Depression Forums
General => I need to vent! => Topic started by: lostmyway on February 10, 2018, 12:04:44 PM
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I have suffered with this illness for years. Will it ever go away and stop tormenting me? I feel tired having to manage it all the time. The things that caused it in the 1st place have never truly gone away and I don't know what to do about it anymore. When I told my GP, he said I was pessimistic. Pessismistic?? Talk about flippant. Needless to say I will be seeking another medical opinion to genuinely help me. Who else can I ask? What else can I do? Nothing.
A member of my family goes " Aren't you worried that you haven't saved enough for retirement?" I am currently economically inactive. Telling me i'm lazy bc I don't have a job. Talk about lack of empathy and understanding. I removed apps off my phone because they were making me a bit obsessive/crazy/addicted/reacting to other's posts (sometimes in a very negative fashion). I need relief and be on the way to recovery.. I'm sick of feeling like this, it isn't normal. I will try to get a doc's appointment next week. I know I sound like a broken record but I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
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You need to do what is right for you, Lost!
Can you maybe see a different doc at the same surgery? They aren't all bad doctors, it's just that sometimes things don't go well between you and it's time to see a different GP? Have you got a psychologist or counsellor or therapist or anything like that? If not, it might be worth asking for a referral?
:hug: if you want it?
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I started an assignment with an employment agency 3 weeks ago and they are messing me about, giving me days off that I don't want/didn't ask for and I feel that my head is going round and round all of the time. I think they should waste somebody else's time bc I am getting sick of it now. I had to turn down the possibility of another job somewhere else because of this, and now I feel that I have done completely the wrong thing.
This is my life I guess.....
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Is the employment agency a temping agency or a permy agency? If they are a temping agency then maybe they are pushing the boundaries to see just how far they can go before you snap? I'd say go to your local CAB to see where you stand with the agency! Are there any other agencies close to you that you can register with instead? They should be treating you like a human being, not a robot!! :o
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You would think. The job advert said it was Mon-Thurs 7-3.30pm . Well it hasnt been that. Ive had 3 days off this week, 2 last week, a monday.. It's just a joke.
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With regards to depression we are all different so you could become much better, it stays the same. gets worse or have good periods and bad ones. It can be a case of getting meds right or getting appropriate support, having good coping methods, exercise, healthy diet, having hobbies etc.
It does sound like you're being messed around with the job. having a good routine with work helps so I hope it gets sorted.
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I'm with Pip, but she said it better than I ever could! :hug: if you want it?
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Basically it is about control (or lack of it), being empowered enough to change your life's circumstances. The 'job' stopped over 2 weeks ago, so I am back at square one yet again. Just having total apathy right now, mixed with sadness/despair/irritability/anger/lethargy and probably a few adjectives that I could add to that list. If you felt your life had been on pause since you were about 19, I am sure the vast majority of the population would feel exactly the same way as I do. If it got worse I would be under sedation , and who wants that in their life? Probably the loneliness and isolation is one of the worst things in my life currently (not new though, to be honest). I feel powerless and unable to do things, which is why I procrastinate where jobs and important things are concerned.
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:hug: How about a complete career change? You don't necessarily have to pay to start a new career, 'cos there are free courses you can do online (for example with OpenLearn) and having something on your CV that you can answer the dreaded "what have you been doing since you left your previous job" question at interviews... something that shows potential employers that you've used your time wisely?
Do you have any hobbies or interests that you could take further or anything like that?
I know only too well what it's like to live your life in pause and it's especially hard when you're ill but try and use your time between jobs to be able to put something on your CV. It doesn't have to be related to your job, just make sure you're interested in the subject. Maybe ask for advice at the job centre about benefits you might be entitled to as well? Job seekers/ESA and PIP at the very least?
You can do this, Lost... just keep on keeping on as best you can and you'll get there!
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Complete career change? All I really know is warehousing and IT stuff that I learnt online. IT was a hobby that I took further.. not quite sure what else there is at the moment. I bothered to save money so I wasn't really entitled to claiming JSA or any of those things. I guess they think you can live on fresh air these days. Open Learn isn't actually that bad an idea, it depends on the overall cost of it etc. I am just weary of life's endless challenges and yes...it's affected my health. The situation has made me ill, that's a fact.
