Depression Forums
Depression Related Forums => Depression Central => Topic started by: chilliconcarnage on December 22, 2011, 09:55:22 PM
-
Well I consider myself as a normal family man, two children, happy marriage and a secure job. The only thing which may seem different to the Television “perfect norm†is that I have been suffering from Anxiety for many years. So, just a quick history of my life and the episodes that have sparked my Anxiety and a depressive episode and ultimately led to me deciding to share my experiences.
When I started going to Secondary school it was a daily (often cramped/hot) 9 mile commute on a double Decker bus. This wasn’t really a problem until one day I realised that half way through the journey I needed the toilet. This was a stressful situation and resulted in me having to get off the bus and having to find a bush! Yes not very glamorous or dignified but it had to be done! The next day, worry had set in that the same incident would happen again, and then a vicious cycle started and eventually this situation coupled with a bit of bullying led to me bunking off and not doing too well at school. When I finished school and started working, local jobs in a greengrocers and take away delivery driver, the symptoms of Anxiety I had felt at school had TOTALLY disappeared.
Fast forward a few years to when I decided I needed to think seriously about a career, and applied to join the police. No problems, I got through training pretty much unscathed and started as a response officer in one of the roughest boroughs in London. Two years later, still enjoying my job and getting on well, a few life changes were happening. Namely our first child had arrived and we were planning on getting married. Plus I was moving to a south London borough, and...to top it off were moving to a new address in Kent. So as you can imagine, a few stressful life changes, which at the time I didn’t feel really stressed about. So (if your still with me ïŠ) one day we were driving home to our London address after visiting my parents in Kent , arriving at a toll crossing, busy in general with a queue of traffic in front of us , when I turned my head to look behind us, I saw a big stream of cars advancing to form an even bigger queue behind. It was at this point that something happened....
Tunnel vision, extreme panic, and a feeling that I was trapped, and an urgent almost frantic need to get out of this stationary car “blockadeâ€. I then spent the next hour in the local service station crying to my parents and also my police sergeant about how I had just felt extremely panicky and stressed. The result of this “breakdown†was the onset of GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) and four months off work. During this time and an extra couple of months the house move happened and so did the marriage. I had started taking an Anti anxiety medication prescribed by my local GP but decided not to take the full course (for a reason now I can’t even remember...possibly me not being able to come to terms with my anxiety diagnosis, or thinking I could deal with it without meds?)
My Anxiety had manifested itself in a form of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) anxiety. Now this isn’t something you feel you can really talk about. You have a grown man (me) explaining that it’s difficult to go out unless I knew EXACTLY where the local toilets were. So this left me in the position of being office bound and not being able to be out on the streets as a Police officer. This Anxiety was totally irrational, illogical and had no basis what so ever. Vicious circle, Panic about needing the toilet, physical symptoms, panic more, more physical symptoms, and on and on. In the years to come and following I had learnt many unhelpful behaviours. Such as always sitting in the carriage of the train which had a toilet, standing next to the loo on the station platform, worrying in case anyone went into the toilet, avoiding social situations with friends, becoming withdrawn from pretty much any social activity unless the person I was with totally understood. I had recently applied for a CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) course which I had found in the Police Occupational Health website. I managed to get onto this and had three sessions at a drop in clinic in London followed by three other telephone consultations. The CBT made me feel a bit more anxious at first as you have to face your fears, but I understood the reason for this and took it head on. So I was feeling positive...
Fast forward again to around two and a half months ago...
I had a few consecutive days where I would wake up in the morning around 4am and had restless night’s sleep (anyone who has had depression will probably be saying “uh ohâ€). On the fourth day of this happening I thought in my head before looking at my watch after waking “It’s 4amâ€, and lo and behold looking at my watch it was five past four. I didn’t really think much of this and thought it may be the case I had a virus as I was feeling run down and tired all the time as well. Again I woke up around four and decided to go to work early. I remember walking through the town centre where my office was, about two hours early for work. No issues throughout the day and I finished early as well. Still feeling a little off colour and tired, I had an early(ish) night’s sleep.
One thirty am I woke, bolt upright in bed feeling absolutely horrible. I had just suffered a horrific dream in which my children were being injured and I was the perpetrator, and also other scenes of horror and distressing visions in my dream. I had woken up feeling like something REALLY bad had, or was going to happen, I felt isolated, out of reality and “creepyâ€. I also felt very unhappy and had what I can only describe as a pressure on my chest, utter despair and a feeling of impending doom/dread. I woke my wife and told her how I felt. She reassured me and said it may be stress. I managed to go back to sleep, but from that dream is when everything changed and I felt I had fallen down the “Rabbit holeâ€. I struggled into work for another week, feeling just terrible and very down. I finally plucked up the courage and visited my doctor who said that from what I had told him, I was depressed.
