Jokes thread

[Catbrian]

I'm fed up people are taking the pee..."Give em a yard and they'll take a mile"

[Pip]

I don't think my postman likes me.  I sent away a film to be developed and on the envelope it was printed PHOTOGRAPHS DO NOT BEND.  He folded the envelope in half and wrote on the outside, "Oh yes they do."

[stewart]

heard that one years ago, it would be a typical thing the post would do though

[Pip]

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out.  A young jogger comes by and asks him what the matter is. The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire. I have a great big house and the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

[Amanda_George]

Oh dear!  lol

[stewart]

oh dear indeed,

[Greys0n]

ahaha lol

[Amanda_George]

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the
turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next
to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Reverend, you're
a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

And the minister said, "Lady, I'm in sales,  not tech support."

[Amanda_George]

This was on my Facebook wall yesterday and Pip approved it overnight   

[stewart]

Groan.......

[Amanda_George]

You can't say I didn't warn you, Stewart!  lol

[stewart]

what's green and turns red at the touch of a button?

kermit in a blender

[Amanda_George]

ewww!  lol

[Pip]

A land surveyor was tasked with mapping a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.  He needed a stout machete to clear thick brush as he went.  Along the way, he came upon a golf club that an irate player must have hurled into the woods.  It was in good condition, so he picked it up and continued on.  When he broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at him in awe. After all, he had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind him was a clear cut swath leading out of the woods!  "There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who really hates to lose a ball!"

[Pip]

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"

The guy shrugs and says, "Well, I guess I'll have the bad news first."

"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.

The man is distraught, "24 hours to live?! That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"

he doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."