Depression Forums
General => Welcome our 'NEW MEMBERS'!! => Topic started by: tarle1976 on January 07, 2012, 12:02:07 PM
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Hi my wife has been struggling with depression for 8 months now.probably longer.and really need help the whole family has been under attack she has been on meds and therapy.and have done my best to keep life peaceful for her and over Christmas I've had cuddled and kisses on the cheak kids have more interaction as well which they really needed. The thing is she explained to me last night that she still wants to end her life.I really am lost now.I'm so emotional as there is nothing I can do.I feel like I don't have a right to help my own wife. I love her so much.and she explained that she can't be bothered to keep anyone happy.read all the websites on depression and read the posts on here and it all relates to our situation.I'm hanging in there for us all the kids 8 and 6 sort of understand.but I don't want to have to do what the doctors and my councillor advised me to do months ago.take the kids and leave as depression can be tought and home is where they learn most.I could never do this unless absolutely had to.just need someone to explain the when does it subside enough to for her to feel something
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hi, i cannot help you but it must be terrible for you and the kids, im sure theres something you can do and work something out.
i hope it all works out for you in the end.
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Hi tarle and welcome
I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time, as someone thats had depression several times over the last 20 odd years I'll try to explain as best I can how depression makes me feel and perhaps others will do the same so you get some idea what a depressed person goes through.
I become crushingly tired, its not a normal tiredness but as though all the life has been drained out of me, some days I cant get out of bed and others I can only get up for an hour or so when I'm at my worst, on at least two occasions Ive had a breakdown where I have panic attacks and get agorophobia to the extent that sometimes I cant even bear the curtains open to look outside, I also become very anxious and have mood swings.
I too have been suicidal many times, its not a reflection on my husband who is truly wonderful coping with my illness, even when I am horrible to him for no reason, he copes with full time and a part time work as well as helping his parents and my mum who are both ill, he also does a huge amount for me when I'm bad but still at times I have no feelings for him (or anyone or anything).
I have little or no interest in doing any of the things I would normally enjoy and even if I did feel like doing them often I wont have the energy, sometimes even reading a page or two from a book is impossible, at times if someone told me I had won the jackpot on the Euromillions I'd not even be able to raise a smile let along become excited.
I'm sure there are other common symptoms that Ive forgotten, it may help you to read this article to understand what depressive illness is and how it can affect people, there is also a little book that does the same http://www.familyhealthguide.co.uk/depressive-illness-the-curse-of-the-strong.html
If you want to ask anything please do and I'll answer you as honestly and fully as I can xx
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Thank you for the link.I know that its an illness but is there a truth in what she thinks .she has cut out her friends and says that they left her.her lies are fantastic even saying things that hurt the kids just don't understand how to deal with her.I know she is not having an affair or having one but its like she wants me to think she having one her iPhone games are her only friends .its been assest as a disturbed child hood which it was.but it seems like she wants to give our kids the same pain.is it right do u think that I should not give up on my cuddles and affection did u feel u needed them or wanted them.did ie husband feel as thought he should pull back for his own safety I'm sorry but I need to spill my guts.
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no problem at all
I dont have kids so I cant answer your question about that, and of course we all have different symptoms when we are ill with depression so how I feel may not be the same as how your wife feels. I do neglect all my friends when I am depressed as I dont feel I can cope with them, even the ones that know about my illness and I probably tell white lies when they ask me to go out etc and I dont feel like it.
Its difficult to say what do do about cuddles as sometimes I really cant even bear my husband near me and other times I do, he has lived with this for 20 years and I think he understands and reads the signals these days but I know at first he was very confused and unhappy :( I dont think he was ever worried about his safety though.
I wonder if you have thought about some sort of joint counselling to find out how she is feeling?
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She walked out of marriage counciling .over something I should have said.well what she interpreted.don't mean physical safety.she knows I run better on cuddles and no conflict.. I just don't trust the advice the specialist give me or my wife they may have a book and a degree but its not as easy as they think.meds are working I think but her advice from her care team was to divorce me.and why she says its nothing I have done.fair enough but why do they encourage something they know would make the situation worse. My wife on her own to get more depressed and end up killing her self.angers me .yet again sorry but eight months of this. Many thanks.
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it seems a very strange for a care team to say, has your wife been to counselling by herself so she can work out what her feelings are?
Depression can be a very difficult thing to cope with and understand so please dont apologise as youve obviously gone through a lot in the last 8 months :(
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tarle1976 this is extrememly difficult for you to cope with. You are distressed and desperate for clarity. It is right for you to feel this way because you love her and you don't want her to feel this way.
I had to deal with all the trappings of a depressed partner too and oh my word do I know how hard it can be. This is the only advice I can think of to give you.