I was prescribed 15mg of Citalopram as a “maintenance doseâ€. At first this medication made me feel quite sedated and almost like I was speaking slowly. Then after a few days I felt like there was no hope and that I was useless, and full of despair. I also noticed small bruises had appeared on my feet and lower parts of my legs. Little bruises about the size of the end of a finger tip. I started having suicidal thoughts. Not so much planning and spending time on thinking exactly how I was going to end my life, but more of quick thoughts that would pop into my head and then go away again. I also thought of death a lot. I was starting to feel very very low.
I visited the doctor again and described how I felt. He took me of the Citalopram straight away as it was his opinion that the bruises on my feet may be a side effect of the medication and it could be related to a blood disorder due to the meds (I still have them now, so it may not have been the case). I came off them and was put onto 15mg of Mirtazapine. At first they started to work ok, and I can say that I felt slightly better. This didn’t last long though and I soon had to go up to 30mg once a day (at night). I was sleeping well, but with a few vivid, but not nasty, dreams. And I was eating like a horse. I had visited my local Mental health Unit who gave me an appointment which lasted one hour forty five minutes, and during this time my life was picked apart to try and find out why exactly I had suffered the Sudden Severe Depressive episode, it was quite an emotional time for me, because you rarely think about your life in that great detail, and I realise I had been living slightly depressed for years. But after a few weeks of being on 30mg I started feeling more depressed in the morning and that’s when the most horrible part of my depression started to creep in. Intrusive thoughts. I was put onto 45mg of Mirtazapine and again at first it was ok, although I can’t report any ease of my “morning†depression. But I was getting more and more intrusive thoughts. I’m going to explain these.
The thoughts are sometimes of a violent nature. For example me thinking “In a minute I’m going to kill someone†If I picked up a knife I sometimes think “I’m going to stab my familyâ€. I even had a thought of punching my son in the face, he is 6 ïŒ These thoughts could also be sexual, and also sexually directed towards my children, random members of the public and sometimes to people of the same sex as me. This is the most distressing and difficult thing for me to deal with. I have spoken to two doctors, a Psychiatric nurse and a counsellor about these. The answer I have had from everyone is that these are a side effects of depression and that’s what these Intrusive thoughts are, and that they do not relate to me in any way what so ever. This gave me comfort that I wasn’t going mad, wasn’t a paedophile, wasn’t a murdering psychopath or anything else that may randomly pop into my brain. It may sound like I’m making light of these thoughts but they would leave me VERY VERY down, depressed, constantly upset and crying and to the point whereby I truly thought I would be better off dead, and just wanted relief from this daily waking nightmare. So I called my doctor (psychiatrist, not my local GP) again and told her what I was feeling. I was given an appointment 2hrs later....
I was prescribed an anti psychotic medication (Seroquel) which has to be slowly introduced into my system with measured doses. Well I saw the Psychiatrist on a Friday. The weekend that followed I had only a few Intrusive thoughts (compared to constantly). So I thought, “Ok ill see how I feel Mondayâ€. Monday came and went with only a few “Intrusivesâ€, Tuesday I had two, Wednesday I didn’t have any and so on.... I had also started to feel a bit better and that my depression was lifting almost. I still felt bad in the mornings don’t get me wrong, but I just felt a bit better. And as yet the Intrusives have reduced a lot.
If i can just say something about Intrusive thoughts. They come in quickly and go just as quick, I feel they are worse the more stressed I am. And if I try and make them go away by shutting them off from my brain and getting stressed it doesn’t work. I’ve had to accept them and say to myself “This isn’t me, I’m not this type of person. I’m having some mental health problems at the moment and my brain is just trying to repair itself. And by doing that some signals are getting confused and causing me to think this wayâ€.
I have had another follow up appointment with the Psychiatrist and have been given some anti Anxiety medication to take (Busiprone). The reason for this is that I have a feeling that I can only describe as a creepy sensation. As if I’m scared of my own shadow and quite irritable/agitated. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if I’m Anxious or Depressed as the lines between the two tend to blur a bit. I sometimes also think “What if I have a psychotic episode and kill my whole familyâ€. This is probably an intrusive thought but it’s also an irrational Anxiety. I know this of course but it leaves me feeling depressed (See how the lines cross...).
I am also undertaking regular counselling sessions. They are ok (not the big relief/release that I have hoped for, but perhaps that’s me being naive), and I intend to carry these on. I have also been signed up for CBT classes by my Psychiatrist, but as it’s the NHS, there’s a long waiting list. The CBT will help with my Irrational Anxiety/stress and the links that it may have with my depression.
