Hi there,
I'm 23 and have suffered from various mental health issues for as long as I can remember. When I asked my friend the other day when her earliest memory of me being depressed was, she replied that she can never remember me being truly happy. My friend has known me since I was 5 years old.
My Dad left when I was 4 years old. I was a bright child and knew exactly what was happening. He popped every so often over the years, when the guilt started to affect him, I guess, but each time would bring a few visits, empty promises and then another couple of years of no contact. It wouldn't have been so bad, had my mother not become angry, self-obsessed bully. She coped with my Dad's betrayal by blaming it all on me and my brother. I spent my entire childhood being punished physically and emotionally for my Dad's mistakes.I coped with what was happening to me by binge eating and eventually became buliemic.
Just before my 16th birthday, my friends and I went to a 15-24's camp, accompanied by my friend's mum. I thought I had made friends and for most of the week I could forget who I was and what my life was really like. Then the night before we were due to leave, one of the older boys who had seemed to really look after us during the activities, and whom I considered to now be my friend, raped me. The next day,I told my mum and she just asked, "Are you finished?" before turning the TV on. Even I never believed she could be so cold.A few months later, I left school and my dreams of going to university, and moved into my own flat. I was really depressed and struggled by getting into more and more debt.
As I grew older I found myself really distrusting people, while at the same time doing everything I could to get them to like me and be my friend. I never had boyfriends and believed I was hideously ugly and fat. I had no self-confidence and believed that my life would amount to nothing, but I never let people see that. I would always(and still am) be really chirpy and gave people the impression that I had a sunny disposition but inside I just wanted to crawl away and die.
Two years ago I met a man who could always make me laugh and eventually we fell in love. For a few months, it seemed as though my life had began to improve. Then I hurt my back and couldn't work as a carer anymore. I piled on a huge amount of weight as I was immobile and couldn't make myself sick anymore as it would cause spasms in my back for days. Suddenly the only control I had in the world was taken from me and I became severely depressed, locking myself away for months.
Eventually my boyfriend got fed up as he didn't understand what was going on and gave me an ultimatum, that if I didn't make an effort to sort myself out we were finished. Afraid that I would lose him, I asked a company that I had previously worked for if I could go back, and they agreed on the condition that I would take a promotion. For a while, my luck seemed to be in, especially when my boyfriend asked me to marry him. We moved in together and planned to marry in a couple of years.
On paper, I guess I should be really happy with my life after everything I have been through.....but I'm not.
My mother in law hates me for stealing her little boy, and although she never openly insults me, she is sneaky and sarcastic and goes out of her way to find clever ways of letting me know that she doesn't approve. I know she does this with her other daughter in law(who is lovely) so I know from her experience that talking to her will solve nothing. My Fiance is caught in the middle, which naturally causes arguments.
I am still struggling with my weight as I find it really difficult to exercise and cannot walk that far. I am hugely overweight and binge and purge several times a day at least.
I am sruggling at work because I am really depressed and can't concentrate, which means I keep messing up. I have no confidence and am convinced my superiors have no confidence in me either,
Most of all my relationship with my fiance has completely broken down. All we do is argue and we don't even sleep in the same bed any more. I think it began when I started taking the situation with his mother out on him. He responded by being horrible to me and it has carried on like this for months. He says he still loves me and wants to make it work but I feel so angry for the way he has treated me. Deep down I know that my past has a lot to do with this and he tries his best not to retaliate when I snap at him but naturally he fails sometimes, which results in the same vicious circle all over again.
I am so depressed and spend all of my spare time slobbing about and I just can't seem to find a way out. I feel as if I have just had enough now, and that I am fed up fighting. The only thing I have ever wanted was a husband and a baby who I could love and that loved me, and I truly believe that it is the fear of never having that, that is keeping me from ending it all. Pretty ironic since the fear of NOT having that, is what makes me want to end it most of all. I know I should go to the doc but I went a couple of years ago and they basically told me that there was nothing wrong with me as I had obviously made an effort with my appearance and depressives don;t do this. I didn't stay to explain that I pile on make up BECAUSE I am depressed. I am too scared to be seen without it.
I really apologise for the massive story I have just written and thankyou if you have patiently read it. I joined this forum because, although I can tell my fiance all of those things, he doesn't understand what I;m going through and I really need someone to talk to who will just accept that I am depressed and won't want to find the cause and try and treat it like an infection or something. I guess we all wish depression came with a cure.
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