I think my last post on here was an attempt to hopefully inspire others to keep going and keep fighting. It's a shame then that I can't follow my own advice. After a tough time at work and a home life that's not ideal I'm back on the drugs again. A triple combination of duloxetine, amisulpride and pregabalin. And it's not working. I still need sleeping tablets to sleep, I have zero motivation and no enthusiasm for life whatsoever.
I feel that nobody is listening any longer. My other half doesn't want to know and can't face my problems. I feel like I've alienated my friends who no longer deserve to suffer my moans and groans. I'm a toy for the psychiatrist who's just paying his games with me trying different combinations of drugs. Nobody seems to be able to see that inside I'm screaming and on the ragged edge. I've had enough. Two weeks ago I barely stopped myself from attempting to take my own life. I'm not sure what did but I'm petrified that the next time... Well, I might not be so lucky, or unlucky, depending on your viewpoint. I don't know what stopped me then and right now I hope that it doesn't get in the way again.
My care coordinator was dismissive of my suicidal thoughts and I don't feel any sense of trust there, so don't feel comfortable making an approach there. I don't know what the crisis team would do if I called them, so that leaves precisely no-one.
Maybe I'll do it right next time.