The past two months has without a doubt been the worst two months of my life. I have doubted my sanity, felt the lowest I have ever felt in life, felt lonely (despite close family and friends), and for the first time ever, thought about ending my life. Without the love and help of my family and friends I don’t know what would have happened, I really don’t.
So if you’re reading this and think “that sounds like meâ€. Seek help, don’t delay, you’re not alone, whether you have support networks or not there are people out there to listen and help you.
-
Wow...well done for getting all of that out, hopefully it feels like a bit of a burden has been lifted?
I suffer from extreme anxiety too... This has manifested itself in (mainly) not being able to go out alone and being constantly obsessed about my weight (I didn't last long on Mitrazapine!) Like you also, mine seemed to come from nowhere, but looking back now I realise I was depressed for a long time before I had a bit of a breakdown.
Thankyou for explaining so clearly about the intrusive thoughts. I have been having thoughts like this for a long long time and haven't really talked about them for the fear of being judged.
Nay x
-
Definitely well done for getting that all out, I'm half asleep so will read again when I'm more awake but my initial thoughts are more about the IBS than anything else at the moment as I suffer from it badly too and at times dread going anywhere in case it starts up, after 2+ years being prodded, poked and having various nasty tests involving cameras/barium/CT scans etc I was virtually dismssed and tod to go away, the medication I was prescribed was about as useful eating Smarties and I was completely desperate. I was fortunate to know a herballst who helped me enormously and these days rarely get a bad attack unless I eat something I shouldnt, I also have a couple f very good herbal remedies that a) stop the need to rush to the loo every few minutes and b) helps the pain after a bad bout.
Since consulting he herbalst I've only had to call the doctor out once (when I was so sick I couldnt keep water down let alone the psyllium mixture) and I've not passed blood with the dirrohea which was very frightening as you can imagine. Getting hat sorted has helped that aspect of my life enormously.
I too suffer from anxiety and depression plus panic attacks and at times agorophobia, its a horrible illness and finding his forum was one of he best things that has happened for me, I hope you too find it as helpful xx
-
yeah, well done for getting that all out in the open :)
you are doing the right things and seeing the right people, and it is all treatable, so just stick with it :)
-
Thanks guys. Yeah i know my first post was a bit on the Big side but i wanted to explain my Anxiety and most recently my Depression (well ive probably had it mildly for ages..).
As for the intrusive thoughts, they were horrid and the lowest part of my life when i was keeping them to myself. To open up to my Psychiatrist and Counselor about them was the best thing i ever did. I feel that really its best to let it all out and lay yourself open. Because keeping things to yourself just rots you from the inside out and can make you feel terrible.
Thanks again for all your kind comments! :)
-
Chilliconcarnage (love the name) this is an amazing post! You have been coping with such a lot and it sounds frightening and all-consuming. you have done so well to reach where you are today. Your story so far is written with such clarity, you have a good handle on your illness and all its manifestations and I know you will have helped a lot of people in here by describing your circumstances in such informative detail. Your intrusive thoughts are particularly interesting. I too have had simelar thoughts and they do come as quickly as they go. I have pondered them, but I know that I wouldn't do them, to me its a feeling of being totally aware that I could do something compeltely inappropriate. Mine are aften about killing, punching people in the face, suddenly driving my car off a cliff, or driving into a crowd full of people. I know I wouldn't actually do it, but these thoughts come and go, often in the middle of a meeting or interview or somewhere really formal mainly. I'm glad you have spoken about them because it gives others permission to talk about their own experiences more comfortably. Interestingly when I am depression free I feel guilty and tearful at the thought of the memory of the intrussive thoughts, but when I am depressed I entertain them like a sick joke floating through my mind. It's horrible.
Your early experience on the bus was so unfortunate. It is so often something like this that leaves whole lives affected isn't it.
I hope you find this forum useful and supportive. We will try to help as much as we can. That was one of the best 1st posts I have ever seen well done!
Take Care. Lol :)
-
Lol,
The intrusive thoughts were such a shock to me when they first started. Some were sexual deviant, very violent, bizarre, etc. The one that got me though was one night when I was putting my son to bed and giving him a cuddle whilst he was in lying there and we were talking about his pet lizard I think. A flashing image/thought of me punching him in the head time and time again until he was fataly injured. Its very difficult for me to talk about it as that made me feel like ending it all. I trully would have rather died than felt the way I did that night again. Hence the emergency appointment to the psychiatrist the next day... I felt like I must be Evil, sick, a Murdering psychopath to have them. They (and still do) make me just want to have a void mind when I have them now and then. What I think has "damaged" me so much about my depression was the fact how quickly it came on. It was overnight like a bolt of lightening. From being (what I thought then)a normal bloke who suffered from anxiety. To an all consuming darkness with added horrible warts. Still trying to fully come to terms with it now. But I do realise that I must have been suffering some sort of depression for a while, but not really noticed it. It was only after counselling that I realise how unhappy ive been for a long time.
