Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: GH1986 on February 28, 2012, 04:26:12 PM
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Hello
I feel a little over dramatic putting this situation on the forum but I'm hoping that perhaps someone can give me some advice on how to go forward.
I have been with my partner for 2 years and we are currently living together (have been for around 14 months now). She works for the health service in the UK and as we are all aware, they are stretched to the limit at present given the economic squeeze.
The situation is, I firmly believe that my partner is depressed. Here is the story to date:
We met in March 2010, shortly after my partner had taken a spell away from work after having a fit in the office caused by stress. She took 2 months off and returned home to her parents house for some care and attention. Anyway, que May 2010 when my partner (easily influenced by a 'friend) spent the weekend with another man. Despite this, we sorted out our differences and come November 2010 we moved in together in another part of the country - chance would have it that we were both offered relocations with work slightly closer to one another. Anyway, after a period of not speaking to the so called friend, a night out in April 2011 descended into my partner spending the evening with a member of a stag party back at his (i believe there was more than one however) hotel. Que June when my partner lands the news she is pregnant. Although she remained adamant that nothing happened, she still took the decision (which was mutual) to terminate (sorry if this offends anybody) - it seemed too coincidental that the dates matched up. In November 2011 whilst we had visitors for 6-weeks my partner discussed with me that she wasn’t happy in a tearful conversation; work pressures were taking the toll and she felt that she wasn’t making me happy. Note: I’m not the kind of person to bounce around with a smile on my face, I laugh when something amuses me and I smile during conversations but I wouldn’t say I am overly jovial!
I'm not sure how much of the above is relevant but it may be. Now, present day:
After the Christmas break in January 2012, my partner returned home on the Friday claiming that she was fed up of the office; far too many patients to see and far too many procedural changes had left her working through lunch and beating herself up about the patients that have been waiting so long. We decided to book a holiday for the end of January to give us something to look forward to. The following Monday as I am leaving for work, my partner broke down crying. I took her to the GP who signed her off with work related stress.
Now, for the following two weeks, my partner was anxious, nervous with anticipation as to how other staff were coping in her absence. Almost as if she wanted to go back to work. The day before we left for holiday, her Line Manager visited the house to ‘see if she was okay’. Que, said Line Manager informing my partner that she was now ‘under investigation’.
Whilst on holiday (skiing – broken ribs, ouch!) we attended a couple of events during the week with the ski school which I left early (around 10pm). My partner returned one evening at 4am despite promising to get a taxi with some of the group who were staying at the same hotel (they arrived back at midnight).
Since we have been back from holiday (5th February) my partner has become very quiet and reserved. I thought that this could be the natural post holiday lull taken a little too far (after the news she had received from work). Her Mother came to visit on the 14th February until the 19th February where my partner seemed more like her usual self until around the 18th February when she began to regress again. I assumed this was because her Mother was departing early the following morning.
Since then, my partner has continued to regress, becoming ever more quiet and to the point now that if I do not ask her anything, she will happily sit in silence. Around 22nd February I said to my partner (after not speaking for 3 days) that this had gone on long enough and I was beginning to get concerned. The conversation was a struggle (I would ask a question and she would answer say 3 or 4 minutes later after I had repeated the question a number of times, with a blank expression and the answer ‘I don’t know) and she cited that she doesn’t feel we are compatible and we want different things in life (she is a very happy, bubbly person normally so remember that I am more reserved here however we were planning to move to Australia later in the year, her being the driving force – me needing someone to spur me on – I struggle with big decisions at times, I’m very selfless in this respect, so I’m not sure where this came from).
She has continued to be reserved and even when I asked her on Sunday night (again, saying that I needed to know what was going on) if she wanted to stay together or part company she would answer several minutes later with a face void of emotion and reply ‘I don’t know’. She says that she doesn’t want to get out of bed each day and that she doesn’t feel any emotion for anything although she knows she loves me, she doesn’t feel love for me anymore.
On Monday I called her Mother and explained that I was concerned and that what she saw on her visit was a false pretence. I tried not to worry her but insisted that I felt best her parents taking control and her being with them for a while – they have experienced this previously (see above). They agreed and thanked me although I feel like I’m passing the book.
The Doctor has previously prescribed her some beta blockers for the anxiety which didn’t do much. When the work related news came in, he prescribed a mild antidepressant (more to help her sleep – her sleep has been poor lately, but she has resigned herself to the spare room at night) which she takes sporadically. When she does take this, she sleeps okay but it tends to knock her out so to speak. Only yesterday I returned home from the office at nearly 7pm to find her still in bed having not moved all day (this has happened more than once in the last few weeks).
This afternoon she has received letters from work regarding her sick pay and requesting her presence at an interview for the investigation. We had a 15 minute conversation (her in tears) about this on the phone where I told her that we need to view this as a positive as we can now see an end to the investigation. I was comforted by the fact she was in tears (that sounds awful) as it is the first emotion I have really seen in weeks. Even the thought of us parting hasn’t caused any tears to her.
Guys, I’m looking for some advice as to what may be wrong with my partner. I feel it is becoming depression and I’m worried I’m going to lose my partner because of this. I have told her I will help her through this with her family and if she still feels the same after she has got her mind together we can go our separate ways. But, I’m terrified that’s going to happen.
It’s beginning to take its toll on me. She leaves for her parents on Friday after I have taken her to the Doctor again.
All advice is welcomed. Thanks.
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honestly, its difficult, the symptoms you are describing to point to depression, but they point to other things too.
The hardest thing, as a person suffering from depression, is the initial opening up of feelings and emotions, because once they start, they don't stop and I feared that loss of control.
