Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: 24fan on January 13, 2012, 07:48:24 PM
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Hi, I'm new here, I really need peoples help! My husband of 32 years (yes really!) has been suffering depression for around 25 of those years - although he was only really diagnosed around 8 years ago. He has tried so many treatments, all the pills had horrific side effects, although he did stick with them for the recommended time, none worked. He's had cbt, he has a 'social worker' who visits once in a while and he's recently taken part in a study with some new tablets. I've read books about how to cope, I even went to a counsellor myself as I had suffered from bereavement and was finding things were getting on top of me. I was told that I must tell him exactly how I feel, that he wasn't the only person suffering! where do these people get their info?! If I had said those things, I think he would have ended up storming out and possibly killing himself! I DO KNOW what/what not to say when he is feeling like this.
When he is feeling 'well' he is fantastic, unfortunately, those days are few and far between. He is normally 'holed up'in the bedroom, watching tv, will not talk, despite me trying very light hearted conversations. We have two children aged 19 and 15, wonderful kids who give us absolutely nothing to worry about, which I am grateful for as I feel I am on my own. No one else knows of my husbands illness - its the way he wants it- so from an early age, the kids have been under the impression that when he hibernates in the bedroom, his asthma is playing up (he does actually have very bad asthma) I love this guy to bits, would do anything for him but honestly, every year in Jan, I think, I cannot have another year like last year and yet, the following year I look back and it was every bit as bad! I just do not know what to do. I hope that by joining this forum I can at least write down my feelings every so often and maybe get a little support. Many thanks
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Hi 24fan you are going through torture and you have been for a very long time!! You have been an absolute saint and have held your family together like a true and loyal wife and mother. So, first of all VERY WELL DONE YOU That is VERU noticable !!!
BUT, although the advice you were given about telling him how you feel is sligtly dodgey as you found, it is not entirely without cause... I think it is important to convey that some behaviours are not acceptable but to do it in a way that is appropriate to your individual circumstance is a very fine balancing act. I feel it is important to be able to convey how his depressive behaviours affect you so that he KNOWS. He is still a human. the trick is telling him in a way that is not going to spiral him further and if you feel that is not achievable you may not be able to. The ideal is.. that you can convey how the behaviours are affecting you and your marriage and family, so that the depression sufferer does not take liberties and forget that they are trying to get better. This is a very individual case by case thing though in my opinion.
i understand that you keep arriving at the same point and reflecting. This is very hard. If there are any particular questions you would like to direct to us please feel free. you may also feel you would like to separate your thoughts in a journal type way. What ever you find helps we are here for you. please use us as much as we can and I hope we help.
Take Care
Lol
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Hi and welcome to the forum :)
I'm sorry you have had such a hard time. I can sort of relate to what you say about not being able to tell your husband how you feel. I have the same problem with my parents, they don't know that I have problems with depression and they would never accept it either.
You can tell us how you feel, I have found this forum really helpful. Everyone here is very friendly and supportive. You are not alone xx
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Hi 2fan,
Just wanted to say welcome.
:)
S x
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Welcome to the forum.
Lol is right with his advice and comments. You sound like you are fulfilling a tough role in caring for him and by now im sure between the two of you that you know the illness fairly well. I respect you very much for the support you clearly give him - these are tough times for all of you.
Lol is right in what he says about letting him know your feelings for the purpose of him KNOWING. A lot of the time carers of depression sufferers stay quiet because they dont want to put any more pressure on their loved ones and this can take its toll on them. If you think something is important and he may want or need to know how you feel then it can sometimes be the right decision to talk about it with one another. As you have noted though, it doesnt feel right sometimes to burden the sufferer with other feelings that may make things worse. Thats when you have made a very smart move:...
You have done exactly the right thing in talking to a councilor yourself too. You can / should use these sessions to tell them how you feel about your role - especially the stuff you dont want to worry your hubby with. Some days you may get frustrated with his moods or behaviour, not because he annoys you, but because the SITUATION is getting you down. Its these feelings that the councillor should be able to help you most so that you can let off steam without upsetting him. Its so important to do this and look after yourself because you are taking on so much.
