Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: CaylaT on January 05, 2012, 07:47:27 PM
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Hello everyone :0)
I am posting on here in desperation because I cannot say out loud what I am going to write down!!! :0(
I was diagnosed with depression 3 months ago and put on medication which I stopped taking as my partner didn't agree and asked me to stop!! :frown:
Anyway since then I have been ok (or thought so)!
My partner has been getting headaches and acting odd and going to hospital behind my back but won't tell me why and what is wrong! Anyway this has gone on for some time and I have in my head built it up to something really bad (I.e terminal)!
I was driving home from work 2 nights ago and it must have been on my mind and all of a sudden a voice appeared and said 'I hope he dies!!!' :0( I immediately panicked as I really of course don't - I adore him and if anything happened I would not be able to live without him!
Since then I am hearing chants saying die, die, die in my head and that I want all my family dead, I want my partner dead, if Gavin has cancer its my fault and I have caused it and telling myself he is going to die a painful death - I am basically thinking HORRIBLE HORRIBLE things that aren't me!!! I wouldn't hurt a fly! I even sat and thought if I have a child I think it should die as I don't deserve to be happy and other awful things! What is this voice? Why am I so horrible??? I am thinking of leaving my partner through it as its making me feel I am betraying him by thinking this stuff but I don't want him poorly - I love him so so much :0(
Please help me! X
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Hello CaylaT. This is very difficult for you to experience and you are quite rightly worried and frightened. I urge you to go back to your doctors and explain this and also try to explain again to your partner so that he might understand that you need help and need to be medicated. Please don't stop your medication because your partner doesn't want you to take it, you have been prescribed it becuase it is necessary for you. If necessary take your medication without telling your partner, your health and healing is priority. Stopping medication suddenly can have undesirable side effects. Can I ask if you can actually hear voices in your head that you can not control, or are they like thoughts?
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Hello....
You describe feeling guilty for your thoughts..meaning that you dont want the thoughts to happen but you keep having them.
Welcome to the world of intrusive thoughts. It is OCD....you will be fine, and the thoughts are just thoughts...they are not real... you just need to learn about whats going on in your head....I can help as I have this bloody horrible condition, and it is treatable using CBT techniques.
I hope your husband is OK.
Steve XX
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Thank you :0) I can cope with most of my thoughts but my worst ones make me feel sick as soon as I hear them! My partner has been poorly lately and my head tells me I hope he has cancer and suffers when I don't at all! Infact if I didn't have Gavin I would have nothing to live for - he is my rock! I even thought the other day I am glad my mum is dead which I am not! And my head chants die, die, die all the time whenever I see anyone! I just want to apologise to people all the time for being a nasty piece of work :0( xxxx
The thoughts are like me saying them but I am not :0( x
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its a horrible horrible thing to happen to you, i think you will find a lot of people here get some form of intrusive thoughts. if it scares you, and from what you said it seems too, then it is OCD, and they are just thoughts. I know thats not easy to process but you wont act on them, speak to your Dr again, and start taking the medication to help you. Just becuase your partner disagrees with the doctors diagnosis, doesnt make him right! let your Dr help you, and it'll take some time but you'll get to the root of the problem.