Hiya everyone, im so glad i found these forums. Ill try not to blabber so here goes. 6 Years ago i was diagnosed with manic depression, had a year off work, never returned to the job as i felt guilty about having the time off. Was bouncing between jobs for 2 years after then my mum (whos disabled) divorced my dad and i became her carer, which i love doing. Before that i had just got out of a long relationship and then had a string of bad relationships shortly after, ive been with my present partner nearly 3 yrs, theres nothing wrong with our relationship. My behaviour in general is a issue, I worry constantly, i cry randomly (which looks weird from a 22 stone lad, trust me), i am constantly feeling like im being watched and surveyed upon, like im going to lose eveything. We have had some major money issues in the past (bad loans etc),ive never been in trouble with the police yet i feel like im going to get arrested and jailed all the time.I cant sleep but then when i do fall i dont want to get up again.I take everything everyone says to me so serioues, normally getting upset by it. I'll admit ive contemplated suicide, but never tried it. My only escape is driving its the only time i feel free and not in this state. Yet it's the way ive thought about dyeing, doing the one thing i enjoy. I darent tell my doctor as i dont want him to take my licence away. Ive recently got a new locum doctor who is excellent but all his referalls have really led to nothing, im on a waiting list but the woman who did the telephone consultation said she couldnt tell me what for. I came off fluoxetine 4 years ago and they wont give me anything else, i did a beating the blues course which helped for a short while but then just stopped. Im driving my mum and fiance wild i know i am, i hate being this person. Im going back to the doctors tommorow to see what else can be done. Sorry for the rant. Jbrookshaw