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OpenLearn is a very good start and I've joined up with me already choosing / starting my first course.
You have good qualities believe it not, you're willing to work,you do work, you work as part of a team, willing to learn ..... now think of other qualities to fill in the ....
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I am actually with the OU still technically, but yeah I could do something like that, even if it was just a hobby. It's hard to feel positive when things don't feel that way, not something I chose to ever be, it just happened. Society is so demanding on its citizens that it's hardly surprising some have problems. My GP said I was pessimistic.. people are not like that by birth, genetics are partly to blame. If he lived in my shoes for 2 weeks, he might have the vaguest idea how I feel, but that's people for you these days isn't it? no empathy or consideration. The old saying life is passing you by I think applies. Yes, that makes me rather sad thinking in those terms and it definitely isn't healthy for body and mind, but it is what it is.
I just feel I have missed the boat and don't really want to be studying forever and a day if I can help it. Sure, it's gives you something to focus on and can be a great thing BUT you have to have the ability.
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All the OpenLearn courses are free and you can do as many as you want, as often as you want and there's no time limit for how long it takes you! For example, I started a course in 2015 then forgot to go back and it was still there waiting for me in 2018! As of last night, I've done 26 OpenLearn courses in 13 days and not paid a penny for a single one!
The only disadvantage is that you don't get any kind of qualification from any of the courses, but you get a statement of participation that you can include with your CV ready for the dreaded "so what have you been doing with your time since you last worked" question but it gives you a taster of distance learning at university level! You are totally free to pick and choose which courses you study... for example, I've studied childcare, 2 psychology courses and several creative writing courses, just because they were free and sounded interesting!
Go and take a peek and give one a try maybe?
Edit - click on the globe and it'll take you to my navigation page where you can see all the courses I've done and want to do!
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I have already studied at University level, at the Open University. Has it got me a job? answer: No.
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How about a complete career change though? I've got 3 career choices (childcare, secretarial and children's author) but there are other things that I'm studying on OpenLearn that aren't new careers, they are just things I'm interested in... something to put on my CV to explain the gap in employment? Something to show that I've used the time well kinda thing? :happy0158:
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There's a 5 year gap, how do I explain that? by lying?
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Far from it! You tell them the truth, that you were ill and getting treatment but you've used the time wisely to study/learn new things/get treatment etc! :hug:
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I agree with Amanda and it is illegal to discriminate against a person because they have been ill / unable to work.
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I'm not sure I was that ill I was unable to work exactly, but the moods have been extremely low ones that is a fact. It HAS adversely affected my health I am not denying that the past 5 years have been absolute hell without a job as it was the only thing that even kept me remotely sane. You reach a certain age and wonder what the hell have you done with your life. Yes, it might sound heavy and rather dramatic but I can't help but think this right now.
The old saying 'it didn't work out as you planned' is a cliche if ever there was one. I am sitting here feeling very sad and sorry for myself, that I have somehow failed as a human being to provide the life I really wanted (but never got). You think some doc or therapist would alter how I feel? I don't think so. A complete change of career is almost laughable as I wanted to initiate that in 2013 and am still no further to my goal.
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You have been ill though, to varying degrees and your health has improved to such a degree that you feel able to return to work now. You've been through extremely low moods, but with treatment they have improved and you are confident that you're well enough to return to work now :happy0158:
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Not entirely sure where I go from here, to be honest. Confidence and motivation etc need to be built back up again, as it is sorely lacking at the moment. I don't want to feel like this any more (who would?).
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That's totally understandable, Lost!
Are there any small steps you can start taking to help? For example the course I finished yesterday did wonders for my confidence and Steve's got the motivation to walk our pup every morning too (he's got depression as well)... they don't have to be big things, just something for you to try that will work on your confidence which will help your motivation, then you try something else that works which will increase your confidence and motivation etc etc. I'm doing that with studying... the first few courses were a struggle to motivate myself to complete, but I've done 49 courses in less than a month now and there's no stopping me!
Find something just for you and keep on with it... start a blog or whatever and challenge yourself to make at least one post a day? That's what I'm doing too!