From my point of view, I don't want people telling me what to do, I should do this and not do that. I just want someone to listen, non-judgmentally and not talk back expect words of encouragement, I don't even want them to go of and try to problem solve for me. If your partner is independent, strong willed, she might not want to admit how she feels and you shouldn't try to force it out of her. It will come, and you just need to listen to her. I know that depression has a massive effect on the partner as well as the person suffering, we don't realize it because we are suffering so much ourselves and think that by hiding it we are stopping other people getting hurt, unfortunately that isn't true.
I cant think of much more to say to be honest.
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Hi and welcome, I am not a dr but I do suffer from depression, and it sounds to me as if your partner is suffering from depression. I can relate to things you have written about your partner. I know I had no idea what was wrong with me for a long time and wondered what the heck was going on. I sympathise with you as I know it can be very difficult for loved ones. I did and still do find it very difficult to put into words how it feels to be depressed. I also remember thinking oh no what are people going to think, I was totally irrational. It has taken me quite a while to accept that I am ill an need medication. I also have councelling which I have found so beneficial, maybe you could tenderly mention this to your partner as an option.
Your partner is probably very frightened and scared with the feelings she is having, someone once said to me recovery is like taking baby steps and its very gradual.
Take care
S x
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Thanks you two.
These bouts (which have never been this bad) seem to occur when two things are presented - 1. The April / May time of year and 2. When the so called friend is back in contact - she was just before Christmas and they met for coffee just before her Mother arrived. I'm wondering so many things but one may be that its a combination of this time of year and the work issues are compounding the feelings. That worries me, because she then seeks solice in the friend and we know where that leads. I couldnt repair myself again if that happened again.
Keep the advice coming posters, all is welcomed and I'm a novice at this.
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I'm not a doctor either, but I can relate to what you have posted. I now know I suffer with depression and anxiety, but still get very scared and frightened by the way I am feeling. I just look for my partner to support me, even if I don't talk I just need him to be there.
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What your partner is going through sounds like depression to me too. Well her symptoms sound like mine and I've been diagnosed with it. Just you being around will help her, but she needs to tell her GP exactly how she feels. I hope she gets the help she needs, be that medication, counselling or both
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I'd say depression too :(
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Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do? Have I done the right thing calling her parents and involving them? Is what she saying about is likely to be the depression and not necessarily how she really feels or do true / underlying feelings come out in times like this?
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All I can tell you is that when I'm depressed my feelings change towards my partner and as I improve they return to 'normal', as long as your partner's parents will support her with this illness I cant see why not to involve them
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Mine are similar to Zaf. Before I started taking meds, I was in a real mess and said a lot of things to my husband that I didn't mean, it was the depression talking, not me. Thankfully my hubby realised this otherwise I Gould have thrown away the most important thing in the world.
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I agree with Zaf, I tend to shut myself away from my hubby when I am feeling bad, he has realised this and leaves me alone and is just there for me, he knows that as I feel better I talk and open up more to him.
I see no problem with your partner staying with her parents she needs all the support she can get, so with you and her parents support it can only help her.
S x
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Hi in depression a part of us shuts down to protect us, feeling and thoughts become numb, nothing is important anymore from our appearance to our nearest and dearest, what she needs is time and support her fuse has blown work and other pressures have put 18 volts through her 12 volt fuse, but the world keeps turning going to her parents may be a good idea, but get her signed off sick before she goes she needs to try to protect the world around her help her get signed off and while she is away regather your strength, speak to her about getting help if she wants and move from there, sometimes we are to close to the problem to be helpful so use this time to build bridges of trust and help little by little.
LR
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I agree with the others that it is depression. There could also be other things troubling her and the lack of communication on her part doesn't help either. She could be in denial about her feelings as well. The abortion could have been harder on her than you realize even though it was agreed upon. She has had a lot on her plate by the sound of it and she may not know where to start with sorting her life out. All you can do is be patient and consistant.
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Thanks for your help, all of you.
She's been back at her parents now since Friday. On Tuesday last week I kind of reached breaking point and (I know it may not have been the right thing to do) but I gave her some home truths about what she was doing to people and that she needed to sit up and realise things, put a hand in the air and ask for some help. That very same evening, I received a phone call from Australia offering me a position (me, delirious for a moment with excitement - we've been trying to secure a job for 6 months now) and when I told her I got the same emotionless 'good for you'. Good news is, that I have managed to agree to start in June and not April as they originally wanted, so it buys us some time however I'm well aware it may not be enough.
So, Wednesday she has received some information regarding 'the investigation' - a letter asking her to attend an interview to give her side of events. I've said to treat it as a positive (turning a corner, light at the end of the tunnel kind of thing whereby we can see the end of the investigation process) instead of a negative. She seemed to perk up that evening, Thursday she carried this on and Friday she was out shopping and we went for dinner with friends (her idea at first but as the time drew closer she seemed to want to back out, I insisted that we meet up with our friends as they leave the country also for 9 weeks soon so we may not see them again).
So she flew home on Saturday AM. Since then, she seems to be focussing her efforts on the investigation and Australia; things I told her to do when she first went sick - keep with the positives etc. However, she remains short tempered with me and still insists that she wants to be together although I'm getting absolutely no signs of affection at all, not that I expect any given the circumstances. I've had to say to her that there is no pressure on her to gather her mind, if she isn't right come June then I will go to Australia and she can fly out in a couple of months (or when she is ready to, thats if she still wanted to) - tried to get her to see the bright side of things; i'll end up going through the mad dash and stress of not only moving but 12 000 miles away!
Anyone been through the low phase and then into this sort of situation themselves?
You have all been so helpful, I cant thank you enough!
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What you are describing is very normal behavior for someone thats depressed GH, it must be horribly difficult for someone to cope with a depressed partner at times and I really cant advise much I'm afraid :(
Z x