hi folks.
this is my first time here and from browsing the posts I thought it a good idea to make an account straight away as it seems there are some very thoughtful people on this here forum. I am hoping that speaking to people who have been in the same boat as me may help rekindle my love for life and people in general... id also like the chance to vent to people who dont have any preconceived judgements of me. so here goes...
i have found myself in a position whereby i have generally lost all interest in people, and hate almost everything. watching movies and tv makes it worse, as do social medias such as facebook and twitter (i used to LOVE facebook)... as all i see is the epitomy of everything i hate in human life and people... a lot of the time i know it has a lot to do with my own lack of self worth - i am over weight and have been since a young girl, and though i am intelligent and dont struggle to get attention from men, i am still very unhappy with the way i look. seeing constant images of what i wish i could look like absolutely does my head in (just go on a diet! sort it out! i hear you all thinking)... i can honestly say i have never really tried to lose the weight, but as i am trying to combat my depression and anxiety it is something that i am determined to address and fix. it took me a very long time to get to the doctor and get diagnosed with depression/anxiety, and now i am taking citalopram everyday. the doctor also recommended cognitive therapy, but i never took it up.
I have done one thing im proud of recently... i am 21 now and have smoked cannabis since about age 12/13. growing up in secondary school, i always found it difficult to stay friends with people... i never met my real father and my step dad used to beat me. my mother was/is an alcoholic and she never stopped the abuse from my stepdad and was also often on the receiving end of it. i lost faith in everything... my school never helped either. i grew up in a very affluent area, and in classes i was obnoxious and loud and most people didnt like me. however when i started smoking cannabis, i always had "friends". always had someone to hang out with. always had a common interest with people. it made me hate everyone less (unless i couldnt get any... then i hated anyone and anything a hell of a lot more). i stopped smoking 3 and a half weeks ago and am really proud of myself. however it has not been a quick fix, infact my anxiety and depression has gotten worse. i have moved away from all of my "friends" i used to smoke with, and rarely see any of them anymore.
the only really positive thing in my life is my boyfriend. we have been together about 2 and a half years. when i first started getting together with him, i stopped smoking weed then too, for six months. that was the only time in my life i have ever truly been happy. he was an ex-smoker aswell, so we fitted together really well. then we stupidly decided to start smoking together... and the whole relationship got really bad. i have "tried to kill myself" - i hate that phrase as i know if i really wanted to kill myself i would have done - many times when i was younger. i get myself so upset that i cant draw myself away from it and end up cutting myself or taking all of the pills out of the packet to take them all, but always chicken out. when i lived with my boyfriend the relationship got so bad i pulled this stunt a number of times and he just didnt know how to deal with it, and called an ambulance/police. we hated each other when we lived together and it was really stressing us both out so i decided to move back to my hometown after about 7 months living with him. when i came back, i moved in with my stepdad and my mom again. they were getting divorced and it was only temporary, i just wanted to be back near my friends/mom. one night my step father started his &$%+ again so i flipped out and hit him back. i bit him several times. he took photos of these and had me arrested about 2 weeks later. i got community service and was forced out of my parents house.
after this i went off the rails a bit, and was taking "uppers" regularly like mephedrone and cocaine. me and boyfriend were still arguing all the time, he just wasnt able to deal with my behaviour and i cheated on him twice. now i am trying to rebuild my life with him still by my side i am overcome with feelings of guilt and lack of self worth. i dont feel as though i deserve my boyfriend. though i have told him about one of my discrepencies (and he has forgiven me - we were on a "break"), there was one time when i slept with another guy (we were definitely together at this point, we have been on many "breaks" but this wasnt one of them). I have made the conscious decision not to tell him about this - quite a few of my old friends know and that makes me feel even worse - knowing that theyre aware that i did this to him.
i guess these are the main points that i have been struggling with, there are all of the auxilary bits and bobs aswell but these are the main things. so i guess what im looking for is other members who can relate to what i have posted, i know of course that everyones problems are different but i am hoping that some of you guys will be able to relate. pm me if you wish.
Lucyfer x
