I'm Half Empty

[HalfEmpty]

 Half Empty!! The best how to describe how I feel at the moment.

I'm 45years old and been married to my husband for 14 years. He turned 60 last year.
He's been diagnosed with depression last weekend and I don't know how best to support him.

My husband is known to be the "fixer" or the "rescuer". People tend to go to him and pour out their problems and worries. He's very sensitive and very sympathetic to everyone and very easy to talk to. Now he feels that because he's not always able to "fix" or "rescue" everyone, he thinks he's let them down. It seems that he's got all the worries of the world on his shoulder which in turn brought him to depression.

About 2 years ago, He's had an emotional affair (best I could describe it) with one of our colleague. And despite his promises that it is nothing and it's finished, I know and I've got evidence that it's still continuing.

He started feeling chest pains and other ailments and although doctors unable to find cause, he took himself to A&E last Saturday. They took tests and found nothing. When I picked him up from the hospital, that's when he broke down in tears and did not stopped crying for days. I took him back to emergency doctor and was prescribed Diazepam and Citalopram.

I've encouraged him to make a self referral to Health in Mind, however when he mentioned that hes been having suicidal thoughts, Health In Mind referred him straight away to Crisis centre and was seen by CPN the same day. He was Partially Admitted, meaning going to centre during the day and home at night.

He needed a lot of encouragement to go to the centre. He wanted the medication to start working immediately. He's constantly crying and i don't know how to make it better for him.

We had relationship problem and developed a habit of not communicating, however this past week, we've been talking a lot more.

I am just so frustrated at times when I can't make him feel better and no matter what reassurance I tell him it doesn't seems to work.

I need to continue working. Now that he is off work, money is very tight. He's lost all his enthusiasm on everything and I feel that I am running out of steam. I know people might say that it's only been a week, but I feel so sad and unhappy since his affair and although I'm feeling like this all the time, I had to carry on.
Now this, he's diagnosed with Depression and from what I was told and what I read, it's going to take a long time to recover.

I love my husband dearly, but I am scared that I might run out of energy and drive to support him.

Can anyone please tell me that I'm not the only one whose feeling like this. Any advice will be highly appreciated.

Thank you so much,
HalfEmpty ( because my other half is lost)

[Half full]

Hi Half Empty, I know how you feel, my wife was recently diaognoised with Bipolar, and at the time i did not what to do and how to deal with. I think my wife was more worried about how it was effecting me that how it was her.  But now I have started to come to terms it,including the fact that my wife will probably be on tablets for the rest of her life. In fact it has made our relationship stronger, having explained some of the things that have happened in the past.

To start with I may have tried to smother my wife with care, but now i know that thing is to be there when it is needed  and to give her distance when she wants it. I know that there is no easy fix and that each case is different, but by working together with the person that you love,  by giving the support that is needed you can to terms with it and have a better life. 

Hope that has helped in some way, life is not full of negatives, there are some positives.

[Sweetpea]

Hello and welcome.   &*( for you, you sound like a very kind and supporting person.  Having a partner suffering with depression is very hard, I know this even though I am the one suffering with this illness, I know I have been very difficult to live with, having severe mood swings, crying, shaking, saying I can't cope etc.  My husband is my rock and I know he has found it difficult to know how to deal with me at times.

All I can say is be there and talk about your feelings with each other when you can.  The medication will take a while to start to work and then it will be gradual.  I remember I wanted the meds to work straight away too.

Make sure you also have me time, doing things just for you.

S x

[HalfEmpty]

Hi Half Full and Shaz,

Thank you so much for your replies and words of encouragement. I will get inspirations from both your experiences.

It's nice to know that I have now somewhere to write my thoughts and feelings without being judge. I just wished that nobody will get tired of reading.

Shaz and Half Full, how long did it take before you started smiling again?

Sad HalfEmpty 

[Sweetpea]

You will not be judged here, we all understand.

It took me about 3/5 weeks to start to see an improvement in my mood, I remember I was singing along to a cd in my car and I realised what I was doing, as I hadn't done that while I was so down.  Things have taken a while to pick up and some days are better than others, but when I look back I realise how far I have come.

It will come but everyone is different and we all react differently to meds.

 &*( S x

[Half full]

My Wife's depression is a little different because she is bipolar and can flip from one extreme to the other and it will take some time for the meds to make her stable.

I had to come to terms with everything which took a couple of weeks, it's a lot better now but I still worry.

[Half full]

Repling to your post has made me look back at my first post, when I said I was a carer, I am not that, I am a husband and friend.

To say i am a carer is as if i have given up, and that i have not.

Don't give you up, you both need each other to get through this.

[Sweetpea]

Half full you sound such a lovely guy, I know what you will get through your wifes illness as you have each other.

On a lighter note, the last posts were between half empty and half full.  I know its not funny that your OH's are suffering just made me giggle to see both your user names together  .

S x

[HalfEmpty]

It did made me smile when I saw a reply from Half Full.

Now in bed, trying to read as much post as possible.
My husband had a few tears today. I just feel so bad for him, I wish I could make him better. I've asked him what I could do to help him, he "take IT away". I couldn't respond to him, because I didn't know the right thing to say. Now I feel guilty for not saying anything.