1) The best piece of advice anyone gave me was this 'she is poorly, so she will be doing and saying poorly things'. Keep that in mind and use it as your mantra. The first thing you need to know is that you are dealing with an actual actual broken person. Just as you might be looking at some one in a neck brace and plaster cast, the same level of brokenness is going on inside your wife, but it is internal not external. Your eyes and head will be telling you to expect normality because that is what they can see, but your heart will be feeling pain and confusion and you have to educate them both.
2) No professional should be advising divorce etc. Did you hear this from the professionals mouth with your own ears? if so it is SO unprofessional that I believe it can be discounted. Registered, code of conduct abiding professionals must remain impartial and only help you to come to your own decisions, not theirs. If it came from your wife, you can not believe it. She is poorly, so she will be doing and saying poorily things.
3) How was your relationship before this happened?
4) Involve your children and teach them how to cope. It is maybe not such a good idea to 'hope they are not picking up on anything' because they certainly will be. Give them the tools to cope. Educate them. Childhoods mess up children and adults because an innocent childs mind has had to try to make sense of highly complex problems that it has not yet evolved to capacitate. Consider not yours and your wifes therapy, but therapy for your children. Enlist a specialist qualified, listed, BACP registered therapist, go see them and explain, and formulate a way to talk about, understand, accept and process the challenges your family are facing at present in professional monitored sessions. Make them fun, interractive, whatever you need to do. But don't try to hide it from them or hope they can not see, teach them how to cope.
5) is there a truth in what she thinks? yes! she truly believes that it would be better if her life ended so that she didn't have to deal with this. But what she is actually saying here, is that she wants how she feels to stop and be happy. She just CAN NOT see how that cold happen at the moment. because she is poorly. She is seeing things in a poorly way. The only way she can think of to make this stop is to end her life. but of course there are ways, she just can't see them.
6) You mention that her meds are working, what makes you say this?
7) you are a loving partner supporting your wife. If it feels right to do that then you are doing the right thing. If you or your children are ever in danger, please move out. But this can still be temporary. It doesn't have to be the end of everything for ever. If it is difficult but not dangerous, and it feelins right to continue and you can help you children not to be affected by it and tech them the tools to process this without becomng dmaged by it, then do it.
8) We are right behind you. Get it out in here and let us help. This is an awful situation. Look after yourself so that you don't end up in the same state.
Take Care
Lol x
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Thing is think they become to friendly.yes I take to a different councillor she has two and I don't know what's been said as patient confidence.I'm fine with it unless I hear from my wife snippets maybe there lies I just don't know I waiting for a company called new thoughts to give me an appointment as my doc advised me to see someone else. As I need support and I admite it now .but she has always worried about people helping me as she knows I'm kind and supportive and my advisers told me to toughen up I did.and boy it didn't work may her attacks turn 100 per cent onto me even her family where behind me.so out of character. We have done so well to get what we have.I'm not going to give up.just wish she could see a future soon . Or this illness may claim a nother loving person.
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Lol thank u.I know its sounds awful but I needed someone who understands.our marriage was good but she was diagnosed with an under active thiroide three years ago and started going to bed early like eight at night sometimes and I worked till half seven so we started spending less time together I understood but after time it took its tole on us other than that nothing really she spends far too much money but hay I knew that when we married.and being Scottish my wallet stays under the floor boards.lol
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thyroid and depression can be related sometimes. She has been dealing with a lot. Has she had her meds monitored properly? Was there a particular event that made you notice depressive symptoms? You say her meds are working, what makes you say that?
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Just a change in her .but she stopped taking the night meds as she said they made her unfeeling and put on weight.so purely.just the week before she became very sexual towards me like every minute then on her birthday party when everyone went home she stood at our back door in the dark for three hours.and did not speak just stared at nothing.apparently she was saying her goodbye.all very strange she noticed in Jan last years that she didn't think properly but ignored it.
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I don't understand why your wife hasn't had counselling on her own. It's good that you have had joint counselling but it would be good for her if she had seesions on her own. I really don't know what to suggest about walking away with your children or staying. Staying is hard on all of you but your wife knows you must care to stay. If you went away it could make the situation far worse nor does it solve anything because your wife will still be depressed.
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Was her birthday a milestone one?
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32 but she's slim very attractive and she has always seen herself as the opposite.
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Low self esteem springs to mind and that is hard to work through as I suffer with low self esteem.
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What happens when u suffer with low self esteem. And what improves how u feel.
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When you have low self esteem you have a low image of your own personal worth, underestimating it all the time. Others showing you positive ways you make them feel boosts your self esteem, the realisiation of your own worth to some one else, then once convinced of this, you can learn to trust that you are worthy and start to love your self. It workd the ohter way too, you may start with self esteem, then if others don't love you you start to doubt yourself and feel you are unlovable and have no worth. slippery slope.
