Jokes thread

[Amanda_George]

Oh dear!  lol

[Amanda_George]

<groan>

[stewart]

could be worse..... wakin after surgery and the doc looks at your chart, and says 'woops, your NOT the mr smith that came in for a sex change

[Amanda_George]

<groan>  These aren't getting any better!  lol

[Pip]

Mine always get worse

[Amanda_George]

Nowt wrong with that, Pip!

[Pip]

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.  Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.  "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.  "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

[Pip]

A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana.  After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.  "Hold it neighbor" the man says, "I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.  We'll have a great time".

Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's "How should I dress?"

"Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, "Only gonna be the two of us".

[Pip]

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys with water, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.  "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asks angrily.

"We were just playing 'church,' Mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

[Pip]

A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded. While narrating the results to his friends, he told them, "The turkey I bred had six legs!"

His friends, who had got quite excited, eagerly asked, "What about the taste?"

The farmer said with a long-drawn face, "I have no idea. Can't catch it."

[stewart]

thats as bad as knowing when the minister has been drinking the communial wine, he goes on about

 'Big daddy, Junior & Spook

[stewart]

 

[Pip]

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man.  Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.  Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.  The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

[Pip]

One morning as Professor Thompson was leaving for the college his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty."

Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?"

He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Can you tell me which way it went?"

She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you."

[Pip]

A mystery lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.  The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up.  Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me."

The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.  "Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect."

He then hands the usher a quarter.  The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."