This forum is an excellent place to ask questions about the disease that you may want to ask other sufferers. it can help so much to know others feel and experience similar feelings and sometimes we can offer advice. Its also useful as a simple socialising and support tool for sufferers and their carers to share the battle together. After all, its a long term illness.
Once again, I respect the care and determination you clearly show in your support of him everyday and i hope this place can offer the same support to you as it has to me. :)
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I think that anyone who cares for a loved one who has a mental illness deserves a medal. Sometimes and myself included forget that the rocky road that we suffer is also the same for those who love you. Your doing well and give yourself some credit. I think it's important that you say how you feel but like others have said it needs to be said at times when you feel your partner is having some good days. My partner freely tells me that she suffers when I suffer and she has to put up with my mood swings, tears, panic attacks do I think it is only right that at times her feelings should be taken into consideration.
Keep up the hard work you and hope you both find happiness more often :)
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Thank you EVERYONE for making me feel I am not alone! Hubby knows how his illness affects me, but as anyone with depression knows, at the time you just don't care who is hurt. I am just so exhausted (mentally) at trying to cope with everything, all the time putting a smile on my face for my family and the rest of the world. Anyhow, just wanted to say thanks, really appreciate people taking the time, :)
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All I can say 24fan is that you are an amazing person and I think that you are wonderful for still being with him and for still loving him. If only all people were like you.
XXXXX
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Hi and welcome :)
When you say every year in Jan do you mean the depression your husband has is worse or occurs only in the winter? If so it sounds to me like he suffers from SAD as I do - I too have suffered from depression on and off for around 20 years and while mine can flare up during the summer its usually much worse in the winter or starts around the end of December when the days are shortest.
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We are here for you if and when you need some friendly advice or even just someone to talk to.
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I wouldnt say i suffer as much as your husband but have been married for a long time and my wife has dealt with heaps of stuff because of me. All i can say is that i find myself saying and doing things then hating myself for it. I dont even know who the real me is anymore! Its amazing people like you cope and stay so loving and supportive.
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Hi, back again and things aren't any better!, Zaf, no his depression is the same all year round. I did buy him a 'light box' a couple of years back, didn't seem to help - sometimes it seems as if he doesn't want to get well, although I know that this isn't the case. He seemed quite positive a few weeks back, looking forward to the start of the new year and spring - we always seem to get decent weather in spring. Last night he took himself off to bed at around 6:30pm, (try explaining that to your kids!) I was still up (worrying) at 11:45, he came downstairs, hardly spoke (unless I spoke to him) and eventually came back upstairs at around 1pm. This morning theres no change, he got up without waking me, went downstairs, made himself a drink and watched tv til me and my daughter got up, then he went back to bed! I have loads of patience, but to be honest all this is making me ill, I feel everything I try to do is thrown back in my face (which has a permanent smile painted on it!) I am a very positive person and even though I have had bad times myself, I try not to let it affect others, maybe thats why I find it hard to deal with. Hubby loves me, I know that and believe me, when he is having good days he is wonderful, I always get a cup of tea in bed before I have to get up, he helps me with the housework (he is retired by the way), we have days out, life should be great, but its not. Still, I know there are people out there suffering more than us, I just love the fact that I can come on here and get some of my frustration out. See you
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Welcome 24fan :)
I hope you find as much support and encouragement here as I have. Like you say - sometimes its just good to be able to get the frustration out!
Nay xx
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Sometimes moods can go up and down without warning and I hope that he is just going through a temporory rough patch. Im like this at times although I do try to talk to my wife about things as much as i can. Does he ever try to talk to you and explain things?
We are here to talk if you need us, it sounds like these are tough times for you.
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I echo Holykimura's post, how people cope with those of us that are depressed is amazing and I admire you immensley. I would say one thing, if you possibly can try to make a bit of time for you, preferably by going out of the house to do something enjoyable &*(
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Hi again, things still the same, we had a couple of days this week when I thought he seemed a little better - he was laughing at 'have i got news for you'! He was talking (albeit about just general things, but its a start) now we're back where we were last week, hardly speaking (unless spoken to) and doing nothing. He always feels better when he starts to exercise, a couple of years ago, he lost a lot of weight through exercise and diet, he has great willpower when he wants to. Anyhow, he won't exercise, the doctors say 'even if its just a little walk or jog, try to do it every day', yes, he knows its good for him but is so depressed he just can't! I read about some people who say ' I just said to myself, this is something I've got to do' - Oh I get so angry with people, I dare say that providing you are a positive person to begin with, this is slightly easier, my hubby is very negative, something he freely admits and cannot tell himself to do something. Because of his moods although I try to encourage him in very subtle ways, I have to be very careful what and how I say something, its like walking on eggshells.