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As Lol has said really - spot on. Boosting it can be tough though depending on how low you are.
Im suffering with low mood and especially self esteem right now and i find that when my wife tells me how much she loves me it helps. People at work are always sending me texts, telling me how much they miss me there and I met an ex-patient recently who told me how much of a difference I made to their life (im a nurse by trade). I cried. It started a battle inside me because I believed them...from THEIR point of view, but I still hate myself and my life. I try to remember these words and bring myself up, but I feel so low at the moment with what is happening to me that I still want it all to end.
I dont want to paint a grim picture here, I AM fighting this and I will beat it. That though is the rather long point Im trying to make. 90% of the battle is wanting to get better. If she has a fighting spirit and wants to win, she will with your help.
What can you do to help? Tell her you love her, and why. Do it often. It will be tough on you because you will be taking on more of the chores (kids house etc) but dont bring this up. Take the slack and try to make her life easier. Try to take her out. If she likes shopping, then take her and the kids out somewhere so that you can keep an eye on the money side of things, but make her feel like shes involved. Have an escape route if you do and be ready to leave when she needs to. It may be too much and she may want to go earlier than you or the kids.
Lastly? Talk. :)
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Yet again u say it like u know what she feels like.the patterns are such the same for so many .she wants to end it .she has to leave as soon as feels scared.I could not imagine what it must be like or want to .but you who have the illness do so much for people u don't know .u all are giving me great advice .can't thank u enough.
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You are most welcome.
As said, you clearly care for her so much, but dont take on too much yourself. Depression can take it out of those caring for people as well - I speak from experience here too.
Try to encourage her to speak to us on here more - I know she is on the forum already. That way she can talk to us about some of the scarier thoughts she has. Some of us deal with these thoughts everyday and although its still important for you both to talk to each other, perhaps we can lift some of the stress from you.
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For some Suicide is the ultimate self protection - Self destruct due to the horror/difficulty of life. Sounds daft dosent it!
Im a married man with two kids, 9 and 6. I have explained to my daughter (9) that Daddy gets a bit sad now and then but I have some medicine which im taking to help me out. I leave it at that. No point going into the depths of depression and all its co-morbiditys, kids dont understand and can get confused and take the blame on themselves.
My wife is understanding (her mother had been commited to hospital twice when my wife was young due to serious depression so she knows the score).
For me depression (pre meds), was hellish, I felt very down, all rational thoughts dissapeared and each day was a real struggle. Now (that im on meds Mirtazapine 45mg ) my depression is quite mild but I do have some oddities that run with it such as Intrusive thoughts (these are difficult to cope with), a "Weirded out" feeling, anxiety and sometimes a tarred/tainted outlook. But...I know I have depression, I know its not me really that is feeling like this. Im sick, Im ill, im taking medication just like anyone would for an illness of the body, it just happens to be my brain thats not working to great. I personally feel that your wife needs intense therapy/counselling as soon as possible. If she gets too bad and is seriously threatening her own life it may be the case that she needs to be looked after at hospital?? One thing I know for sure is that the stress of children is VERY difficult to cope with when im depressed. She may need space and time to sort it out on her own? But as for divorce, if the professional did say that, then its not professional at all. What about family therapy?
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Ive just read glen's last comment above, which is spot on. She can come onto this forum and tell us what she is thinking, trust me its probably no worse than any of us have thought at some time or another.
The only way is up.
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No unfortunately she does not want to join or talk about it.I wish she would.
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Today she admitted that she might need the night time meds again.
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Sadly you cant help her much if she doesnt want helping. Night time meds are a start, but they will only numb the feelings she has. Therapy is really what she needs - councilling, CBT or even talking to people.
All I can suggest is to be there for her and try to be supportive - as it sounds like you have been. Most of the time people hit a low where they realise that they need to be helped and it may just be she has not hit this yet.
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I agree that your wife is the only one who can ask for help which is difficult for you because you know she needs as much support as she can get. She may come round to joining the forums so it's something that can be left open for when she is ready.
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I think keep gently and respectfully reminding her that talking helps many, confirming it to her and allowing her to contemplate it in her own time, and one day she might come round to it.
Also, if you believe in the illness, and you are committed to staying and helping, then if she is taking meds and not feeling anything, keep gently and respectfully reminding her that temporarily her feelings are numbed. 'It is strange to feel numb, but at least we know it's temporary..' 'numbness is so hard for you, but its a necessary evil whilst you get better isn't it..' 'Do you remember when we used to... I miss that, do you?... I'm really proud of you for going through this numbness in order to get better and I can't wait to enjoy... agian..' 'imagine how it will feel when you can feel... when you feel better lets plan a holiday to celebrate how brave you have been to get through this..' 'I can't imagine how your numbness feels for you...tell me a bit about it...' 'I can not imagine how you are feeling, I think you are so brave and I'm really proud of you, I feel somtimes that we're in this together..' 'it's hard to believe that this is only temporary isn't it..'
