Hello everyone

[TeaBag]

Hi, this might be a long post....

I'm Dave, aged 20. I've lurked for a while and some of the feelings that I've read really mirror what I've been feeling. I think I've been depressed on and off since the age of 16. I've always found things more difficult - when I first started school, I had speech therapy, learning difficulties and was diagnosed with dyspraxia. As I've grown up, I've overcome a lot of stuff. I managed to obtain GCSEs, A levels and I'm currently working on a degree so I've exceeded everyone's expectations. I wasn't expected to manage to achieve any GCSEs! But my dyspraxia has stayed with me and sometimes I really struggle with things, and it gets me down. I don't know what's caused me to feel down, but I think being dyspraxic may have a lot to do with it. I do have my happy times... but I really don't think much of myself. Since being at uni, I've had jobs and I've really struggled with keeping a job for a long period of time. I'm either too slow, don't follow instructions correctly when they are first said to me and I end up feeling anxious and nervous about every job I do. I've lied to get out of going into work in the past and I've snapped a lot at my co workers which has caused me to lose jobs. I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough to succeed and I compare myself a lot to others, and I just can't imagine myself being successful in the future. Learning to drive has also been a big issue for me. I attempted it, but those feelings of failure just came back to me when I couldn't get the hang of it and I lost my confidence. I'm also gay and whilst I don't think this is a big issue, sometimes it can get me down especially when I remind myself I won't be going down a traditional path in life. I sometimes worry that I'll be alone forever.

So I think these issues have built over time... when I feel down, I feel so exhausted that I don't feel like I can do anything. I felt like this in the summer of 2009. When I got to uni, things started to improve as I met new people and was starting a new course but these feelings are slowly creeping back over me. I used to love reading and writing but I've lost interest in all my hobbies. I've lost my passion for writing - I was once told I was talented at writing, but this talent seems to have completely disappeared. I can't write anymore. It's as if the hobby never existed. I can't concentrate on reading and my results at uni for this year have been affected as a result. I don't really care about anything anymore. Everything washes over me or goes straight over my head and I'm just left with a 'meh' feeling. The only things I do are watch DVDs when I can be bothered to concentrate, come online and drink down the pub. I could be doing something to improve myself, like get a new hobby but I don't have the motivation. Some days, I skip meal times and hardly eat, and spend half the day in bed. My sleep pattern is bad too. I can never get comfy and I'm tossing and turning all night. At my lowest, I've self harmed twice using a knife and fork from a drawer... but I felt this wasn't good enough. Why wasn't I using a sharp blade and aiming for the arteries? It's as if it didn't count as self harm as it wasn't good enough to be self harm! I think about death and I've had thoughts that I'm too ashamed to admit on here. At this current moment in time, I'm off from university for the summer and I'm at home. I try and disguise what I'm feeling from my family, but I feel so bad that I haven't got a job and I keep thinking my family think I'm a waster, especially as I have money trouble at the moment and I've asked to borrow money to help pay the rent on my new house.

I've browsed this forum and I kind of half believe I don't belong here. Everyone has a diagnosis on here from their doctor, but I've never had the guts to go. Believe me, there's been so many times when I've been so close to booking an appointment and telling the doctor everything but I just couldn't. I've been to the doctor about other things to (lumps and bumps) and I've been so close to just saying 'there's another thing, I've been feeling down lately' and telling them everything that's been going on in my mind.. but I can't. That's why I've joined this forum. Finally, there's people here who I can talk too. I feel like I can't talk to my family and friends.

[Zaf]

Hi

I know its difficult but somehow you do need to talk to your GP.

Believe me, feeling a failure is part of the illness as are your other symptoms, I think you've done wonderfully well to pass A levels and get to uni.

[cornish]

hi n welcome

i really do think you should go to your gp and talk about it, be as open as possible and tell them everything

you dont need a diagnosis to be ill

[Gem24]

Hi Dave and welcome.

I was reading your post and felt that we have a lot in common, I have had faced a lot of similar issues as you and i'm the same age, I was diagnosed with dyspraxia recently but was diagnosed with depression first. I too struggle with new jobs and particularly with driving. I lost interset in my writing, and hobbies, and found that I never really wanted to do anything but lay around or sleep. It took a lot for me to go to the doctors as i thought they'd just see me as a typical moody teenager and not take me seriously, but it was the best thing for me to do. They put a name and reason to why I had become uninterested in my life and why I had become so tired and lacked concentration. It also helped as my family realised I wasn't a waste of space but had a reason as to why I had become that way. So I hope that you can find a way to tell your doctor as it genuinely does help and they will be exceptionally supportive. But if you do or if you don' there are always people here to listen.

[Zita]

Hi Dave :)

I just joined this forum too. I can relate to what you are feeling as been there myself but you must go and see your GP and get help. Believe me it took me a while to take that step but looking back now if I hadnt done it, I most probably wouldnt be here now as I tried to end my life before. Im not saying the medication is the cure but it certainly helps, and what used to be a lot of bad days with an ok one thrown in occasionally, is now a balance with good and bad days. 

[Munchroom]

Hey - As everyone has said previously I would really encourage you to go to your doctors. I put the initial appointment off for far too long and there are times when I beat myself up for not going and getting help sooner, I let it get too far but like you I was so scared of going and opening up to someone because I had put so much effort into trying to appear like everything was fine and I was coping. Like Cornish says, you do not need to be diagnosed to be ill - but if you can make that appointment then that's the first major step to getting better and please believe me when I say that just because you are speaking to your doctor and may be prescribed ADs, it doesn't mean you suddenly start wearing a big sign on your head!

The fact that you have worked so hard to get your GCSE's and A levels proves you have such determination and that is something that you should be proud of!! Many in your situation would have rolled over and just lived within the borders of others expectations - but you didn't!! You should be so proud of yourself - but depression does make you feel like you are not good enough and that everyone else has it sussed and is so confident and able to do what they are doing - but, look at it this way, since 16 you have fought a really cruel and dehibilitating illness and you have held it together  You really owe it to yourself to take a breather and just ask someone for help - no-one can fight this on their own!

I too love to write and read and the lack of motivation and concentration really hit me hard  I got so frustrated with myself - but I am now reading again (and really making up for it!!) and the writing is coming slowly. Try reading some of your old work - theres things now that I re-read and I think 'I wrote that!!' That can make you feel proud of your achievements and encourage you that one day you will do it again  :)

Self harm is one of those things that people don't like to talk about - I don't want to type anything on here that could be a trigger for others but please feel free to pm me.

Take care - making that first dr's appointment is far from easy, but please take encouragement from others 

Nay x

[TeaBag]

I just want to say thank you so much for your replies. You're all very kind. I was going to write back yesterday but I was a bit stuck for words. I'm just so pleased there's a place here where I can chat about my feelings. It's good to know I'm not alone. Gem - what you've said sounds exactly like me!

Munchroom - I like what you said about reading back through your writing when you were well. I might try that as it might give me the confidence to try and get writing again.

I think I'll go to the doctor at some point.... maybe once I've spoke on here for a while with you guys, I'll have the confidence to get up and go.

[Gemma]

Hi Dave :)
I'm having a pretty bad day today so I'm probably not much help to you but go to your doctor. Trust me on this its the best thing you'll do. I used to go to the doctors a lot (I still do) for a regular prescription (not medicine related to helping my depression but whatever) and everytime I went I'd think 'I'm going to do it today.' I never did and believe me it made it all so much worse and made me feel so much more isolated. It sounds weird but I felt so relieved when I finally got diagnosed because I finally knew exactly what was wrong. The thing that really pushed me to going was my mother and step father who had sat me down as they noticed something was wrong. The support was a good thing.
I'm new to the forum and believe me, you will have support here.
Feel better.
Gemma xxx

[kittensocks]

Hello Dave,

Everyone's right - you need to contact your GP. It isn't as daunting as it seems, trust me. They are there to help you!
You've done so well getting to uni! I got into uni last year and had to drop out of it because of my depression. Don't let that happen to you! You've got so much going for you and you deserve it to yourself. You worked hard to get there and you got it, so grab it by the scruff of the neck and do yourself proud :)
I think I can speak for us all when I say that I'm very proud that you were brave enough to come here, not a lot of people do. So I hope that you'll be able to pluck up the courage, and I know you have it, to go see your GP!
 ^&^ KS x