me stop talking to him. He's not offered any real help, just become very angry if I talk about being suicidal. He's just said a lot of empty words.
My mum's off work at the moment due to my aunt's death. So I spend my whole day in bed watching dvds until the evening when I hide in the spare room on the computer until she's gone to bed. That's my life. I self harmed today for the first time in over a month. I have no money to do anything, and my friends are so far away. I've essentially lost my life, I didn't just lose a boyfriend.
I just can't see a way out. I've tried for 6 weeks now and it's just getting harder.
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Hi Angelina,
I understand entirely your situation.
In terms of seeking help, you do still have options left, and I would like to urge you to try them, as I have been in the same situation as you are now. You can try ring the mental health team again, and stress that you are at crises point. This is what I did and they agreed to move to appointment forward by two months.
Also, there is the crises team. Please do not attempt suicide, you life my be unbearable at the moment but even thugh it seems impossible, you will improve. If you do find you self seriously thinking about suicide, please please ring the crises team. Do you have their number?
You can get your life back I promise. I know from experience that things do get better. I have been in your situation when I have lost everything and I have been suicidal, but I managed to discover that there were still some open doors for me.
The world would not be better of without you, you family would not be happier either. Please hang on.
Will you try what I suggested?
Love Steve X
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To be honest I've always found the mental health team here useless. I really got somewhere with the Dorset team and it's another thing I've lost. I was hoping to move back to Dorset once I found a job there so they said it was a bit pointless organising anything here, that I could phone up though and they'd try to get someone to speak to me on the phone or to see. But it'd be the on duty person so it's likely to be somebody different each time. I am still job hunting in the periods between crying but I know my work history is terrible due to the depression and the distance thing is an issue so it could be months before I find anything.
Reading the report of my assessment for the team here almost made me laugh. Because I can talk about what's going on and look them in the eye I'm not seen as much of a risk to myself. I did say I thought about suicide all the time. Also I'm so used to these assessments and therapy in general I'm fine with talking about it all, it's like a part of my life as much as smoking. If I can find the effort to phone them (hate phone calls) on Monday I'll try and see them to explain that I need help now. Even getting there is an effort, in Dorset the place was a 7 minute very quiet walk from my house. Here it involves driving to the local town and parking in a busy supermarket carpark. So there's the driving issue and the people and just being in public issue.
I feel like I'm far too sick to work, but if I don't find a job I'll be stuck here even longer. Being here makes me sicker as time goes on, it always has. Mum just came in and she was reading this for sure, hasn't said a word about it and has gone again. She just can't talk about anything real.
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I also had problems due to my ability to behave normally, when, infact, I was dangerously depressed.
I do beleive that it is important for you to get help as soon as possible, and I think you should make that phone call, even if you think they are a bit useless.
Please do hang on, you can get through this. You do deserve support. Things will get better in time. Its seems impossible right now but its true, things do get better.
Is there anyone at all you can reach to in order to tackle the feelings of isolation?
Steve X
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Not really, I've had one friend here that I was texting and we'd met up. He's going travelling in a few weeks though so that'll be the end of that. I fell out with my friends here before I moved to Dorset, they couldn't cope with my depression and viewed it as me moaning. I got raped and a few days later got told by one of them that I needed to move on and not dwell on it. So not really the type of friends I want any way.
I miss my Dorset friends so much. It's hard enough doing the drive there and being so close to my ex and my house etc knowing that I can't go there as it's not healthy for me to see him ever again. But the drive back is 2 hours of me crying and it's not safe and makes me feel worse really when I get home. Last time I got home I had to get drunk in the middle of the day to stop me killing myself right then.
My mum's taped Wipeout or whatever it's called and is making me go into the front room every five minutes to watch a bit she found funny. Every time she laughs I tense up in anticipation that I'll have to go fake laugh with her.
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Sorry, only just picked up this thread.
I agree with Steve. Even if you don't have much faith in the mental health team you need to give it a go and make the call.
What you have been and going through is really tough but you can do it. Please hang in there.
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Is there anyway you can get a good friend from Dorset to come and visit you? You sound to be in the middle of major depression to me, and it would be good if you could call in a freind to lend a helping hand.