Talk about it with her if she will. It can be like an elephant in the room.
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Well my wife has ended our marriage she told her shrink she knows what she wants and its not the illness .someone give me some hope as she will have to leave not me and I don't think she will like that.
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Oh Terle I'm so so sorry. This is what happened to me, but I still think my partner is in the grips of depression and the only way I have been able to come to terms with it is to leave her to do what she feels she needs to do. People should be encouraged not make life changing or major financial decisions during depression or depressive crisis, but sadly they feel they should. This is the most difficult thing to have to deal with. I don't have the answer. From what I can gather about the depression sufferer when they feel this way is that they feel the need to make major changes as a 'fresh start', the other alternative being suicide in some cases. But this is another, and the worse I feel, example of a poorly person doing and saying poorly things.
I'm so sorry, how does this make you feel?
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Deverstated and I have come home early to talk but she thinks its me that will be leaving.I can let my kids deal with her with out me.never.
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I'm so sorry to hear its come to this :(
I think you are quite right that if she is suffering from mental illness and you fear your children would be at the slightest risk you should stay to look after them.
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I'm sorry but I'm angry as I don't know if its real or the illness.and she has let me think we where getting closer. I tried and failed my kids it feels.
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You havent failed your kids, certainly not from what I can see. Depression is a cruel illness as it doesnt only affect the person who has it, it affects everyone around us, we try so hard to understand what is causing us to feel this way and blame things around us, too often its our spouse or our relationships.
Please do try to blame the illness and not yourself xx
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But she said I would be better of with someone else never has she said that she wants to find her self how when she has two wonderful kids she is blaming me or so it seems
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I'm no expert but a lot of seriously depressed people take their lives because they think their family and friends would be better off without them, could this be something similar?
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Over Xmas she was great with me kisses cuddles I stoke her back every night to help her sleep and today it was I still don't love u I knew u where getting the wrong idea.seems like she is having an affair and its a plan I pay her car off in a month had to go bankrupt because she has been off work.my blood is boiling and she has not come home yet .I have never been jealous but I have my concerns now I just don't think I trust her which hurts even more.money and her iPhone are her only friends now everything else has been destroyed .it has to stop kids suffer .my wife seems to enjoy it like its a weight of her mind and I'm a school kid trying to get my gfriend back. Sorry but this is how it seems and feels there is no feeling coming across.but I must say she does not realize the pain she is causing.I can't stop her if she wants to end it but I have always tried my best.crying now but what's the point I can't do anything about it.
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It sounds as though you really need to have a very frank discussion to work out exactly what is going on, is there someone thst could look after your kids for you in case it gets very emotional and it affects them?
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I wish I knew I really do I'm no expert but I have spent 9 months reading every web site to give me hope seems its been a waste of time.I have to accept my wife is no longer my wife .love does not save anyone and I was stupid to think it would.sickness and in health .they where just words now I understand them.I am still madly in love with her but its not her anymore someone will get to enjoy her when she is better.and may she find the love again.
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Yeah I thinks she will get angry. I will put them to bed .they under stand she is not well but they don't understand how bad .they are only 6 and eight
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They may well know there is a big arguement, somehow you need to minimize the effect on your children if you possibly can
I wish I knew how to help more :(
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I think we need to focus on you now.
Whatever is going on, she has made it clear she doesnt want to be helped, but it occurs to me that you may benefit from our support more now. You are clearly open to advice and support from others and I think you need to think of yourself and the kids now.
You have tried so hard to support her and she has let you down for whatever reason. Keep talking to us if you can and we will try help you, even if its just a sympathetic ear and some friendly advice. You seem like a caring and considerate man who loves his wife and kids so much and thats not a bad person to be.
If you do talk to her, then be the bigger adult. You may feel like getting angry - you have every right to be, but try to keep it calm. Make her aware that you wont cling on to her if thats what she wants, but explain as a father, that you cant leave the kids in her care if she is depressed. If she is being defensive, she may raise her voice to you first. Try not to rise to this if you can, - defend your kids first, and the relationship second.
My thoughts are with you. &*(
Good luck for now and all the best
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I totally agree with Glen's advice.
Thinking of you xx
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Terle Glens advice here is sage. I'm afraid what you are describing is what happened to me (minus the kids) I understand the descriptions you are using here. This is awful for you. Please talk to us to help you to come to terms with your feelings about this, if you can seperate your anger here you may be able to see a clearer way forward. However you feel, try not to make any big decisionss tonight, split up/ don't split up or whatever, you are too emotional to be rational about this. Try to keep all options open, don't close any doors. You love her, you can see she is in the grips of something, you know there is a real reason for her not to be feeling, but you also have a right to be upset, angry, VERY frustrated, and devastated about what seems to be happening. Things may not be as they seem.