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I do feel the moods have been getting worse the past few months or so , and I don't know what to do about it except goto the doc's but that's not always a good thing. I have to be frank, depression scares me, esp. when it's this bad. That's part of the reason why my jobsearch isn't as busy as it could be, I just cannot face it even though that I need to do something about it.
The sadness/anxiety/despair has increased to a level I am very uncomfortable with.
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:hug: if you want it, Lost?
What sort of job do you want... is it something that would benefit from online studying or not really? How about getting yourself out of the house just for 10 minutes every day, it'll be hard to start with but just a walk around the block will get the Endorphins kicking in which will lift your mood and motivation so you'll want to go out for a few extra minutes a day which will increase your motivation etc etc... motivating yourself for the first few days will be the hardest.
Also, are there any businesses close to you that you could go to to see if they've got any unadvertised jobs for you? Temping agencies too... that's how I got my 2 jobs when I first moved to Gloucester, the temping agency found me a temp job within days and it was me dropping in on a shoppers creche with my CV that got me my Saturday job too!
If I hadn't started throwing up then I would still be there and all I did was update and print out 3 CVs! :happy0158:
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5 yrs without work is too long and it is soul-crushing to be without for that long. Of course I never planned for it to go on that long. My CV is mostly warehousing but I have very little interest in this particular sector. I went to the OU to try and better myself, and it's been very hard work. I guess I will end up with another mw job I hate with no scope for progression but that's how the cookie crumbles in this life.
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It's been at least 15 years for me, so I do understand where you're coming from! Maybe see if there's something totally different to your previous jobs that are more interesting? For example, I'm qualified to work with children but never thought of child psychology until I took an OpenLearn course and I'm going to try and qualify in that with the OU just to see if I can just for my own benefit... is there anything like that which would interest you?
Try taking some Open Learn courses in totally different areas just to test the water? How creative are you? Do you understand computers? I'm just thinking about trying artistry or creative writing or computer building or programming or something like that? What sort of things do you enjoy doing? What are your passions? Could any of those expand into a job for you or anything like that?
You can do it, Lost, just keep on keeping on and you'll find something eventually! :hug:
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I honestly don't know what to do next.
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Maybe open up a new Word/Notepad document and type out what your passions are, what you want to learn more about, the things that you are interested in finding out more about etc then look online for free courses about each of those things and make a list of the ones you want to take. Then type out an aims/targets list with each of the courses you've found and work through them one by one.
You will prolly find that you don't get any kind of qualification from them because they are free, but every one you complete can be added to your CV.
Now use that list of passions and type out a formal paragraph saying what they are and why you feel so passionately about each one. Add that paragraph to your CV.
If you know how to make a website, put that on your CV and add your list of courses as hyperlinks to the page.
Put a list of previous jobs and qualifications on your CV with a paragraph explaining each one.
At the end of your last job, put a single sentence explaining that you've been ill since you left your last job, but you have been working on improving your health and skills and what you feel you can bring to the job you are applying for. Put the positives about what you've been doing and how you feel that you are a more rounded, understanding, compassionate person who could bring a lot to the company.
Really talk up the positives and barely mention the negatives unless they specifically ask for it and even then make the negatives as positive as possible.
You can do this Lost, believe in yourself and really focus on the positives!
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I'm not really sure I have any 'passions'. I will get a qual from the open university but what I actually do with it is another thing entirely. Life should be about progression and improvement , getting over one hurdle and to another, but it doesn't really feel that I have as much as others. In the modern western society, people are far too self-absorbed and busy to even notice what everybody else is thinking and doing. Why? I don't know. Probably society is responsible and you have to follow it's laws and regulations, whether you like it or not.
I need commercial work experience for IT and don't have it, so it seems I will go back to what I was doing previously, which I don't want to do... but life has an annoying habit of not giving you the choice.
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How about signing up with a few temping agencies or working from home or something like that? I know you prolly want something more permanent but temping will give you the experience and money that you need and the temping agency will do the job-finding for you too! Sometimes temp jobs lead on to something permy too... it certainly has with me in the past! :happy0158:
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I have used them before , but they tend to be a bit unreliable
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Might be worth approaching a couple just in case something comes up and you'll be able to get money in the bank too! :happy0158:
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I wonder at 18 I knew what I knew now, how my life was going to turn out? I probably would have ended up in the loonie bin or worse. Sounds like a joke, but there is a serious underlying message in there. I don't honestly feel any better than I did in 2013.