I don't seem to have a life anymore. I've been reading an article which I first read years ago, where someone writes 'the person caring for the person with depression likens it to being a single parent' well, I'm not sure about that, although I'm sure being a single person is one of the toughest things to do, at least you only have yourself and kids to worry about. I (and many others) are running around like headless chickens keeping the peace, making excuses for not going to family gatherings together (oh, he's not feeling too well, something he ate) making sure the kids behave, and sitting up worrying all night when the one you love goes out for a walk and you wonder if he's coming back.Not sure how long this is going to go on for this time round, will be back soon no doubt, in the meantime, thankyou for all your kind words.
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its very usual for people with depression to go up and down unfortunately :(
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You are clearly struggling with this and although there is nobody to 'blame' in depression, you need to be careful to look after yourself. He cannot help how he feels - you know this as well as we do from what you have written, but it wont stop how you from feeling lower as time goes by. How are you holding up in general? Are you coping or do you feel that its becoming a bit tough to take? Have you spoken to anyone recently (councilor etc) about how you feel?
I think in your current situation its time game. Over time he may be able to pull himself up through the worst of it but it still means that you have to go through this with him. If you can do things for yourself that help how you feel, then you will be stronger and feel more able to support him. I can see that you care very much for him, but as I said above at this stage you can do little more for HIM that you are not already doing.
I hope that the next few weeks see an improvement and that he feels better. In the meantime, we are here for YOU too - People like you are worth more than any amount of money or riches and I hope we can help you through these hard times.
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Thankyou everyone - Zaf, I know that people with depression go up and down, believe me, when he is 'on an up' life is brilliant, we have so much to look forward to, however, he is currently sinking further and further down - I know that he will improve for a time, its just very hard watching someone you love suffering so badly and feeling so helpless. He has spoken about suicide in the past, to be honest, sometimes I fear it is just a matter of time and yet other times he can be so positive. I've not spoken to anyone recently, at the moment I just feel so angry at the lack of 'care' he receives, he hasn't seen his mental health doctor for around a year (too many people in the system apparently) his social worker, although really nice and helpful, only seems to see him when I phone and insist she sees him. He seems to have tried everything going and nothing works - anyone have any experience of ECT (is that correct?) We spoke about it years ago with his previous doctor who really didn't want to go down that route. He has spoken in the past about being able to go to a 'hospital' for a few weeks where he wouldn't have any responsibilities and he could perhaps get the help he needs, likewise, I wouldn't be worrying as much as at least I would know he was in 'safe hands'. Again, anyone have any experience?
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Sorry no experience of ECT. I do feel for you I know it must be hard dealing with a partner with depression, often wonder how my hubby copes with me. Your husband is probably beating himself up about how much he is putting on you, I know I do with my hubby. Its awful that he is not getting much professional help, but it seems its the same everywhere. I would have had to wait a year for counselling on the nhs. There just isn't the funding.
I agree with Glen you need time for you, its very draining for you to be dealing with this.
At least you can talk to us here and we can maybe help in some way.
Take care
S x
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I can advise you a little on hospital admission but only from experience.
As you can read in my journal, I tried to support a friend and colleague through a very low point in her life and she became dependent on me. I could not cope with caring for her on my own and convinced her to go into hospital for support - for both our sakes.
I must stress the following is my experiences and opinions based on what i saw and my expectations as a nurse in the NHS with 14 years experience (albeit not mental health). There may be other accounts that have more balance.
