Newbie looking for people who understand

[bookletters]

I too am so glad I went to see my GP. I felt bad for 3 months, unable to understand what was wrong with me, kept thinking it would pass and was going to go away of its own accord.
The ups and downs carried on until the downs became really unbearable. I went to see my GP. I am so glad I was given a diagnosis and only wish I had gone before. Antidepressant medication helped me sleep refreshingly immediately. The lows stopped being so low and I gradually got my life back where I left it.
Depression is an illness caused by a problem of "communication" between synapses in your brain. The communication is made possible by neurotransmitters that act as messengers. The . neurotransmitters that tell our brain it's okay to feel happy, calm, positive, relaxed, optimistic get captured before they've had time to send their message. The brain can tell there is something wrong so it reacts by producing adrenalin that makes us feel worried and agitated. The brain stops us from sleeping as sleep deprivation helps the body (temporarily) produce more serotonin neurotransmitter. Antidepressant medication help by stopping the capture of neurotransmitters, a little bit like putting the plug in in the bath so that when the tap is on the water can fill the bath again.
This is roughly my understanding of depression based on what I have read. Scientists are still unsure why depression happens, why some people get depressed... there seem to be a genetic pre-disposition + environmental factors + psychological factors....

[EllaStar]

Thanks for the replies guys. Catb I couldn't have put it better myself. I feel like I'm keeping this big dirty secret from my family and friends. I'd be really ashamed if they knew that I'm depressed but it shouldn't be that way really xx

[EllaStar]

Thanks for all that info bookletters. I don't really have any understanding of depression, I think I've spent so long avoiding anything to do with it out of denial I guess. I always assumed it was a result of trauma in my childhood and things that I am repressing, but I don't like to think about that (ironically). Xxx

[bookletters]

Childhood experiences can have a lot to do with it too.
You don't have to be scared, it's a nasty monster but there are many solutions to whack it on the head and make sure it lets you enjoy life!!

[Sweetpea]

It could be down to your past experiences Ella. But medication and good counselling should help you overcome this. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of many people suffer and your Dr will I am sure help % ^%. S x x x x

Sent from my BlackBerry 9300 using Tapatalk

[PaulaJo]

Hi EllaStar, and welcome to the forum!

Well done on being so brave to reach out here. Depression is a lonely illness and can feel very isolated. The people on this forum are wonderful - caring and non-judgemental. I have found it to be a great place to talk honestly about my illness. I hope you find that too. And it helps to know that you are not alone in this illness!

There are so many different types of depression, but I personally also believe that there are as many 'types' of depression as there are people with depression. We are all different, and the organ that is our brain, as well as our minds, are all unique.
In some cases, medication is the only thing that helps some depressives. Others manage without medication but just using therapy and CBT. Others use medication for a limited amount of time, then wean off and manage it with a variety of resources.

Your GP has to keep details of your health confidential: they are bound by that rule. So if you have to go to the Dr's, no-one will really know why you are going. I can imagine it is nerve-wracking, considering going to the Dr in a small town. But consider also that it may not necessarily be a bad experience. I found great relief in talking to my GP.
If you are nervous of medication, you possibly have some other options. Depending on the type of depression you have or whether it has a specific cause, you could use talking therapies or CBT to work on it.
I was very skeptical about CBT but have found that it does help (well, it helped me - as with all things related to health in general, and mental health in particular, what works for some doesn't necessarily work for others!).
I am lucky to have an excellent therapist (whom I fondly refer to as my shrink - I usually don't like the word but I think it 'softens' the seriousness of it all).
I have found that therapy has really helped me. My Mum, on the other hand, found very little benefit from talking therapy and relies solely on medication.
Again, about the small town: perhaps you could find a therapist, or be referred to a therapist by your GP/ the NHS, out of town from where you are?
I am not familiar with your circumstances or access to transport of course; but maybe going out of town once a week for a session will give you that anonymity?

I can HIGHLY recommend the Book "Manage Your Mind: The Mental Fitness Guide" by Gillian Butler and Tony Hope. It is like an 'owner's manual' for the mind and mental health, and deals with elements such as stress, depression, anxiety, etc. I have found it invaluable as part of my journey. You don't need to read it cover to cover, I have found: I dip into it every now and then. It has really helped me get to know myself, and it gives so much practical advice and things to do, for you to try to combat depression, and ways of preventing/ minimising it in future. Of course, it doesn't work for everyone: for people with severe or chronic depression will have to approach it differently. But it also gives good advice for looking after yourself when going through a bad/ low period.

I hope you are doing OK. Do keep posting on this forum and let us know how you're doing!
Best wishes
 %^%

[bookletters]

I too benefit(ted) from CBT and meds but the meds are what help me be able to benefit from CBT!!
I bought the book you talked about PaulaJo thanks.
There are constantly new things coming up for people suffering from depression too, one of them being TMS which has had some incredibly good results. DBS operations, although usually a "last resource for really severe cases + when nothing else has worked") has incredible results too.
I am keeping an eye out for GLYX-13 results this december too!!!!

[EllaStar]

Thanks PaulaJo. You are all so understanding. I am actually feeling incredibly low right now

A girl that my boyfriend left me for has contacted me on Facebook (I know it's probably more trouble than it's worth but I keep in touch with friends on there) and I just feel so deflated as she is really attractive and seemingly very bubbly and enjoying life. I feel like I wasn't picked because I am just not good enough and obviously not worth staying for. I feel so unwanted and unlovable and like I will probably die alone because I won't ever find anyone as amazing as he was.

