Hi I'm new and asking for help

[FootieFan87]

I'm sending this from the toilets at work during my lunch hour and feel like I'm cracking up. I've been mildly depressed for years and and two years ago it took a turn for the worse. However I got through it. I had a new relationship with a girl I love, was being sociable and had a new job where I got along with everyone on my team but in the last week all my progress has crumbled out of nowhere.

The root cause of my depression is guilt for some of my actions when I was younger. I was a very lonely kid who spent most time on the Internet and listening to music. As most kids of around 14 with a PC in my bedroom I was very into porn. Various forms but on the whole nothing too un-vanilla. I used to use a service called win mx or something to download music/films etc. I was about 16 at the time (I'm now 27). Now anyone who used these services knows that they used to throw up alot of weird and illegal porn. Now at the time I was just ignoring these and downloading normal vids however one time curiosity got the better of me and I started downloading a video titled 'dad sleeps with 14 year old daughter' or something. I didn't think it would really be that but I clicked anyway. I then previewed it when it dl'ed a little bit. It was just normal porn with a clearly of age woman. I deleted it and had a moment of clarity like 'what the f***, that could of been real'. I then forgot about this for YEARS and never tried to dl anything again. Eventually I remembered about 2 years ago and with my moral code fully formed and the memory has put me through guilt hell. This combined with another memory of when I was 10 years old I once exposed my self to my younger sister and put 'it' near her. I didn't even know what or how sex occurred at this age so put it down to childhood curiosity but the two have been chipping away and my self esteem ever since. Now I mist stress that since these instances I have had a normal healthy sex life since my teenage years and find these actions thoroughly repugnant and abhorrent to me now.

However, my mum knows about the younger sis one and scolded me and told me it wasn't appropriate and never mentioned it again. She has no idea that I have depression or about the other incident. My girlfriend knows nothing about the depression or events. The guilt has now brought me to the point that I'm thinking of confessing all and I'm so terrified of losing my girlfriend who I love more than life itself and my family who I love dearly. If they rejected me or my girlfriend left me I seriously don't think the result would be pleasant. I think I could cross into suicide territory. She's such a sweet, loving person who is deeply in love with me but all I can think is if I loved her I would just leave her and let her have the best years of her life with someone who isn't a f*** up. She's 21 but I can't let her go. She's my angel and my reason for living.

I have never had my depression treated.

I'm now sitting at my desk holding back the tears and my coworkers are asking me if I feel alright and I just want to hide and cry so I'm here hiding and crying.

Please be gentle

[Lol]

Spursfan84 you are dealing with a lot of very difficult emotions which have grown to a magnitude you can no longer cope with. From your post it appears that you have experienced normal curiosity and have since had a normal regret about these actions in retrospect. We have all done things in our childhoods that we wouldn't be proud of now! You are saying that to you now the emotions you feel when looking back at these instances are more than the regret of adult hindsight and have started to harm the way you view yourself now as the adult you have become. I think it might be very beneficial for you to seek the help of a counsellor, who wont juge you on this (this is a common thing don't worry), and help you to come to terms with this in the safety of the sessions instead of unburdening yourself to your girlfriend in a way that might not come accross very well at the moment.

Don't be afraid to talk about this in safety and confidence to a professional who will be able to help you to realise why what could be a very normal period of exploration for a child is now weighing heavily on your mind. You will find a way to deal with this without the need to take any unecessary drastic action with important aspects of your life now.

It would also be a good idea to go to your GP. Even if you can't tell your GP what you have said here, you might start by explaining that something is weighing heavily on your mind and it has started affect the way you feel and function every day (if this is so). You may have a chemical imbalance which is distorting your perspective on this situation and help is readily available for this. Your GP may also be able to recommend a suitable counsellor.

Good Luck Lol

[FootieFan87]

Thanks for taking the time to get in touch Lol. I am very grateful but can't help but think you're being a tad nonchalant about it? Surely girls you would wanna know this aspect of your partners past? I don't think of it as burdening her. More like loving someone so much that I would let her go and live in utter misery if I knew she would be better off without me. Unfortunately I don't think I could ever straddle my parents with the guilt that they someone were responsible as they have loved and raised me well. They have been faultless other than not being aware of how much evil there is in the world to allow a young man free reign on a PC

[Zaf]

Hi spursfan, firstly I would urge you to go to your doctor as lol suggests, get on some medication and ask for counselling.

I think you need to gain a better perspective of those past events, possibly with the help of counselling, before you tell your girlfriend.  I'm sure most of us have done things in our youth that we wish we hadnt done or are ashamed of but I think perhaps you may be dwelling on them too much which has contributed to your depression.

lol's advice is very sound imo, I would implore you not to do anything hasty until you have sought medical help

xx

[FootieFan87]

Is it something a girlfriend needs to know? Am I deceiving her by not telling her. Im not sure at 21 year old girl who's a tiny bit naive to the world could understand boys and their hormones and will basically just see me as one of the blokes you read about in tue papers and maybe she'd be right too? I mean 16/17 year olds get prison sentences for dl'ing this type of material, no? Why is that if it's such a common event? I don't want to come across like I'm arguing with you all. Just want to counterbalance the argument and want your real opinions. Not tip-toeing round cuz you think I might top myself but just getting this out there has let blow off some steam today so I could grit my teeth through the hardest day in a few years. Like an emotional hangover!

[Zaf]

There is no need to tell her if you dont think its appropriate, from my point of view showing yourself to your sister was simply a child's prank when not knowing what you were doing and investigating porn normal teenage behaviour, your disgust at your actions say to me you have strong morals and realised your mistake, I certainly wouldnt condemn you for one mistake,

However as these incidents are preying on your mind at some time you may feel you want to tell her, I would urge you to get your depression treated and talk to someone about your feelings before you decide whether or not to tell her.

No one tip toes around in here, say what you want and need and you will get nothing but help and support in my experience.

[FootieFan87]

Thanks zaf :)

If it was of age porn I would agree with you but what I tried to access had a moderate chance of not being that. I just feel like if I am getting the kind of responses I wanted to hear here but feeling like if I dropped this on your average bloke in the pub then they would wanna castrate me if you know what I mean. So you're saying you could accept this of your boyfriend? I truly believe if she heard them and said she forgave me and still loved me that the shackles would be off and there would be no stopping me but I feel like there's 0 chance of this reaction. I think with age she could understand but is it fair to be with her another 2-3 years. What if she then turns round and says she wants nothing to do with me and I shatter the perfect world she lives in. I couldn't do it to her. Should I tell my mum, she loves me unconditionally and I know would bear it but I can't take the idea of going from her little boy to her private shame?

[Zaf]

I'm easily old enough to be your mum Spursfan and if a son of mine confessed to having downloaded what you described out of curiosity and expressed the deep regret you are obviouly feeling my reaction would be that I accept a mistake was made and your remorse has more than made up for that error in judgement.  It is, I suppose, possible that someone that has a very strong faith in a religion might take a very different reaction, this is simply my view.

I really do feel very strongly you need to get some counselling on his subject, if you can afford it its possible to go private if he NHS  wont sort one for you in a reasonable time, just make sure they have the appropriate qualifications.  You do also need to go to your GP to get your depression sorted, very often depression can make a lot of difference how you see things.

[Depina]

Hi and Welcome Spursfan
Lol and Zaf have expressed it wonderfly - ( I couldn't ) but I do agree with them.
I think your experiences happen a lot and a part of growing up, I know you wouldn't have chosen that path when you were older but teenagers are very inquisitive. There are things I wouldn't tell people that I did when I was young, I am not proud of it but I don't think you should punish yourself so much. I wouldn't tell your girlfriend but that is just my opinion. I don't know enough of your situation, but what is past is past and I don't think it would solve anything to tell her. Sounds like you have a lovely family. Concentrate on that and not what you did years ago when you were young and left at home on your own.
Your depression can be treated and it would help you to explain how you feel to your doctor, you don't have to go into details if you don't want to..
Take Care
XXXXXXX

[Lol]

Spursfan84 this has been eating you up with no escape for such a long time now that you've blown it right out the water mate. Here's the jig - 1 risquely titled porno does not a pedophile make. If you were getting off to actual underaged porn now in this adult phase of your life you would be looking at some really serious faces. You were giving it some welly with some 'appropriate' porn from a site that was dolling you out appropriate porn - if you could go back to the exact moment when curiosity got the better of you you would probably find yourself thinking 'no, it couldn't be...could it?...no....surely not...'. and having an internal dare to see if this site actually WOULD do that. This my friend is human curiosity. I very much doubt (and if you want to correct me we can talk about this too) that you actually wished to see a 14 year old. Even if you did, you were 16 at the time and probably fancied a couple of 14 year olds at your school anyway. It's a very different thing.

I once, when I was much much younger, had 2.5 pints of beer on an empty belly and drove home. I was drunk. I made it home fine and nothing happened but when I think back about what could have happened I wince and want to turn myself inside out. I wouldn't do it now, it was a mistake of youth. But does it mean that I should go down the local cop shop and turn myself in?

What triggered the memory of this download incident 2 years ago?

[Lol]

Spursfan84 this has been eating you up with no escape for such a long time now that you've blown it right out the water mate. Here's the jig - 1 risquely titled porno does not a pedophile make. If you were getting off to actual underaged porn now in this adult phase of your life you would be looking at some really serious faces. You were giving it some welly with some 'appropriate' porn from a site that was dolling you out appropriate porn - if you could go back to the exact moment when curiosity got the better of you you would probably find yourself thinking 'no, it couldn't be...could it?...no....surely not...'. and having an internal dare to see if this site actually WOULD do that. This my friend is human curiosity. I very much doubt (and if you want to correct me we can talk about this too) that you actually wished to see a 14 year old. Even if you did, you were 16 at the time and probably fancied a couple of 14 year olds at your school anyway. It's a very different thing.

I once, when I was much much younger, had 2.5 pints of beer on an empty belly and drove home. I was drunk. I made it home fine and nothing happened but when I think back about what could have happened I wince and want to turn myself inside out. I wouldn't do it now, it was a mistake of youth. But does it mean that I should go down the local cop shop and turn myself in?

What triggered the memory of this download incident 2 years ago?

[LTM]

Hi - thanks for your comments on my post.  I have read yours and everybody else's replies - and honestly I agree with everything that has been said so far.  I've worked with children/adolescents all my working life - what you have described seems like normal curiosity/inquisitiveness - children/young people are going to push boundaries, experiment, be tempted to try things more rational brains may reject.  You did not ask the material to be put on your laptop - and it was understandable you should investigate.  I agree with the others who have said it seems more relevant to find out why it is affecting you so much now.  I would not suggest talking to your girlfriend about it yet - get yourself in a more settled place.  If you were my son, I would accept it was something you did as you were growing up, and it is well past the time you should put it behind you.  You are not that youth now - why are you still torturing yourself? I suspect you have serious feelings towards your girlfriend - but don't burden her with this until you get things in perspective.  We can't change the past - she definitely can't change the adolescent you, so please don't confuse her.  I would definitely agree you should talk to your GP.  I have had a lot of support from counselling - though the best counsellors I've come across were psychotherapists I either accessed through a support service for Council employees or privately.  Good luck with it all - and stop being so hard on yourself! Looking forward to hearing you've taken steps to sort out the depression...

[Munchroom]

Hi and welcome  :) I competley agree with Lol and Zaf... We all have moments of curiosity and we all do things that we regret later on. I think Lol is right in saying that a chemical imbalance may be affecting your perspective on this situation - and that you have overthought it so much that it has escalted into becomming something that is actually much bigger than it is. I have been with my boyfriend for over 8 years, he's 27, I'm 26 - if one day he confessed to me that he had done what you had... I certainly wouldn't think any less of him! Look at this in a rational light...  1) You were ignoring the ones that looked dodgy and were watching normal porn 2) You were curious, young and in the 'heat of the moment' that curiosity got the better of you  3) You previewed it - If it was actually what the title said, then I doubt very much going from your posts that you would have actually watched it - as it was, it was fine!  You do not get turned on by this sort of thing, you weren't set on looking for that sort of material and you have beaten youself up for so long over one simple, single mistake that its obvious to anyone reading that you are quite rightly replused by this sort of material.

I definetly think you should go to your GP and try and get some treatment for depression sorted out - its up to you whether you tell your girlfriend or not, only you can really judge that, we'll all be here for support and a friendly ear if you need it  :) Nay x

[FootieFan87]

Well you've all made me feel alot better and almost human again.

In response to the question which triggered my first depressed period, I was reading about the inspiration of the film precious and it discussing how her brothers abuse had affected her life and this just pulled out my conscious and brought repressed memories with it. I think the video came from the days when you couldn't get porn for free and had to resort to text sites and the content is horrible and incest very common. What I expected was your average older man/teen video and I guess was morbidly curious if it would be real but yes had it been I couldn't have watched it. I was very much into glossy well produced videos where both parties are enjoying themselves and this wouldve turned my stomach.

If any of you are parents here, please heed my words keep your pc in the family room with a filter until your cherubs are out of their super horny teen stage although with phones nowadays it must be very hard. I was very glad that the gov't recently announced they are blocking adult material unless it is requested. Very happy with that.

I think I will tell my girlfriend but when we are at a more serious stage in our relationship. As for therapy, I'm going to stick around this site and try and talk thru things with you guys.

Knackered now from this emotional rollercoaster. Bedtime! 

[danbob]

Hi and welcome :) 

Zaf is right to be honest, i think seeing your doctor and trying some medication to start with would be best