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How would you feel about really letting rip in a letter to your GP? Let it all out to him or her? Are you on any meds - how would you feel about starting/changing them? Are you seeing a counsellor or psychologist or anything like that? If not, how would you feel about asking for a referral?
I've been where you are and things can get better, it just takes a long time is all :chin: :t0405:
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I take Escitalopram, which supposedly takes the edge off the symptoms. I have done the things already that you have mentioned, and it wasn't much help. One nurse said " you are just unhappy with your lot in life." I'm like yeah really, that answers a lot and why I am here in the first place! 4 years of medical training to state the obvious. The truth is, there aren't any simple answers.
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Could you be referred to someone else? Do you have a CPN? It sounds like they aren't supporting you like they should be :(
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Nah, I'm not going down that road again. There seems no point to me. To get some patronising GP to tell me what I already know in the 1st place? no thanks.
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How about support over the phone or seeing a different GP or something like that? You aren't alone and the right treatment is out there for you... you just need to keep on keeping on and not give up despite the lack of support :hug:
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Hearing unhelpful words from a nurse isn't going to help you in the slightest. I've been very fortunate over the years with doctors surgeries being helpful and supportive except for one. She was Asian, didn't believe in depression and wouldn't prescribe anti-depressants. I stopped going to that surgery and didn't see a doctor for about 10 months until we moved.
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How can you not believe in depression, when there is a lot of scientific evidence that says the opposite?
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One of the main reasons is the lack of sustainable income from a decent job that allows me to move on and become independent, and feel trapped by the current situation. My inability to change that drives me to the edge of reason. I don't need a nurse or GP to tell me that, I have enough intelligence of my own to figure it out.
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I don't know what to say to help, Lost, so I'll just offer you a :arms: if you want it?
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You just have to fight through it by yourself sometimes.
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Yup! BTDT meself! You can do it though, Lost, and the forum will be here for you whenever you need us!
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I think I have reached the very end of my tether... this is the end.. I simply cannot live this anymore at the age of 47. It's beyond a joke. No independence, no job, no money, no friends, no relationship.. no nothing.
THE END
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What sort of job would you ideally like? What are your current qualifications? How about doing a free course with Open Learn to see what sort of thing interests you? Assuming I get re-awarded ESA in November I'm going to start studying with the OU and start with an Access course that you can, apparently, study for free... want to join me on that course? Bounce ideas off each other and talk through things together?
This doesn't have to be the end, even though it feels like it right now, things *can* get better and I'll be with you every step of the way if you want me to be?
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Ideals don't really work in today's society. I have already done 4 years study with the Open University, not sure I really want to do any more. I have done O levels/NVQ Levels 1 - 3 in IT, 2 in Warehousing. IT certifications CompTIA A+, Network +. Also a DipHE with the Open University. You just have to be lucky, and I don't think I ever was judging by my CV.
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How would you feel about a professional going over your CV to make it sparkle? Do you have transport or are you looking to work from home? How about temping agencies and stuff? That's how I got 2 of the 3 jobs after moving to Gloucester... the third was pure chance - I was in the right place at the right time, dropped my CV off and had a weekend job in a shopper's creche less than a week later!
It sounds like you've got the qualifications you need for an IT job but unfortunately I know pretty much nothing about the industry, which is why I'm suggesting temping agencies... have you looked online for jobs in your area or considered remote working or anything like that? I found Steve's job online purely by chance as well.
Don't give up too soon, Lost... the right job and your independence is out there for you somewhere, just waiting for you to find them!
As for friends and a relationship - use the internet to find them... that's where my friends all are and I met my husband on a newsgroup 22 years ago.
I know that right now it feels like there is only one way out 'cos I've been there myself but I promise you that things can and do get better if you just keep holding on during the rough times!
