hi all, i posted in here before 2 years ago. things got better and i stopped coming back. but recently i've been feeling really aimless and down and unmotivated to do anything. there're so many problems in my life and i don't know what to do.
my uncle got admitted into hospital in february for a giddy spell. things went downhill all the way and now he's in a vegetative state. breathing on his own but otherwise unresponsive and only having reflex movements, which recently gave us hope but i only just found out that the movements don't mean anything and he will most likely not wake up anymore.
i'm graduating from uni this june and i'm looking for a job. i don't know what i want. i feel so aimless, i've been trying to think about what i want for a job. all i know is i've been chasing grades my whole 22 years.. that was what my parents reinforced in me. i feel so lost. i don't want to be stuck in an unhappy job like my parents are. i don't want money to be my only motivation but its so hard to figure out what i want.
i'm still trying to figure out who i am. in everyday interactions with my friends, i often think about how to reply and what to reply, whether they're appropriate. i don't have a best friend, i've never had. it used to be my boyfriend D but now he's so caught up in his own studies, all our conversations are so meaningless. i'm trying my best to be there for him because he is stressed, but we don't have heart to heart talks anymore. and you know for girls we need to talk to feel emotionally intimate to people. there's no one i can have heart to heart talks with. my parents have never been there for me, my dad is authoritarian, my mum has never hugged me. they're quick to judge. my sister is so self-absorbed. she has been there for me sometimes but mostly she doesnt make me feel comfortable confiding in her because its like as if she's doing me a favour.
i've had very bad past conflicts with D's mum and my dad. we have had shouting fights, literally screaming. i feel very down, i can't believe i could be such a person. i'm quick to blame my parents and my upbringing for who i am today, aimless and unsure, quick to judge and being helpless all the time. unsure of speaking my views. but i know its wrong to blame my parents perpetually. but i can't help it. i feel worthless as a person.
i used to be good in my studies. but this semester i've lost all motivation or ability to study. i can't sit still to read through even one lecture. i get so distracted easily. i feel restless when it's totally quiet, i can't study when there's music on. i don't know what happened to me. i don't know where did my drive to study go.
and i'm always eating alone nowadays because D is so busy. i hardly see my friends because its the final semester and we're all taking different courses. i'm always settling my meals alone. i don't have anyone to talk to. and i frequently just feel like skipping meals because im so lazy to think of what to eat. or going to buy my meals alone.
i hate ruminating like this but i can't help it. my eyesight have become worse lately, i don't know if it's because i havent been resting them but i don't have the discipline to do it. the $3k i spent on lasik is all wasted. my eyes feel tired and blurry all the time.
i'm so unsure of my relationship with D. i used to think he's the one. but now i feel that there're many differences in our families, way of living.. and when i'm stressed about problems like my schoolwork or my job search, i feel that he's not there for me enough. he gives superficial responses like 'i'm sure it'll be fine, don't think too much about it'. it could be that he has confidence in my abilities but sometimes i just feel like he's overdoing it. he's always sugercoating his words to me. i feel so lousy about myself. he just wants someone to take care of. like a child. i don't feel love from him unless i explicitly seek it like a child. i'm so unsure of our future now. i don't know if i could do better. i feel like no one else would want to be with me because of my past and my chaotic thoughts and insecurities. i can't imagine living without D but i don't feel the love anymore.
i'm so exhausted mentally. i dont have the strength to face the future. i don't feel like studying anymore or searching for a job or thinking about my relationship with D anymore. its so unfair that my uncle has to suffer like that, he has always been a good man. i don't understand why this happened to him and why is my dad, who has had numerous extramarital affairs, still 'healthy' after surviving 3 heart attacks. i can't believe im thinking this but my dad is so hypocritical. he preaches moral values but he frequently has affairs with unknown women. my mum has in secret found lots of condoms in his possession and receipts of one-night hotel stays. he lies to us about going overseas when he stays in hotels. i feel so angry with him. he only knows how to show disapproval at what we do. he can show concern, but it's begrudgingly. he's always reading gossip newspapers and ogling at women but at the same time warning us not to dress the same way. it makes me sick.
i can go on and on about my dad. i don't know how to forgive him or not hold a grudge against him. i don't know what it's like to have a loving family, to feel safe and happy. D's parents are divorced as well. i wish i knew. i don't feel happy with myself and my relationships, and im so unsure of my future. what should i do? sorry for ranting and sounding so self-absorbed. i have no other outlet
