Hi everyone,
I don't know where to start.... I'm just in such a bad place at the moment. I'm 25yo girl, haven't worked for the past year as my depression and anxiety have been so bad, on and off. One day or one hour I can be great and myself (very occassionally), the next the opposite and unable to cope with life. I don't think it does me any favours that I don't "look" depressed to the outside world. Some friends were shocked when I told them and so would other people. People say I'm beautiful, amazing body, funny, intelligent etc. but none of this means anything to me as I've had such severe depression and anxiety, OCD, Body Dysmorphic Disorder etc for the past few years (but i know i've had these since i was about 14 but just didn't realise what they were at the time). I've seen so many therapists, psychiatrists, tried different medications, self-help and I'm exhausted from it all!!! Fluoxetine(Prozac) was working for me a few months ago so I had a very good month or so depression-wise, was much happier but my anxiety was still extreme! Unfortunately I had to come off that as it stopped being effective and had tried the highest dose a few times before and had severe side effects so couldn't. My new medication sertaline I think has now made me worse... I want to come off it and don't want to be on anything, but I once went cold turkey before and it was hell... but so is living like this!
I find it hard to cope with the extreme changes in personality (and no I'm not bipolar, every psychiatrist seems to think im not). When I'm myself and good, I'm a very positive person, fun, very ambitious etc. but most the time I'm just a completely different person who I don't want to be.
Moaning, negative etc. I'm trying to work on it but feels like a losing battle everyday as my depression takes over.
The worst part is I've lost a lot of very good friends from it....because I've pushed them away as I'm so sensitive and get hurt easily so decide that something that would probably be not as significant to someone else, is so bad I can't talk to them again. I know I'm my own worst enemy, I'm extremeley self-aware, especially after all the therapy I've been to.
I'm living at home still which adds to the problem, but don't feel well enough to leave at the moment. My suicidal thoughts are back, trying not to act on them like I have in the past, but I just feel this poor quality of life isn't worth living. I feel I might be alone forever, I've been single 3 and half years lots of guys are intersted in me, but they don't know the real me with all these issues, but i'm not attractred to any of them besides as friends and I'm not comfortable in my own skin so don't think I'm in a healthy place for a relationship. I'm just so lonely and feel I've wasted my life away and so many regrets keep wishing I could turn back time (i know it's not helpful but I can't help it). I just want to be happy, positive and enjoy life but I can't seem to get to that place...and if I do it's extremely short-lived so then after when I get depressed it hits me even harder in comparisson.
Really hope someone can relate as I just really need some support right now.