Also I'm with a couple of friends now who just brought up the topic of suicide (they have no idea what I'm feeling) and I found it so uncomfortable, found it hard not to cry. These are things I think about and the subject is weirdly tempting and talk of methods is hard for me because I find myself thinking "Well I would maybe do that one" That really is terrible isn't it

I get very pessimistic when I'm in this mood.

Ella

[PaulaJo]

Aw Ella, you poor thing.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but YES you ARE deserving of love!
Just because he left doesn't mean you aren't lovable or that you won't find someone else. It just means that he is an idiot!

I can completely relate to the feeling of being unloved and undeserving of love. Even after my (now) husband proposed, I didn't believe that he loved me or that I deserved any love at all. But try to hang on to the fact that you are lovable, loving and worthy of love - even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment.

That must've been awkward for you, with your friends talking about suicide.
At my low points, a few months ago, I was also having suicidal thoughts, and for a long time afterwards any discussion about suicide cut to the quick. I think because it's just so close to the bone for us, this topic. Ir is a scary place to be, and lonely too. Some people have no idea how what they say, affects others.

Do something for yourself, that you like, or that you usually have enjoyed in the past. Light a scented candle, have a nice comforting cup of tea, put on some relaxing music... Just treat yourself a little bit. You may not feel immediately better, but looking after youself, giving yourself a break, can help.

PS I found The Samaritans were so good to talk to. I had times of such desperation, I just wanted to die, and just telephoning them anonymously gave so much relief.

[bookletters]

Ella, what you are describing is completely normal for depression and can + will get better with AD treatment and/or CBT.
I feel so sorry to hear how much you are suffering and would like to tell you even if it sounds impossible right now, you will not always be feeling like this. When you are back to your happy self you will be able to see that you are worthy of love and a great person. You will be able to find someone who truly deserves you, see your ex and think "well, your loss!"
Be kind to yourself, it is normal to find suicide discussions difficult when you are feeling like this but this too shall pass I promise.
I am sending you a big hug xxx
 

[EllaStar]

I'm only 21 but I feel like time is running out to find someone who will really love me and not cheat on me/leave me!

I don't trust people (especially partners) at all and that's always been an issue.

Thank you both for the advice. I try to go for walks now when I'm feeling low because I know exercise helps me but sometimes I just get so caught up in how sad I am that I dont want to/cant move at all. It's really good to just get out everything I feel here though :) usually it is all bottled up and sometimes I get so anxious and feel like I'm about to have a panic because I let it build in my head.

Watching a comedy now to try and cheer up!

Hope you are feeling okay today.

Ella xxx

[bookletters]

Thank you Ella!
All the things you are saying I could say myself when I have depression. It's absolutely typical of the illness.....
Did you say you are on medication?
I have had a good day thank you, CBT was productive today and venlafaxin is helping me do more and more which I am grateful for. It's incredible how much an effective medication can completely "transform" you from being a complete wreck to a functioning individual again.... xxx

[bookletters]

As for being on your own aged 21, I too used to worry massively about this at your age and was convinced I'd never get married and no-one would ever want me etc.... but you have looooads of time I promise!! I met my hubby when I was 28.
Once your depression has cleared you'll be able to meet new people and things will happen for you, I am sure!
I found reading this young woman's blog helped me. She too got depression and she is roughly the same age as you. blackdoggeoffrey.blogspot.com/

[EllaStar]

I'm not on medication bookletters but considering it. I'm intrigued by CBT but don't know a great deal about it. What is it like?

At the moment I'm just so worried that I've missed my chance at happiness, as ridiculous as that probably sounds that's how I feel. I've had two relationships both over 2 years and with people who I thought I would settle down with and both times I've been really let down and now just think anyone I end up with will just hurt me as well and Ill always be alone. I do know that I've got deep rooted trust issues though from a young age after my dad seriously betrayed my mum and our family in pretty much the worst ways possible, but that's another story! So maybe I'm just predisposed to being pessimistic about relationships!

I hope my future isn't all doom and gloom but I'm not too convinced right now. Feels like life is just a stressful mess that doesn't really get any better with age lol.

Thanks for the blog I'll have a peek :) xx

[bookletters]

Ella, I am reading you and thinking "these thoughts about the future and life in general is typical of the pessimism that depression creates"....
Life is good, you have plenty of time to meet Mister Right and the future is not full of stress although depression will convince you of the contrary.
Have you done the PH-9 test for depression?
http://www.med.umich.edu/1info/fhp/practiceguides/depress/phq-9.pdf
I really, really think you need to go and have a chat with your doctor. He'll not prescribe antidepressants if you do not want to take them but I think he needs to keep an eye on how things are progressing for you. A medical treatment (and that includes CBT) would help you feel happy and relaxed and not see the future as such a gloomy / stressful place.
You do not need to suffer the way you are suffering now. If you had a really bad headache, would you refuse to take painkillers? The same applies for depression.
These are some of the symptoms of depression. If you have some / many of these please go an see your GP xxx
Symptoms:
you can’t sleep or you sleep too much
you can’t concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
you feel hopeless and helpless
you can’t control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
you have lost your appetite or you can’t stop eating
you are much more irritable, short-tempered, or aggressive than usual
you’re consuming more alcohol than normal or engaging in other reckless behavior
you have thoughts that life is not worth living (Seek help immediately if this is the case)

Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.

Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.

Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.

Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).

Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.

Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.

Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.

Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.

Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.

Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.