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I will make the call. They think I need to talk about my childhood and how it means I can't cope with what happens now. I have a very different view and the Dorset team agreed with me. It has made things tougher for me, but bad things keep happening that would knock anybody down low. I've dealt with my childhood. It's things now that are the issue. I lost my job, had two suicidal, self harming friends, my cat died, my relationship broke down and I got kicked out of my house, meaning I lost my friends, my support network and my life as I knew it. And then my aunt died. I've dealt with my ex repeatedly saying he wants to be friends with me while talking about having sex with me and getting angry at me for being suicidal while not helping in the slightest yet saying he's never let me down. I live with my mother who I spend my time trying to avoid because I have to fake smile around her and I have no idea what to talk to her about. My life is my bed and my dvds. I really do not want to talk about what happened 20 years ago. Whenever I've seen the team here they talk to me like I'm 7, I feel worse after seeing them.
Dorset friends would probably visit. But I'd feel worse once they've gone. It's like a reminder of what I don't have any more.
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I'm not meaning to be so negative. But anything related with Dorset has just been a reminder that it's not my life any more. And the mental health team here I've seen on and off for over 10 years and have found them nothing but useless.
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I can understand your reservations and how you feel about Dorset.
I think you have been so strong to cope with all that you have and now you owe it to yourself to make the call. Hopefully you might get someone different, who you can work with.
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Dont worry about being negative, you are very depressed.
At the moment, what has happened with your ex is still very raw and would make anyone depressed. Its going to hurt alot.
Also, being as depressed as you are, very possibly clinically, you are going to look at all negative events and focus upon them. You will be seeing close doors and dead end roads. To you, there seems to be no future in your world. It seems like everything is over and lost, and there is only loss, and nothing to be gained.
I really do comprehend this. I've watched my world unravel. Please do hold on, because you will be able to get through this, and once again doors will be open, and you will be able to see positive events for your future. Your current perceptions are being formed in the depressed mind and all seems lost, but I promise you, if you hold on you will be able to realise a future for yourself.
I'm glad you are going to make the call, I think you should try to get the help even if it isn't as good as what you need.
Love Steve X
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Angelina &*( I'm so sorry things have been so bad for you. I am so pleased though that you have started posting again, you know we will all support you as much as we can xxx
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Thanks guys &*( To be honest the only reason I'm still here is because my mum's off work and I can't do anything while she's in the house. Otherwise tomorrow was going to be the day. I just can't speak to anyone, my friends are lovely but so far away and when I see them it's to have fun so I don't really want to talk about this. I keep reading about depression etc and how important it is to have support from people who care, but all my people are so far away. I can't just pop round if I need to talk or be hugged. Besides my mum and the man at the job centre I haven't spoken an actual word to another person since last Wednesday and that was my ex when I left his and that wasn't a fun conversation. I haven't replied to a text since this Tuesday night. I'd be happier if mum was at work so I could feel what I feel and act like I need to. The fake smiling and keeping the tears in until she's gone to bed is such hard work. I just want someone to hold me and tell me I'll be ok.
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Angelina,
I know exactly how I was feeling. My ex left me, I lost my freinds and respect, and my career was going down the pan. I had to move back home with my parents, away from the place where I had started my new life, were things had been good. I ended up extremly depressed, I would go days without speaking to anyone, I spent much of my time in bed. Sometimes I'd drink whiskey, lots of it, and just lie in my bed getting extremely drunk. I was very suicidal, and spent much time thinking about suicide. I would read stories about others with depression and I felt different. I felt worse I had nothing, nobody, and I had lost evering thing. My life seemed like a string of failures and loss.
Without a doubt, it was the most painful and mentally excruciating time of my life. What I can say for sure, is that I am glad that I didn't kill myself, I'm glad that I didn't do any of the things I was planning to do when I wanted to end my life.
Things may seem so impossible to you right now. You have lost all hope and you feel as though everything you had is gone. You cannot see any future. I do promise you that your current perceptions can change, as unlikely as it may seem to you right now. With time you can get throught his awful ordeal.