He said that he feels so "useless" and it feels that someone had taken all his energy away and he couldn't get it back. He is desperately worried about not been able to work but I don't think that he believes me when I say not to worry.

He is going back to see his GP tomorrow, I offered to come but he said he'll be ok.

Any advice on things I could say to my husband when he is tears? I am going to work tomorrow and I am worried sick that he will be on his own in the house.

Because this forum is so supportive of everybody I really like to recommend it to my husband. If he joined, will he be able to read my post or vice versa? I don't mind him reading my post but I'm just worried it might upset him more when he found out that I'm sad and I'm talking about him.

Thank you all for making me feel welcome.

 :)

[Sweetpea]

Its very difficult to know what to say, I remember saying to my OH 'just make me better'.  All you can do is be there for him and try and reassure him that things will get better, its a very frightening feeling to feel this way and I really feel for you both.

If you OH did join then he could read your post but if you were to explain that you put what you did as you were looking for support to help him I am sure he would understand.

S x

[Buttercup]

My hubby posts on this forum. When I read his first post it did feel a little strange but it helped me so much. I had not fully realised how much my illness had affected him. It was almost a way that he could express his feelings and it helped both of us.

When I'm really upset and tearful I often just want held, no words, just held and made feel secure.

Hoped this had helped xxx

[Glen53]

Firstly, welcome to the forum. As Shaz has said, you will not be judged here and we dont tire easily from reading posts about peoples depression - we all want to help each other if we can.

Your husband sounds like a very caring guy who always worries more for others than he does for himself. Being like that is difficult as it really can take an emotional toll - not only on the caring individual, but on their other halves such as yourself. Eventually it becomes too much.

I find it a lot easier to worry about others than myself. In one case recently I took it upon myself to help a younger friend who was feeling suicidal and although it toook months of talking to her, I managed to get her back on the right track. Trouble is it took a hefty toll on me and my wife.

It must be so tough on you to support him when you do not know what to say. If he feels anything like I did, he may feel he has let you down and may also feel a little 'useless' as he is no longer able to support others. For him it may also be scary to have the role reversed - hes now being helped instead of helping others. I know i was.

My wife was so understanding and trusting of me. She was also so supportive and helped me through the rougher times these last few years. She always told me she would be there for me and explained that I had tired myself out worrying for others - it was time to care for myself. I found this difficult as I did no know how. I still dont know where to start!

The one thing I would suggest is to talk to someone yourself. You are now caring for him and this can be very hard to do so if you can. In a way you already are by talking to us but consider talking to a councilor about how you feel. If you burn yourself out you will not be able to support your husband.

My thoughts go out to you both. If you ever want to message me, then feel free and I will try to explain how we both made it through our troubles. It may help, it may not - but sometimes its just comforting enough to know you are not alone.  &*(

[Zaf]

Hi and welcome, I can only echo what he others have posted, I hope things improve for you both soon

Z xxx

[Ezel]

Welcome and ditto whats already been said.

[HalfEmpty]

Dear All,

Thank you for your kind support and uplifting advice.  Your individual experiences have definitely given me a boost and the strength to keep going. 

I felt really frustrated and tired today.  My husband had bad days and have been in flood of tears in between him being quiet and down.  I went to work yesterday and had to phoned him when I can to try and motivate him a little bit and to say that I am thinking of him.  He nearly forgotten his appointment with the GP and although he's always been proud of his appearance, he's now seems to start neglecting himself.

One of my husbands biggest worry is his oldest sister, who for many years have been unhappy and had so many health problems. He went to see her yesterday, which really worries me, because I know that it is not going to do him any good.  And I am not mistaken.  He was even more quieter and looking so sad when he came home.  I had to enroll myself to a running club.  I love running and I feel that it helps me have quality time to myself.  He rang me before my running club session, very upset and wanting me to collect him where he took himself for a walk.

WE just went to a car park and talk.  He cried. And as per Buttercup's post, I just held him and tried to reassure him that I will be here for him.I also told him what Glen53's wife told him during his rough times, about tiring himself about worrying for others, and its now time to care for himself.

I am not moaning, I just feel a little bit drained tonight.  Please tell me if I am wrong, but before I went to work this morning, I have given my husband a couple of tasks, which he did.  He phoned me at work, again in tears and asked me if I could just talk to him.  My husband and I works for the same employer so they are aware what we are going through.  Our jobs are very demanding, however, it is one of the reasons of my husbands depression. 

when I get home, he is still out.  Told me he is trying to work things out his head.  He came home about an hour later, by then I am so tired but had to keep my spirits up.  He told me that he's been thinking a lot about me today and said that he misses me.  He has not said that to me for a long time.

Its funny how just writing this post makes me feel a lot lighter.

Thank you SHAZ, HALF FULL,  BUTTERCUP, GLEN53, ZAF AND PIP.  Thank you all for your support. &*(

On the positive side also, after months of looking, our daughter finally found and bought her dream wedding dress!  She is getting married at the end of the year!!!

Again, my heartfelt thanks to everyone,

HalfEmpty  xxxxxx