Anxiety has had a BIG part to play in all this, probably allways has. I hope people who read my post can realise that they can be open with people about things they think that they could NEVER mention to anyone. It was a life saver being able to open up about the "intrusives", and I mean that litterally...
-
Chilliconcarnage I see what you are saying. Those thoughts must have been and still be unbarable to live with. Have you ever though you might follow though with any of them or have you known that you wouldn't? It's such a surreal experience. You feel you are alone with it.
The shame and disgust of myself is hard to bare. To know that I am capable of such thoughts is too much for me. I know that I am a good person. But I feel that sometimes, I can think dark thoughts that I never even thought possible. I am lucky enough to be a lucid dreamer (I can know that I am in a dream when I am in it, and control the content of it to my own advantage). Usually, when I am depression free (which luckily for me is usually) I decide I can fly, and really enjoy it. when I am depressed I carry out awful physical violence on people, sometimes people I don't like and sometimes people I love. At the time it feels 'disserved' (even now that makes my stomach turn) but afterwards when I am well I can't live with myself and feel that I am intrinsically a bad, horrible, nasty person but I don't really feel I am. I know I am a good person. But at the same time I am capable of such bad things. I have trouble living with it. At the moment I am depressed and aware that I am. Therefore these thoughts haunt me every day. My rational self realises that it is normal to have bad thoughts occasionally and my lucid dreaming ability is a safe way to act out my emotional angst. But I am completely and utterly ashamed of myself.
I am sorry you are experiencing this incredibly distressing problem. I am glad you can talk about it here.
-
I dont feel like I could carry out any of the thoughts. But the mere fact I think them makes me feel like I MUST be wicked. When I have the thoughts I feel anxious and quite scared, yeah thats the word, scared. Ive spoken to my counsellor and Psychiatrist about these thoughts. They say that everyone has weird or horrid thoughts at some point in their lives but if your not depressed you just think "Hmm that was a bit weird" and forget about it the next second. If your depressed you tend to dwell on it. Which is what I and probably you do. And then have more because its so scary.
The thing that was said to me which gives me strength is this....
The fact you get upset about them and they are so horrible is the good news that your sane. Someone whos evil/sick/not well, wouldnt feel as disgusted as we do. Its just a case of accepting you have them now and then and try to take them on board and dismiss them. Dont get me wrong I find it VERY difficult to do, but you HAVE to try your best, you just have to.
And when you say your capable of the thoughts. You dont think "right im going to think this and that". They just pop in, upset and scare you and then you have to deal with them. Its almost involuntary I think. Dont worry, discuss it with a counsellor if you have one?
-
Oh and i forgot to say. Express it here if you want. Its NOT you its your depression. Its quite common I think. Or so ive been told by a qualified Psychiatrist, Psychiatric nurse and counsellor.
-
Well done for describing things so clearly. It must have been tough to type.
I can relate to the IBS side of things well. I also get very anxious. I was diagnosed with Crohns disease when I was younger and this now looks to be heading for surgery as there are no other drugs left to take. I can really understand the planning you undergo when going out. Where the loos are etc. In London they have a SATLAV function for phones where you can find the nearest loo by phone app which I have found useful.
I hope you find some support here from us. With any luck we can help you though this.
-
well done, the dark is not so dark, the light is sometimes to bright.
-
Glen53 and lost rolex, thanks for your replies, means a lot.
-
Hi i receive counselling i am on my second course but after nearly 3 1/2 years with out i have a lot bottled up, TBH i had no idea i was as bad as i thought just a bit down, i suppose my psychical problems took over, i was that pre occupied with getting better physically i couldn't see the mental problems building up and unless you ask directly Dr don't intrude in that area. the one time they did i wanted to felt like killing a neighbor, i went straight away to the surgery and they prescribed me Haloperidol. i have a voice in my head that keeps pushing me, and only me i never give up, my Favorited film is "300", "take everything give them nothing" my wife has to tell me to stop focusing, leave it alone, move along, it extended it's self to my medication i know it better than my Dr's. which caused me to be experimental.
i don't talk at home about my concerns mentally but i have been recommended a good book, "depression curse of the strong" it's really very good and for me hit home, sometimes you just have to give up chasing every task to completion, you have to recognize when things get too focused.
very easy for me to say but having been the head of the house for so long to be left like i am it's very hard and one day it will bring me down, i would consider anything to get better but it's just fluctuation. the drug i really want i can not have i sort of understand that a bit now, but the strong urge is still there.