Try when you are talking to her to ask her open questions; 'what makes you say that..' when you are talking about how you feel talk in 'I statements' I feel this way...' Don't get into a you made this, you made me feel, deffensive type of argumemt. DON'T have a drink whilst you are talking/arguing, try to remain calm and keep the situation calm. Take yourself out of yourself and see it as a challenge - like you're been told 'I bet you can't keep calm in this situation' candid camera type of thing - If you are calm, it will have a calming affect on her, even if it doesn't appear so. Aim for explanations, but remember there may be none.
Saying you would be better off without me, you could be finding some one else, is very likely a cry for help. The possible decode for that is 'I am such a mess and such a failure and you have seen me so at my worst I am embarrassed and can't imagine how you could still want me please explain to me how". Don't stop telling her how.
If your wife comes on here and you want me to delete this post after you have read it I will. And if I'm not around when you req then I give my permissino for any mod/admin to delete it on my behalf.
I am thinking of you. Take some breathers during your conversations but always come back to it.
Let you frustraton and anger out HERE, NOT to your wife, calmly and as eloquantly as you can tell her how you feel but don't lose it. lose it here.
&*(
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Thanks I wish would read them I'm not afraid for her to see the truth.and thank you very much for helping .
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Thats why we are here - to help each other.
Take care and keep talking.
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Here goes wish me luck. Calm calm
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Whatever happens we will be here to support you &*(
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Good luck.
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Right kept calm started out a bit harsh .now we are going to bed .her heads hurting and wants to die.but now admite she is not well.gave her a cuddle and she broke down.
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Well still no better of but she wants me to look after her tomorrow.but she wants to stop the meds and counseling as she.thinks.they are.putting things in her head.tried to talk her out of it.but she.wants out.she did.say that she wonders why she.can't do nice things for me.weird. kept telling her I love her and the kids need her .the future she needed a bath to sooth her washed her back which she has not asked me to do for months.really think she is struggling.she also said at Xmas when I was off she felt good.she has a shrink appiontment tomorrow in oxted she can face it as not taking the night meds and fears what reaction she will get.as she is making plans.fear I may have pushed a bit hard with my point.I'm not leaving my kids .but I said if u want to find your self u will not be living here.but left it to her.really no better off .but took all your advice.I cant see where this is going but I'm hanging on by finger tips.thank u all.need to report to u all as feel comfortable with all your advice .thank u again.
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Tarle, your doing well. She needs to keep that appointment, go with her. My wife came to my first appointment with the Psychiatrist and it was beneficial as she could rmember things i couldnt (as I was such a mess..). Plus the professionals get to see how your coping and can hopefully offer family therapy/Interventions. Good lcuk over the next few days. Your in my thoughts and positive vibes from me.
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Will try again in morning I was taking her and going in which she denied me contact with.patient confidentiality crap.so we will see.don't think she tells the whole truth about her fears and feelings.and suicide.are the thoughts really that bad .and she always has major head aches.I'm frightened really think she can do it.just can't see a lift in the mood even after 9 months only when she pretends as I found out over Xmas false hope.did u fall out of love with your wife while depressed.I get mixed signals.
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Well managed to get her to go but she wants to tell them she does not want anymore help from them.but should be able to talk her out of that also.seems like is going the same way as it started.the more help she gets. The worse she gets.or the more people care the angrier she becomes.she wants everything to be normal again.just plodding along but that can't be done .I can see her being put away again.
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In a way that sounds positive, its actually natural for those of us that are depressed to get very angry at times, sometimes we dont even know why :(
xx
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I am not an expert but i do suffer with depression. I know the first episode I had I was so frightened, thought I would never feel normal again. I know it must have been very difficult for my husband, I know I was hell to live with, he must have felt so useless, not knowing how to deal with this crying shaking woman. I remember hating the way I was worrying everyone, I have the same feelings this time. I cry and say you shouldn't have to put up with this. Maybe your wife is feeling this way too. Its a horrible illness, you just feel so awful and out of control. I remember the first time I sought help, I wanted the meds to work like a pain killer and just take it away, of course it doesnt work like that. It takes time and sometimes you can feel worse before you feel better and thats hard to deal with and understand.
Even harder is that you sound as if you have young children, I was lucky in a way mine were older. Don't know how I would have coped if they were small. She maybe feels she is letting them done too and beating herself up about that too.
Hope the appointment goes well today, I think you are being great and very supportive of your wife.
Take care and look after yourself too.
Thinking of you
Sharon x
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Terle your wife is saying a few things my partner said to me;
1) : she did.say that she wonders why she.can't do nice things for me.weird It is weird that they both said this. I remember my partner finding it weird that she was saying it when she was saying it and I also found it both a weird thing to say and that she found it so weird herself if that makes sense. When ever I asked my partner why she felt things she only ever answered with 'dunno' so I can't actually help us here. Perhaps other depression sufferes can help us out with this one. I assume it is because she can not think in that kind of 'thinking of others' way? It seemed to be the effort and judgement behind trying to think of something another person would like. Depression can be a very selfish illness.
2) You describe that she pretended over Christmas and gave you false hope. This happened a lot to me also. I think in a way though you have to believe in the pretence. Inside she is wondering why she is not able to feel the way she used to and was happy doing, so she acts this way instead. So in a way the acting part is good because it is the her she wants to be, and the her she wants to be is obviously a happier one with you.
3) The worse she gets.or the more people care the angrier she becomes.she wants everything to be normal again I believe here it is the drawing attention to the problem that is so difficult for her. She is both a burden and a stranger to herself and for other people to have noticed that and be moved to try to help her she feels more of a failure to herself. When she says she 'wants everything to be normal again' she DOES! But alas it is not and it is this that she is not coming to terms with. I think she has an element of depression denial.
I believe my partner had and still possibly has, a very strong case of depression denial. Because she felt like an emotionless failure she believed she was one, and based many majir life changing decissions on those feelings. I could not tell her that she was experiencing symptoms and they were not the real her, she believed them becuase she felt them. She truly believed she had changed. I believe she is still in there somewhere, but no matter how much I try to make her see it, she believes she has changed. She went from a happy, bubbly, relaxed, loving, positive, generous, thoughtful person.. to a selfish, unloving, neglectful, down, negative, dispairing person and rather than thinking (and listening to people saying) 'wait a minute, this doesn't feel like me, I must do everything I can to get back the lovely life I once lived...' she instead thought.... 'Well..this is me now, that means I'll have to leave my loving relationship, move out, buy my own place and die a spinster with a dog' --she actually said these words to me 'I'll have to die an old spinster with a dog!!!!!' I COULD NOT BELIEEEEEVE IT!!!
My advice is that you are doing a brilliant job. Keep reassuring her that she is suffering from an illness that is making her feel differently but she need not believe that is actually who she is now, those feelings are simply a reflection of her illness, NOT a reflection of her. Tell her that you can still see the real her and want to help her to feel like herself again but she needs to trust that this is only a temporary state and getting back to her old self is achievable.
You mention that you can see where this is going and you are holding on by your finger tips. Explain to me what exactly you mean by this.
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I believe I may be able to shed some light on point one, but its only my opinion.
She wants to do nice things for you but cant. I think whats happening here is a little of what happens to me. I run baths for rachel and make her tea when she gets in, but at times (especially recently) its simply not possible to do them. Im too wrpapped up in my own feelings such as 'why is this happening to me?, why cant I be more normal' and I begin to shut down. All non essential activities stop whilst I try to make sense of something that makes no sense. It doesnt occur to me that Im safe in my environment and the only one who can see me in such a state is her. I simply want to get back to how I was and I cant. When I get small moments of clarity I see Rachel sitting there doing her knitting and I wonder why she has made my supper, made my tea, run my bath - I should be doing those things because I love her and want to make an effort. This leads me back to my feelings as above and the cycle starts again.
In short, she is aware of the fact that she cares about you and wants to do things for you, as you do for her...but she cant because of how she feels and that in tur makes her feel worse. She cant break the cycle.
A suggestion may be to explain that you realise she cant do these things right now, but when she gets better you will let her spoil you for a day. Take you to dinner, the cinema or even just make your supper and run you a bath. Tell her that its unreasonable to expect to do those things right now because she is ill, and simply being there is enough for you. Tell her you will fight as a team and get your lives back. It may not be the same as before because she now has a long term illness. Explain that its no different from diabetes - its just a case of making adjustments so you can live with it not against it. Tell her its ok because you can make a new life together and that the depression need not control things. Acceptance of the limitations the ilness can cuase is the first step to recovery.
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^^^^^ %$% with brass knobs on!!!!!!! %$%^^^^^
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Thanks again friends.well been a strange day like nothing I said or she said was said ....but she came clean to the shrink .so they increased cetrilpram to 40 and now has tamazopram for the night time.but she keeps getting like she says a hang over.so got her in the bath to relax for a bit while I do dinner.and she has held my hand loads had a bad dinner out but at least we moaned together.and done a cross word puzzle with her even thought I can't stand them I got through it lol.
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Lets hope this is true the beginning of her recovery and things will look up from now :)
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You are looking after her well, and i think under the circumstances thats all you can do. Today was tough for her. Talking to a stranger about these feelings is super-hard. It occurs to me that may have been even tougher for you though. To be so unsure of your future with her and still stand by her and support her in the way you have commands huge respect from me. You are trying so hard to understand all this and gain the knowledge to support her as best you can. However this turns out, be kind to yourself on your efforts - you really have done everything you can to make things better.