The plan for Monday shoud be to ring the health team and stress that it is very important that you need to be seen sooner rather than later.
Please hold on. Things are still very raw at the moment, but things will heal for you, the pain will decrease and you do have a future. Suicide is a permanant solution to a temporary problem. You do have ways forward that doesn't involve suicide.
Steve XXX
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So I called the mental health team, I have a crisis appointment tomorrow.
I also decided that I should try and reach out to my friends again. Well that was a big mistake. One friend called me a coward for being suicidal, that life is tough and I should change things and she'll never forgive me if I do anything. The other said there was nothing he could do as I've already made my decision. I know people don't know what to say, but this was just me saying how bad I felt, that I felt like giving up. It made me feel more alone and I've ended up not speaking to them again because I can't take being insulted and given up on.
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Hope your appointment goes OK tomorrow. It's tough when our friends don't understand. I have only kept in touch with very few of my friends, and only the ones that understand what I'm going through
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So glad you have an appointment. Hope it goes ok for you.
Its very hard on us when our friends do not understand the feelings and emotions we have.
S x
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The two people who I thought loved me more than anyone else have insulted me when I've told them how I feel. One kicked me out of the county and then called me selfish for saying I was suicidal. My best friend has literally text me today over and over calling me a coward. One text was just that word and nothing else. I'm supposed to be job hunting, my JSA means I have to do a certain amount each week but every time I try to apply for jobs I just cry. If I don't apply for jobs I'll be existing in this place until it gets too much to cope. I feel like I've tried for so long and instead of getting better everything is getting worse every time I try to do something.
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You are not a coward &*(
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It is good you have an appointment.
Your friends responses are extreme and also unfair. You are clearly not a coward. They care for you and (especially the girl who is calling you a coward) are responding in an extreme way in an attempt to stop you comiting suicide.
They either lack intelligence, life experience, or both. Some one who had brains, or at least life experience, would know how to respond properly. Unfortunatly these two people do not, but it definatly doesn't mean that they dont care and it doesn't mean that you are a coward.
It is extreamly difficult when you feel as though your life is collapsing around you. Please remeber that is awful feeling and situation is not permenant. You can get through this, an hour at a time, and then a day at a time, until you are not struggling as much.
Please hold on.
Steve X
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You are most certainly not a coward Angelina, you took a massive step in contacting the mental health team and you should be very proud of yourself for that &*( I hope it all goes well tomorrow, will be thinking of you xxx
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Many people have no idea how to deal with those of us that have mental illness Angelina and this often means they say things they think will help but have the opposite effect :(
I hope your appointment goes well
Z xxx
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I had my appointment, wasn't greatly useful but I'm seeing them again Monday and they're actually going to register me so I can see someone when I need to. Managed to spend a few hours in my garden today and got slightly sunburnt. Bit of a surprise in March but then I haven't really seen the outside much recently! My friend and I spoke and are better now, Hopefully I'll visit Dorset next weekend and will just have to survive being at the same pub with the same friends as my ex. I don't want to make it awkward for mutual friends but I've realised that I can't just avoid them because I know he'll be there too. If I do ever manage to move back then it'll happen quite often. I'm sure I can chat to him while swearing very loudly in my head !£$
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Hope Monday goes ok, i'm glad you sorted things out with your friend
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Hoping Monday is a more positive experience for you. Pleased that you managed to sort things with your friend and that you get to visit soon. &*(
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I didn't really want to see them then but because I'm suicidal and mum goes back to work Monday it was either I see them or they visit me. I really don't want to bring them into my house. I guess it's a good thing that it's a protective measure against me doing anything to myself. Right now I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not. Though I did make a really silly embarrassing promise to my friend. I am not allowed to hurt myself until I go out and get drunk with them in Dorset. And ummm, have sex. Not on the same night, but both experiences I guess she's hoping that will cheer me up. So unless Prince Charming knocks on my door tomorrow I guess I'll be hanging around for a while!
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At least you have the support there if you need it. Hope Monday goes ok for you. I am glad you are getting things sorted with your friend.
Take care
S x
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It is a very good thing that you are making positive plans. You will get through this and things will work out for you. I just takes time.
Steve X