When she went in she was self harming but she was talking to me about it and was not too bad - a few cuts on her arms. We were promised help for her but also for me in the form of counciling. I never got any help. She was left to her own devices in a ward full of various mental health conditions with patients screaming all night and talking to the walls. They gave her meds at the allotted times and that was it. Nobody spoke to her and she went to a meeting to speak to the team once a week where they talked about when to send her home. There was no input or support. the doors were locked on the unit and she was watched most of the day from a distance by nurses who had no interest in speaking to her. I myself witnessed several incidents between patients and staff that were unacceptable including a shouting match between a patient and the unit MANAGER including confidential information in the public dayroom. The patient can only have been in her 20's and although I dont know the details, she did not deserve the way she was treated. When my friend finally came out she was 8 stone in weight and covered from head to toe in scars. Her mantal state was worse and the only thing that saved her bacon was her determination and the fact that she had started to speak to her parents again who took over her support and battles as i needed to back away.
I dont want to put you off as Im very concious of the fact that you need caring for as much as he does. This may mean that you need a break and to step back for a bit, but in my opinion try to avoid hospital admission. If you come to the stage that you do need support and space of your own then ask questions about where he would be and what treatment he would recieve. There may be better units out there than my friend had access to - indeed i have heard good stories from others. I just wanted to be honest and spare you from the possibility of having the shocking 'treatment' that we went through in 2010.
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Hi, Thanks Glen 53, that sounds horrific, no-one should go through anything like that, as if THATS supposed to make them feel better! He is off to an appointment on Monday, doesn't want me to go with him, (I might insist) in the meantime, I will be speaking to his social worker about further appointments with his doctor, he is supposed to be seen every 6 months, I know funding is short, but no one seems willing to follow up, a couple of years ago, 18months passed and then he only got to see someone cos I phoned up at my wits end! Anyhow, will see what the weekend brings, at the moment its not looking great, but hey ho, keep smiling!
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Perhaps offer to go with him and wait until the appointment, but allow him the space to go in on his own? Its a compromise that he may agree to. I know when i first began talking I did not want Rachel to hear some of the things I said - mainly because they were very dark and upsetting.
You are doing the right thing in pushing to get the regular appointments for him, but it doesnt seem fair that you are having to remind them of their obligations. The comment that they are busy etc should not apply as he is already a patient on 'the books' and follow up care should be carried out. It might be worth pointing out as a polite complaint.
I wish you both the best over the coming days, and remember we are here for you BOTH if we can help you. Once again I think people like you who support loved ones through this disease are truly wonderful and you need to be looked after too.
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;D Hey everyone! things are looking up, hubby seems to have got to grips with things, albeit in a small way, he's more positive and is looking forward to the future, something I honestly thought I would never see again. I am prepared for knock backs but at the moment, am 'enjoying life' once again! I pestered for a mental health doctors appointment, which, surprisingly, came through in 5 days! He is on new medication, but just prior to this, we managed to talk in great depth about how he could help himself, he's changed his eating habits (well we both have), we've both lost weight and this, together with the new meds seems to be working at the mo! Can't believe the change in him! Thankyou all once again for just being there, I have no doubt I will be back again in the future, if only to say 'hi'. If I could help someone as you lot have helped me I would be sooooo happy :D
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Thats great to hear :)
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Thats great news, I am so pleased for both of you.
S x
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That's really good to here
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Hi everybody,
just joined the forum - pleased to find that there are so many of us coping with the same issues. My OH and I find it really difficult to talk about
anything but the next meal, shopping etc. The silences are deafening!
I have tried many times to tell him that I care about him, here to help, also how I feel. But every time it ends up in him getting angry or more
depressed. I think I have completely retreated into my shell.
After a week of him being strangely "high", more agitated rather than "down" as usual, he seems a little calmer today. Maybe a good time
to ask him how he feels???????
He has been on anti-depressants for over a year without any effect. He hides his feelings very well, even to our GP. His family have no idea what
is going on - a common problem I feel.
As one of the other contributors said - anything but admitting how he feels!
Sorry this is a bit jumbled!
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Hi Karinu, oh I know exactly how you feel! Just keep hanging in there and keep visiting here, you get so many lovely words of encouragement to keep you going. I've learnt to let hubby take the lead in talking about how he feels, its so hard to keep things on an even keel sometimes though, just remember that its the illness which affects the way a person may talk to you, not personal feelings. Keep coming back here, there are so many people who will help, it also gives you an opportunity to 'give vent' (don't feel guilty) to your feelings towards this horrible illness.
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well, I've not been on here for quite some time now, its not cos things have been great, just couldn't find the thread! Anyhow, without sounding selfish, my situation is as bad as it was when I first posted on here. Last week we weren't doing too bad, considering just after christmas and everything, anyhow, yesterday, he decides to not talk to anyone, ignores me when I returned home (I was out for a couple of hours in the afternoon), takes himself off to bed at 6:30pm, accepts my offer of tea and coffee in bed this morning, (in an attempt to let him know I was there for him) but then ignores me. If I go downstairs, he comes upstairs (and vice versa) I sprained my ankle yesterday and its swollen - yes I should probably go to hospital for them to check it out, but I refuse to ask him to take me and he just does not acknowledge me! Don't know why I bother, yes I do, I love him to bits but he is destroying the life that we could lead. On top of this, our son is also on medication for depression and is seriously considering leaving uni after 18months, so he will be in debt up to his eyeballs with nothing to show for it! Hubby tried some new medication (again) but once again, didn't seem to be working so came off it. On top of this, he is worrying about this new change, (he was receiving Incapacity Benefit), he has been put in the 'work related activity group', they gave him an appointment on 3rd Jan! Aren't most people depressed after christmas!? Anyway, I had to cancel, explaining that he wouldn't come out of the bedroom or talk to me, let alone travel to an appointment and discuss with a stranger, how people can help I tried to explain to the person how he is, but don't think they take it seriously as its not 'visual'. He has an appointment with his mental health doctor on tuesday (at last), if he manages to get there. Must go, to all those who are suffering out there, we are not alone - there are wonderful people on here, whose words and encouragement always help - Thankyou!
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I haven't met you on here before, but my heart goes out to you. Many years ago, before I had any real experience of serious depression, I was in a long term relationship with someone who began experiencing the most debilitating depression. It was bad enough to watch, but soul destroying to feel so much disregard. Like you, it felt as if the depression was spoiling the life we could have had. I admire you're approach, you have wisdom to understand and experience that guides your own response.
I'm not so sure your explanation to the DWP will be enough to keep 'him' out of trouble, they could suspend his benefit. My advice would be to get a letter from a Doc explaining why he couldn't attend. He can appeal being put on the "work related group" for ESA and aim to be put on the "support group" until he feels he will benefit from a one to one.
It will be a pity if your son drops out of Uni, as you say, with all this debt. He can ask for a break for a year or two. His depression would be grounds.
I wish I could say something more that would bring you strength and encouragement. You need support yourself and I do hope you can find it on the Forum
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Hello
I have just seen this thread. I have posted on the relationship board a few times (my bf has depression) but I just wanted to let 24fan and karinu that I know how you both feel.
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I
just joined the forum - pleased to find that there are so many of us coping with the same issues. My OH and I find it really difficult to talk about
anything but the next meal, shopping etc. The silences are deafening!
I have tried many times to tell him that I care about him, here to help, also how I feel. But every time it ends up in him getting angry or more
depressed. I think I have completely retreated into my shell.
My bf started to make reference to suicidal thoughts last Friday evening. He has never done this before. I was quite upset by these comments but I explained calmly that I loved him very much and I wanted to help in any way I could and I was upset to see him so unhappy. I He exploded and said I was only sorry and upset for myself. Like you karinu I now find myself retreating into my shell
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hi want2help, as your 'name' states, we just want to help those who we love so very much. Like you, I spend my life treading on eggshells, having to really think about what I say and how I say it, I do think that with your patience and understanding he will realise that you ARE there for him. My husband too has dwelt on suicidal thoughts, thankfully not for too long, but I never know when the next episode will be. He has been like this for around 25 years, and I'm still here/there! Try talking to him about the fact that you realise its his illness which causes him to act like he does and that you know thats not the real him. I know thats easier said than done, sometime I just feel like throwing it all away, but to be honest, the thought of what he might actually do terrifies me. Apart from that, I love him to bits and couldn't live without him! Just be there for him, let him know you DO care, he will realise what he is doing to you, but unfortunately, won't actually care at that moment in time, but there will be good times as well. Just remember we are here for you, take care,