:g19019:
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I'm finding now that when i am on Indeed or similar , I freeze and worry about the application process and don't even bother, not that there is a lot out there anyway. It's like a genuine fear that I honestly cannot explain. Self-confidence has disappeared. So round and around we go... It's just gone on for far too long and I genuinely don't know what to do next.
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It sounds, to my ears, like you're putting waaaay too much pressure on yourself. I'm so totally NOT a counsellor, just trying to think of things that may help to ease your anxiety which may or may not help, but maybe get a piece of paper (rather than a Word or Notepad document) and a pen.
Write down a list of your good personality points.
Now, on a new piece of paper, write a letter to me telling me about why you're perfect for the jobs you want to apply for... what are your qualifications? What are your interests? Why would you be a perfect fit for the company? Things like that. It's a letter to a friend, nothing more, nothing less. Let those positive feelings spill into that letter! Negativity isn't allowed... tell me how perfect you are for the roles you are applying for.
Look back at that first list and tell me more about what happened to make you achieve each one. Look at your CV and tell me more about each qualification and job on your CV. What did you enjoy most? What did you learn from each course and job? Let it all out... I want to know everything!
What about your referees? Tell me all about them... how did you meet and get to know them? What will their reference tell me about you?
Negativity is NOT allowed. You are the right person for the job but you need to convince me of that. Convince me that you are capable of the jobs you are finding for yourself.
Now go to the job centre or temping agency or whatever and tell the person who interviews exactly what you've told me. If you feel your anxiety or negativity rearing its ugly head, imagine the person you're speaking to sat on the toilet, totally naked and they can't do anything to stop you watching them!
Go get 'em Lost... you can do this!
Smile through every pore in your body. You can do this, lost, I believe you can and I know that anything is possible for you.
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Well when somebody has been without a job to keep himself sane, this is what happens. I really don't think it is out of the ordinary that people react this way after such an ordeal. Is it easy to just get over it and go back to work? if it was, I would be there already, wouldn't I? A few months I probably could of dealt with... 5 years? different story altogether. I do not think it's unique to just me, it would depress anybody in the same situation.
If I could radically change my mindset overnight, I would have done by now. I feel like I am just not on track ; I actually went thru something very similar in my 20's, and remember how that was, and thought I would never have to go through this all again. How wrong could I be ?
Temping agencies are a pain in the backside, I don't recommend that particular way of doing things ( I am talking through experience, not just some snap judgement I made in 5 minutes flat).
I am now 47, and I realise that age isn't exactly on my side anymore ; I cannot change that, all that I can do is to try and make the most of the time that is left. Being positive about my achievements and aspects of my personality are fine, but I'm not sure it will get me gainful employment or not. My biggest positive even this year was the fact that I attained a DipHE in Computing and IT from the Open University; the grades weren't off the scale but at least I managed to complete it. Also commercial experience is a bit of a stumbling block when trying to do something new and going into a new sector of work. A job centre? I actually haven't set foot in a JC + since 2014 as I became very disillusioned with their stinky and clueless attitude (yes really).
One of the probs is me not having people to keep pushing me to improve myself ; I DO feel a bit like I have given up in a lot of ways, but I need to get back the motivation and only I can do that.
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I understand more than you realise, Lost, 'cos I haven't had a job since the Summer of 1999. That's why I'm trying to encourage you to study something totally new. I'm qualified to work with children and also as an admin assistant and I had 2 jobs using both of those qualifications before I became too ill (physically) to work. I've since found an interest in philosophy, creative writing for children and even child psychology. Totally different in the areas that I was originally qualified to work in and if I'm ever well enough to return to work and the dreaded question about what I've done in the 20 years since my last job, I'll be able to tell them.
Take your DipHE to the next level and aim for a degree so that you can answer the question about what you've done with the last 5 years with a photo of you going up to collect that degree. Achieving that DipHE is an awesome step forward and should be the shining light on your CV... when you get those interviews, talk passionately about what you learnt and how you felt when you achieved that diploma. Maybe create a webpage showing off what you learnt with the OU so that your interviewers have got proof of how passionate you are about the things you learnt.
You're not in this alone, Lost, you just need to learn to fake the confidence you will feel in your new job until you genuinely feel that confidence for real. :hug: