Hello my names Rebecca iv just registered

[overcastrainbow]

I'm studying a joint honors of English literature and creative writing.

[Depina]

Hi, That sounds great, you are strong coping with all that.
Sorry, tired and about to go to bed.Night XX Sleep well

[overcastrainbow]

i dont feel strong anymore. I have had my meds doubled, and iv got an appointment with the CBT lady in two months time.

going to have to skip university today as im not doing well today. I think i need a few days of rest after the last few days. Im no longer getting nasty things said by my boyfriend but he still doesnt understand.

Going to sleep now as im just so exhausted.

[Depina]

Hi Rebecca
Yes best to have a break and rest, prob takes time for your meds to take effect, also 2 months is a long time to wait isn't it re CBT  ? They don't exactly rush with these things do they!! 

Sorry you are so exhausted, these things take it out of you. Don't rush things.Hope you feel stronger very soon.
XXX

[overcastrainbow]

Thank you for your support. Iv taken another day off of everything to rest up. I feel better but listless. Need to tidy up as the house is a mess but i just cant face it, yet the mess is causing me stress.
Im meant to be going shopping today as we need a new laundry basket, but i dont think i can leave the house today. Want to hide from the world for awhile.

Boyfriend is now talking to me, after a talk. But it just boiled down to the fact that he needs to look after himself before hel support me and he cant do that when im so negative.... So of course things seems unlikely to be settled. This especially as i hide it from him, so the negativity i have shown is minimal to what im actually feeling. Hes now distant, and offish. Not sure what i can do really, which makes me feel illogically responsible.

But how things have been the last few days, im in better place today. Still tired but not as bad. Im making xmas gifts to keep me busy and focused, I dont usually have the patience for cross stitch but i seem to be doing ok with this one.

I hope everyone feels better soon xxxx ^&^

[Zaf]

you do definitely need to rest if you're tired but if the mess is causing you stress break each task down into tiny bits and have a reward in between,  I do something then allow myself to watch tv for a bit and then do something else during the commercial break, or read a set amount of a book in between the work sessions,  someone in here suggested chocolate as their reward!

Hopefully things will improve with your boyfriend but you definitely are not responsible, you are ill!

good to hear things are a bit better today :)

[overcastrainbow]

Thank you Zaff. rewardign in between sounds like a good plan. Appetite is terrible so chocolate wont be the way forward, but i think il do some housework then do some more crafting and film watching in slots.
I know it sounds silly but my cats help, especially as they are so affectionate. I think i shall become a full time cat lady  ^&^

Right washing and bed changing here i come.....this is said with great enthusiasm.......clearly...... 

[Zaf]

I cant take the credit for the idea,  my GP recommended it when I had my first mega breakdown but it works for me and Ive used it for many years when I need to do something but dont have the energy or inclination.

My dogs help too :)

just a little at a time then rewards,  dont overdo it and exhaust yourself  :)

[overcastrainbow]

Abother bad day, Spent a few hours walking around university untill it got dark, eventually went home . Finding it so hard to keep a normal face, boyfreind cant cope with it, feel terrible im failing holding together, makign him feel &$%+. I started cuttign again today.
All a bit &$%+.

Disasociating right now, so my hands arnt mine anymore, nor is my face.

I HATE being like this!!

HATE it.
Just want to crawl into a warm dark hole and stay there.

I dont want to keep sayign in fine when im not. Im tired, im exhausted and im just so f***ign sad.
The kind of sad that eats away at you untill all thatss inside is grief. I cant even cry today

[Depina]

sorry you are having such a bad time,it is extremely tiring pretending you are fine, sometimes I can't manage it and I want to hide from everyone. Is there anyone you can talk to there at the university that isn't as close as your boyfriend if you know what i mean?
Sending you Hugs and thinking of you &*(
Wish so much that I knew more and could help.
Take care
XXXXXXXXX

[overcastrainbow]

Thats ok, thankyou for your concern though.
I can talk but it dosnt help, just makes me even sadder.

iv never found councilling any good for me, CBT was better but iv got another 2 months to wait for that. Part of me really thinks i should leave my boyfreind, he makes me worse. He's quite selfish and only considers how he feels. And isnt supportive. He says being patient and being with me is his support. The being mean and leaving me to cry alone as im gettign him down and denying affection when i most need it , is just his reaction to my negativity (ie getting upset)

Sorry typing is all over the shop, strange typing with someoneelses hands.


But if i leave my boyfreind it will be another relationship undermined by my illness. Whol love me like this? a useless emotional lump who gets nervous about answerign the door sometimes. Who finds brushign their teeth such a f***ign effort .

I hate being so ineffectial!!

[cornish]

Awww huge  &*( to you my dear
I disassociate a bit and I actually enjoy it a tiny bit as I feel a like all the bad things aren't on me there on the me I'm watching,    Hmm that really doesnt make sense to me now lol

I don't thing he should treat you like that but
As for who would want you well I'm sure many People would, your a beautiful intelligent and VERY talent young lady that deserves some one who accepts yo for who you are and is understanding of your illness

I can't even open the door to anyone or answer the house phone and the teeth brushing thing is the same for me, it's one of the last things I do before I leave work and it's he'll as I know the sadness, angry, fear and self hate are just going to get worse. Afew times I've even been so anxious that I couldn't stop brushing and was doing it for at least 20 mins and there was blood everywhere ooops

[overcastrainbow]

It does make sense the relief, but im not in those stages yet, im fighting against it. When really i need to accept it. But due to my environment i cant afford to give in. So im just trying to hold it together, untill my body ceases to function. its already happening but im pushing on.

I know what im doign is unhealthy and i also know that how im feeling is not logical. But i cant stop how im feeling.

Thankyou though for your kind words. I hope you all get better xx i wouldnt wish this illness on my worst enemy xxx

Have a good day Cornish x 

[cornish]

Fighting symptoms never seems to help me in the long run, try not to burn your self out, I do it regularly and it's horrible.

I know how you feel, it like you know it's wrong but just go along with it anyway

No problem at all and I hope you have a good day too

[Lol]

If you love your boyfriend have you told him in exact and simple englich what he can actually do that would support you? SOmetimes people think they're diong the right thing and when they find out they're not thay just can't think of what to do? Everybody's different, one person might need to be left alone whilst another comforted in a very specific way. Be as specific as you can and if he steps up to the mark then you know it's right to stay. I hope you find the support you need. You are going through a very difficult time and your feelings are very distressing. You articulate them very well (even with some one elses hands) and you can see that you are not alone with these harrowing feelings. You are exhausted with the pretence and I hope you find some relief in not having to pretend here.