Hi Everyone

[willows]

I have been struggling with depression for longer than I admit to myself but finally went to my GP a couple off months ago after it started to affect me at work in a way that people were noticing. My work is what has always kept me going so when that started to be affected I realised I had to seek help. I was put on citalopram for 4 weeks but suffered a huge increase in anxiety attacks, even more disturbed sleep than I had been having prior to taking it, upset stomach and jaw clenching so have now been prescribed mirtazipine which I have been taking for a week. They definitely help with sleeping but I haven't felt any other benefits just yet. In fact I had my lowest day ever yesterday. I was due to have a psychological assessment and had spent days working myself up to go, when it was cancelled last minute due to the person being unwell.....it felt like a huge set back to me as I had been pinning a lot of hope on the meeting as being the beginning of my journey to getting better. The appointment has been rescheduled for 3 weeks time but that feels like a lifetime away. I don't have anyone to talk to at home as I live with my kids and no partner and do not feel able to talk to my friends. My closest friends are always telling me that I am amazing in how I coped with my divorce, moving the kids to a new home, a major career change, dealing with my daughters eating disorder, my son's epilepsy and my other child self-harming........if only they knew but I just can't tell them......
Sorry I have gone on so much but it has kind of helped me a bit putting it down in black and white.

[Buttercup]

It always helps me to type out the way I am feeling  :)

I had my first CBT assessment cancelled on the day it was meant to happen, it really felt like the whole world was against me, I really feel for you  &*(

Welcome to the forum.xxx

[KateG]

Hi Willows, welcome to the forum. Don't worry about "going on", we all understand here.

Kate x

[Jonty]

Hi Willows

Welcome to the forum.  I'm a newbie myself but have already found the people who post on this site to be helpful, thoughtful and caring and they offer good advice.  getting my thoughts down in print on the forum has helped me get a little bit of focus back so don't worry about "going on" because no one would ever think that.

Regards

Jonty

[Sweetpea]

hello willows and welcome to the forum, we are a friendly bunch and will help and advise where we can.

How awful having your appointment cancelled, and 3 weeks must feel like a ling way away  &*( for you.

Its very hard opening up to our friends especially when we put on a front to cover up how we really feel.  We all understand here so please feel free to post when you feel the need.

Take care

S x

[Ezel]

 .>,

[Zaf]

Hi willows and welcome, I hope we can help

Z xx

[HalfEmpty]

Hi Willow. Just to let you know I'm thinking of you. Like I always say to my hubby who is newly diagnosed, try and hang in there.

HalfEmpty x

[willows]

Thank you for all the warm welcomes everyone.

[Got]

Sounds like you have been through an awful lot, and it sounds as though you still are doing.

I think you have made the right decision to seel help. Hopefully things will start getting easier for you.

Steve XXX

[willows]

I am now on my 5th week of mirtazapine and had been feeling the benefits of it until this week when I feel like something that has happened has set me back weeks. As I said in my original post, work is what has kept me going and what prompted me to seek help was when my work started to be affected. I have been able to carry on working throughout my depression although it has been tough but suddenly this week my line manager has decided that she thinks I am exhausted and has put me on restricted duties reducing the hours and shifts that I work. I feel devastated by this and have spent the week in a complete emotional mess and feeling lower than I have for weeks, maybe even months  . Part of me is telling me that she has only done this to help me but the rest of me is crying out because I feel I have lost control of the one thing that has been a positive in my life and it is eating away at me every waking hour of the day and the increased sleep the mirtazapine had been giving me has now turned into very broken disturbed sleep. I have pleaded to be allowed to carry on working my full duties and shifts but it is falling on deaf ears.............how can something that is supposed to be for my own good leave me feeling so distraught  "£"

[Sweetpea]

Its very hard when you feel like you have lost control.  I also get frustrated when I can't be in control.  I am sure it has been done with best intentions for you.

 &*(

S x x

[Buttercup]

It is hard when we are no longer in control. I'm also sure that she had you're best interests in mind. My doctor decided for me and told me to stop working. Really hard to accept but actually the best thing for me.

[Zaf]

Sometimes we dont realise what is best for us however hard it seems at the time

Z xx

[willows]

Don't think I can face going in to work tomorrow but I also feel that if I go down that route it will be a long time before I will be able to face going in again. Trying to keep telling myself reasons why I need to go in............can't understand why they have done this to me.......how can I make them understand the damage it is doing to me