I hope there are better times ahead for you both. We are here to talk if or when you need us.
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Hi Terle you have done brilliantly. I think you have had a day like today because you have addressed your issues and allowed her the time to think about them. She sounds like she is trying, praise her for that.
You are doing brilliantly. Today was very difficult for both of you but I think you have made some significant progress. :)
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Well taken the diazepan so maybe able to sleep better tonight.also paid for spa treatment with one of her friends so hopefully she will enjoy it not telling her I arranged it so she does not feel bad.listened to your advice.she is starting to feel sad so the horrible thoughts are starting didn't know that till now.like me her friend is nieve to the fact suicide is possible .she would not do that she said.its been a funny day but even though its difficult to figure out what she wants .I enjoyed helping her .cuddles do work and stroking her back at night .just all the things u take for granted when all was well .got an appointment with my helper a week Tuesday which is good. Just like to say that your words are priceless to me and my children and my wife Rachel.I think had I have not found u things would be a lot different now.not saying anything is saved but u have given me the tools to cope.I don't know how u cope with depression but at least u find the energy to help people and for those who have lost loved ones to the illness and have time and patients to relive the pain it causes to explain.
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It's one big familiar boat to all of us I'm afraid, if we can possibly warn some one off coming aboard we will, but if they have to we'll give them a cuddle when they get here.
You will only ever do this once Tarle, next time you will have all your own tools sharpened and ready for action.
&*(
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Agreed.
Helping others through depression is one of the tools i use to cope. The thought of sparing someone else from even the smallest part of this illness compels me to try.
You are both welcome here any time you need advice, or a friendly ear to bend. Thats what makes this forum what it is. :)
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Well she feels unwell this morning and won't be taking those again apparently.she is far more affectionate for some reason .maybe cause she now knows I'm not going any where who knows.kids she seems better with also.strange yesterday she wanted to buy me an top self magazine for some reason.well out of character I don't even buy them.as she keeps saying new day today taken it off to spent with her let's see what happens.makes me wonder if this is a goodbye situation again though.
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She admited now she is really unwell again even her dreams at the doctors are negative.just seems to spiral down always .one foot forward four back.love her so much.
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It sounds to me like she was trying to push you away to protect you. She clearly cares for you.
Your support for her is humbling, it really is. I have only ever been on the suffering end of things and I really REALLY dont know why my wife puts up with me. Living with this as a carer must be so tough and you have my huge respect
Keep going with what you are doing.
hugs to you both.
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It's good that she is admitting that she is unwell. Keep reassuring her that it doesn't matter to you. In sickness and in health.
You're doing so well, this is the hardest thing you have ever been through.
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Silly question just what next.Rachel is asleep and thinking.now I wait.
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All I would say is take every minute as it comes, and just be there. I know when I am really bad I don't know what I want or need, all I can think about is how bad I feel. Try not to be too in her face (not saying that you are). I always feel for my hubby, as I know I am an awful person to be with when I am bad. He just leaves me be and gives cuddles when I need them, he also trys to take control of everything eg housework etc so I have nothing else to stress me out.
Thinking of you
Sharon x
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Agreed.
one day at a time. Deal with each challenge as it arises - dont try to second guess depression and its many problems. You can never predict it from one day to the next.
If you need help then ask us and we will try to help you if we can.
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I think where ever you can try to resume an air of normality to your life. This might help her to feel that all eyes aren't on her watching her mess.
Don't try to second guess it nd don't try to make too much sense of it. It doesn't make sense . Deal with things as and when they arise, and praise her for any improvement. Then get on as normal around her. She may want to push you away to protect you more if she thinks you are having to majorly change your life to be with her with this illness. Remember she doesn't think it will ever stop and this is how it's going to be, but actually you know different.
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Right can't wake her .she is breathing but got to try kids .I should leave her.but she might not sleep later.dilemma
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Let her sleep or wake her very very gently, it used to make me very grumpy if I was woken up quickly
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Ok let her sleep it is then.lol
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Yep, good decision.
Let her sleep if she has been having problems.
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Right funny day.got home with kids Rachel had woken up the she felt bad because she didn't spend any time with me.then her mother popped round and said Rachel was talking about a trip away to Scotland just for a break in a cottage or something.why go to all these lengths to end our marriage telling everyone she has a bad marriage for three years so I found out from the mums at the school today.news to me but hay.I would like to know why its been so bad.but its an illness .but now I feel I have been blind for the last three years.but have to focus on her then our relationship.sorry all the answers are in the posts.
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Its so tough, but as said before - there is no reason to depression or the actions it can provoke in the sufferer.
Im a fairly logical kind of guy. I take after my dad who was an engineer, so if something is broken i take it to bits to find out how it works and if I can fix it. Nothing to lose!
Its no different with me and depression. Why do i feel like this? Why does it lead me to such irrational decisions? So i spend some time to try and understand. I get nowhere, so I spend more time...and more....and in the end It fills my life. I never get all the answers because sometimes there simply are none. This makes me feel low and like a failure because I cant understand my own feelings. In the end the answer is nearly always to accept that im ill and that things will get better in time with rest and treatment. I sometimes have to accept, like this time, that my life may change after an episode and that i may be a slightly different person at the end of it. Its a hard road to walk.
The answers to your questions may come in time when she is ready. They may never come as she may never want to speak of them again. She may just want to move on when she feels better.
As always, my thoughts are with you both.
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Well back work worried sick but she seemed ok this morning.she watched me scrap the ice of our cars this morning and smiled.so wants to do house work today so she has a plan.we bought a steam cleaner so she excited about using it.little things .so hope she will have a good day.gonna phone a lot I think just for someone to talk to which is fair enough.fingers crossed.she put a lot of her clothes in bags last night sorting out wardrobe with makes me a bit concerned but must not think it means anything else.
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Try not to worry to much, I know thats easier said than done. Maybe your wife wanting to sort through her clothes is a positive thing, she wants to do aomething positive. I know I often have a turf out and it makes me feel better, maybe its a woman thing lol. Wanting to do the housework is good but I just hope she does not do too much, I try and pace myself and do a bit but also rest.
Take care
S x
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Agreed. It could be a positive step forward.
One day / problem at a time. :)
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definitely one day at a time xx
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Somebody once said to be its like taking baby steps, very slowly.
S x
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Landlord just put rent up 100 quid and she opened the letter.back to square one.just seems this never gonna end.she is hysterical and wants me to go home so she can go to bed.so of I go.anyway how are u all.
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It has been baby steps.just people keep digging cravases lol
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Do u think moving to a nicer home would be to much for Rachel />.
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I think its a case of talking to her. Dont make any decisions without talking first and try to give her time to recover from feeling low over this latest news. Be strong and tell her everything will be ok and you will get by.
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I agree with Glen, talk to her about it when she is ready, and just try and reassure her all is going to be ok. When you have depression everything seems so magnified and awful. You can't see a way forward.
S x
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Imagine Rachel on a high wire. As a depression sufferer she has very little balance compared to a 'normal' person (whatever that is) and even the gentlest breeze will knock her off and she will fall right to the bottom and on to the safety net below. Once down, she will be frightened from the fall, angry with whatever knocked her off, and angry with her own lack of balance. She will need cuddling while she gets her balance, a trustworthy ear that hears her fears and that they are real to her, that shares her frustration and feeling of 'unfairness' with the thing that knocked her off and her lack of balance, and some one who will give her a hand up if its appropriate, or simply be present whilst she does it herself.
Until she is up, back up the ladder and on the wire again, you will either be speaking Chinese, or taking her legs from under her as she tries to get up if you try to introduce something else she would have to contemplate. If she tried, it would be like strapping her legs together and expecting her to do the same thing again.
I think it is a lovely idea. A brilliant idea. But you will probably need to sit on it with bated breath until you can see she is back on her feet again.
This is such a difficult journey for you Tarle, I feel for you so much. You are doing so well and willing to learn so much.
I'm sorry I think I overdid it on the figures of speach front. :-\
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No your words are great but its her idea .I didn't think she could cope.my bad its the way I type it. Lol u should all come round for dinner lol
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Then go with it if it's what she wants! At least she isn't wanting to move in on her own which is what my partner did!!!
Can you imagine!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D (the dinner party)
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Unfortunately yes .different story and fiancie.but yeah I just wondered didn't want to over load her but have to admite the cuddles and listening are doing wonders.sad to say its made me think I was not doing enough.I say we never had time together but I could have sat with her in bed when she was tired after the thirode problem started so lesson learned.LOL I know its no conciliation but as u said u could only do your best.
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This is all a lesson we are ALL still learning. don't feel bad for that. You will make some mistakes but you will always learn from them if your heart is in the right place and yours is.
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Exactly as Lol says. Hang in there. Its a tough long road we are all on and it can be hard to see things clearly some days. just remember we are here to support each other during those times.
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Right now we are looking for a little dog.this is bonkers lol
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All I can say is my girls (dogs) are great and help keep me going. You can tell them anything (and I do lol) and they don't judge just love.
S x
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She seems her old self all of a sudden except when the advert on Tele comes on she is reminded but hay Toby the tiny puppy has made Rachel very happy.fingers crossed
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Thats good hope things stay positive.
S x
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that's good you seem to have given her something to focus on that has elevated her mood. What advert on the TV are you refering to, I didn't quite understand that bit of your post?